James N – The Jeff Kenna League

The Year of the Goatee

FCT manager at the auction — Bearded: The FCT manager’s public image suffered in 2012

DESPITE Luis Suarez and Sergio Aguero notching them up like John Terry’s bedpost, Sporting Lesbian go into the New Year with only a slender lead over the reigning champions.

FC Testiculadew shaved a point from the gap since Boxing Day morning with goals from Jonny Evans, Steven Pienaar and Dimitar Berbatov.

FCT enjoyed the added advantage of Danny Simpson missing Saturday evening’s game, while Lesbian Davide Santon had seven knocked past him and got booked.

Much maligned for the heinous crime of tactical Brambling during May’s Euros auction, the FCT boss hopes to regenerate his public profile in the New Year, as well as becoming the first manager to defend the league title.

“For some reason I’ve earned a bad reputation, but I hope that everyone can leave that unfortunate, summer misunderstanding in 2012 and see that behind the sinister facial hair I’m just a stand-up guy who can get the best from his team in all competitions,” said cad and bounder the FCT manager, while counting out 11 bullets into envelopes addressed to the Sporting Lesbian first team.

At the bottom, Bala Rinas climb out of the drop zone thanks to Gareth Bale and Daniel Agger. Wandsworth Window Lickers sink down most likely because their top scorer this week was Gabriel Obertan.

Looking into 2013, managers’ immediate focus will be on the cup ahead of this week’s fixtures, with every team in with a chance of progressing to the knockout stages.

League table

Week 18 - 31 December 2012 — Week 18 – 31 December 2012

Weekly scores

		Manager	Points	Goals
1	Pikey Scum	Jack	75	6
2	Still Don’t Know Yet	Pete	59	6
3	PSV Mornington	El Pons	59	4
4	FC Testicluadew	James N	50	3
5	Sporting Lesbian	Ben M	49	3
6	Bala Rinas	Lewis	48	4
7	Dynamo Charlton	Alex	48	2
8	Vasco De Beauvoir	Stix	48	2
9	Just put Carles	Carles	45	1
10	Lokomotiv Leeds	Ben S	44	4
11	Piedmonte	Phil	43	4
12	Northern Monkeys	Hugo	43	3
13	Hairy Fadjeetas	Aiden	43	1
14	Judean Peoples’ Front	Sholto	37	0
15	Newington Reds	Dudley	36	0
16	Spartak Mogadishu	Abdi	33	1
17	Headless Chickens	John N	30	1
18	Greendale Rockets	Stu	25	1
19	Wandsworth Window Lickers	Will	22	1
20	Woking	Mike	11	0

		Points	Player
	Player of the week	23	Walcott, T – ARS – MID
		Club	Pikey Scum

FC Testiculadew scoop double on debut

Jolly Roger: The Spartak Mogaishu had plenty to smile about after coming from behind to take fifth

EDIN Dzeko and Wayne Rooney both netted on the last day of the season to help FC Testiculadew win a historic double.

In his debut Kenna season, the FCT manager picked up the Cannestan Combi Cup on the final day, sweeping aside sibling rival the Headless Chickens boss.

FCT added the cup to their league title, where their dominance and the rest of the table’s complete capitulation led to an official inquiry being opened.

“It’s an itch I’ve been dying to scratch since Christmas. The feeling when you win the Kenna, it’s pretty special, like the smell of mown grass on a spring day or finding a cream that can really alleviate the symptoms,” said a jubilant FCT manager, who’ll scoop a combined prize total of £190, without counting manager of the month awards.

The Lokomotiv Leeds manager, another debutant and the only serious challenger to FCT, took second place 119 points behind.

“The £57 prize will go a long way towards rejuvenating the squad over the summer,” said the Leeds manager, who looks unlikely to be able to retain the services of Victor Moses for the £3m he paid last summer.

Kenna veteran the Newington Reds manager came third, winning £19.

Defending Kenna champion the Young Boys of Kilburn gaffer finished fourth.

FCT become the second club in history to take the double. The only other club to achieve that feat, Vasco De Beauvoir, finished the season just one place above relegation.

The managers of the Dan Terry Seduction, Thieving Magpies and Polonia Forsyth all collected their P45s.

“In the end the league got a little predictable, but in many ways this was a fantastic season. Special mention has to the go to the Spartak Mogadishu manager. It all looked lost back in October when he picked up Turkey of the Month, but he’s finished the season just outside the top four – remarkable considering his haphazard bidding technique,” said the Chairman to the gathered masses from the balcony of Kenna HQ.

Everyone else finished mid-table.

January to May’s manager of the month awards, player of the week tallies and Alan Hansen’s coloured performance chart will be published later in the week, to go with the stats from the first half of the season.

Weekly scores - 15 May 2012 — Weekly scores – 15 May 2012

Thrush ‘n’ roulette

Roulette wheel — Everything on red: Chickens are banking on former Spartak Moscow centre forward Pogrebnyak

PAVEL Pogrebnyak is tipped to be the key man when the wheel spins in Sunday’s Cannestan Combi Cup showdown.

The Headless Chickens scalp hunter has led a mid-season renaissance at the club, who must go into Sunday’s game as underdogs against the omnipotent, title-winning form of FC Testiculadew.

Lamplighters through the knock-out stages of the tournament, there’ll be no love lost between sibling rivals the FCT and Chickens managers.

The Chickens boss will hope goalscoring occasionals Steve Morison, Robert Huth and Theo Walcott will also hit a gold stream in what promises to be a ding-dong tie.

With Edin Dzeko less smiley over the last few months, the FCT manager will look to stalwarts Wayne Rooney, Juan Mata and incredible import from the American cousins Clint Dempsey to make it the double.

Winning the sack race

LONG. Hard. Ending with a gooey substance on the face.

For two other managers, the Polonia Forsyth boss’s experiences echo the Kenna season.

Guaranteeing her place in the relegation zone with one week left to go, the Polonia boss faces being blackballed by the club board – a term she previously associated with an alternative warm-up exercise developed with Mario Balotelli.

Sadly, unless the ‘madcap’ Italian produces the performance of his life this weekend, the Polonia gaffer faces a similar fate to the Thieving Magpies manager.

At one point prohibited from going out in his own backyard, the ‘Pies ‘coach’ is already working up his CV for the summer, at all times omitting the £32m he paid for Darren Bent.

A tough sentence also awaits the Dan Terry Seduction manager.

‘Roofie Dan‘ may have made away with the branded stationery, but his career in the Kenna hangs in the balance.

The August titular fiasco perhaps a sign of the calamity to come, a summons to the Rochdale grooming trial has made the Seduction manager’s position untenable.

“But I didn’t know they wanted the pills for that,” he pleaded.

Meanwhile, FC Testiculadew march on towards their first Kenna league title.

FCT need to score 65 points this week to break the most-points-scored-in-a-season record, set by Vasco De Beauvoir in the inaugural Kenna 2005/06 season.

They could also scoop the second ever Kenna double by beating Pavel Pogrebnyak’s Headless Chickens in the Cannestan Combi Cup final on Sunday.

Vasco De Beauvoir won the first ever double in the 2009/10 season, before their manager went on to lift the 2010 Khumalo World Cup.

A preview of the cup final will be published later in the week.

Weekly scores - 9 May 2012 — Weekly scores – 9 May 2012

Load-blowing semis

Tissues — No one envied the Camp Nou commentary box cleaners that night

TWO semi final second legs enthralled Europe with nail-biting drama this week as the Cannestan Combi Cup reached towards climax.

As Gary Neville struggled to explain the mess in the press section, FC Testiculadew celebrated progression to the mother of all sibling rivalries in the May final.

Oppenents PSV Mornington offered little resistance, the gaffer’s advocation of ‘The Barcelona Way’ nullified by signings Andy Carroll and Jermaine Defoe. A mid-table finish awaits.

FCT will face Pavel Pogrebnyak’s Headless Chickens, whose comprehensive second-leg turnaround left Hairy Fadjeetas to fully concentrate on their relegation battle.

“We just kept pumping it into their box and in the end gave them a right going over,” said the Chickens manager, pulling a stray whisker from his teeth.

Cup semi final second leg results

FC Testiculadew 40 (94) – ~~26 (62) PSV Mornington~~

Headless Chickens 36 (64) – ~~12 (48) Hairy Fadjeetas~~

The final will be held between FC Testiculadew and Headless Chickens on Sunday 13 May.

Download the full scores, tables and much more from the ‘Details’ box on the right hand side of the page.

A Tale of Two Cissés

Charles Dickens — "It is a melancholy truth that even great men have their poor relations."

IT WAS the best of times, it was the worst of times.

It was the £500k of wisdom, it was the £13m of foolishness.

It was the of 10 goals and assist of belief, it was the two goals and red card of incredulity.

It was the 76 points of Light, it was the 15 points of Darkness.

It was the spring of Spartak Mogadishu, it was the winter of Pikey Scum.

We had a league renaissance before us, we had a quarter-final cup exit behind us.

We were all going direct to Heaven, we were all going direct the other way.

In short, the period showed that Papiss had so utterly outclassed Dijbrial since their January arrival in the Kenna, that some of its noisiest authorities insisted, for good or for evil, the name Cissé was in the superlative degree of comparison only.

Cup semi final first leg results

FC Testiculadew 54 – 36 PSV Mornington

Headless Chickens 28 – 34 Hairy Fadjeetas

The real Super Pav

Cossack dance — Cossack caper: Pavel Pogrebnyak's having a party

PAVEL Pogrebnyak continued his emergence as one of the surprise packages of the season after adding a perfect hat-trick to his goal tally.

The striker’s heroics have Headless Chickens, whose ability to score was once in doubt, knocking on the door of the top four.

Theo Walcott’s return to form has also been welcome, while recent-signing Ashley Williams is having the last laugh after his unceremonious January exit from Judean Peoples’ Front.

The Chickens manager is now enjoying a similar fortunes to his sibling’s team FC Testiculadew.

Clint Dempsey chalked up two more goals, Rooney one and Szczesny made a penalty save, as FCT extended their lead at the top to 131 points.

The FCT and Chickens managers are fast becoming known as ‘The Mitchell Brothers of the Kenna’.

“If we catch any other managers giving it the Barry after a few in the Queen Vic, they’ll find themselves tied up in the Arches with a shooter in their Chevy and claret on their whistle,” said the Chickens and FCT gaffers in a joint statement.

Mario me!

Mario Balotelli has been urged to get married after being docked two weeks’ wages for visiting a strip joint two days before a match.

The manager of crisis-club Polonia Forsyth made the plea to improve the striker’s form on the pitch.

“Marry me, Mario,” she said before the Italian revealed he was wearing a T-shirt emblazoned with the words ‘Why always me?‘

Download a full breakdown of the scores from the ‘Details’ box on the right hand side of this page.

Defoe coming good

The PSV manager — Upbeat: the PSV manager gave a spritely post-match interview on Sunday

Things are finally happening for the PSV Mornington manager.

After seeing his striker Jermaine Defoe pick up a goal and assist (10 points), the PSV boss looked optimistic and relaxed in his post-match interview on Sunday.

Currently lying seventh in the table, the highest place since joining the Kenna in 2009, PSV’s three years of faith in the diminutive target man ultimately seems to have paid off.

The interview was in stark contrast to the manager’s humble apology in May, after they spent most of the season at the bottom of the table.

“The first thing I spoke to Jermaine after the game on Sunday was ‘¿Dónde puñeta has estado? En el pasado, haces lo que le sale de los cajones, y ahora es la verga andando!‘

“I think he understands what I meant,” said the PSV manager, grabbing his crotch.

On the last week’s evidence, PSV look to have some form in the team with David De Gea and Danny Murphy both setting out markers.

The question remains whether ‘El Jefe’ can keep getting enough out of his team to challenge the 17-goal dominance of FC Testiculadew.

Arteta and Barton’s scores will be fully updated by next week’s update.

Week 6 - week's points — PSV topped the weekly scores