Lezzers lose libido late on

A playful slime treatment
Spilt milk?: Sporting Lesbian are on the verge of messing it up (photo courtesy of Wet and Messy Photography)

BITING BANS and injury troubles have Kenna League leaders Sporting Lesbian limping towards the line with two weeks left of the football season.

Michu, David Santon, Kieran Gibbs and Maynor Figueroa are all on the physio’s table, a thought that has teammate Luis Suarez lurking nearby with the condiments as he sits out his 10-match ban.

The personnel crisis at Sporting Lesbian is a surprising twist in this term’s final act. In his debut campaign their manager has dominated to such an extent that league investigators claim to have found the ashes of any competition for the title in the living room woodburner of his country cottage.

The door has now been left ajar for defending champions FC Testiculadew. Not dissimilar to the Sporting manager’s debut this time, FCT’s authority over last season’s contest led to their manager being implicated in the ‘Kenna in the bag‘ scandal in April 2012.

In second place for most of the year, the FCT manager is also struggling to get the best from his team as strikers Loic Remy and Dimitar Berbatov rapidly lose interest in proceedings. Over his shoulder a host of clubs are queuing up for the spoils.

Led by Anders Breivik lookalike the Judean Peoples’ Front manager – whose team ironically has one of the worst returns at hitting the target – the chasing pack extends down to the Dynamo Charlton in seventh place.

Pikey Scum in fifteenth would appear most likely to escape a dreary performance with a mid-table finish. Below them two goals from ‘Release’ Bryan Ruiz and a second league notch for Gareth McAuley on the weekend have Vasco De Beauvoir exerting a modicum of pressure on those clubs just above the drop zone.

At the bottom, the Woking manager hasn’t been to work since taking a screen test at Sky Sports News three weeks ago. Surrey Police have appealed for any information related to his whereabouts, although they advise the public not to approach him.

League table

Week 35 - 7 May 2013
Week 35 – 7 May 2013

 

Weekly scores

Manager Points Goals
1 Just put Carles Carles 46 1
2 Judean Peoples’ Front Sholto 40 0
3 Bala Rinas Lewis 35 1
4 Dynamo Charlton Alex 35 0
5 PSV Mornington El Pons 32 2
6 Vasco De Beauvoir Stix 30 3
7 Lokomotiv Leeds Ben S 30 1
8 Wandsworth Window Lickers Will 28 1
9 Piedmonte Phil 28 0
10 Headless Chickens John N 26 0
11 Newington Reds Dudley 22 1
12 FC Testicluadew James N 22 0
13 Hairy Fadjeetas Aiden 22 0
14 Woking Mike 21 1
15 Greendale Rockets Stu 21 0
16 Spartak Mogadishu Abdi 21 0
17 Still Don’t Know Yet Pete 20 1
18 Pikey Scum Jack 15 1
19 Northern Monkeys Hugo 13 0
20 Sporting Lesbian Ben M 11 0
Points Player
Player of the week 12 Agbonlahor, G – AVL – STR
Club PSV Mornington
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Sporting Lesbian

Manager: Ben M (Cumbria)

Twitter name: @BenMarcangelo

Since: Debut

Trophy cabinet: Empty

Sympathies: Liverpool

Darts music: The Beverly Hills Cop theme

Outlook: Picked up the auction’s bargain Sergio Aguero for £12m, although devastating capabilities of the front two may be curtailed by casual racism. Very creative in midfield, but yet to be seen if Charles N’Somnia wakes up this term. No Brambles.

Foster, B WBA £6.5m
Gibbs, K ARS £15m
Santon, D NEW £4m
Wilson, M STO £2m
Figueroa, M WIG £0.5m
Diame, M WHM £10m
Ramirez, G SOT £5.5m
Holtby, L TOT £19m
Michu SWA £2.5m
Suarez, L LIV £36m
Aguero, S MCY £12m
Total £113m

Second transfer window – 1 February 2013

Out     In
Granero, E QPR £5.5m Diame, M WHM £10m
Sandro TOT £0.5m Holtby, L TOT £19m

First transfer window – 26 October 2012

Out     In
Sessegnon, S SUN £13m Granero, E QPR £16m
N’Zogbia, C AVL £6.5m Ramirez, G SOT £5.5m
Marin, M CHE £0.5m Sandro TOT £0.5m
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