Jeff’s transfer bazaar opens for business

Life of Brian haggling scene
’10 for that you must be mad’: Players’ true market values will be reflected at transfer windows

PLANS to introduce a new open market system to Kenna transfer windows were unveiled today.

In what league blazers have smugly branded ‘Jeff’s transfer bazaar’, managers selling players in the season’s two windows will only receive what another club is prepared to pay for them. Previously, managers received the price they’d paid for a player.

The Chalkstripes in Kenna HQ’s speculations department predict the move will introduce a new dimension to the league, with less money sloshing around windows than last season and individual performance deciding a player’s value.

The announcement comes comes 11 days before the annual Kenna auction, where managers will gather in the pub to buy their teams ahead of the English football season.

In a press conference this afternoon in the saloon bar of the King’s Arms in Waterloo, the chairman said: “Managers will have to be a lot more wary of who they outlay the big money on at the auction. You don’t want to be stuck with a £30m out-of-sorts Andy Carroll on your hands, or even worse a Titus Bramble forfeit player.”

The changes to transfer windows wasn’t the only change in the new season’s Kenna rules and regulations published today.

A top secret brochure of players to be sold in set order will be distributed to managers immediately before the auction starts – a move away from the traditional method of managers taking turns to pick players at random.

The chairman has hit back at critics of the plan, who think it will lead to less spontaneity: “To improve the auction experience, every manager will have one wildcard pick each, so that they can introduce a player of their own choosing at any stage of the auction.

“Five selected lots will be sold in a first-price sealed bid auction – where potential buyers will secretly write down their maximum bid, with the highest winning.”

No indication was made of who exactly the forfeit players would be for the auction, but Kenna HQ did confirm a 23-strong squad.

Made up of 11 young or loaned out Premier League footballers (The Bramble Youth) and 11 high-profile individuals who have earned notoriety off the pitch (Titus Bramble’s Pub XI), the Titus Bramble squad will be used as bogey players for managers breaking the rules.

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Judean Peoples’ Front

Manager: Sholto (Wales)

Since: 2008

Last season: 9th

Trophy cabinet: empty (best finish – 9th last season and in 2008/09)

Sympathies: Manchester United

Darts music: Always Look On The Bright Side Of Life – Monty Python

Outlook: Underachievement and a striking resemblance to Norwegian mass murderer Anders Breivik has blighted the Welshman’s managerial career, but this time he looks to have assembled a capable side. Jelavic is already living up to the hype, and Hart, Cashley and Enrique should be good for at least 150 points each.

No Brambles.

Hart, J MCY £22m
Enrique, J LIV £13m
Cole, A CHE £17m
Monreal, N ARS £22m
Lowton, M AVL £0.5m
Valencia, A MUN £17m
Britton, L SWA £0.5m
Cole, J WHM £10m
Beausejour, J WIG £0.5m
Adebayor, E TOT £0.5m
Rodriguez, J SOT £0.5m
 Total £103.5m

Second transfer window – 1 February 2013

Out     In
Gallas, W TOT £17m Monreal, N ARS £22m
Diaby, A ARS £0.5m Cole, J WHM £10m
Jelavic, N EVE £21m Adebayor, E TOT £0.5m
Rodallega, H FUL £0.5m Rodriguez, J SOT £0.5m

First transfer window – 26 October 2012

Out     In
Hutton, A AVL £0.5m Gallas, W TOT £17m
Squillaci, S ARS £0.5m Lowton, M AVL £0.5m
Parker, S TOT £0.5m Diaby, A ARS £0.5m
Tiote, C NEW £0.5m Beausejour, J WIG £0.5m
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Fulham 1 – 1 Blackburn

Fulham v Blackburn
Good seats courtesy of the Headless Chickens manager

A changable Sunday afternoon at Craven Cottage gave two Kenna managers the chance to scout some mid-table talent.

It was just as well because Vasco De Beauvoir (N’Zonzi and Schwarzer – 3 points) and Hairy Fadjeetas (Givet and Hughes – 4 points) had a mediocre afternoon at the 1-1 draw.

PSV Mornington‘s impeccably turned out Miguel Salgado, who looks like Gerard Depardieu on a daytrip to Bruges, was slow and booked (1 point).

The Judean Peoples’ Front manager needs a quiet word about Damien Duff. The left footer spent the first half on the right delivering poor crosses with his weaker foot, and the next 45 at left back (2 points).

The only significant Kenna display came from Just Put Carles striker Zamora finding the net (7 points).

As in most matches outside the top four, it was unsigned forwards who stole the show.

Former Barcelona youth player Ruben Rochina scored an excellent goal that came off the underside of the bar.

Junior Hoillet was busy and exciting on the wing, and almost scored the winner in injury time but for being knocked out cold by Vasco’s Schwarzer.

However, two Premiership debutants Ruiz and Goodwillie looked shaky.

Despite a lone plea from the the Johnny Haynes stand to ‘Release Bryan!’, Ruiz will do well to look on the bright side of life after failing to make any sort of an impact, falling over a lot and getting subbed off at half time.

David Goodwillie may be Scotland’s player of the year, but, well, that says it all really.

Thank you to the Headless Chickens manager for the tickets.

The Kenna welcomes match reports and photos from managers.

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