A controversial procedure for resolving the matter will now ensue. On the back of last week’s James Collins fiasco, Kenna HQ’s ability to run a well-governed league has been called into question.
“What can I say? There’s been a balls up,” shrugged the Chairman, scrolling through his phone contacts for the Charts and Graphs department.
Under precedent, Fabio would remain at PSV as the club paid a higher fee (£5m, compared to Lokomotiv’s £0.5m).
Lokomotiv would be awarded the next available defender going down the player list. The next four of which are mostly of respectable quality: Chris Smalling, Per Mertesacker, Steven Caulker and Aleksander Kolorov.
The Chairman said: “However, Lokomotiv already has players from Manchester United, Arsenal, Spurs and City. Therefore, Lokomotiv’s new defender should be Wigan’s Gary Caldwell. Fabio’s score [-3] will be wiped and replaced with Caldwell’s .
“It’s an itch I’ve been dying to scratch since Christmas. The feeling when you win the Kenna, it’s pretty special, like the smell of mown grass on a spring day or finding a cream that can really alleviate the symptoms,” said a jubilant FCT manager, who’ll scoop a combined prize total of £190, without counting manager of the month awards.
The Lokomotiv Leeds manager, another debutant and the only serious challenger to FCT, took second place 119 points behind.
“The £57 prize will go a long way towards rejuvenating the squad over the summer,” said the Leeds manager, who looks unlikely to be able to retain the services of Victor Moses for the £3m he paid last summer.
“In the end the league got a little predictable, but in many ways this was a fantastic season. Special mention has to the go to the Spartak Mogadishu manager. It all looked lost back in October when he picked up Turkey of the Month, but he’s finished the season just outside the top four – remarkable considering his haphazard bidding technique,” said the Chairman to the gathered masses from the balcony of Kenna HQ.
Everyone else finished mid-table.
January to May’s manager of the month awards, player of the week tallies and Alan Hansen’s coloured performance chart will be published later in the week, to go with the stats from the first half of the season.
Fabio Capello plunged domestic matters into chaos this week by resigning from the England post.
As managers tried to galvanise their teams after the transfer window, rolling sports news went into an unsettling overdrive.
The FC Testiculadew boss was the first to have his south London home surrounded by roving reporters.
“We’re over a hundred points in front, so it’s no time to be complacent and I’m totally focused on the league,” he said, which according to anchor Mike Wedderburn meant he’d not ruled himself out of the England job.
“Yes, Geoff, many would say signing Phil Bardsely does show a lack of ambition, but I see it as a positive step towards catching the leaders,” answered the Lokomotiv boss from his car window, before checking his phone, most likely for missed calls from the FA, affirmed Shreeves afterwards.
Even foreigners can’t escape. Still.
In his weekly PSV Mornington press conference, the manager was explicit.
“¡Me cago en la leche!” he said, which after some deliberation studio translators confirmed meant ‘I’m working up my CV’.
Amongst the haitus, the Chairman issued a message to managers.
“Until a new England manager is appointed, it’s important that we all keep calm and carry on,” he said, before thinking that if you printed those words on mugs and T-shirts, in an ironic sort of way, it could really catch on.
Even without Rafa van der Vaart, Lokomotiv Leeds are giving FC Testiculadew a challenge; Little Pea, Dean Sturridge and the unlikely Victor Moses providing the lion’s share of the team’s points this week.
It’s fortunate that the Yorkshire club are just Juan Mata’s contribution this week behind, as the pack are ambling along 50 points off the leader.
The Chairman said: “Betting without Lokomotiv, only a small miracle can stop Mata and his FCT chums from completely running off with the league.
“Well, either a small miracle or playing Rooney deep in midfield and leaving Dzeko on the bench for a few games, although the latter doesn’t seem to be helping.”