End-of-season performance review: the best, the worst, the mediocre

Phallic golf trophy
Sweet taste of success: The Sporting Lesbian manager is cock-a-hoop after licking the competition hard (photo courtesy of absurdness.com)

HE TRIED his hardest to mess it up at the end, but the Sporting Lesbian manager still cruised to victory.

Looking back at May’s turkey of the month award, the Sporting boss will be keen to welcome the return of the banned Luis Suarez next season, as will every other club in the league if he stays on these shores.

Vanquished champion the FC Testiculadew manager is consoled with second place. Expect him to come back strong and remorseless.

The Newington Reds and Just Put Carles managers shared April’s manager of the month award, which means just a fiver each for them.

The sacked Woking manager may have to review his transfer policy ahead of the new campaign after picking up turkey of the month awards in the immediate aftermath of both transfer windows.

The best (prize money)

Sporting Lesbian – League champions plus August’s and November’s manager of the month (£120), also May’s turkey of the month

FC Testiculadew – League runners up plus September’s manager of the month (£50)

Judean Peoples’ Front – Third place and February’s manager of the month (£20)

Spartak Mogadishu – Canesten Combi Cup winners (£20)

Lokomotiv Leeds – January’s and March’s manager of the month (£20)

PSV Mornington – October’s manager of the month (£10), also August’s turkey of the month

Pikey Scum – December’s manager of the month (£10)

Dynamo Charlton – May’s manager of the month (£10)

Newington Reds – April’s joint manager of the month (£5)

Just Put Carles – April’s joint manager of the month (£5)

The worst

Woking – Relegated and November’s, December’s and February’s turkey of the month award

Vasco De Beauvoir – Relegated and September’s and October’s turkey of the month

Wandsworth Window Lickers – Relegated and March’s turkey of the month

Bala Rinas – January’s turkey of the month

Greendale Rockets – April’s turkey of the month

The mediocre (final league position)

Piedmonte (4th), Hairy Fadjeetas (9th), Northern Monkeys (12th), Still Don’t Know Yet (14th), Headless Chickens (16th)

Manager of the month end of season 2012/13Manager of the month end of season 2012/13
Manager of the month end of season 2012/13
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End-of-season prizes announced

Cheerio, cheerio, cheerio: all three sacked managers picked up turkey of the month awards

THANKS to their league and cup double, in addition to August and January’s Manager of the Month awards, the FC Testiculadew manager has earned a tidy £212.80 this season.

Despite picking up three MOTMs, the Lokomotiv Leeds boss could only muster second place, but still goes home with £79.80.

Steady Newington Reds couldn’t impress in any particular month, but came third to pocket their gaffer £19.

The managers of Just Put Carles, Pikey Scum, Spartak Mogadishu, Young Boys and Judean Peoples’ Front all trousered £11.40 each.

At the other end, the now-former Thieving Magpies manager scooped three turkeys of the month to go with his relegation Giro queue invite.

Manager of the Month awards 2011/12
Manager of the Month awards 2011/12
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FC Testiculadew scoop double on debut

Jolly Roger
Jolly Roger: The Spartak Mogaishu had plenty to smile about after coming from behind to take fifth

EDIN Dzeko and Wayne Rooney both netted on the last day of the season to help FC Testiculadew win a historic double.

In his debut Kenna season, the FCT manager picked up the Cannestan Combi Cup on the final day, sweeping aside sibling rival the Headless Chickens boss.

FCT added the cup to their league title, where their dominance and the rest of the table’s complete capitulation led to an official inquiry being opened.

“It’s an itch I’ve been dying to scratch since Christmas. The feeling when you win the Kenna, it’s pretty special, like the smell of mown grass on a spring day or finding a cream that can really alleviate the symptoms,” said a jubilant FCT manager, who’ll scoop a combined prize total of £190, without counting manager of the month awards.

The Lokomotiv Leeds manager, another debutant and the only serious challenger to FCT, took second place 119 points behind.

“The £57 prize will go a long way towards rejuvenating the squad over the summer,” said the Leeds manager, who looks unlikely to be able to retain the services of Victor Moses for the £3m he paid last summer.

Kenna veteran the Newington Reds manager came third, winning £19.

Defending Kenna champion the Young Boys of Kilburn gaffer finished fourth.

FCT become the second club in history to take the double. The only other club to achieve that feat, Vasco De Beauvoir, finished the season just one place above relegation.

The managers of the Dan Terry Seduction, Thieving Magpies and Polonia Forsyth all collected their P45s.

“In the end the league got a little predictable, but in many ways this was a fantastic season. Special mention has to the go to the Spartak Mogadishu manager. It all looked lost back in October when he picked up Turkey of the Month, but he’s finished the season just outside the top four – remarkable considering his haphazard bidding technique,” said the Chairman to the gathered masses from the balcony of Kenna HQ.

Everyone else finished mid-table.

January to May’s manager of the month awards, player of the week tallies and Alan Hansen’s coloured performance chart will be published later in the week, to go with the stats from the first half of the season.

Weekly scores - 15 May 2012
Weekly scores – 15 May 2012
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The big mid-season review

Bush review
“It’s the Kenna mid-season review, sir. It won’t bite.”
  • Manager of the month awards

  • Player of the week tallies

  • Hansen’s ‘coloured’ performance guide

Like the initial police investigation into the murder of Stephen Lawrence, the Kenna season’s only half done.

This leaves an opportunity to look back like over the last five months and consider the consequences of that heady night in August.

A bit like someone serving time for looting a bag of Tesco Value rice.

So before Jesse Jackson turns up to call for a more integrated Kenna, let’s get get this show on the road.

Manager of the Month awards

FC Testiculadew’s unprecedented goal scoring from Dzeko and Rooney saw them way out in front of the pack in August and scooping the MOTM prize.

Just Put Carles looked like early-season challengers and picked up the September award, but since then have dropped down the table.

After a slow start, Lokomotiv Leeds’ Sturridge, van der Vaart and Yaya Toure all sparked to help their boss take the October gong

Wholesale changes at the transfer night, including the key signing of the electric Emmanuel Adebayor, allowed the Pikey Scum gaffer to win the November prize.

And in December, even Victor Moses opened his Lokomotiv Leeds account to help the manager cement his side’s place at the top of the table.

MOTM - August to January
Managers and turkeys

As for the Turkeys of the Month, these have also been shared around.

Thus far, only Dynamo Charlton have managed to salvage any pride.

As for the rest, they’ll be fretting over the ‘Managers finishing in the relegation zone must come back at the helm of another club next season’ committee, due to be set up in Kenna HQ this spring.

Player of week tallies

Question: Which managers in the Kenna can bring the individual best out of their players?

Answer: Literally, none of them.

Find below the number of times a manager has coached a player of week.

Just what’s a Yak gotta do around here?

7. Unsigned (Yakubu x3, Berbatov, Pilkington, Klasnic, Andy Johnson)

2. Newington Reds (Ba x2), Vasco De Beauvoir (Aguero x2), FC Testiculadew (Rooney, Mata)

1. Just Put Carles (Silva), Hairy Fadjeetas (Klasnic), Judean Peoples’ Front (RVP), Superfuzz (Nani), Lokomotiv Leeds (Skrtel)

Hansen’s ‘coloured’ performance guide

Match of the Day’s Alan Hansen brings his brand of punditry to the Kenna:

“Pace. Power. Determination. Lokomotiv Leeds have it all in hatfuls.

“Solid at the back. Tight in midfield. When they get the ball in the final third, they’ve got that killer pass that makes all the difference.

“If I were to describe them in one word, it would be ‘quality’.

“When I was at Liverpool…..”

Okay, Alan, that’s enough. Back to the bar for you.

Performance guide August - January
Compare overall month-by-month performance with other clubs
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