Kenna club guide – North west

Immediately identify Kenna players in north west Premier League clubs: Everton, Liverpool, Manchester City, Manchester United and Wigan Athletic.


Howard, T GK Newington Reds £8m
Baines, L DEF Woking £22m
Distin, S DEF Northern Monkeys £6m
Neville, P DEF Bala Rinas £4m
Jagielka, P DEF Still Don’t Know Yet £7.5m
Heitinga, J DEF PSV Mornington £6m
Hibbert, T DEF Vasco De Beauvoir £5m
Osman, L MID Just put Carles £0.5m
Fellaini, M MID Wandsworth Window Lickers £9m
Pienaar, S MID FC Testicluadew £12m
Jelavic, N STR Judean Peoples’ Front £21m


Reina, P GK Greendale Rockets £16m
Agger, D DEF Bala Rinas £15m
Skrtel, M DEF Newington Reds £17m
Enrique, J DEF Judean Peoples’ Front £13m
Carragher, J DEF Wandsworth Window Lickers £0.5m
Johnson, G DEF Piedmonte £8m
Downing, S MID Pikey Scum £8m
Gerrard, S MID Still Don’t Know Yet £15m
Leiva, L MID PSV Mornington £0.5m
Henderson, J MID Just put Carles £0.5m
Allen, J MID Woking £7m
Borini, F STR Vasco De Beauvoir £19m
Suarez, L STR Sporting Lesbian £36m

Manchester City

Hart, J GK Judean Peoples’ Front £22m
Savic, S DEF Bala Rinas £10m
Zabaleta, P DEF Greendale Rockets £7m
Kompany, V DEF Headless Chickens £18m
Lescott, J DEF Hairy Fadjeetas £12m
Richards, M DEF Woking £12m
Milner, J MID Newington Reds £0.5m
Silva, D MID Just put Carles £32m
Nasri, S MID Wandsworth Window Lickers £15m
Toure, Y MID FC Testicluadew £21m
Balotelli, M STR Still Don’t Know Yet £23m
Aguero, S STR Sporting Lesbian £12m
Adebayor, E STR Pikey Scum £0.5m
Tevez, C STR Dynamo Charlton £30m
Dzeko, E STR Northern Monkeys £1.5m

Manchester United

de Gea, D GK Pikey Scum £19m
Ferdinand, R DEF Vasco De Beauvoir £6.5m
Evra, P DEF Spartak Mogadishu £15m
Jones, P DEF Headless Chickens £9.5m
Vidic, N DEF FC Testicluadew £13m
Rafael DEF Piedmonte £2m
Kagawa, S MID Lokomotiv Leeds £26m
Nani MID Bala Rinas £15m
Carrick, M MID Dynamo Charlton £2.5m
Valencia, A MID Judean Peoples’ Front £17m
Cleverley, T MID Northern Monkeys £8.5m
Young, A MID Wandsworth Window Lickers £15m
Rooney, W STR Greendale Rockets £38m
Welbeck, D STR Just put Carles £7m
Hernandez, J STR Woking £5.5m
van Persie, R STR Still Don’t Know Yet £35m

Wigan Athletic

Al-Habsi, A GK Vasco De Beauvoir £2.5m
Figueroa, M DEF Sporting Lesbian £0.5m
Boyce, E DEF Pikey Scum £0.5m
Alcaraz, A DEF Just put Carles £0.5m
Miyaichi, R MID Newington Reds £5.5m

London club guide

North east club guide

East and South club guide

Midlands and West club guide

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League admits Fabio ‘balls up’

Cock: Uproar expected after Fabio played for two teams simultaneously last Saturday

A MASSIVE COCK up has forced Kenna HQ to accept responsibility over defender Fabio playing for two teams at the same time last weekend.

The Brazilian lost both Lokomotiv Leeds and PSV Mornington three points each, as five goals went past him at the Liberty Stadium.

A controversial procedure for resolving the matter will now ensue. On the back of last week’s James Collins fiasco, Kenna HQ’s ability to run a well-governed league has been called into question.

“What can I say? There’s been a balls up,” shrugged the Chairman, scrolling through his phone contacts for the Charts and Graphs department.

Under precedent, Fabio would remain at PSV as the club paid a higher fee (£5m, compared to Lokomotiv’s £0.5m).

Lokomotiv would be awarded the next available defender going down the player list. The next four of which are mostly of respectable quality: Chris Smalling, Per Mertesacker, Steven Caulker and Aleksander Kolorov.

The Chairman said: “However, Lokomotiv already has players from Manchester United, Arsenal, Spurs and City. Therefore, Lokomotiv’s new defender should be Wigan’s Gary Caldwell. Fabio’s score [-3] will be wiped and replaced with Caldwell’s [0].
“There is an appeal process, which is handled by the Manager Experiences department. We are yet to hear from either manager involved.”
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Judean Peoples’ Front (second window)

Manager: Mr Sholto Gilbertson (WAL)

Since: 2008

Trophy cabinet: empty

Sympathies: Manchester United

Ruddy, J (B) NOR £0.5m
Heitinga, J EVE £8m
Gallas, W TOT £10m
Toure, K MCY £7m
Upson, M STO £4m
Scholes, P MUN £0.5m
Duff, D FUL £8m
N’Zogbia, C AVL £0.5m
Ramires CHE £9.5m
van Persie, R ARS £38.5m
Bellamy, C LIV £0.5m
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