Arfa Job: Luxury Man

Roman Triclinium scene
Inactivity: Gabriel Tamas, Micah Richards (centre) and Thomas Sorensen put Woking top of the luxury league

HAIRY FADJEETAS have hit out at BBC Radio Five Live after commentators branded Hatem Ben Arfa ‘a luxury man’.

The criticism came during the first half of last night’s match at Goodison Park as Ben Arfa continued to waste possession despite his team struggling in midfield at 1-0 down.

Comments made by summariser Danny Mills outraged the Hairy Fadjeetas midfielder’s manager.

“I’d like to see Five Live bring their ‘analysis’ to the bearpit that is the Kenna and then talk about luxuries,” he fumed from his Regency chaise longue in between mouthfuls After Eight mints dipped in asses’ milk fed to him by the woman who popped Marouane Chamakh’s cherry.

Luxury league

A ‘luxury player’ is considered to be someone whose individual talent can turn a game in his team’s favour, but who contributes little actual work to the side.

Identifying luxury players in general is largely a matter of opinion, but in the Kenna there’s a hard and fast rule.

Below, Kenna teams are ordered into a hierarchy of money spent on players who so far have contributed nothing to their side’s campaign.

Woking top the list, by virtue of having the most players on nil points, including that most profligate of signings – a luxury player in goal. Cynics might say that at one place off the bottom, the club also has a luxury manager.

Leroy Lita and the luxury player’s luxury player Tomas Rosicky have fin de siècle Vasco De Beauvoir a close second.

Considering his side’s dissolute approach, the Fadges boss would do well to heed to the BBC.

Northern MonkeysLokomotiv Leeds and Newington Reds are all huddled over their bowl of gruel and cancelling Christmas – all their players have scored points.

  1. Woking (£21.5m) – Thomas Sorensen (£4m), Gabriel Tamas (£5.5m), Micah Richards (£12m)
  2. Vasco De Beauvoir (£21.5m) – Tomas Rosicky (£1.5m), Leroy Lita (£20m)
  3. Hairy Fadjeetas (£18.5m) – Steve Warnock (£2m), Marouane Chamakh (£16.5m)
  4. Headless Chickens (£18m) – Phil Jones (£9.5m), Michael Dawson (£6m), Phil Bardsley (£2.5m)
  5. Dynamo Charlton (£15m) – Luke Young (£4m), Matthew Upson (£2.5m), The Ox (£8.5m)
  6. PSV Mornington (£12.5m) – Paolo Gazzaniga (£4.5m), Phillipe Senderos (£5m), Wes Brown (£3m)
  7. Pikey Scum (£11m) – Bacary Sagna
  8. Bala Rinas (£10m) – Stefan Savic
  9. Wandsworth Window Lickers (£9.5m) – Jamie Carragher (£0.5m), Josh McEachran (£9m)
  10. FC Testiculadew (£5.5m) – Karim Frei
  11. Greendale Rockets (£3.5m) – Richard Dunne (£3.5m)
  12. Still Don’t Know Yet (£2.5m) – Drusille Ngako (£1m), Shane Ferguson (£1m), Gary O’Neill (£0.5m)
  13. Judean Peoples’ Front (£1.5m) – Alan Hutton (£0.5m), Sebastian Squillaci (£0.5m), Scott Parker (£0.5m)
  14. Spartak Mogadishu (£1m) – Luka Modric
  15. Sporting Lesbian (£0.5m) – Marko Marin
  16. Piedmonte (£0.5m) – Rob Green
  17. Just Put Carles (£0.5m) – Jordan Henderson

League table

League table - week 4
League table – week 4

Weekly scores

    Manager Points Goals
1 FC Testicluadew James N 46 2
2 Greendale Rockets Stu 30 2
3 Hairy Fadjeetas Aiden 28 2
4 Just put Carles Carles 26 0
5 Northern Monkeys Hugo 25 0
6 Woking Mike 24 2
7 Lokomotiv Leeds Ben S 24 0
8 Bala Rinas Lewis 21 0
9 Sporting Lesbian Ben M 20 1
10 Headless Chickens John N 19 1
11 Dynamo Charlton Alex 19 0
12 Still Don’t Know Yet Pete 19 0
13 Newington Reds Dudley 18 0
14 PSV Mornington El Pons 17 2
15 Judean Peoples’ Front Sholto 17 0
16 Piedmonte Phil 16 0
17 Vasco De Beauvoir Stix 16 0
18 Spartak Mogadishu Abdi 14 0
19 Pikey Scum Jack 13 1
20 Wandsworth Window Lickers Will 2 0
Points Player
Player of the week 15 Gervinho – ARS – STR
Club Greendale Rockets
Share Button

Woking

Manager: Mike (Surrey)

Twitter name: @mister76mike

Since: Debut

Trophy cabinet: Empty

Sympathies: Everton

Darts music: You’re the best around – Joe Esposito

Outlook: Tentative debut auction for the Woking manager, with dogged pursuit of Sorensen and Ireland raising eyebrows in some quarters. Twitter lawyers stood down after frozen snack expert Rio Ferdinand lost on a Bramble and replaced by Gabriel Tamas. Micah Richards sidelined with injury for a month.

(B) = player awarded under the Titus Bramble ruling.

Krul, T NEW £4m
Baines, L EVE £22m
Cameron, G STO £5m
Scharner, P WIG £16m
Baird, C FUL £0.5m
Ramsey, A ARS £1m
Huddlestone, T (B) TOT £5m
Downing, S LIV £6.5m
Benayoun, Y WHM £8.5m
Torres, F CHE £30m
Holt, G NOR £20m
£118.5m

Second transfer window – 1 February 2013

Out     In
Vlaar, R AVL £6m Cameron, G STO £5m
Richards, M MCY £12m Scharner, P WIG £16m
Larsson, S SUN £9m Huddlestone, T (B) TOT £5m
Allen, J LIV £7m Downing, S LIV £6.5m
     
Long, S WBA £30m Torres, F CHE £30m
Hoilett, J QPR £3.5m Holt, G NOR £20m

First transfer window – 26 October 2012

Out     In
Sorensen, T STO £4m Krul, T NEW £4m
Tamas, G (B) WBA £5.5m Vlaar, R AVL £6m
Santos, A ARS £2.5m Baird, C FUL £0.5m
Cabeye, Y NEW £17m Ramsey, A ARS £1m
 
Ireland, S AVL £7m Benayoun, Y WHM £8.5m
Sharp, B SOT £1.5m Long, S WBA £30m
Hernandez, J MUN £5.5m Hoilett, J QPR £3.5m
Share Button

Pikey Scum (second window)

Manager: Mr Jack Bowley

Since: 2005 (founder member)

Trophy cabinet: Cup at some point

Sympathies: Spurs

Sorensen, T STO £0.5m
Evra, P MUN £18.5m
Johnson, G LIV £0.5m
Richards, M MCY £8.5m
Bassong, S WLV £0.5m
Drenthe, R EVE £1m
Gutierrez, J NEW £2.5m
Eagles, C BOL £1.5m
Meireles, R CHE £0.5m
Adebayor, E TOT £43m
Cisse, D QPR £13m
£90m
Share Button