Outlook: Beyond Cech, Kompany and Walcott, the Chickens boss doesn’t look like having the tools to better last season. Marquee signing Clint Dempsey is ‘unsettled’ and looking to swap his role as a big fish in a little pond for minnow in the sea of Liverpool midfielders. Caroll and Cole up front are fully expected to warrant their price tag.
Kenna HQ declared Collins ineligible to play at Undecided Road as the manager had signed second West Ham player Gary O’Neil at the auction.
JPC have confirmed that Collins will be immediately available, despite club doctors diagnosing him with a severe case of truncheon rash.
This week’s highlights
Unsigned Martin Petric was the top individual points scorer.
£12m Sporting Lesbian striker Sergio Aguero is out for a month after picking up an injury in the first few minutes of the season.
£9m Wandsworth Window Licker Josh McEachran will not be picking up any points after going on loan to Boro. The Still Don’t Know Yet manager is said to be preparing his transfer window war chest for the midfielder.
£6m Headless Chicken Michael Dawson will score approximately 50 fewer points this season after a move to Loftus Road.
£2.5m Woking defender Alex Santos was arrested by police going faster than the auction night buffet on the way to training.
