Feeding Luis

Luis Suarez
Lone wolf: Luis Suarez has been the outstanding player for his team this season

THE ALLEYWAY behind the high street was dimly lit and perfect. No one had passed in either direction for at least 20 minutes. As time drew on the task seemed more achievable, albeit no less irksome.

It had become a desperate occupation, but there was no other choice if the team was to continue performing well. The amount of money riding on these nocturnal expeditions was so high that ethics were irrelevant. The star striker must retain his outstanding form, especially considering the indifferent performances of his teammates.

It was just after 10pm. Four hours ago the lid had almost been lifted on one of the biggest secrets in football. He’d got a result from the match and managed to palm off the press in the post-match interview, but he needed tonight to go off without a hitch to complete the run in to the end of the season. He could feel the low thud of adrenaline.

At first this little whim, as he thought it was then, seemed as harmless as wearing lucky underwear or kissing rabbit’s foot. The manager wasn’t a superstitious man, but plenty of his players were. He surveyed the dark street from the car he’d hired and wondered how it had come to this.

He’d noticed something strange about Luis Suarez a few days after becoming his manager. He’d called the striker in for a one-to-one and offered him his complete trust, as he did with all his players. Suarez had seemed shifty then, and it wasn’t until responding to a panicked, late night phone call to the striker’s home that he discovered why. Fortunately, no one asks questions when a middle-aged vagrant disappears.

Already he had sussed out the rest of the squad as a bunch of overpaid underachievers, and he needed his best player to be as happy as possible to produce his best football. Once he’d overcome the initial shock and been assured that no one else knew, he offered the striker his full support. League performance was everything.

The goals kept going in, but the demands to be sated became increasingly frequent and acquired. Homeless men didn’t do for long and by Christmas women were the preferred choice. Not just any woman, but a particular type that had he given this heinous menu more thought beforehand, he would never have guessed.

Just as humans prefer a fatted calf, Luis preferred the larger lady. The sort who wear XXXL fleeces, scrape their lank hair back in a Croydon facelift and march around with a determined expression and a box of Mayfair Menthol clutched in stubby fingers were ideal. Luckily this was the north west of England, and like the stolen credit card and fake driving licence he’d used to hire the car, this commodity was in no short supply.

And so he found himself waiting for the end of shift at the back door of Superdrug. This was the seventh different market town he’d visited in two months, but that afternoon’s outburst had shown the situation was getting out of control. Whatever the cost, he needed those goals.

A few yards away a metal door squeaked open and a figure lumbered into view. For a moment the face was illuminated until a plume of smoke rose into the night air.

He readied the chloroform.

League table

Week 33 - 23 April 2013
Week 33 – 23 April 2013

Weekly scores

Manager Points Goals
1 Dynamo Charlton Alex 54 3
2 PSV Mornington El Pons 52 0
3 Newington Reds Dudley 50 3
4 Still Don’t Know Yet Pete 46 4
5 Wandsworth Window Lickers Will 46 2
6 Headless Chickens John N 44 2
7 Sporting Lesbian Ben M 43 2
8 Hairy Fadjeetas Aiden 42 3
9 Bala Rinas Lewis 41 1
10 FC Testicluadew James N 41 1
11 Lokomotiv Leeds Ben S 36 1
12 Pikey Scum Jack 35 0
13 Spartak Mogadishu Abdi 34 1
14 Just put Carles Carles 33 0
15 Piedmonte Phil 33 0
16 Woking Mike 33 0
17 Judean Peoples’ Front Sholto 32 1
18 Northern Monkeys Hugo 26 0
19 Greendale Rockets Stu 22 0
20 Vasco De Beauvoir Stix 15 0
Share Button

Kenna club guide – North west

Immediately identify Kenna players in north west Premier League clubs: Everton, Liverpool, Manchester City, Manchester United and Wigan Athletic.


Howard, T GK Newington Reds £8m
Baines, L DEF Woking £22m
Distin, S DEF Northern Monkeys £6m
Neville, P DEF Bala Rinas £4m
Jagielka, P DEF Still Don’t Know Yet £7.5m
Heitinga, J DEF PSV Mornington £6m
Hibbert, T DEF Vasco De Beauvoir £5m
Osman, L MID Just put Carles £0.5m
Fellaini, M MID Wandsworth Window Lickers £9m
Pienaar, S MID FC Testicluadew £12m
Jelavic, N STR Judean Peoples’ Front £21m


Reina, P GK Greendale Rockets £16m
Agger, D DEF Bala Rinas £15m
Skrtel, M DEF Newington Reds £17m
Enrique, J DEF Judean Peoples’ Front £13m
Carragher, J DEF Wandsworth Window Lickers £0.5m
Johnson, G DEF Piedmonte £8m
Downing, S MID Pikey Scum £8m
Gerrard, S MID Still Don’t Know Yet £15m
Leiva, L MID PSV Mornington £0.5m
Henderson, J MID Just put Carles £0.5m
Allen, J MID Woking £7m
Borini, F STR Vasco De Beauvoir £19m
Suarez, L STR Sporting Lesbian £36m

Manchester City

Hart, J GK Judean Peoples’ Front £22m
Savic, S DEF Bala Rinas £10m
Zabaleta, P DEF Greendale Rockets £7m
Kompany, V DEF Headless Chickens £18m
Lescott, J DEF Hairy Fadjeetas £12m
Richards, M DEF Woking £12m
Milner, J MID Newington Reds £0.5m
Silva, D MID Just put Carles £32m
Nasri, S MID Wandsworth Window Lickers £15m
Toure, Y MID FC Testicluadew £21m
Balotelli, M STR Still Don’t Know Yet £23m
Aguero, S STR Sporting Lesbian £12m
Adebayor, E STR Pikey Scum £0.5m
Tevez, C STR Dynamo Charlton £30m
Dzeko, E STR Northern Monkeys £1.5m

Manchester United

de Gea, D GK Pikey Scum £19m
Ferdinand, R DEF Vasco De Beauvoir £6.5m
Evra, P DEF Spartak Mogadishu £15m
Jones, P DEF Headless Chickens £9.5m
Vidic, N DEF FC Testicluadew £13m
Rafael DEF Piedmonte £2m
Kagawa, S MID Lokomotiv Leeds £26m
Nani MID Bala Rinas £15m
Carrick, M MID Dynamo Charlton £2.5m
Valencia, A MID Judean Peoples’ Front £17m
Cleverley, T MID Northern Monkeys £8.5m
Young, A MID Wandsworth Window Lickers £15m
Rooney, W STR Greendale Rockets £38m
Welbeck, D STR Just put Carles £7m
Hernandez, J STR Woking £5.5m
van Persie, R STR Still Don’t Know Yet £35m

Wigan Athletic

Al-Habsi, A GK Vasco De Beauvoir £2.5m
Figueroa, M DEF Sporting Lesbian £0.5m
Boyce, E DEF Pikey Scum £0.5m
Alcaraz, A DEF Just put Carles £0.5m
Miyaichi, R MID Newington Reds £5.5m

London club guide

North east club guide

East and South club guide

Midlands and West club guide

Share Button