Northern Monkeys

Manager: Hugo (Tyneside)

Twitter name: @Hugeist

Since: Debut

Trophy cabinet: Empty

Sympathies: Newcastle

Darts music: How You Like Me Now? – The Heavy

Outlook: Shrewd auction business from the debutant, but questions remain over Edin Dzeko’s ability to hold down a starting place and whether Papiss Cisse’s can carry over the incredible form he displayed last season. Will the outcome of an FA investigation affect appearance points in defence?

(B) = player awarded under the Titus Bramble ruling

Friedel, B TOT £0.5m
Hangeland, B FUL £11m
Distin, S EVE £6m
Bassong, S NOR £30m
Ridgewell, L WBA £14m
Cleverley, T MUN £8.5m
deGuzman, J SWA £20m
Cazorla, S ARS £7.5m
Gardner, C SUN £5m
Dzeko, E MCY £1.5m
Cisse, P NEW £15m
 Total £119m

Second transfer window – 1 February 2013

Out     In
Terry, J CHE £14m Bassong, S NOR £30m
McAnuff, J AVL £9.5m deGuzman, J SWA £20m
Park, J CHE £6m Gardner, C SUN £5m

First transfer window – 26 October 2012

Out     In
Pearce, A REA £3m Ridgewell, L WBA £14m
Delph, F (B) AVL £7.5m McAnuff, J REA £9.5m
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Lining up survival

Coke: Heart problems not a concern for Lurliners boss

AS UNSPECTACULAR debut seasons in the Kenna go, Lurliners‘ has been textbook.

Floating around the bottom half of the table since an early charge in autumn, the club have made a dwindling impact.

Goals this week from the unlikely duo Franco di Santo and Steven Fletcher alleviated relegation fears hanging over the outfit for the last few weeks.

Concern was beginning to emerge after long-term injuries to Steven Taylor, Kieron Gibbs and a Fabrice Muamba cardiac arrest, but the Lurliners manager hasn’t been letting pressure get the better of him.

“Relegation? Relegation? There’s not chance I’ll be relegated. My team will definitely stay up. Definitely! If I find anyone talking about relegation at the club I’ll tie them to a tree and put a gun to their head, see how they like pressure. The only thing we’re going out is to town, and we’ll have a great time. A great time! You’ll see. When are the girls getting here? Get on the phone!” said the Lurliners manager while pacing up and down his office, ice tinkling in his Jack and Coke, ordering Bradley Johnson to rack up another line.

Meanwhile, Papiss Demba Cissé is ridiculing his £0.5m January price tag.

“Yarrrr! He be a fine purchase,” said the Spartak Mogadishu manager, preparing his war chest to retain the striker in the summer auction.

Download the full scores, tables and much more from the ‘Details’ box on the right hand side of the page.

Weekly scores - 3 May 2012
Weekly scores – 3 May 2012
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Pirates frogmarch up the table

Rug whack
Rugs whacked: Hairy Fadjeetas moved both out of the relegation zone and into the cup semis

PAPISS Demba Cisse notched two goals as his team swaggered into the top half of the table.

Gareth Bale and Matt Jarvis added two more, while Sylvan Distin picked up two clean sheets in a bumper week for Spartak Mogadishu.

“Blistering barnacles!” said the Spartak boss, as balaclava-clad men carrying MP5s abseiled through his cabin windows and cable-tied his hands behind his back. “All this for a bunch of flip flops.”

Cup quarters results

A Mitchell brothers final is shaping up in the Cannestan Combi Cup as FC Testiculadew and Headless Chickens cruised through their respective quarters.

Chickens will have to navigate their way past an unlikely Hairy Fadjeetas in the semis. The Fadges also clawed their way out of the relegation zone this week.

Kenna reigning champions Young Boys have now been knocked out of the cup and are struggling in the title race.

PSV Mornington will be hoping to make something of their season by overcoming FCT.

Newington Reds 31 (55) – 41 (76) FC Testiculadew

Young Boys 40 (62) – 34 (67) PSV Mornington

Pikey Scum 19 (35) – 30 (79) Headless Chickens

Dynamo Charlton 30 (43) – 28 (50) Hairy Fadjeetas

Semi final games

Wednesday 11 April – leg one

FC Testiculadew v PSV Mornington
Headless Chickens v Hairy Fadjeetas

Wednesday 25 April – leg two

PSV Mornington v FC Testiculadew
Hairy Fadjeetas v Headless Chickens

Weekly scores - 28 March 2012
Weekly scores - 28 March 2012
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Spartak Mogadishu (second window)

Manager: Mr Abdi Ali (SOM)

Since: 2010

Trophy cabinet: empty

Sympathies: Arsenal

Al Habsi, A WIG £6m
Hangeland, B FUL £14m
Distin, S EVE £8.5m
Smalling, C MUN £2.5m
Mertesacker, P ARS £10m
Richardson, K SUN £3m
Henderson, J LIV £6.5m
Jarvis, M WLV £10m
Bale, G TOT £23m
Graham, D SWA £11m
Cisse, P NEW £0.5m
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Buys and lows

Monte Carlo Casino
Monte Carlo or bust: Headless Chickens bought Pavel Pogrebnyak for £14m

Despite the lack of seating there was no standing on ceremony at Friday’s auction.

Once the bidding was underway 30 players were sold in record time.

The high stakes of the Kenna aside early, managers were left to indulge in the comparatively risk-averse diversion of Leicester Square’s Empire Casino.

“An excellent turnout and a very professional operation indeed. Thank you to managers for making it such a memorable evening,” said the Chairman, trying to piece together events the next day from a wad of crumpled receipts in his wallet.

As is always the case after a transfer window, some new signings have jumped at the opportunity of a fresh start to take the game by the throat, while others…

Smash and grab raid of the window has to go to the Spartak Mogadishu boss, who picked up Papiss Demba Rodney Cisse for £500k.

“Yarrr! He be a fine vassal,” said the Spartak gaffer in a feudal moment.

Full teams and this week’s points will be available later in the week.

Most expensive buys


Ox-Chamberlain, A Young Boys
Pogrebnyak, P Headless Chickens


Sagna, B Lokomotiv Leeds


Cisse, D Pikey Scum


Pienaar, S Bala Rinas
Pennant, J Thieving Magpies


Morison, S Headless Chickens
Graham, D Spartak Mogadishu
Cahill, T Newington Reds


The Yak Bala Rinas


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