Spartak Mogadishu

Manager: Abdi (Somalia)

Twitter name: @abdinw1

Since: 2010

Last season: 4th

Trophy cabinet: Empty (best finish – last season)

Sympathies: Arsenal

Darts music: The Trumpet Hornpipe – The Captain Pugwash theme

Outlook: There were always concerns that the Mog manager’s haphazard approach to auction tactics would overshadow his campaign and, one or two players aside, they appear well founded. Midfield linchpin Luka Modric left for Spain hours after the Pirates signed him, leaving a dressing room bubbling with poor temperament, untested talent and indifferent previous.

Surprisingly, no Brambles.

Reina, P LIV £0.5m
Evra, P MUN £15m
Shawcross, R STO £11m
Bramble, T SUN £0.5m
Riether, S FUL £0.5m
Lallana, A SOT £14m
Gosling, D (B) NEW £19.5m
Nolan, K WHM £5m
Taarabt, A QPR £1m
Lukaku, R WBA £14m
Benteke, C AVL £35m
 Total £116m

Second transfer window – 1 February 2013

Out     In
Pollitt, M (B) WIG £11m Reina, P LIV £0.5m
Shelvey, J ARS £11m Gosling, D (B) NEW £19.5m
Ameobi, Shola NEW £0.5m Benteke, C AVL £35m

First transfer window – 26 October 2012

Out     In
Krul, T NEW £21m Pollitt, M (B) WIG £11m
Koscielny, L ARS £17m Bramble, T SUN £0.5m
Modric, L RMA £1m Shelvey, J LIV £11m
Campbell, F SUN £0.5m Ameobi, Shola NEW £0.5m
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King Louis and the Bent pauper

King Louis XIII
King Louis: magnificent week for Saha

Thieving Magpies catapulted out of the drop zone as new signing Louis Saha racked up 18 points.

The struggling club are now basking in the relative sunshine of mid-table mediocrity.

Costing just half a million pounds in the last transfer window, King Louis’ contribution in just one week equates to almost a fifth of £32m Darren Bent’s total score this season.

“Darren’s doing a job for us,” said the Theiving Magpies manager, handing his striker a shopping list.

Some pundits have suggested Pies’ springboard into mid table only shows how many teams are in danger of relegation.

‘Sub-human scum’

Luis Suarez’s latest antics ended with his manager issuing an apology for comments made in a post-match interview.

The Superfuzz striker refused to shake hands with Pikey Scum defender Patrice Evra before Saturday’s game.

Asked afterwards what he made of the incident, the Superfuzz manager called Sky Sports reporter Geoff Shreeves ‘bang out of order’.

“Handshake? What handshake?” said a confused-looking Fuzz manager. “I didn’t see anything like that. I don’t understand what you’re talking about.

“Why would he shake Evra’s hand? He’s Scum. Sub-human Scum. You’re bang out of order, pal.”

Open to ridicule

The Vasco De Beauvoir manager has been criticised for his reaction to Steven N’Zonzi’s first goal of the season.

Visibly ecstatic when the midfielder scored at the weekend, the Vasco boss hastily arranged an open-top bus tour of De Beauvoir to celebrate.

Hackney Council received three official complaints after the bus held up traffic in the area around Southgate Road on Tuesday morning.

One onlooker said: “This guy smoking a cigar and swigging a bottle of champagne had his arm around N’Zonzi on the top deck and was cheering at some young mum’s with pushchairs. To be honest there weren’t many people around.”

A local shopkeeper said: “All the players looked really awkward, especially N’Zonzi. They seemed a bit embarrassed that London bus drivers were shouting at them to get out of the way.”

Weekly scores - 15 February 2012
Weekly scores - 15 February 2012
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Pikey Scum (second window)

Manager: Mr Jack Bowley

Since: 2005 (founder member)

Trophy cabinet: Cup at some point

Sympathies: Spurs

Sorensen, T STO £0.5m
Evra, P MUN £18.5m
Johnson, G LIV £0.5m
Richards, M MCY £8.5m
Bassong, S WLV £0.5m
Drenthe, R EVE £1m
Gutierrez, J NEW £2.5m
Eagles, C BOL £1.5m
Meireles, R CHE £0.5m
Adebayor, E TOT £43m
Cisse, D QPR £13m
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Testiculadew toppled

In ruins: FCT's clean sweep

Having forged what looked like an unassailable lead by September, FC Testiculadew have lost the top spot to Lokomotiv Leeds.

The northern club have mounted a growing challenge in recent weeks due to strong showings from Rafa Van der Vaart, Yaya Touré and Daniel Sturridge.

It was a goal and clean sheet from Slovak Martin Skrtel that made the difference this weekend as Lokomotiv pipped FCT at the table top by three points.

However, a dark shadow hangs over Leeds’ title hopes as Yaya Touré could be off to Africa.

Another dark shadow hangs over other parts of the Kenna in the form of rac1sm. Superfuzz striker Luis Suarez was handed an eight-match ban for comments made to Pikey Scum defender Patrice Evra.

Thieving Magpies are also set to face more woe as defender John Terry is expected to be charged with rac1sm.

“I don’t understand it, you couldn’t meet a nicer guy,” lied the ‘Pies boss.

Weekly scores - 21 December 2011
Weekly scores - 21 December 2011
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