Reds manager rejects Black Country double talk

IT will be “almost impossible” for Newington Reds to win the double this season, their manager has said.

His Reds side beat Pikey Scum by 15 points on the weekend to put them within touching distance of the Krakow Cup final.

They are already five points clear at the top of the Kenna League, as they attempt to win their first league campaign in 14 years of trying.

“Surviving is a miracle. It’s nice to be there,” the Reds manager said.

“Nobody from Wolverhampton has done it [won the double], so why can we do it? It is almost impossible to achieve everything – that is the truth.”

The closest any Wulfrunian has come to winning both trophies in a season was when the Cowley Casuals manager won the cup in 2014/15, and finished second in the league 22 points behind Sporting Lesbian.

The last Black Country manager to win the league was the Thieving Magpies manager in 2016/17.

“Do you believe we can survive a six-hour Kenna auction drinking lager far stronger than Carling and give a fantastic performance every time? No-one from Wolverhampton can do that,” the Reds manager said.

Krakow Cup – semi-final first leg

Turnpike Pirates 8 – 14 Clotted Cream First

Newington Reds 23 – 8 Pikey Scum

Kenna table week 31

Kenna week 31 - 9 April 2019
Kenna week 31 – 9 April 2019

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Pep ‘Cardiola’ given permanent PSV job

Pep Guardiola Roman Abramovich
Stiff competition: PSV Mornington beat off interest from other clubs to sign Guardiola on a permanent basis today (photo courtesy of Paddy Power)

A CARDBOARD cut out of Pep Guardiola has been made the permanent manager of Kenna strugglers PSV Mornington.

Since taking the helm as caretaker just before Christmas, the former assistant – known as Pep ‘Cardiola’ by more wacky fans – has overseen two goals from Fernando Torres and one from Santi Cazorla, almost doubling the team’s five-month goal tally in just three weeks.

There were raised eyebrows at a PSV Mornington press conference this morning, when the club unveiled the new manager by placing the cardboard cut out in front of assembled journalists.

Cardiola remained tight lipped about his plans to escape relegation. The PSV press officer assured everyone the manager was playing his cards close to his chest ahead of the upcoming Kenna transfer window, due to take place in the pub after work on Friday 7 February.

Sacked in December after the most dismal start to a campaign in Kenna history, the full extent of the former PSV Mornington manager’s ineptitude was laid bare today when the league published it’s traditional mid-season review: Alan Hansen’s coloured performance chart.

In the first five months of the campaign, the hapless former manager received four turkey of the month awards, just one short of the most earned in a whole season by the Fat Ladies manager in 2009/10.

For the first time since that season three years ago, the manager of the month awards have been shared by five different managers, reflecting the fierce competition for the top spot this term.

Alan Hansen’s coloured performance chart

Kenna performance chart January 2014
Kenna performance chart August to December 2014

Kenna table

Kenna League week 19 - 14 January 2014
Kenna League week 19 – 14 January 2014

Weekly scores

Manager Points Goals
1 FC Testiculadew James N 41 3
2 This is Sparta…Prague Rich 35 3
3 Judean Peoples Front Sholto 34 3
4 Piedmonte Phil 32 3
5 Newington Reds Dudley 32 0
6 Young Boys Denney 29 0
7 Lokomotiv Leeds Ben S 27 3
8 KS West Green Stix 24 1
9 Headless Chickens John N 24 0
10 Sporting Lesbian Ben M 22 0
11 Bala Rinas Lewis 21 1
12 Team Panda Rules OK George 21 1
13 Just put Carles Carles 21 0
14 Northern Monkeys Hugo 20 1
15 Spartak Mogadishu Abdi 20 1
16 Still Don’t Know Yet Pete 20 1
17 Hairy Fadjeetas Aiden 19 1
18 Dynamo Charlton Alex 19 0
19 St. Reatham FC Mike 18 0
20 Rapids De Cullons CF Jorge 17 1
21 PSV Mornington El Pons 14 1
22 Dulwich Red Sox Luke 13 0
23 Pikey Scum Jack 11 1
Points Player
Player of the week 19 Johnson, A – SUN – MID
Club Lokomotiv Leeds
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Window watch

Form: Demba Ba and Juan Mata have both been in the points

BINOCULARS trained on the bedroom of next door’s saucy, late-30s divorcee can scarcely produce such a fascinating window as the dilemma facing one Kenna manager in the build up to 1 February’s transfer night.

Demba Ba’s move from the Big Market to Fulham Broadway leaves the PSV Mornington boss in the unenviable position of choosing between the goal hungry African or the twinkle-toed creativity of Juan Mata.

Under Kenna rules, no manager may have two players from the same Premier League club, and PSV must release either the Senegalese or the Spaniard come the 12pm deadline on Wednesday 30 January.

“El més calent és a l’aigüera. I’ll not make up my mind until the deadline, yo no soy mañana,” riddled the PSV manager, a proud Catalan who once tried to gain managerial inspiration by locking himself in his office for six days with nothing but a carton of moody Iberian cigarettes, a tub of arroz con leche and a cardboard cutout of Pep Guardiola.

At the prospect of the coveted signature of either Ba or Mata to boost their campaign, Kenna managers will be monitoring the situation in the window more closely than a teenage boy surveilling a rough and ready tradesman’s visit to the neighbourhood cougar.

Faced with a similar quandary – albeit child’s play in comparison – between Daniel Sturridge and Jordan Henderson, and with no other Chelsea players in his side, fellow Catalan the Just Put Carles manager is a strong suitor.

If Demba Ba or Juan Mata joined JPC it would be a major coup for the manager after losing out in last season’s bitter midtable ‘Cat’-fight to his rival at PSV, and go someway towards closing the 39-point gap between the two clubs.

League table

Week 20 - 15 January 2013
Week 20 – 15 January 2013

Weekly scores

Manager Points Goals
1 Hairy Fadjeetas Aiden 42 2
2 Spartak Mogadishu Abdi 33 2
3 Piedmonte Phil 32 3
4 Bala Rinas Lewis 30 2
5 Northern Monkeys Hugo 29 1
6 Still Don’t Know Yet Pete 29 1
7 Newington Reds Dudley 27 0
8 Pikey Scum Jack 25 1
9 PSV Mornington El Pons 25 0
10 Woking Mike 24 1
11 Greendale Rockets Stu 24 0
12 Wandsworth Window Lickers Will 24 0
13 Just put Carles Carles 23 1
14 Judean Peoples’ Front Sholto 22 0
15 Vasco De Beauvoir Stix 21 0
16 FC Testicluadew James N 18 0
17 Lokomotiv Leeds Ben S 18 0
18 Dynamo Charlton Alex 16 0
19 Sporting Lesbian Ben M 16 0
20 Headless Chickens John N 15 0
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Open letter to Pep Guardiola

Kenna HQ
London WC2

Dear Pep,

We were very sorry to hear about your resignation as manager of FC Barcelona last week. Since your appointment in 2008, the club has lit up football around the world and proved a welcome antidote to the cynical professionalism so prevalent in today’s game (although the Sergio Busquets simulation issue does remain a concern).

We hear you’re taking a break from management. While this is perfectly understandable considering the incredible pressure involved in leading a European giant to such success, we’re sure a man of your drive and focus will not be able to stay away from that atmosphere for long.

When you feel you’re ready to return to the kind of challenge that led to the outstanding achievements of your previous tenure, get in touch with us about the possibility of managing a team in the Jeff Kenna League.

Based in the capital of football, ‘the Kenna’ is the game’s premier club football competition. The league contains managers from around the globe, including two of your fellow Catalans whose pride and application more than atone for their lack of tactical acumen.

At the summer auction you’ll find yourself drawing on every reserve of the craft, determination and grit you used to lift three European Cups. Transfer nights will make an away trip to the Santiago Bernabéu seem like late supper with good friends and a porron.

Ruud Gullit was once offered the chance of Kenna management. That he chose the soft cushions of television punditry instead speaks volumes

Should you decide to accept, liberty over signings and budget allocation are guaranteed. The cream of footballers in the Premiership are available. The only hard and fast rule is that you must play 4-4-2. This is England, Pep, and people here just aren’t ready for continental ‘three at the back’ tinkering, no matter how proven it is at getting results.

The gauntlet’s been thrown down. The only question that now remains is whether you have the cullons to pick it up.

Yours sincerely,

The Chairman

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