peter odemwingie – The Jeff Kenna League

Odemwingie’s Kenna

Ian Botham — Cigar moment: Can Peter Odemwingie help the Piedmonte manager claim his first Kenna title in nine years of trying?

GOALS from the unlikeliest source saw Piedmonte climb to second with just nine weeks left in the season.

More than a year since suffering an horrific injury sustained while sleeping in his car outside Loftus Road, Peter Odemwingie appears to have recovered his fitness and confidence to score twice this weekend.

Until last month’s transfer window, the Nigerian had been passed from club to club, unable to build any sort of momentum and at one point considered less reliable than an email from his home country.

Piedmonte put £5m worth of faith in the striker in February, set club doctors about treatment of a sore neck and some discomfort in the buttock where he’d slept on his wallet, and the manager’s already got back three goals and an assist.

Whether Odemwingie can go on to inspire his team to glory, much as Ian Botham did with bat and ball against Australia in 1981, remains to be seen.

Looking at the misfits in the rest of the Piedmonte side it seems less likely than the FC Testiculadew manager dropping his villain tag.

Abandon Cup!

Canesten Combi Cup holders Spartak Mogadishu were dumped out of the competition on the weekend, but reports filtering out of Somalia suggest the club’s manager has other priorities.

Upon learning a Boeing 777 could be floating around in the Indian Ocean last week the Somali immediately put out to sea.

Visitors to the club’s Spyglass Hill training facility found the site deserted, save for an elderly, khat-chewing groundsman who talked of an entire community swept up in the swarthy promise of hundreds of untouched Halal meal options.

The defeat means Headless Chickens will face KS West Green in the first leg of this weekend’s quarter finals.

In a classic top-versus-bottom clash, FC Testiculadew will take on PSV Mornington after Hairy Fadjeetas added to their recent league woe by losing on points in the second leg of their match against a side managed by a cardboard cut out of Pep Guardiola.

In the other last 16 tie settled on points, Northern Monkeys beat Rapids de Cullons, and will face Newington Reds this weekend.

The winners of that fixture will play either St Reatham FC or the treasurer’s team Bala Rinas.

Kenna table

Kenna week 28 - 18 March 2014 — Kenna week 28 – 18 March 2014

Weekly scores

		Manager	Points	Goals
1	Piedmonte	Phil	39	4
2	Young Boys	Denney	32	1
3	KS West Green	Stix	32	0
4	Pikey Scum	Jack	31	1
5	Lokomotiv Leeds	Ben S	28	0
6	Team Panda Rules OK	George	26	0
7	Sporting Lesbian	Ben M	25	2
8	Bala Rinas	Lewis	25	0
9	Headless Chickens	John N	24	1
10	Northern Monkeys	Hugo	24	1
11	St. Reatham FC	Mike	24	1
12	PSV Mornington	El Pons	23	1
13	Still Don’t Know Yet	Pete	21	0
14	Judean Peoples Front	Sholto	19	1
15	Rapids De Cullons CF	Jorge	18	0
16	Newington Reds	Dudley	17	0
17	FC Testiculadew	James N	15	1
18	Dynamo Charlton	Alex	14	0
19	Dulwich Red Sox	Luke	13	0
20	Spartak Mogadishu	Abdi	13	0
21	This is Sparta…Prague	Rich	11	1
22	Just put Carles	Carles	11	0
23	Hairy Fadjeetas	Aiden	10	0

		Points	Player
	Player of the week	12	Odemwingie, P – STO – STR
		Club	Piedmonte

Heads roll in the drop zone

Cigar cutter — Gruesome end: While those at the top of the Kenna reach for the cigars, the bottom three managers face the chop (photo courtesy of double gauss)

AS THE SPORTING Lesbian manager bathes in the success of winning the Kenna title on his debut, time has run out at the other end of the league.

Vasco De Beauvoir, victors of the inaugural Kenna league in 2005 and double winners in 2010, rounded off a dismal season to be relegated after eight years in the top flight.

The Vasco manager’s disastrous campaign is being pinpointed to the moment he lost a £40m Sergio Aguero under the Titus Bramble ruling at the August auction. The strike force of Leroy Lita and Fabio Borini offered little recompense.

Aguero went on to the snapped up for £12m and became an integral component of Sporting Lesbian’s team.

Speaking to Sky Sports News this morning outside Vasco’s Shoreditch Park ground, which was as far he got when it turned out club wallahs had already ordered the locks to be changed, the outgoing manager said: “Is it opening time yet?”

Licked

In south London, the Kenna diversity police are hot on the trail of another manager with a P45 fresh in his in tray.

No one expected Wandsworth Window Lickers to put up much of a fight this season considering their registered status as intellectually disabled.

But the team bus with rainbows on the side and disproportionately high number of grab handles at their home ground was just a ruse, the whole team turned out to be physically fit athletes who possessed all their mental faculties – with the exception of Peter Odemwingie, who was mostly a knob.

The Wandsworth manager was last seen boarding a plane to South America on a ‘scouting mission’. Club bean counters are said to be keen to speak to the errant manager over missing disability allowance funds.

Crime spree

The Woking manager is still AWOL, and has been since the mysterious death of Sky Sports News presenter Natalie Sawyer on Chobam Common.

Surrey Police were believed to have made a breakthrough in the manhunt when an early-hours 999 call from a club admin girl claimed the manager’s car was parked outside her Worplesdon flat.

A response was dispatched, but officers arrived to find the property empty and ransacked. Two days later the girl was fished out of the Basingstoke Canal with a broken neck.

The search continues.

Big do

Managers will flock to a central London pub on Friday for the Kenna end-of-season awards night.

The Chairman said: “It’s been a long season and for all that hard work managers deserve nothing less than to buy me a beer. There’ll also be a short quiz to see how much people remember from the campaign’s shenanigans.”

Final league table

Week 38 - 21 May 2013 — Week 38 – 21 May 2013

Weekly scores

		Manager	Points	Goals
1	Spartak Mogadishu	Abdi	47	6
2	Northern Monkeys	Hugo	43	1
3	Just put Carles	Carles	40	2
4	Lokomotiv Leeds	Ben S	37	1
5	Piedmonte	Phil	35	1
6	Headless Chickens	John N	34	3
7	PSV Mornington	El Pons	34	1
8	Woking	Mike	32	3
9	Dynamo Charlton	Alex	32	0
10	Bala Rinas	Lewis	31	2
11	Hairy Fadjeetas	Aiden	30	1
12	Judean Peoples’ Front	Sholto	30	0
13	Pikey Scum	Jack	26	2
14	Vasco De Beauvoir	Stix	26	2
15	Still Don’t Know Yet	Pete	25	2
16	FC Testicluadew	James N	24	1
17	Wandsworth Window Lickers	Will	24	0
18	Sporting Lesbian	Ben M	23	1
19	Greendale Rockets	Stu	20	1
20	Newington Reds	Dudley	8	0

Mad Dog and Englishmen

EMANUEL Pogatetz has snatched the spotlight ahead of tonight’s transfer window as competition for his signature reaches fever pitch.

As managers make the traditional preparations of a Cornish pasty and quick internet search before attending this evening’s auction at Trafalgar Square hot spot The Two Chairmen, pulses throb at the commitment and passion the Austrian defender, known as ‘Mad Dog’, can bring to any side.

Hairy Fadjeetas and Still Don’t Know Yet are both reported to be in the chase, with the manager of the latter team has jettisoned Gary O’Neil and Carl Jenkinson to make way for Pogatetz.

Quizzed by hacks outside the Undecided Road stadium about his decision to keep Turkey-bound defender Anton Ferdinand, as well as absentee goalkeeper Drusille Ngako, the Still Don’t Know Yet manager said through his rolled down car window: “Anton’s a mere detail. Do you think Napoleon focused on every individual soldier? No, he was looking at the big picture, and so am I.”

After the midweek games, the club slipped down the table to one place above the relegation zone (latest table below).

As for Emanuel Pogatetz, his Kenna credentials are beyond dispute. In the January 2008 he joined The Trinny Men (whose manager is now at Bala Rinas), helping the team to last.

Follow the action from tonight’s Kenna transfer window live on @jeffkennaleague

Free agents – headlines

Shane Long scored this week just hours after being released by Woking. The Irishman is likely to be starting every game now that Wandsworth Window Licker Peter Odemwingie is living in his 4×4 in west London.
PSV Mornington has chosen the magic of Mata over the boundless goal-scoring of Demba Ba.
Daniel Sturridge is back on the market after being released by Just Put Carles, who also scrapped Danny Welbeck.
Fernando Torres could go for a cut-price fee after being handed his P45 by the Newington Reds manager.

For full details of released players and available budgets for each team click here or check the The Rub (top right of this page).

League table

Kenna table - 31 January 2013 — Kenna table – 31 January 2013

Shower of expectation

Shower scene — Happy ending: Half the teams in the Kenna have already progressed from the cup group stage (Photograph courtesy of Wet and Messy Photography)

CRYSTALLIZED at the bottom, breathless at the top and much jiggling around in the middle: in many ways the Kenna table resembles a fat man with gout and a carrier bag over his head in the final throes of rubbing one off in the shower.

So it’s fitting that the coming weekend sees the climax of the race to the cup knockout stage. Who will breathe a satisfying sigh of relief? Who will tumble through the shower curtain, sustain a fatal head injury on the sink and be found naked three days later by sniggering paramedics?

Going into the deciding week, each manager will be looking at his team for goals, the key to a successful cup campaign. Chances of progression to knockout stages are analysed below – starting with the most wide open.

Group D

Just Put Carles v Wandsworth Window Lickers
Lokomotiv Leeds v Piedmonte

The Lickers will be backing Peter Odemwingie (7 goals this season) and club top scorer Fellaini (11) to combat the recent upturn in form of Just Put Carles striker Daniel Sturridge (4). Lokomotiv Leeds will hope that Jonathan Walters (7) will score at the right end, while Piedmonte look to Lambert (10) and Lampard (7) – a draw will not guarantee survival for either club.

Group C

Sporting Lesbian v Newington Reds
FC Testiculadew v Spartak Mogadishu

Sporting Lesbian trio Luis Suarez (18), Michu (14) and Sergio Aguero (8) will take some beating from Newington Reds, who rely on, oh dear, star striker Fernando Torres (7). A woeful goal difference means FC Testiculadew will have to keep out Spartak Mogadishu star Romelu Lukaku (9) to ensure safety.

Group B

Vasco De Beauvoir v Headless Chickens
Northern Monkeys v Judean Peoples’ Front

No player at either Vasco De Beauvoir or Judean Peoples’ Front have found the net for two weeks, and being on equal goal difference survival may be decided on who ships the least in the final game. A 1-1 draw was played out between the clubs in December, so JPF carry the advantage having scored one more goal in the contest.

Group A

Greendale Rockets v Dynamo Charlton
Woking v Still Don’t Know Yet

Friendly encounters all round as Bala Rinas managed got knocked out with a game to go.

League table

Week 21 - 22 January 2013 — Week 21 – 22 January 2013

Weekly scores

		Manager	Points	Goals
1	Pikey Scum	Jack	56	4
2	Lokomotiv Leeds	Ben S	44	3
3	Piedmonte	Phil	44	2
4	Northern Monkeys	Hugo	42	1
5	Just put Carles	Carles	40	4
6	Bala Rinas	Lewis	39	0
7	Wandsworth Window Lickers	Will	38	1
8	PSV Mornington	El Pons	37	3
9	Vasco De Beauvoir	Stix	37	0
10	Headless Chickens	John N	35	1
11	Newington Reds	Dudley	35	0
12	Still Don’t Know Yet	Pete	33	2
13	Sporting Lesbian	Ben M	32	1
14	Hairy Fadjeetas	Aiden	26	1
15	Judean Peoples’ Front	Sholto	26	0
16	Spartak Mogadishu	Abdi	26	0
17	Dynamo Charlton	Alex	25	0
18	Greendale Rockets	Stu	22	1
19	FC Testicluadew	James N	18	1
20	Woking	Mike	16	0

Wandsworth Window Lickers

Manager: Will (Worcestershire)

Twitter name: @chainfir3

Since: 2010

Trophy cabinet: Empty (highest league position – 8th in 2010/11)

Sympathies: Kidderminster Harriers

Darts music: Mary Jane – Rick James

Outlook: Not even 221B could say why the Wandsworth boss introduced and bought Jamie Carragher at last week’s auction, but with the exception of that mystery and Josh McEachran’s announcement he’s going on loan to Boro, the opening week of the season is treating the manager well with goals from Nasri and Odemwingie and clean sheets from O’Shea and Szczesny.

(B) = player awarded under the Titus Brambling ruling

Szczesny, W	ARS	£19m
Clyne, N	SOT	£6m
Assou-Ekotto, B	TOT	£7m
O’Shea, J	SUN	£5.5m
Ben Haim, T	QPR	£10m
Fellaini, M	EVE	£9m
Young, A	MUN	£15m
Assaidi, O	LIV	£0.5m
Nasri, S	MCY	£15m
Odemwingie, P	WBA	£6m
Gouffran, Y	NEW	£5m
	Total	£98m

Second transfer window – 1 February 2013

Out			In
Herd, C	AVL	£0.5m	Ben Haim, T	QPR	£10m
Obertan, G (B)	NEW	£0.5m	Assaidi, O	LIV	£0.5m
Zamora, B	QPR	£2m	Gouffran, Y	NEW	£5m

First transfer window – 26 October 2012

Out			In
Carragher, J	LIV	£0.5m	Herd, C	AVL	£0.5m
McEachran, J (B)	CHE	£9m	Obertan, G (B)	NEW	£0.5m

DTS Grosvenor (second window)

The Dan Terry Seduction made no transfers in the second window

Manager: Mr Dan Terry (ENG)

Since: 2010

Trophy cabinet: empty

Sympathies: Kidderminster Harriers

Hart, J	MCY	£20m
Fabio	MUN	£1m
Elokobi, G	WLV	£0.5m
King, L	TOT	£0.5m
Martin, R	NOR	£0.5m
Tiote, C	NEW	£0.5m
Malouda, F	CHE	£26m
Larsson, S	SUN	£6.5m
Osman, L	EVE	£5m
Crouch, P	STO	£8m
Odemwingie, P	WBA	£19m
		£87.5m