Kenna club guide – London

Immediately identify Kenna players in London clubs: Arsenal, Chelsea, Fulham, QPR, Spurs and West Ham

Arsenal

Szczesny, W GK Wandsworth Window Lickers £19m
Gibbs, K DEF Sporting Lesbian £15m
Sagna, B DEF Pikey Scum £11m
Koscielny, L DEF Spartak Mogadishu £17m
Vermaelen, T DEF Newington Reds £17m
Squillaci, S DEF Judean Peoples’ Front £0.5m
Santos, A DEF Woking £2.5m
Rosicky, T MID Vasco De Beauvoir £1.5m
Walcott, T MID Headless Chickens £17m
Chamberlain, A MID Dynamo Charlton £8.5m
Arteta, M MID Just put Carles £16m
Cazorla, S MID Northern Monkeys £7.5m
Giroud, O STR Lokomotiv Leeds £6m
Gervinho STR Greendale Rockets £0.5m
Chamakh, M STR Hairy Fadjeetas £16.5m
Podolski, L STR FC Testicluadew £11m

Chelsea

Cech, P GK Headless Chickens £19m
Ivanovic, B DEF Lokomotiv Leeds £10m
Cahill, G DEF Pikey Scum £7.5m
Cole, A DEF Judean Peoples’ Front £17m
Terry, J DEF Northern Monkeys £14m
Luiz, D DEF FC Testicluadew £3m
Mata, J MID PSV Mornington £28m
Marin, M MID Sporting Lesbian £0.5m
Ramires MID Vasco De Beauvoir £12m
Meireles, R MID Greendale Rockets £6m
Oscar MID Dynamo Charlton £5.5m
Hazard, E MID Hairy Fadjeetas £26m
McEachran, J MID Wandsworth Window Lickers £9m
Moses, V MID Bala Rinas £12m
Lampard, F MID Piedmonte £16m
Torres, F STR Newington Reds £37m
Sturridge, D STR Just put Carles £20m

Fulham

Schwarzer, M GK Just put Carles £0.5m
Riise, J DEF Lokomotiv Leeds £10m
Senderos, P DEF PSV Mornington £5m
Riether, S DEF Spartak Mogadishu £0.5m
Hughes, A DEF Hairy Fadjeetas £4m
Hangeland, B DEF Northern Monkeys £11m
Frei, K MID FC Testicluadew £5.5m
Rodallega, H STR Judean Peoples’ Front £0.5m

QPR

Green, R GK Piedmonte £0.5m
Fabio DEF Lokomotiv Leeds £0.5m
Ferdinand, A DEF Still Don’t Know Yet £4m
Fabio DEF PSV Mornington £5m
Nelsen, R DEF Newington Reds £0.5m
Young, L DEF Dynamo Charlton £4m
Taarabt, A MID Spartak Mogadishu £1m
W-Phillips, S MID Greendale Rockets £6m
Park, J MID Northern Monkeys £6m
Cisse, D STR Bala Rinas £12m
Zamora, B STR Wandsworth Window Lickers £2m

Spurs

Friedel, B GK Northern Monkeys £0.5m
Kaboul, Y DEF Bala Rinas £6.5m
Dawson, M DEF Headless Chickens £6m
Walker, K DEF Just put Carles £12m
Assou-Ekotto, B DEF Wandsworth Window Lickers £7m
Vertonghen, J DEF FC Testicluadew £13m
Sigurdsson, G MID Lokomotiv Leeds £20m
Bale, G MID Pikey Scum £30m
Modric, L MID Spartak Mogadishu £1m
Lennon, A MID Greendale Rockets £8.5m
Parker, S MID Judean Peoples’ Front £0.5m
van der Vaart, R MID Piedmonte £17m
Dempsey, C MID Headless Chickens £21m
Dembele, M STR Newington Reds £2.5m
Defoe, J STR Hairy Fadjeetas £13m

West Ham

Jaaskelainen, J GK Bala Rinas £0.5m
Collins, J DEF Just put Carles £0.5m
Tomkins, J DEF Piedmonte £3m
O’Neil, G MID Still Don’t Know Yet £0.5m
Noble, M MID PSV Mornington £8m
Nolan, K MID Spartak Mogadishu £5m
Cole, C STR Headless Chickens £1.5m
Carroll, A STR Headless Chickens £1m

North west club guide

North east club guide

East and South club guide

Midlands and West club guide

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Arfa Job: Luxury Man

Roman Triclinium scene
Inactivity: Gabriel Tamas, Micah Richards (centre) and Thomas Sorensen put Woking top of the luxury league

HAIRY FADJEETAS have hit out at BBC Radio Five Live after commentators branded Hatem Ben Arfa ‘a luxury man’.

The criticism came during the first half of last night’s match at Goodison Park as Ben Arfa continued to waste possession despite his team struggling in midfield at 1-0 down.

Comments made by summariser Danny Mills outraged the Hairy Fadjeetas midfielder’s manager.

“I’d like to see Five Live bring their ‘analysis’ to the bearpit that is the Kenna and then talk about luxuries,” he fumed from his Regency chaise longue in between mouthfuls After Eight mints dipped in asses’ milk fed to him by the woman who popped Marouane Chamakh’s cherry.

Luxury league

A ‘luxury player’ is considered to be someone whose individual talent can turn a game in his team’s favour, but who contributes little actual work to the side.

Identifying luxury players in general is largely a matter of opinion, but in the Kenna there’s a hard and fast rule.

Below, Kenna teams are ordered into a hierarchy of money spent on players who so far have contributed nothing to their side’s campaign.

Woking top the list, by virtue of having the most players on nil points, including that most profligate of signings – a luxury player in goal. Cynics might say that at one place off the bottom, the club also has a luxury manager.

Leroy Lita and the luxury player’s luxury player Tomas Rosicky have fin de siècle Vasco De Beauvoir a close second.

Considering his side’s dissolute approach, the Fadges boss would do well to heed to the BBC.

Northern MonkeysLokomotiv Leeds and Newington Reds are all huddled over their bowl of gruel and cancelling Christmas – all their players have scored points.

  1. Woking (£21.5m) – Thomas Sorensen (£4m), Gabriel Tamas (£5.5m), Micah Richards (£12m)
  2. Vasco De Beauvoir (£21.5m) – Tomas Rosicky (£1.5m), Leroy Lita (£20m)
  3. Hairy Fadjeetas (£18.5m) – Steve Warnock (£2m), Marouane Chamakh (£16.5m)
  4. Headless Chickens (£18m) – Phil Jones (£9.5m), Michael Dawson (£6m), Phil Bardsley (£2.5m)
  5. Dynamo Charlton (£15m) – Luke Young (£4m), Matthew Upson (£2.5m), The Ox (£8.5m)
  6. PSV Mornington (£12.5m) – Paolo Gazzaniga (£4.5m), Phillipe Senderos (£5m), Wes Brown (£3m)
  7. Pikey Scum (£11m) – Bacary Sagna
  8. Bala Rinas (£10m) – Stefan Savic
  9. Wandsworth Window Lickers (£9.5m) – Jamie Carragher (£0.5m), Josh McEachran (£9m)
  10. FC Testiculadew (£5.5m) – Karim Frei
  11. Greendale Rockets (£3.5m) – Richard Dunne (£3.5m)
  12. Still Don’t Know Yet (£2.5m) – Drusille Ngako (£1m), Shane Ferguson (£1m), Gary O’Neill (£0.5m)
  13. Judean Peoples’ Front (£1.5m) – Alan Hutton (£0.5m), Sebastian Squillaci (£0.5m), Scott Parker (£0.5m)
  14. Spartak Mogadishu (£1m) – Luka Modric
  15. Sporting Lesbian (£0.5m) – Marko Marin
  16. Piedmonte (£0.5m) – Rob Green
  17. Just Put Carles (£0.5m) – Jordan Henderson

League table

League table - week 4
League table – week 4

Weekly scores

    Manager Points Goals
1 FC Testicluadew James N 46 2
2 Greendale Rockets Stu 30 2
3 Hairy Fadjeetas Aiden 28 2
4 Just put Carles Carles 26 0
5 Northern Monkeys Hugo 25 0
6 Woking Mike 24 2
7 Lokomotiv Leeds Ben S 24 0
8 Bala Rinas Lewis 21 0
9 Sporting Lesbian Ben M 20 1
10 Headless Chickens John N 19 1
11 Dynamo Charlton Alex 19 0
12 Still Don’t Know Yet Pete 19 0
13 Newington Reds Dudley 18 0
14 PSV Mornington El Pons 17 2
15 Judean Peoples’ Front Sholto 17 0
16 Piedmonte Phil 16 0
17 Vasco De Beauvoir Stix 16 0
18 Spartak Mogadishu Abdi 14 0
19 Pikey Scum Jack 13 1
20 Wandsworth Window Lickers Will 2 0
Points Player
Player of the week 15 Gervinho – ARS – STR
Club Greendale Rockets
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Woking

Manager: Mike (Surrey)

Twitter name: @mister76mike

Since: Debut

Trophy cabinet: Empty

Sympathies: Everton

Darts music: You’re the best around – Joe Esposito

Outlook: Tentative debut auction for the Woking manager, with dogged pursuit of Sorensen and Ireland raising eyebrows in some quarters. Twitter lawyers stood down after frozen snack expert Rio Ferdinand lost on a Bramble and replaced by Gabriel Tamas. Micah Richards sidelined with injury for a month.

(B) = player awarded under the Titus Bramble ruling.

Krul, T NEW £4m
Baines, L EVE £22m
Cameron, G STO £5m
Scharner, P WIG £16m
Baird, C FUL £0.5m
Ramsey, A ARS £1m
Huddlestone, T (B) TOT £5m
Downing, S LIV £6.5m
Benayoun, Y WHM £8.5m
Torres, F CHE £30m
Holt, G NOR £20m
£118.5m

Second transfer window – 1 February 2013

Out     In
Vlaar, R AVL £6m Cameron, G STO £5m
Richards, M MCY £12m Scharner, P WIG £16m
Larsson, S SUN £9m Huddlestone, T (B) TOT £5m
Allen, J LIV £7m Downing, S LIV £6.5m
     
Long, S WBA £30m Torres, F CHE £30m
Hoilett, J QPR £3.5m Holt, G NOR £20m

First transfer window – 26 October 2012

Out     In
Sorensen, T STO £4m Krul, T NEW £4m
Tamas, G (B) WBA £5.5m Vlaar, R AVL £6m
Santos, A ARS £2.5m Baird, C FUL £0.5m
Cabeye, Y NEW £17m Ramsey, A ARS £1m
 
Ireland, S AVL £7m Benayoun, Y WHM £8.5m
Sharp, B SOT £1.5m Long, S WBA £30m
Hernandez, J MUN £5.5m Hoilett, J QPR £3.5m
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Who will be the most mediocre Premier League players of 2012/13?

Stella Artois
Stella cast: the Premier League is bursting with talent. Well, apart from the Titus Bramble brigade

SKY SPORTS hacks, former professionals-cum-pundits and the intimidating bloke at the bar with the British Bulldog tattoo and Argos bling all vehemently maintain that England has the best football league in the world.

While we can be certain that their assurances are absolutely genuine, and have nothing whatsoever to do with viewing figures, xenophobia or a grim, single-parent upbringing in a region of high unemployment, the more subversive among us sometimes harbour dark thoughts that not everyone competing in the Premier League is of a world-beating standard.

As the David Silvas, Wayne Rooneys and John Terrys of the land set them up, bang them in and save the handshaking for the faces of their teammates’ wives, a small contingent of those plying their trade on Super Sunday are more folly prone than Hollywood.

Even Signet Rings in the pub, at least until he’s charged up on a couple of rounds of wife beater, could be persuaded that some the players in the Premier League are what’s colloquially known as ‘a bit shit’.

For denizens of the Kenna this spirit of mediocrity has found earthly embodiment in the form of Titus Bramble. The journeyman defender continues to make regular starts in the Premier League despite his flaws at Newcastle once forming the contents of an official Chelsea dossier and nightclub indiscretions leading to unsavoury tangles with the law.

Ahead of the new season, the Kenna is searching for more specimens like Titus who are likely to spend the next few months showcasing just how average English football can be.

Make your suggestion by adding a comment below or join the debate on Twitter @jeffkennaleague.

The best suggestions will be assembled into a ‘Titus Bramble Invitational Squad’ and employed as forfeit players for the upcoming Kenna auction, to be held next month in another not-so-exclusive central London pub.

Managers breaking auction rules will have the cream of their side whipped out and replaced by one of ‘the Brambles’.

Here’s a smattering of last summer’s Bramble players, some of whom could be eligible for selection again:

Shaun Wright-Phillips (good at running, not so at kicking)

Michael Owen (in his Indian summer, bench-warming role at Old Trafford)

Hendry Thomas (can circumstances become any more unglamorous than holding midfielder at Wigan?)

Danny Shittu (yes, yes, name and nature. An obvious choice)

Mamady Sidibie (has failed to live up to the ‘Big Mama’ sobriquet for the last couple of seasons)

 

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Final 2011/12 Kenna table

AS ROMAN Abramovich composes his classified ad for the Russian oligarch equivalent of Autotrader (‘millions spent, could run well for another year or so’), another season of domestic football draws to a close.

For the sake of posterity (and to make room on the homepage for the upcoming Emmanuel Olisadebe European Cup), the final league standings for 2011/12 can be found below.

Week 39 - 15 May 2012

Final Kenna League standings 2011/12
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