Still Don’t Know Yet 2013/14

Ball profile pic
At odds: The Still Don’t Know Yet manager

Manager: Pete (Teeside)

Twitter name: @peterball01

Since: 2012

Last season: 14th

Trophy cabinet: Empty (best finish – last season)

Sympathies: Boro

Darts musicTheme from ‘The Power Game’ – Cyril Stapleton

Outlook (on 20 August 2013): Despite earnest, late 90s conversations to the contrary, the internet definitely caught on. Not only did it allow the Still Don’t Know Yet manager to Skype into the Kenna auction from his summer sojourn in the Med complete with sunglasses and a panama hat, it gave him the platform to prove that no matter where you are in the world it’s possible to spend half your budget on Robin van Persie and the rest on a bunch of no-hopers who’ll make less substantive appearances this season than Madeleine McCann. Still, if there’s a chance of her mum turning up looking worried in a bikini…

Of course, for the SDKY manager the auction was less about mounting a title challenge and more a further opportunity to nurture his growing disillusionment with the league apparatus. Disappearing early for a can Boddingtons and re-runs of Only Fools and Horses in Valencia’s premier English pub, he left three gaps in his team filled by correspondence later that week. An Andre Wisdom, Philippe Senderos and Billy Jones later (see paragraph above), a leaked email about how the auction was run revealed the struggling manager to be apoplectic:

“For a start I’m only missing three players which means I’ve done 73% of a job not a “half a job” which considering I was only able to see the first 1/16th of the auction I believe was a creditable performance. I used to think that your offer to take transfer requests via fax was some sort of retro joke but now it seems more likely that this is due to the antiquated technological set up at Kenna HQ. I hope some of this year’s increased fees will be invested in infrastructure.”

The leaked email also revealed the SDKY manager clearly hasn’t forgotten that Gary O’Neil/James Collins incident last summer, which resulted in the Irish defender being kidnapped from the team hotel by a van load of goons with poor elocution, thought – but never proven – to be acting on the orders of the Kenna executive. He raged:

“I’m not having your bureaucrats cripple my team again this year after O’Neil-gate with petty administrative attacks.”

Kenna HQ remain tight lipped about the affair, except to make a firm rebuttal that there was “no retro joke involved in such a serious matter as faxing in transfer window requests”.

The fracas looks set to continue.

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FFrqbfiFlQQ&w=420&h=315]

Guzan, B AVL £8m
Agger, D LIV £5m
Tomkins, J WHU £0.5m
Dawson, M TOT £0.5m
Jenkinson, C ARS £0.5m
Pilkington, A NOR £8m
Sung-Yeung, K SUN £8.5m
Adam, C STO £0.5m
Davis, S SOT £4m
van Persie, R MUN £46m
Gayle, D CRY £0.5m
£82m

First transfer window – 5 October 2013

Starting budget: £12.5m, remaining budget: £13m, net profit: £0.5m

(Hyperlink denotes to/from which club player was sold/bought)

Out       In      
Pos Player Team Sold Pos Player Team Paid
DEF Wisdom, A LIV Free DEF Dawson, M TOT £0.5m
DEF Senderos, P FUL £2m DEF Jenkinson, C ARS £0.5m
MID Essien, M CHE Free MID Adam, C STO £0.5m

Second transfer window – 7 February 2014

Out       In      
Pos Player Team Sold Pos Player Team Paid
DEF Connolly, M CAR Free DEF Agger, D LIV £5m
DEF Davies, B WBA Free DEF Tomkins, J WHU £0.5m
MID Cabaye, Y PSG Free MID Sung-Yueng, K SUN £8.5m
STR Graham, D MID Free STR Gayle, D CRY £0.5m
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Sporting Lesbian 2013/14

Ben M profile
Furry touch: The Sporting Lesbian manager

Manager: Ben M (Cumbria)

Twitter name: @BenMarcangelo

Since: 2012

Last season: 1st

Trophy cabinet: Champions 2012/13

Sympathies: Liverpool

Darts music: Lesbian Seagull – David van Driessen

Outlook: No manager has ever defended the Kenna title, and even Sporting Lesbian’s most optimistic fan would say this side doesn’t look like emulating the success of last season’s outfit. The only survivor from that collective, Marc Wilson is joined by a capable defence of Coleman, Rose and Coloccini – although the Argentine is prone to homesickness. David de Gea looks likely to start in goal all season.

Up front the £27m price tag for the untested, and injury prone, Jovetic may seem excessive, but Podolski could be one of the bargains of the season. Creativity abounds in midfield, but last season’s success was built on the outstanding form of Michu, and a similar discovery is yet to be evidenced here.

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4BaKOluofCA&w=560&h=315]

de Gea, D MUN £11m
Rose, D TOT £8m
Coleman, S EVE £14m
Ward, J CRY £1.5m
Wilson, M STO £0.5m
Coutinho, P LIV £19m
Snodgrass, R NOR £8m
Zaha, W CAR £15m
Ramires CHE £0.5m
Anichebe, V WBA £0.5m
Podolski, L ARS £1.5m
£79.5m

First transfer window – 5 October 2013

Starting budget: £11.5m, remaining budget: £15.5m, net profit: £4m

(Hyperlink denotes to which club player was sold)

Pos Player Team Sold Pos Player Team Paid
DEF Coloccini, F NEW £4.5m DEF Turner, B CAR £0.5m

Second transfer window – 7 February 2014

Out       In      
Pos Player Team Sold Pos Player Team Value
DEF Turner, B CAR £0.5m DEF Ward, J CRY £1.5m
MID Giaccherini, E SUN Free MID Zaha, W CAR £15m
STR Jovetic, S MCY Free STR Anichebe, V WBA £0.5m
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Newington Reds 2013/14

Dudley with fax
Fax it up twice a season: The Newington Reds manager

Manager: Dudley (Wolverhampton)

Twitter name: @dudleyben

Since: 2005 (co-founder and committee member – charts and graphs)

Trophy cabinet: Empty (best finish – second in 2005/06)

Last season: 11th

Sympathies: Liverpool

Darts music: Forever Young – Alphaville

Outlook: As the hunt for that elusive first Kenna title enters its ninth year, the Newington Reds manager stands accused by the club’s fans of giving up before the season has begun. While they believe Joe Hart is a solid buy in goal, they think forking out £22m Shinji Kagawa – who spends much time as an unused substitute – and £14m on the controversial Loic Remy represents a particular lack of financial and tactical savvy.

But, those complaints are nothing next to what Reds supporters view as the manager’s biggest crime. With three midfielders still to buy, the Wulfrunian left the auction halfway through to go to Lion King on Ice in the West End. Fans’ forums lit up last Saturday with deprecation for a move which resulted in the manager missing out on such late-auction deals as Juan Mata  and Joe Cole – who went for £0.5m each.

What Reds are left with is a team unlikely to bother the top half of the table, even if James McCarthy is brought into the top flight. With only £2m left in the war chest, the Reds manager better sort out his office fax machine once and for all come the window if he wants to unlock the £10m bonus and drag himself back into the contest.

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Hart, J MCY £24m
Chico SWA £8m
Gibbs, K ARS £13m
Bertrand, R AVL £0.5m
Cahill, G CHE £7m
Redmond, N NOR £0.5m
Stirling, R LIV £0.5m
Januzaj, A MUN £12m
Assaidi, O STO £0.5m
Berahino, S WBA £0.5m
Remy, L NEW £14m
£80.5m

First transfer window – 5 October 2013

Starting budget: £12m, remaining budget: £5.5m, net loss: £6.5m

(Hyperlink denotes from which team player was bought)

Out In
Position Player Team Sold Position Player Team Paid
DEF Cuellar, C SUN Free DEF T-Catherine, K CAR £0.5m
MID Allen, J LIV Free MID Downing, S WHU £0.5m
MID Jedinak, M CRY Free MID Stirling, R LIV £0.5m
MID Kagawa, S MUN Free MID Huddlestone, T HUL £3.5m
STR Defoe, J TOT Free STR Osvaldo, P SOT £1.5m

Second transfer window – 7 February 2014

Starting budget: £15.5m, remaining budget: £1.5m, net loss: £14m

Out In
Position Player Team Sold Position Player Team Paid
DEF T-Catherine, K CAR Free DEF Bertrand, R AVL £0.5m
MID Downing, S WHU £0.5m MID Januzaj, A MUN £12m
MID McCarthy, J EVE Free MID Redmond, N NOR £0.5m
MID Huddlestone, T HUL Free MID Assaidi, O STO £0.5m
STR Osvaldo, D JUV Free STR Berahino, S WBA £0.5m
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Judean Peoples’ Front 2013/14

Sholto profile pic
Breivik-a-like: The Judean Peoples’ Front manager

Manager: Sholto (Wales)

Since: 2008

Last season: 3rd

Trophy cabinet: empty (best finish – last season)

Sympathies: Manchester United

Darts music: Serial Killa – Snoop Doggy Dogg

Outlook: Once upon a time the Judean Peoples’ Front manager’s most notable achievement was his uncanny resemblance to Norwegian mass murderer Anders Breivik, but in May the Welshman secured a podium finish – his best ever in four Kenna campaigns.

Last season’s success was built on a solid defensive platform – unlike his Scandinavian lone wolf doppelganger his side found the target the least number of times in the field – and again goals would appear to be this new team’s weakness. Jelavic and Rodriguez scored 14 times between them last term, and the Croat looked out of sorts compared to his initial spurt in England.

In midfield it’s the same story. Stewart Downing’s shortcomings are well documented, Holtby sits deep, Sidwell’s ginger and while an impressive player the marquee £23m signing Jack Wilshere struggles to apply his particular talents to the Kenna scoring system.

Just as Njemana Vidic and Branislav Ivanovic hint that the JPF manager is searching for that same defensive formula again, Ciaran Clark and Liam Ridgewell imply he ran out of ideas in the auction . At least Allan McGregor should start every game.

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BJaVoKpHwd0&w=420&h=315]

Adrian WHU £0.5m
Ivanovic, B CHE £22m
Ridgewell, L WBA £4.5m
Clark, C AVL £1m
Vidic, N MUN £8.5m
Routledge, W SWA £1m
Wilshere, J ARS £23m
Erikson, C TOT £11m
Sidwell, S FUL £6.5m
Rodriguez, J SOT £0.5m
Jelavic, N HUL £3m
£85.5m

First transfer window – 5 October 2013

Starting budget: £16.5m, remaining budget: £5m, net loss: £11.5m

(Hyperlink denotes to which club player was sold)

Out       In      
Pos Player Team Sold Pos Player Team Paid
MID Downing, S WHU £0.5m MID Morrison, R WHU £0.5m
MID Holtby, L TOT Free MID Erikson, C TOT £11m
STR Rodriguez, J SOT Free STR Rodriguez, J SOT £0.5m

Second transfer window – 7 February 2014

Out       In      
Pos Player Team Sold Pos Player Team Paid
GK McGregor, A HUL £0.5m GK Adrian WHU £0.5m
MID Morrison, R WHU Free MID Routledge, W SWA £1m
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The 7.08 Club

Auction
Boiler room: The auction itself was tranquil enough, but the after party…

SHOCKWAVES from Saturday’s Kenna fantasy football auction are still being felt in London five days on.

The marathon event shook the upstairs bar of the Roebuck in Borough for a record eight hours, as 21 managers worked their way through 232 lots and many more units of Central European lager.

Robin van Persie fetched the highest price of £46m – almost half a Kenna manager’s ton budget – bought over Skype by a mysterious man in Valencia wearing a Panama hat.

At £39m each Wayne Rooney and Sergio Aguero were the next biggest signings bought by St Reatham FC, the former Woking manager’s new team, and KS West Green, the Chairman’s team, respectively. Both managers steered their teams to relegation last season.

But it wasn’t the ninth annual Kenna auction itself that caused the biggest stir.

Locked in competition for a full shift, the majority of Kenna managers decided to accept the FC Rapid de Cuillons manager’s invitation to a late drink on his Thames boat bar: Bar&Co.

As the complimentary shooters flowed, the pressure of entering the world’s most competitive fantasy football league began to show, with memories of the evening becoming hazier.

Anders Breivik lookalike the Judean Peoples’ Front manager was among a hardened group of post-auction revellers who reported getting home at breakfast time, but he was not the biggest casualty.

Shutting himself into the Kenna HQ situation room with nothing but a case of tinned sardines and the auction wildcards, it took until Wednesday for the Kenna chairman to come to terms with the beast he’d created.

Emerging from his solitary vigil the chairman said: “Up until Saturday many people associated with the Kenna often wished there was more than one auction a year. Not any more.

“Glad as we are to be involved with this great institution, no one’s sanity, home life or alimentary canal could possibly deal with more than one of those sessions in 12 months.”

The first transfer window in October will probably come close.

The league will issue full details of teams and remaining budgets ahead of the season curtain raiser on Saturday at 12.45pm.

Wildcard
Wildcard: each manager could pick one player at random to be auctioned immediately
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League incompetence exposed

20130405-193055.jpg
Spot the Luger: The Chairman claims he was never in the former Gestapo headquarters in Warsaw

THE KENNA League has been accused of taking a ‘back of a fag packet’ approach in the wake of a cup results controversy.

On Tuesday Kenna HQ published aggregate scores of the Canesten Combi Cup quarter finals which were immediately called into question.

Sporting Lesbian were initially believed to have beaten Just Put Carles after their match at The Gash. It now appears that result was wrong and JPC will progress.

The Spartak Mogadishu manager also claims that his team had no chance of beating Northern Monkeys. Both goal counts are to be reviewed.

The league has come under severe criticism surrounding the matter, with the Chairman’s official visit to Poland pinpointed as the reason for the oversight.

Rumours abound that instead of attending to Kenna business the Chairman was making ‘guess where I am’ phone calls to his mates from the duty office of the former Gestapo headquarters in Warsaw.

“You can shine a desk lamp in my face and kick me in the knackers with a jackboot, but I’ll keep telling you the same story: what with eating a strange mixture of cabbage and pickled herring at mealtimes, and drinking myriad shots, I’ve had my hands full,” said the Chairman, who isn’t any less of a man for discovering a taste for quince vodka.

“You must appreciate that I’ve had no access to Microsoft Excel for a week, something the Headless Chickens manager will understand, and when I return to Kenna HQ all will be resolved.

“Right now I’ve got three more days of Poles giggling as I attempt to communicate with them in their native tongue.”

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Kenna season two: Enter Ronaldo

Rooney sent off 2006
The day English World Cup delusion died

FOR MANY Englishmen the Germany 2006 World Cup was a rude awakening.

In the build up to the tournament expectancy filled the air, and the airwaves. Everyone was telling us that this was England’s chance. The Golden Generation.

“Look at our players. Just look! They’re all playing for top clubs reaching the latter stages of the Champions League.”

“They’ve knighted Geoff Hurst! This must be an omen, because he beat the Germans in an era we can’t remember and from which we’ve never watched a full game, just the same clips over and over again.”

“All the World Cup winners since 1966 form a mathematical sequence that is completed only if England win in Germany. I’m not saying it’s in the bag, but by thunder it’s our best chance for years!”

Such were the sentiments fanning the flames of hope.

As with any tournament it all ended with tears for the English, and that was the moment most Kenna managers should have realised that no matter how many ‘years of hurt’ they’d undergone mediocrity should just be accepted.

Looking back now, the 90s – two semi-final finishes and a roller coaster of a game against Argentina in Massif Central – were the pinnacle of England’s international endeavour since lifting the Jules Rimet, but as managers assembled in the One Tun near Goodge Street tube station for the 2006-07 season’s auction in early August, the memory of that Madeirense eyelid movement on a field in the Ruhr still cut deep.

Most expensive summer signings

1 T Henry £36.5m Tourette’s Allstars
2 A Shevchenko £35.5m Tourette’s Allstars
3 W Rooney £34m Fat Ladies
4 S Gerrard £29m Thieving Magpies
5 J Terry £28.5m Fat Ladies

The auction became a morality play. Footballers were merited on their performance in Germany rather than their week-in, week-out trade at club level.

Widely vilified for failing to find the net in the World Cup, Frank Lampard went for a paltry £18m to Thieving Magpies despite being one of the domestic game’s top performers the season previous.

On his Kenna debut the FC Gun Show manager, noted for his pragmatism, loose morals and Hackett socks, cleaned up.

As he bought diving Drogba for £5m, Berbatov for £18m and the anti-christ himself Cristiano Ronaldo for £22m, the rest of the league guffawed at the folly.

Story of the season – (see the Rub for the season)

Manager of the Month 2006-07
Green: Manager of the Month, Red: Turkey of the Month

The Portuguese went on to enjoy a three-season reign of majestic dominance in the Kenna, and helped FC Gun Show become the second ever manager to win the league.

His three star players aside, only one other of the FC Gun Show manager’s original eleven chalked up over 100 points – Stewart Downing.

Thieving Magpies came second, although at the time their inability to do better was touted as further evidence that Frank Lampard and Steven Gerrard can’t ‘dovetail’ in midfield.

Defending champions Vasco De Beauvoir could only muster third place, but were consoled by winning the inaugural Canesten Combi Cup competition, beating 120 Checkout in the final by 34 points to 19.

The Kenna’s first ever female manager bumped right into the glass ceiling. Building a team around Ricardo Vaz Te was held at fault, rather than gender issues.

Every manager learnt two important lessons that August night in Fitzrovia: no one wins the Kenna buying players they like and the One Tun is not a good auction venue.

They also discovered that the Kidderminster Harriers squad possessed more Premier League winners medals (one) than the Liverpool squad. And so the Stuart Watkiss League was renamed to become the Jeff Kenna.

Final league table

Kenna League - final standings 2006-07
Kenna League – final standings 2006-07

Highest scorers

1 C Ronaldo 247 £22m FC Gun Show
2 W Rooney 236 £34m Fat Ladies
3 F Lampard 215 £18m Thieving Magpies
4 D Berbatov 211 £18m FC Gun Show
5 D Drogba 199 £5m FC Gun Show
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Shower of expectation

Shower scene
Happy ending: Half the teams in the Kenna have already progressed from the cup group stage (Photograph courtesy of Wet and Messy Photography)

CRYSTALLIZED at the bottom, breathless at the top and much jiggling around in the middle: in many ways the Kenna table resembles a fat man with gout and a carrier bag over his head in the final throes of rubbing one off in the shower.

So it’s fitting that the coming weekend sees the climax of the race to the cup knockout stage. Who will breathe a satisfying sigh of relief? Who will tumble through the shower curtain, sustain a fatal head injury on the sink and be found naked three days later by sniggering paramedics?

Going into the deciding week, each manager will be looking at his team for goals, the key to a successful cup campaign. Chances of progression to knockout stages are analysed below – starting with the most wide open.

Group D - 8 January 2013
Group D – 8 January 2013

Group D

Just Put Carles v Wandsworth Window Lickers
Lokomotiv Leeds v Piedmonte

The Lickers will be backing Peter Odemwingie (7 goals this season) and club top scorer Fellaini (11) to combat the recent upturn in form of Just Put Carles striker Daniel Sturridge (4). Lokomotiv Leeds will hope that Jonathan Walters (7) will score at the right end, while Piedmonte look to Lambert (10) and Lampard (7) – a draw will not guarantee survival for either club.

Group C - 8 January 2013
Group C – 8 January 2013

Group C

Sporting Lesbian v Newington Reds
FC Testiculadew v Spartak Mogadishu

Sporting Lesbian trio Luis Suarez (18), Michu (14) and Sergio Aguero (8) will take some beating from Newington Reds, who rely on, oh dear, star striker Fernando Torres (7). A woeful goal difference means FC Testiculadew will have to keep out Spartak Mogadishu star Romelu Lukaku (9) to ensure safety.

Group B - 8 January 2013
Group B – 8 January 2013

Group B

Vasco De Beauvoir v Headless Chickens
Northern Monkeys v Judean Peoples’ Front

No player at either Vasco De Beauvoir or Judean Peoples’ Front have found the net for two weeks, and being on equal goal difference survival may be decided on who ships the least in the final game. A 1-1 draw was played out between the clubs in December, so JPF carry the advantage having scored one more goal in the contest.

Group A - 8 January 2013
Group A – 8 January 2013

Group A

Greendale Rockets v Dynamo Charlton
Woking v Still Don’t Know Yet

Friendly encounters all round as Bala Rinas managed got knocked out with a game to go.

League table

Week 21 - 22 January 2013
Week 21 – 22 January 2013

Weekly scores

Manager Points Goals
1 Pikey Scum Jack 56 4
2 Lokomotiv Leeds Ben S 44 3
3 Piedmonte Phil 44 2
4 Northern Monkeys Hugo 42 1
5 Just put Carles Carles 40 4
6 Bala Rinas Lewis 39 0
7 Wandsworth Window Lickers Will 38 1
8 PSV Mornington El Pons 37 3
9 Vasco De Beauvoir Stix 37 0
10 Headless Chickens John N 35 1
11 Newington Reds Dudley 35 0
12 Still Don’t Know Yet Pete 33 2
13 Sporting Lesbian Ben M 32 1
14 Hairy Fadjeetas Aiden 26 1
15 Judean Peoples’ Front Sholto 26 0
16 Spartak Mogadishu Abdi 26 0
17 Dynamo Charlton Alex 25 0
18 Greendale Rockets Stu 22 1
19 FC Testicluadew James N 18 1
20 Woking Mike 16 0
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Kenna club guide – Midlands and West

Immediately identify Kenna players in Midlands and West clubs: Aston Villa, Stoke, Swansea and West Brom.

Aston Villa

Given, S GK Dynamo Charlton £13m
Dunne, R DEF Greendale Rockets £3.5m
Hutton, A DEF Judean Peoples’ Front £0.5m
Warnock, S DEF Hairy Fadjeetas £2m
Holman, B MID Lokomotiv Leeds £0.5m
N’Zogbia, C MID Sporting Lesbian £6.5m
El Ahmadi, K MID Pikey Scum £3m
Ireland, S MID Woking £7m
Delph, F MID Northern Monkeys £7.5m
Agbonlahor, G STR PSV Mornington £7m
Bent, D STR Piedmonte £16m

Stoke

Sorensen, T GK Woking £4m
Wilson, M DEF Sporting Lesbian £2m
Huth, R DEF Pikey Scum £5m
Shawcross, R DEF Spartak Mogadishu £11m
Upson, M DEF Dynamo Charlton £2.5m
Delap, R MID PSV Mornington £0.5m
Pennant, J MID Vasco De Beauvoir £1m
Kightly, M MID Greendale Rockets £5m
Etherington, M MID Newington Reds £6m
Walters, J STR Lokomotiv Leeds £7m
Crouch, P STR FC Testicluadew £2m

Swansea

Taylor, N DEF Greendale Rockets £0.5m
Rangel, A DEF Newington Reds £3m
Williams, A DEF Hairy Fadjeetas £3.5m
Michu MID Sporting Lesbian £2.5m
Routledge, W MID Headless Chickens £1m
Britton, L MID Judean Peoples’ Front £0.5m
Sinclair, S MID FC Testicluadew £11m
Dyer, N MID Piedmonte £10m
Lita, L STR Vasco De Beauvoir £20m
Graham, D STR Dynamo Charlton £10m

West Brom

Foster, B GK Sporting Lesbian £6.5m
McAuley, G DEF Vasco De Beauvoir £0.5m
Olsson, J DEF Just put Carles £0.5m
Tamas, G DEF Woking £5.5m
Morrison, J MID Still Don’t Know Yet £2.5m
Brunt, C MID Pikey Scum £4m
Mulumbu, Y MID Newington Reds £1.5m
Lukaku, R STR Spartak Mogadishu £14m
Odemwingie, P STR Wandsworth Window Lickers £6m

London club guide

North west club guide

North east club guide

East and South club guide

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Kenna club guide – East and South

Immediately identify Kenna players in east and south Premier League clubs: Norwich, Reading and Southampton.

Norwich

Ruddy, J GK FC Testicluadew £1.5m
Pilkington, A MID Headless Chickens £3.5m
Snodgrass, R MID Dynamo Charlton £6.5m
Hoolahan, W MID Hairy Fadjeetas £2.5m
Holt, G STR Bala Rinas £9m

Reading

Federici, A GK Lokomotiv Leeds £0.5m
Harte, I DEF Vasco De Beauvoir £10m
Pearce, A DEF Northern Monkeys £3m
McCleary, G MID Hairy Fadjeetas £0.5m
Pogrebnyak, P STR Pikey Scum £8.5m

Southampton

Gazzaniga, P GK PSV Mornington £4.5m
Clyne, N DEF Wandsworth Window Lickers £6m
Lallana, A MID Spartak Mogadishu £14m
Sharp, B STR Woking £1.5m
Lambert, R STR Piedmonte £13m

London club guide

North west club guide

North east club guide

Midlands and West club guide

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