The chairman will describe the festive period as “a time to remember all that we have to be thankful for now silent bidding has been successfully introduced into the August auction“.
This year’s message, produced by ITN, will be broadcast on television and radio at 15:00 GMT.
The chairman will say during his broadcast: “It is true that the Kenna has had to confront moments of darkness this year, but the Gospel of John contains a verse of great hope, often read at Christmas carol services: ‘The light shines in the darkness, and tactical Brambling has not overcome it’.”
Another masterful display from Riyad Mahrez saw Young Boys go 76 points clear at the top of the table for Christmas.
Narcozep Cup results
Real Threat 19 – 26 Pikey Scum
Young Boys 23 – 32 Hairy Fadjeetas
KS West Green 19 – 33 Headless Chickens
Newington Reds 29 – 31 FC Tescticuladew
ISIL 25 – 35 Team Panda
Lokomotiv Leeds 18 – 16 Bala Rinas
Thieving Magpies 14 – 19 Northern Monkeys
Judean People’s Front 29 – 36 Wandsworth Network Solutions
A KENNA League manager has been exposed trying to avoid the media spotlight for fear it would bring an end to his team’s run of form.
Walthamstow Reds are one of the few sides to climb the league since the October transfer window, where the manager made five new signings.
Over the last few weeks the Reds have gone from sixth to third place in the league and are second in Narcozep Cup group B after just one game, but the manager has been keen to keep a low profile.
In a leaked communique to Kenna HQ he said: “Have been desperately hoping that you continue to not write about me and that my creep up the table since the transfer window continues to go unnoticed.”
Unfortunately for the Reds, the manager’s plan went awry this week when he was spotted by a police patrol trying to escape the glare of top-flight football in an E17 alleyway in a hat, dark glasses, trench coat and upturned collar.
The Reds manager tried to explain his suspicious behaviour, saying it was nothing to do with the proximity of a local primary school but the promise of a maiden Kenna title. Waltham Forest’s finest were not convinced.
Desperate to prove his innocence, the manager went on to tell stoney-faced constables of Kasper Schmiechel clean sheets, Glenn Murray’s rebirth of form and ‘the importance of beating Young Boys‘.
He was taken to Chingford nick for further questioning.
HE stared out of the window from his desk for some time.
It was hard not to be downcast. The season was drifting once again.
It was another disaster. He had little doubt about that as he looked over the training pitches at The Coop. And the seeds of failure had surely been sown in August.
Diego Costa. Diego fucking Costa. Fifty fucking million. That was supposed to buy goals, buy points. Instead the most exciting thing he got was a pink bib thrown in his general direction. He should have known. Never trust a man who can grow a beard during the course of a game.
Although at least Costa got a game. His other marquee signing had spent most of season on the sidelines. Vincent Kompany had only played three times since 1 September. With luck like this it was easy to see how his side were hanging above the relegation zone.
Was it luck? The more he pondered the clearer his own shortcomings in London pub-based fantasy football became. The highest ever finish he’d ever managed was ninth. All the rest had been in the teens it looked like going that way again unless he could make serious moves in the February transfer window.
The transfer window! Releasing Ronaldo (he cursed himself again. Ronaldo!) in favour of Cameron Jerome had been the one positive move he’d made this campaign. If you could call one goal in eight weeks positive.
Apart from Jerome the window hadn’t offered up any opportunities. Or was it his own tactical shortsightedness? He was sure there was something in his back four that needed attention, but he could never quite put his finger on it.
His reverie was interrupted by his secretary coming in with the post. He mumbled thanks and as she left the room idly riffled through the usual bumph of bills and death threats.
A postcard of the Santiago Bernabeu stadium stuck out. He’d been receiving one of these once a week since the start of the season. He sighed and turned it over.
‘TOSSER’ was written on the back. He fought back a tear and put it in the bottom drawer of his desk with the others.
One day he would get his hands on this prankster who called himself ‘Sergio Ramos‘.
Narcozep Cup fixtures
Just Put Carles v Young Boys
Pikey Scum v Hairy Fadjeetas
Uncertain v Walthamstow Reds
Headless Chickens v FC Testiculadew
Dynamo Charlton v Lokomotiv Leeds
Team Panda v Bala Rinas
Cowley Casuals v Judean Peoples’ Front
Northern Monkeys v Wandsworth Network Solutions
THE manager of Hairy Fadjeetas was left with some explaining to do after his side were battered by Real Threat in this weekend’s opening Narcozep Cup fixtures.
A Jamie Vardy slot was not enough and the Fadges were seen to clam up as Real thrust into the box over and over again until Jermaine Defoe and Manuel Lanzini both decisively drove it home.
Real midfielder Gerard Deulofeu beavered away to create two goals (the young Catalan was released by Cowley Casuals at last month’s transfer window in favour of Xedran Shaquiri, a signing yet to bear fruit).
Defeat is a huge gash in Fadges’ hopes of progressing to the knock out stage, and the honey pot at the end of a successful cup run.
There are murmurs at Bikini Lane should the manager not produce silverware this season he could face the axe. Wound up when confronted with rumours in the post-match interview, the manager of Fadges seeped with fluid vehemence.
“This kind of talk gets right up my chuff. It’s typical from fans. It’s such a fan-ny conclusion. They sit there eating their burgers and pies, and think they know how to run a top-flight football team.
“Where do people get the front? Bottom. That’s where this club would be if it wasn’t for me,” he said in one of the season’s most meaty flaps.
Shirt sponsors Volkswagen Group could pull their backing if results don’t improve.
“We’re still chewing it over,” said a VAG spokesperson.
Supporters groups have been highly critical of the manager’s outburst.
“He can’t go on attacking the fans this way and while the team’s form is so poor and results aren’t coming in, especially if financial backing is at stake,” said Poachers Glovebox, secretary of fans’ outfit Vagitarians.
“I can only see one outcome if he keeps up this sort of beef: curtains.”
PREPARATIONS for this weekend’s first round of Narcozep Cup fixtures will be under extra pressure with the introduction of Real Threat.
Made up of the best unsigned players, Real Threat was introduced this season to make up numbers in the cup group draw.
With names like Jonny Howson, Philipp Wollschied and Chancel Mbemba, it’s hard to imagine any manager signing the Real Threat XI in the August auction without being ridiculed for lack of ambition.
Yet a points tally that would put them third in the table means the side are literally a Real Threat, particularly since this year’s cup will be measured on points scored in a week rather than goals.
Scraping up an average of around 20 points a week, Hairy Fadjeetas go into the Narcozep Cup group A curtain raiser this weekend as firm underdogs against the newcomers, who would average more than 30.
More managers will be concerned. Only Young Boys outscore Real Threat in group A, and just two qualification places are available.
All of which means Cowley Casuals or Dynamo Charlton could find themselves up against former players – their ‘rejects’ even – in a semi final showdown should Real Threat progress.
Most of all Kenna HQ concern levels could rise dramatically. If Real Threat go on to win the cup the managerial fallout will be apocalyptic.
“I’m not concerned,” said the chairman, eying his cocktail cabinet pensively before breakfast. “If Real Threat do somehow qualify, and admittedly it looks likely considering the opposition in group A, the team will be disbanded ahead of the second transfer window in early February and picked again after that.
“I’m sure after the second window managers will have signed all the best players ‘from the pot’. The managerial quality and foresight in the Kenna is….ah.”
Real Threat
Wayne Hennessey – Crystal Palace goalkeeper – 24 points Gareth McAuley – West Brom defender – 41 points
Philipp Wollschied – Stoke defender – 31 points
Sebastian Prodl – Watford defender – 27 points
Chancel Mbemba – Newcastle defender – 25 points Manuel Lanzini – West Ham midfielder – 38 points Jonny Howson – Norwich midfielder – 37 points Gerard Deulofeu – Everton midfielder – 37 points (formerly of Cowley Casuals) Steven Davis – Southampton midfielder – 31 points Jermaine Defoe – Sunderland striker – 34 points (formerly of Dynamo Charlton)
Wilfred Bony – Manchester City – 32 points (formerly of Cowley Casuals)
FOOTBALL managers across England’s top flight prepared themselves for weeks of gloating as Young Boys of Vauxhall increased their lead in the Kenna League.
A brace from Ryad Mahrez and a goal from Romelu Lukaku meant the south London club put 27 points between them and closest challengers Bala Rinas.
For Kenna veterans, Young Boys’ dominance can only mean one thing: increased levels of crowing from the manager.
True to form, he took to social media platform Twitter yesterday….
@jeffkennaleague never mind all this, where’s the latest Kenna table? I want to see how far I’m ahead
Asked for his thoughts on the tweet in a press conference this morning, the Bala Rinas manager said: “My side is putting in good displays with Payet and Pelle playing well. We hope to chase down the leaders eventually, if only to shut the guy up.”
The Judean Peoples’ Front manager, fierce rivals of Young Boys, was more openly hostile: “Who does the Young Boys manager think he is? His team has played well for a third of a season in four years. It hardly constitutes managerial genius.
“The Mahrez signing was complete dumb luck, but he’s touting it around like it’s some sort of tactical foresight. Bellend.”
As a neutral observer, the Kenna chairman remained impartial: “Never trust a man with a toy horse racing set and an Italian girlfriend.”
THE Jeff Kenna League chairman has expressed ‘shock and disappointment’ his efforts are not shortlisted in a prestigious blog awards.
Arseblog and Caughtoffside are among the four blogs announced this week as finalists in the sports category of the inaugural Vuelio Blog Awards. The ceremony is to be held on Friday 27 November in the City of London.
The chairman said: “As the chronicler of London’s leading pub-based fantasy football league, I can only express shock and disappointment at not being recognised in these awards.
“We are at the forefront of (mostly) coherent blogs about fantasy football leagues, away from the mass marketing devices of national media. We are doing something new in a realm of the unexplored. We are literally penetrating white space.
Growing from just eight managers to around 20 in the last few seasons, the Kenna has provided a home for armchair tacticians with a passion for football and sitting in licensed premises for hours on end trying not get so drunk they forfeit their best player under the notorious Titus Bramble ruling.
Asked whether he will attend the black tie awards ceremony, the chairman said: “Well, at least those copycats from the Marion Pahars League haven’t been shortlisted either.
“And I suppose they’ll be serving a glass of fizz or two.”
A football manager’s wife has accused Kenna HQ of hijacking her birthday party with a cup draw.
As friends and family of the Judean Peoples’ Front manager’s better half gathered in The Roebuck, Borough, to celebrate her 30th natal day, the Kenna chairman was found to be making the group draw of this season’s Narcozep Cup in between complimentary glasses of prosecco and cursory raids on the finger buffet.
Mrs B could not contain her outrage on the night and stood on a chair to descry the league apparatus to stunned onlookers.
“Wat die hel doen jy, domkops? It’s supposed to be a special day for me, but you’ve ruined the whole evening with your second-rate cup contest.
“Sit jou kop in die koei se kont en wag tot die bul jou kom holnaai!” she raged at the chairman in a curious mixture of English and Afrikaans.
Newlywed the Judean Peoples’ Front manager put in a typically slopey-shouldered display when it mattered most. He was outside having a cigarette and rejoicing in Welsh rugby.
Managers present were quick to jump to the defence of their chairman…
The chairman defended his decision to hold what the media has come to term an ‘ambush cup draw’.
“I can’t see what the problem is really. I’m here perfectly legitimately. I got a ticket from Robbie Earle,” he shrugged.
Backers Narcozep have taken a dim view of the incident, and are threatening to pull sponsorship.
For the first time, this season’s draw contains a dummy team – Real Fuck Up. The side will be made up of unsigned players and make up the numbers in group A.
Points rather than goals will decide fixtures in this year’s cup contest.
DYNAMO Charlton are thought to be lining up a £50m bid Anthony Martial at tomorrow’s Kenna transfer window, it emerged tonight.
Having waved ‘cheerio’ to global brand Jermaine Defoe, the Dynamo manager is unhindered by the Titus Bramble ruling and any rival with a war chest to challenge his own.
The stage is set for Dynamo Charlton to make shorter work of the season’s first transfer window than a cartoon superhero calling upon ‘speed of the puma’ to punch the Spaniard (pictured).
Nearly 50 points off leaders Young Boys, Dynamo have been desperate for goals and snaffling Martial will put the manager firmly in the chase for his debut league title.
The YB boss will join many others in the hunt for one of Craig Cathcart, Allan Nyom and Sebastian Prodl, all of whom has made an overachieving start to the campaign.
Striker Jamie Vardy, midfielder Cheikhou Kouyate and defender Craig Dawson are also among targets likely to attract ludicrously overinflated bids when the league gathers in the Rugby Tavern, Bloomsbury from 6.30pm.
A total of 14 managers claimed the full £10m transfer window bonus by posting their released players to Kenna HQ by Wednesday’s deadline. Two sides claimed the £5m boon for a digital communication to administrators.
The managers of Just Put Carles, Judean Peoples’ Front and Uncertain all failed to interact at all with Kenna HQ. Only by releasing a one permitted wildcard player can they hope to do any business tomorrow.
Remaining budgets and available players were published tonight exclusively on KennaLeague.com.
