premier league – Page 33 – The Jeff Kenna League

Just Put Carles 2015/16

Manager: Carles (Catalunya)

Twitter name: @cduzpalau

Since: 2010

Home ground: Camp de la Independencia

Training facility: The Farmhouse

Trophy cabinet: Empty (highest league position – 5th in 2012/13)

Kenna Index rating: 0.604 – 16th
2010/2011 – 9th
2011/12 – 14th
2012/13 – 5th
2012/13 – 15th
2013/14 – 17th

Sympathies: FC Barcelona

Darts music: Cant del Barca

Season preview in one sentence (on 14 September): Five weeks in and already £89m on those three players appears a colossal blunder.

Given, S	STO	£0.5m
Collins, J	WHM	£2m
Yoshida, M	SOT	£0.5m
van Aanholt, P	SUN	£0.5m
Moreno, A	LIV	£0.5m
Fabregas, C	CHE	£21m
Blind, D	MUN	£0.5m
Johnson, B	DER	£2m
Navas, J	MCY	£0.5m
Kane, H	TOT	£28m
Sanchez, A	ARS	£40m
		£96m

First transfer window – Friday 2 October 2015

No changes.

Remaining budget: £16m

Second transfer window – Friday 5 February 2016

No changes.

Remaining budget: £16m

Lokomotiv Leeds 2015/16

All over my face: The Lokomotiv Leeds manager

Manager: Ben S (Leeds)

Twitter name: @BenCSilver

Since: 2011

Home ground: Belland Road

Training facility: The Train Shed

Trophy cabinet: empty

Kenna Index rating: 0.294 – 3rd
2011/12 – 2nd
2012/13 – 7th
2013/14 – 12th
2014/15 – 4th

Sympathies: Leeds

Darts music: Bicycle Race – Queen

Season preview in one sentence (on 13 September): Rosicky, Carroll, Phil Jones: one expects this is the last time the manager misses the auction.

Butland, J	STO	£6m
Ward, J	CRY	£4m
Francis, S	BOU	£1m
Nyom, A (TW1)	WAT	£0.5m
Simpson, D (TW2)	LEI	£?m
Khazri, W (TW2)	SUN	£?m
Doumbla, S (TW2)	NEW	£?m
Ward-Prowse, J	SOT	£0.5m
Dembele, M (TW2)	TOT	£?m
Niasse, O (TW2)	EVE	£?m
Paloschi, A (TW2)	SWA	£?m
		£?m

First transfer window – Friday 2 October 2015

In
Nyom, A – Watford defender – £0.5m
Morrison, J – West Brom midfielder – £8m
Dyer, N – Leicester midfielder – £0.5m
Heung-Min, S – Tottenham striker – £14m

Out
Fuchs, C – Leicester defender – free
Can, E – Liverpool midfielder – free
Rosicky, T – Arsenal midfielder – free
Remy, L – Chelsea striker – free

Remaining budget: £3m

Second transfer window – Friday 5 February 2016

In
Simpson, D – Leicester defender –
Khazri, W – Sunderland midfielder –
Doumbla, S – Newcastle midfielder –
Dembele, M – Tottenham midfielder –
Niasse, O – Everton striker –
Paloschi, A – Swansea striker –

Out
Jones, P – Manchester United defender – free
Morrison, J – West Brom midfielder – free
Dyer, N – Leicester midfielder – free
De Bruyne, K – Manchester City midfielder – free
Carroll, A – West Ham striker – free
Heung-Min, S – Tottenham striker – free

Remaining budget: £?m

Hairy Fadjeetas 2015/16

Manager: Aiden (Yorkshire)

Twitter name: @Br15land

Since: 2011

Home ground: Bikini Lane

Training facility: The Growler

Trophy cabinet: Empty

Kenna Index rating: 0.576 – 15th
2011/12 – 15th out of 19
2012/13 – 9/20
2013/14 – 13/23
2014/15 – 10/20

Sympathies: Sheffield Wednesday

Darts music: The Vag1na Song

Season preview in one sentence (on 7 September): Sterling aside, the manager’s auction looks to have gone as well as Karim Benzema’s move to London.

Guzan, B	AVL	£5m
Zouma, K (TW1)	CHE	£7m
Rangel, A	SWA	£0.5m
Coloccini, F	NEW	£3m
Lovren, D (TW1)	LIV	£0.5m
Mirallas, K	EVE	£8m
Chadli, N	TOT	£5m
Sterling, R	MCY	£19m
Hoolahan, W	NOR	£2m
Berahino, S	WBA	£18m
Vardy, J (TW1)	LEI	£31m
		£99m

First transfer window – Friday 2 October 2015

In -£38.5m
Zouma, K – Chelsea defender – £7m
Lovren, D – Liverpool defender – £0.5m
Vardy, J – Leicester striker – £31m

Out +£4m
Rojo, M – Manchester United defender – £4m (to Cowley Casuals)
Gibbs, K – Arsenal defender – free
Benzema, K – Real Madrid striker – free

Remaining budget: £7.5m

Second transfer window – Friday 5 February 2016

No changes.

Remaining budget: £7.5m

Bala-palava

THE Bala Rinas manager has been arrested on suspicion of sabotaging the David De Gea deal.

Wearing black balaclava, action jacket, combat trousers and toy night vision goggles, the Bala Rinas manager, who is also Kenna League treasurer, was stopped by security trying to sneak out of Fifa’s Zurich HQ with a pair of wire cutters.

Twenty minutes of interrogation and fondue in a Swiss police station were enough to break down the Bala manager, who admitted to subverting the deal in an attempt to keep the Spanish goalkeeper in with a chance of Kenna appearances.

The treasurer remains in cantonal police custody, where he was informed of his rights and his defender Jolean Lescott’s move from West Brom to Aston Villa.

The Walthamstow Reds boss was left light up top as a transfer failed to materialise for speculative auction signing Charlie Austin.

Reds must scrape through to the October window with just Bojan in attack, who is yet to enter the field of play this season. It’s unlikely the manager will recuperate the £13m paid for Austin. Or indeed the £2m for Bojan.

Elsewhere, Just Put Carles are now without the services of American midfielder Bradley Johnson.

The only winners this August were the Young Boys manager, whose canny snaffling of Pedro helped the side to second in the table, and the Dynamo Charlton manager who collects the campaign’s first Manager of the Month award.

Kenna table – week 4

Weekly scores

		Manager	Points	Goals
1	Bala Rinas	Lewis	47	2
2	FC Tescticuladew	James N	42	4
3	Young Boys	Andrew D	38	2
4	Dynamo Charlton	Alex	36	0
5	Thieving Magpies	Phil	35	2
6	Northern Monkeys	Hugo	35	0
7	Team Panda	George	29	0
8	Newington Reds	Ben D	27	0
9	Cowley Casuals	Stu	25	0
10	Pikey Scum	Jack	24	0
11	Headless Chickens	John N	24	0
12	Carles	Carles	23	0
13	ISIL	Abdi	19	0
14	Lokomotiv Leeds	Ben S	18	1
15	Judean People’s Front	Sholto	18	0
16	KS West Green	Stix	15	1
17	Uncertain	Pete B	13	0
18	Wandsworth Network Solutions	Will	11	1
19	Hairy Fadjeetas	Aiden	10	1

		Points	Player
	Player of the week	12	Sinclair, S – AVL – MID
		Club	*FC Tescticuladew*

Walthamstow Reds 2015/16

English food: The Walthamstow Reds manager

Manager: Dudley (Wolverhampton)

Twitter name: @dudleyben

Since: 2005 (co founder and committee member)

Home ground: The Old Dog Track

Training facility: Banbury Reservoir

Trophy cabinet: empty

Kenna Index rating: 0.4 – 5th
2005/06 – 2nd
2006/07 – 7th
2007/08 – 4th
2008/09 – 4th
2009/10 – 3rd
2010/11 – 11th
2011/12 – 3rd
2012/13 – 11th
2013/14 – 7th
2014/15 – 8th

Sympathies: Liverpool

Darts music: House of Love – East 17

Season preview in one sentence (on 31 August): This was a good team last term.

Schmeichel, K (TW1)	LEI	£0.5m
Targett, M (TW2)	SOT	£?m
Cresswell, A	WHM	£5m
Stones, J	EVE	£6m
Darmian, M	MUN	£7m
Coutinho, P	LIV	£23m
Brady, R (TW1)	NOR	£6m
Townsend, A (TW2)	NEW	£?m
Ozil, M	ARS	£17m
Walters, J (TW1)	STO	£0.5m
Defoe, J (TW2)	SUN	£?m
		£?m

First transfer window – Friday 2 October 2015

In
Schmeichel, K – Leicester goalkeeper – £0.5m (from Northern Monkeys)
Brady, R – Norwich midfielder – £6m
Montero, J – Swansea midfielder – £0.5m
Walters, J – Stoke striker – £0.5m
Murray, G – Bournemouth striker – £0.5m

Out
Courtois, T – Chelsea goalkeeper – £0.5m (to FC Testiculadew)
Anya, I – Watford midfielder – free
Nasri, S – Manchester City midfielder – free
Bojan – Stoke striker – £2m (to FC Testiculadew)
Austin, C – QPR striker – free

Remaining budget: £13.5m

Second transfer window – Friday 5 February 2016

In
Targett, M – Southampton defender – £?m
Townsend, A – Newcastle midfielder – £?m
Defoe, J – Sunderland striker – £?m

Out
Vertonghen, J – Tottenham defender – free
Montero, J – Swansea midfielder – free
Murray, G – Bournemouth striker – free

Remaining budget: £?m

Dynamo Charlton 2015/16

Manager: Alex (Surrey)

Twitter name: @alexbass75

Since: 2011

Home ground: The Dynamic Valley

Training facility: Stone Lake

Trophy cabinet: Olisadebe Euro 2012 winner

Kenna Index rating: 0.627 – 19th
2011/12 – 6th
2012/13 – 6th
2013/14 – 12th
2014/15 – 15th

Sympathies: Charlton Athletic

Darts music: The Gladiators TV theme

Season preview in one sentence (on 30 August): Strong start to the league season from the cup specialist, who yet again prepares for the October transfer window with the largest war chest.

Foster, B (TW2)	WBA	£?m
Fonte, J	SOT	£7m
Kolarov, A	MCY	£0.5m
Bellerin, H	ARS	£5m
Muniesa, M	STO	£0.5m
Shelvey, J	SWA	£0.5m
Ritchie, M	BOU	£1m
Zaha, W	CRY	£2m
Albrighton, M	LEI	£0.5m
Benteke, C	LIV	£37m
Martial, A (TW1)	MUN	£41m
		£?m

First transfer window – Friday 2 October 2015

In
Martial, A – Manchester United striker – £41m

Out
Defoe, J – Sunderland striker – free

Remaining budget: £10.5m

Second transfer window – Friday 5 February 2016

In
Foster, B – West Brom goalkeeper – £?m

Out
Krul, T – Newcastle goalkeeper – free

Remaining budget: £?m

Thieving Magpies 2015/16

England till he dies: Thieving Magpies manager

Manager: Phil (Wolverhampton)

Twitter name: @PhillyD55

Since: 2005 (co founder)

Home ground: Tinfoil Street

Training facility: The Wheelbarrow

Trophy cabinet: empty

Kenna Index rating: 0.519 – 11th
2005/06 – 3rd
2006/07 – 2nd
2007/08 – 11th
2008/09 – 5th
2009/10 – 11th
2010/11 – 7th
2011/12 – 18th (relegated)
2012/13 – 4th
2013/14 – 2nd
2014/15 – 14th

Sympathies: Notts County

Darts music: The Great Escape – the England Band

Season preview in one sentence (on 29 August): Is this enough to finally break his duck?

Hart, J	MCY	£ 10m
Lescott, J (TW2)	AVL	£ ?m
Johnson, G	STO	£ 7m
Clyne, N	LIV	£ 12m
Fuchs, C (TW2)	LEI	£ ?m
Bolasie, Y	CRY	£ 8m
Ox-Chamberlain, A	ARS	£ 10m
Noble, M (TW1)	WHU	£ 10m
Eriksen, C	TOT	£ 17m
Afobe, B (TW2)	BOU	£ ?m
Kone, A (TW1)	EVE	£ 0.5m
		£ ?m

First transfer window – Friday 2 October 2015

In
Naughton, K – Swansea defender – £0.5m
Noble, M – West Ham midfielder – £10m
Kone, A – Everton striker – £0.5m

Out
Baines, L – Everton defender – free
Fellaini, M – Manchester United midfielder – free
Wilson, C – Bournemouth striker – free

Remaining budget: £10.5m

Second transfer window – Friday 5 February 2016

In
Lescott, J – Aston Villa defender – £?m
Fuchs, C – Leicester defender – £?m
Afobe, B – Bournemouth striker – £?m

Out
Naughton, K – Swansea defender – free
Amavi, J – Aston Villa defender – free
Falcao, R – Chelsea striker – free

Remaining budget: £?m

Cowley Casuals 2015/16

Stu manager pic — Buckets of potential: The Cowley Casuals manager

Manager: Stu (Wolverhampton)

Twitter name: @sfinch100

Since: 2012

Home ground: Ground Zero Hours

Training facility: The Agency

Trophy cabinet: Canesten Combi Cup winners 2014/15

Kenna Index rating: N/A (managers must compete for three seasons to get a rating)
2013/14 – 17th
2014/15 – 2nd

Sympathies: Wolves

Darts music: Menergy – Patrick Cowley

Season preview in one sentence (on 27 August): Last year’s league runner up and cup winner looks to have auctioned well, with four wing backs, a strong midfield and an in-touch Cech, but despite a strike-force from the region formerly known as the ‘Dark Continent’, the side looks light up top.

Cech, P	ARS	£ 0.5m
Terry, J (TW1)	CHE	£ 0.5m
Jenkinson, C	WHM	£ 4m
Davies, B	TOT	£ 0.5m
Rojo, M (TW1)	MUN	£ 4m
Henderson, J	LIV	£ 17m
Shaqiri, X (TW1)	STO	£ 14m
Mane, S	SOT	£ 17m
Redmond, N	NOR	£ 0.5m
Rondon, S (TW1)	WBA	£ 18m
Gestede, R	AVL	£ 0.5m
		£ 76.5m

First transfer window – Friday 2 October 2015

In
Terry, J – Chelsea defender – £0.5m (from Young Boys)
Rojo, M – Manchester United defender – £4m (from Hairy Fadjeetas)
Shaqiri, X – Stoke midfielder – £14m
Rondon, S – West Brom striker – £18m

Out
Shaw, L – Manchester United defender – free
Mings, T – Bournemouth defender – free
Deulofeu, G – Everton midfielder – free
Bony, W – Manchester City striker – free

Remaining budget: £7m

Second transfer window – Friday 5 February 2016

No changes.

Remaining budget: £7m

Young Boys of Vauxhall 2015/16

Manager: Denney (Wales)

Twitter name: @andenney

Since: 2007

Home ground: Yewtree Lane

Training facility: Fiddler’s Harris

Trophy cabinet: Champions 2010/11, Canesten Combi Cup winners 2008/09

Kenna Index rating: 0.3 – 4th
2007/08 – 5th
2008/09 – 3rd
2009/10 – 2nd
2010/11 – 1st
2011/12 – 4th
2013/14 – 16th
2014/15 – 6th

Sympathies: Spurs

Darts music: We Don’t Talk Anymore – Sir Cliff Richard

Season preview in one sentence (on 26 August): Pedro, Mahrez, Lukaku and Lens have all started the season in fine fettle, but question marks hang over John Terry and Diafra Sakho for all the wrong reasons.

Forster, F (TW2)	SOT	£ ?m
Dawson, C (TW1)	WBA	£ 8m
Monreal, N	ARS	£ 0.5m
Wimmer, K (TW2)	TOT	£ ?m
Smalling, C	MUN	£ 6m
Ibe, J (TW2)	LIV	£ ?m
Pugh, M (TW2)	BOU	£ ?m
Mahrez, R	LEI	£ 5m
Lens, J	SUN	£ 0.5m
Lukaku, R	EVE	£ 30m
Emenike, E (TW2)	WHM	£ ?m
		£ ?m

First transfer window – Friday 2 October 2015

In
Dawson, C – West Brom defender – £8m

Out
Terry, J – Chelsea defender – £0.5m (to Cowley Casuals)

Remaining budget: £3.5m

Second transfer window – Friday 5 February 2016

In
Forster, F – Southampton goalkeeper – £?m
Wimmer, K – Tottenham defender – £?m
Ibe, J – Liverpool midfielder – £?m
Pugh, M – Bournemouth midfielder – £?m
Emenike, E – West Ham striker – £?m

Out
Stekelenburg, M – Southampton goalkeeper – free
Zabaleta, P – Manchester City defender – free
Grealish, J – Aston Villa midfielder – free
Pedro – Chelsea midfielder – free
Sakho, D – West Ham striker – free

Remaining budget: £?m

No way, Pedro!

GLOATING was inevitable.

Having signed Pedro while rumours of his move to England hovered over the auction, the Young Boys manager was thrilled to see the Spanish forward pick up a goal and assist in his first game.

“And Pedro scores…” he tweeted above the din of the chairman cursing his decision to sign Wesley Sneijder a few years ago when everyone had said it was a done deal.

It’s the first time since the Sneijder incident a Kenna manager has seen such instant success buying a player hors d’oeuvre. But second place in the Kenna after three weeks masks concerns at Young Boys.

Many believed that with Pedro on the pitch, defender John Terry got himself sent off in deference to the Titus Bramble ruling. It turns out the former England captain had other motives.

A few minutes after seeing red, Terry appeared in the Young Boys wags section of the stand and asked Pedro’s wife if he could park ‘ [my] open-top bus up [your] King’s Road’.

Eager to extinguish murmurs this was some sort of club initiation for players’ wives, the Young Boys manager held an informal inquiry into the matter, calling forward those connected with the club to give evidence.

The plan backfired when striker Diafra Sakho was found to be intimidating witnesses.

Kenna table – week three

Kenna table - week 3 - 25 August 2015 — Kenna table – week 3 – 25 August 2015

Weekly scores

		Manager	Points	Goals
1	Dynamo Charlton	Alex	52	2
2	Young Boys	Andrew D	50	2
3	Thieving Magpies	Phil	36	3
4	Team Panda	George	32	1
5	Newington Reds	Ben D	28	1
6	Carles	Carles	28	0
7	Headless Chickens	John N	26	1
8	KS West Green	Stix	25	1
9	Judean People’s Front	Sholto	25	1
10	Cowley Casuals	Stu	25	0
11	Northern Monkeys	Hugo	23	0
12	Bala Rinas	Lewis	20	0
13	Hairy Fadjeetas	Aiden	20	0
14	Uncertain	Pete B	16	0
15	Pikey Scum	Jack	14	1
16	FC Tescticuladew	James N	14	0
17	ISIL	Abdi	10	0
18	Lokomotiv Leeds	Ben S	8	0
19	Wandsworth Network Solutions	Will	8	0

		Points	Player
	Player of the week	17	Wilson, C – BOU – STR
		Club	*Thieving Magpies*