premier league – Page 45 – The Jeff Kenna League

Dynamo dealt Walcott injury blow

Theo Walcott on holiday — On the beach: Dynamo Charlton’s Theo Walcott looks set to miss the rest of the season and the World Cup (photo courtesy of Oliver Sparrow)

DYNAMO Charlton look set for a third season of trophyless woe after star midfielder Theo Walcott was ruled out with injury for six months.

Walcott scored in the weekend’s Canesten Combi Cup group stage before being stretchered off with an ‘anterior cruciate ligament of his left knee’, according to club quacks.

The Dynamo Charlton manager took to Twitter yesterday to vent his frustrations. He can only look forward to next month’s Kenna transfer window to freshen up the side, although his decision to sign Scott Sinclair and Peter Odemwingie in the October window has become the cause of some unrest among fans.

The lone Walcott goal wasn’t enough for Dynamo as they lost by two to in-form St Reatham FC, Gaston Ramirez and Mohamed Diame finding the net.

@jeffkennaleague @abdinw1 That’s my one man team decimated.

— Alex Bass (@alexbass75) January 6, 2014

Seven sides qualified for the knockout stages of the Canesten Combi Cup with a game to go.

Mathematically, every team can still progress in the tournament except Pikey Scum, whose single point saves them from the total ignominy suffered by Bala Rinas 12 months ago.

Outside the club’s Caravan Park training facility, a downcast Pikey Scum manager said yesterday: “One point from four games is shameful. I think the most I can hope for is sneaking a Manager of the Month award and getting reduced entry to the World Cup. I think even that is hopeful.”

Piedmonte, who have to beat PSV Mornington by at least eight goals in the last game to go through, are likely to follow Pikey Scum out of the cup.

It’s been a tough week for the Piedmonte manager. Having topped the table before Christmas, the club slipped to fourth place in the league. Can he stem the decline?

Canesten Combi Cup – group stage standings

Cup groups - 7 January 2014 — Cup groups – 7 January 2014

Cup fixtures

21-Jan-14	Team Panda Rules OK	v	Dulwich Red Sox
21-Jan-14	Still Don’t Know Yet	v	Judean Peoples Front
21-Jan-14	KS West Green	v	This is Sparta…Prague
21-Jan-14	Just put Carles	v	Dynamo Charlton
21-Jan-14	Pikey Scum	v	Rapids De Cullons CF
21-Jan-14	FC Testiculadew	v	St. Reatham FC
21-Jan-14	Spartak Mogadishu	v	Newington Reds
21-Jan-14	Northern Monkeys	v	Young Boys
21-Jan-14	Headless Chickens	v	Sporting Lesbian
21-Jan-14	PSV Mornington	v	Piedmonte
21-Jan-14	Bala Rinas	v	Hairy Fadjeetas

Kenna table

Kenna week 18 - 7 January 2014 — Kenna week 18 – 7 January 2014

Weekly scores

		Manager	Points	Goals
1	Judean Peoples Front	Sholto	58	5
2	Lokomotiv Leeds	Ben S	55	5
3	Headless Chickens	John N	55	3
4	Bala Rinas	Lewis	55	2
5	Dulwich Red Sox	Luke	53	3
6	Spartak Mogadishu	Abdi	52	4
7	Hairy Fadjeetas	Aiden	49	1
8	St. Reatham FC	Mike	47	1
9	Sporting Lesbian	Ben M	45	2
10	Rapids De Cullons CF	Jorge	41	2
11	This is Sparta…Prague	Rich	41	2
12	Still Don’t Know Yet	Pete	35	1
13	Newington Reds	Dudley	35	0
14	Pikey Scum	Jack	33	1
15	Northern Monkeys	Hugo	31	0
16	Dynamo Charlton	Alex	30	2
17	KS West Green	Stix	28	1
18	PSV Mornington	El Pons	27	2
19	Just put Carles	Carles	27	1
20	FC Testiculadew	James N	26	0
21	Young Boys	Denney	25	0
22	Team Panda Rules OK	George	23	2
23	Piedmonte	Phil	21	1

		Points	Player
	Player of the week	19	Bony, W – SWA – STR
		Club	Lokomotiv Leeds

The Kenna 2013 end of year awards

Tactical Brambling’s the FC Testiculadew manager was beaten to the Kenna’s biggest nemesis in 2013 award. But by who?

The next 24 hours will see New Year celebrations from everyone in the world, except perhaps the Schumachers.

Therefore – as Hairy Fadjeetas become the fourth team this season to sit on top of the table – it’s time to look back on the last 12 months in the Kenna to recognise the best, worst, biggest, most inappropriate and most mediocre of the world’s leading London pub-based fantasy football competition.

“What a year it’s been,” said the chairman, more focused on visiting the Polish mountain town of Żywiec today.

Best newcomer – the Sporting Lesbian manager

Michu, Luis Suarez and Sergio Aguero allowed the debut manager to cruise to victory in May…

Performance of the year – Spartak Mogadishu

…but Sporting Lesbian’s domineering league success was not enough to overshadow the previous season’s record set by FC Testiculadew. It was the Pirates’ 7-1 walloping of Just Put Carles in the Canesten Combi Cup final – including hat tricks from Kevin Nolan and Romeleu Lukaku – that was the stand out effort.

Worst performance of the year – the PSV Mornington manager

The opportunity to rectify a dire situation at October’s transfer window was shunned, and the Catalan was out on his ear by Christmas, setting the record for the worst ever start to a campaign and the earliest ever Kenna sacking.

The Wally with the Brolly award for most hapless tournament campaign – Bala Rinas

Despite worrying the top three places this term, success comes rarely to the league treasurer. Never was this is in so much evidence as January when yet another disastrous trophy attempt came to a sorry end. Played four, lost four is the worst Canesten Combi Cup group stage performance ever. And he had Gareth Bale.

Captain Mainwaring leadership award – the Still Don’t Know Yet manager

Many will claim his task of whipping a bunch of misfits into into some sort of shape should sew this one up for the Kenna League chairman. But when questioned in February on his decision not to release absentees Drusille Ngako and Anton Ferndinand ahead of the transfer window, the Still Don’t Know Yet manager came out with this corker: “Do you think Napoleon focused on every individual soldier? No, he was looking at the big picture, and so am I.”

Biggest dilemma ahead of a transfer window award – Juan Mata or Demba Ba?

How the outcast PSV Mornington manager must have wished for this doozy in the recent October window? Back in January his side were flying high, but Demba Ba’s move to London meant he either had to jettison the goal hungry Senagalese or the mercurial Juan Mata. His decision to keep Mata was vindicated when the Spaniard went onto be widely lauded as the player of last season, while Ba lost his way. All three of them must look back fondly from their current slumps.

The Dr Evil award for the Kenna’s biggest nemesis – the Catholic Church

Despite his obvious talents at administrating a group of men whose names should be on some sort of police register, the chairman was cruelly overlooked by the Vatican when the big job came up in February. To add insult to injury the chairman was again thwarted by those fools in Rome in October when the farcical timing of his even more farcical marriage lessons meant the transfer window schedule had to rearranged.

The Kevin Keegan ‘I would LOVE it’ award for coping with April pressure – the Woking manager

Natalie Sawyer, Chobham Common, a socket wrench and a Genesis classic. Cue darkness.

The Jack Wilshere xenophobe award – Mo Farrah’s pirate accent

Not even Jack’s misplaced comments on English nationality could overshadow the heinous crime of cack handedly bringing the UK’s favourite Somali immigrant into the ongoing Spartak Mogadishu pirate gags.

The Amsterdam red light district award for most false promise in the window – Jason Puncheon

Despite his unpredictable bowl movements, Jason Puncheon’s run of form leading up to the February transfer window attracted a sizeable fee. His average performances for the rest of season were not enough to help Vasco De Beauvoir avoid the drop.

The Notorious BIG Life After Death award for best post-Kenna career – the former manager of The Dan Terry Seduction

From boardroom dressing downs to unsuccessfully slipping a roofy to a young, female journalist, The Dan Terry Seduction’s former boss had all the qualities of a Kenna manager off the pitch. When inevitable relegation and P45 collection came, he picked himself up, dusted himself off and turned his particular talents to terrorising a middle England golf club. Rumour has it he still parks in the club pro’s reserved space.

The Men from the Ministry Bureaucratic Balls Up award – Kenna HQ

Just Put Carles may have been trounced in the Canesten Combi Cup final, but it’s remarkable they even made it past the quarter finals. Initially Sporting Lesbian had been announced as victors of the tie, but inaccuracies were spotted and a few days later Kenna HQ revised the outcome. Where was the chairman during this state of emergency? Allegedly dicking around in Warsaw at the former Gestapo HQ. The champions league first goal scorer sweepstake, which no one won because Mario Mandzukic wasn’t in the hat, comes a close second.

Best night out – August auction

The Two Chairmen in Trafalgar Square followed by a casino visit at the February window and the nine-hour session in the Pakenham Arms at the end of season awards in May were both eclipsed by August’s marathon event. Eight hours of bidding for players in the upstairs bar The Roebuck, followed by another six surrounded by intrepid young Spanish women on a disco boat moored at Temple Pier, left many managers reeling for several days.

The Operation Yewtree award for best youth set up – the Young Boys manager

Rolf Harris locked in a Vauxhall flat with 10 Young Boys.

Kenna table

Weekly scores

		Manager	Points	Goals
1	Hairy Fadjeetas	Aiden	61	4
2	Newington Reds	Dudley	58	3
3	Judean Peoples Front	Sholto	57	3
4	Northern Monkeys	Hugo	52	2
5	This is Sparta…Prague	Rich	49	2
6	Team Panda Rules OK	George	47	3
7	Sporting Lesbian	Ben M	46	3
8	St. Reatham FC	Mike	44	3
9	Spartak Mogadishu	Abdi	42	2
10	Bala Rinas	Lewis	42	1
11	FC Testiculadew	James N	42	1
12	Young Boys	Denney	41	2
13	Pikey Scum	Jack	40	2
14	Headless Chickens	John N	40	1
15	Still Don’t Know Yet	Pete	40	1
16	Rapids De Cullons CF	Jorge	39	1
17	Dulwich Red Sox	Luke	38	2
18	Dynamo Charlton	Alex	33	2
19	KS West Green	Stix	33	0
20	Just put Carles	Carles	29	2
21	Piedmonte	Phil	28	0
22	Lokomotiv Leeds	Ben S	24	1
23	PSV Mornington	El Pons	17	0

		Points	Player
	Player of the week	20	Walcott, T – ARS – MID
		Club	*Dynamo Charlton*

The Kenna 2013 end of year review

Andorra — Fail from the chair: The fifth most popular Kenna post of 2013

NEXT Wednesday marks the eighth full calendar year of the Kenna League.

As Christmas turns from work parties to family meals to the creeping burn of stomach acid, it’s time to look back on the last 12 months in the Kenna – the world’s leading London-pub based fantasy football competition.

It’s also time to reveal the top five most popular posts of 2013 on the Kenna site.

“It’s been a roller coaster year,” cliched the chairman, too full of his future mother-in-law’s cabbage surprise to care any more.

The year in a nutshell

Bramble jersey handover 1Feb13 anon — February: Bramble Jersey handed over

Sporting Lesbian brought in the New Year with a 36-point lead over defending champions FC Testiculadew, and maintained a healthy buffer until lifting the league title on debut five months later.

The Woking manager faced serious questions from authorities at the February transfer window, held in the upstairs bar of The Two Chairmen in Trafalgar Square. The league leadership is still adamant that after a trip to the casino following the window, he did not fall asleep on the night bus and wake up miles from Kenna HQ in Enfield.

Somali pirate Lego — May: Pirates 7-1 Catalans

In April, some managers were seen on the banks of the River Thames lamenting their failure to capture league form on the first of three Kenna-organised London pub crawls in 2013. As Sporting took the league a month later, the Spartak Mogadishu manager celebrated his team’s first ever Kenna silverware when his side walloped Just Put Carles 7-1 in the Canesten Combi Cup final.

May’s end of season awards bash at the Pakenham Arms in Bloomsbury was the prelude of an international tournament free summer when the chairman had nothing better to do than bother a top European football ground in Lisbon and announce himself as statistically the best manager ever to compete in the Kenna.

In August, 23 managers convened for a record-breaking auction event at The Roebuck in Borough that saw a clutch of them hitting Club Duvet way past dawn to found The 7.08 Club.

While February’s transfer window enjoyed record attendance, October’s was a reminder of the disappointing turnouts of the late noughties. Just eight were seated around the table in the upstairs room of The Three Stags in Lambeth, and it led to calls for a managerial cull and unsavoury reprisals.

Soon after the October window closed and the heavy cogs of the Canesten Combi Cup group stage ground into action, early-season pretenders Headless Chickens lost their place at the top of the table to perennial underachiever the Piedmonte manager.

There was still time for two more pub crawls – one at the start of November, and one at the end – before the PSV Mornington manager became the first ever Kenna manager to get the sack by Christmas when the club’s board lost patience with the poorest start to a season ever recorded.

Much to universal astonishment, AVB joined the Kenna just before Christmas.

The Kenna blog’s top five posts in 2013 (that weren’t about pub crawls)

A playful slime treatment — Not for footballing reasons: The most popular post of 2013

Lezzers lose libido late on – It’s highly likely that not everyone looking for this page expected to find details of Sporting Lesbian’s wobble towards the end of the 2012/13 season.
In too deep – The Woking manager’s brutal murder of an attractive Sky Sports News anchor to the music of Genesis was a firm favourite all around.
A Tale of Two Cissés – Kenna revisit of the Charles Dickens classic to compare the fates of Papiss and Djibrial after joining the league in February.
No Sporting chance – Difficult to see why news of an administrative debacle over which team really progressed from a cup semi final was so popular, unless the accompanying photo is taken into account.
What a bunch of can’ts – The chairman’s failed attempt at skiing captured on camera was an instant hit.

AVB accepts Kenna role

Rapids manager and AVB — Cup specialist: Rapids de Cullons CF unveiled Andre Villas-Boas as their new assistant coach this morning.

ANDRÉ Villas-Boas is to take up a post in the Kenna League as assistant manager at Rapids de Cullons CF.

The Portuguese, who many were surprised to see sacked by Tottenham last week, was snapped up by Rapids de Cullons primarily to help in their bid for the Canesten Combi Cup, the Kenna’s knockout tournament.

“We’re delighted to get André on board to lend his expertise in pursuit of our first piece of Kenna silverware,” said the Rapids manager at a press conference that appears to have been held on public transport.

Despite leading Porto to Europa League glory and leaving Spurs with a 100 per cent record in that competition this season, Villas-Boas was forced to dismiss concerns he will find it difficult to step up to the additional pressure of the Kenna.

“This is definitely the best Christmas ever,” began the former Tottenham boss, who forfeits a considerable payout from Spurs for accepting a new role so soon.

“Managing dressing room egos and boardroom expectations to date pale into insignificance compared to the Kenna. Standing in a London pub while drinking several pints of premium lager on an empty stomach as you buy players without Brambling yourself is the biggest ask of my life.

“It’s a real badge of honour for foreign managers to adapt to this nuance of British life. On the Continent we always sit down in bars and drink halves of shandy. Very slowly.”

A London nightlife veteran, the Rapids manager was quick to point out that as assistant coach AVB would not making any transfer decisions until the end of a probation period. The Catalan confirmed that for now his new recruit’s brief at the February Kenna transfer window would be restricted to buying the beers, crashing the chairman cigarettes and, when the last orders bell sounds, encouraging managers to move on to the Rapids manager’s boat bar on the River Thames.

The Catalan manager failed to make an impact in his only other season in the Kenna League, finishing mid table at the helm of Atletico Temple, but he did manage to reach the latter stages of the Canesten Combi Cup. The team lie second in group B with two games to go.

The latest Kenna table will be published as soon as the chairman tracks down the chaps from charts and graphs.

PSV Mornington sack manager

PSV MORNINGTON sacked their manager last night, citing poor performances and a lack of commitment as reasons.

A week before Christmas the north London club is pinned to the bottom of the table with the lowest points tally of any team at this stage of the season since the Kenna was founded in 2005.

Question marks hang over the manager’s dedication to PSV Mornington after another dismal display on the weekend. Rather than focus on improving team discipline, he was spotted partying into the early hours at the Dolphin in Hackney.

Failure to attend the transfer window in October, for which the manager allegedly suffered psychological torture at the hands of Clint Dempsey in retribution, is also thought to be a critical factor in the Catalan’s dismissal.

A club statement issued this morning read: “We could say PSV and the manager reached a mutual agreement and we wish him all the best with his future career, but we’d be lying. He was an absolute disaster.

“Since his appointment three seasons ago he’s never finished higher than 10th in the table, and we should’ve cut him loose in December 2010 when we found the club in exactly the same situation. We wouldn’t wish his services on any club. Or his bar bill.”

The Catalan manager has struggled to make an impact from the campaign’s outset.

He was widely criticised by everyone associated with PSV after the summer auction for buying players well known to injury and indifferent form.

The comical strike partnership of Andy Carroll and Fernando Torres has come to be symbolic of his tenure’s steady demise. Charles N’Zogbia the kiss of death.

Leaving the club car park late last night with a handful of personal effects which only appeared to be a tub of arroz con leche, the manager declined to be interviewed. His relationship with the media broke down in April last year after a bitter war of words with a rival Catalan manager.

The club denied rumours the dismissal paves way for newly-unemployed André Villas-Boas to take the helm.

Until the position is filled permanently, PSV Mornington will be managed by the club’s assistant coach – a life-sized cardboard cutout of Pep Guardiola.

Worst Christmas ever

The outgoing PSV Mornington manager has beaten his own record for the least points scored by the week before Christmas. Only once in history has the last-placed Kenna manager finished outside the relegation zone.

17 December 2013: PSV Mornington – 194 points

14 December 2010: PSV Mornington – 246 points, finished 17th (last, relegated)

16 December 2009: Fat Ladies – 268 points, finished 12th (last, relegated)

13 December 2011: The Dan Terry Seduction – 284 points, finished 17th (relegated)

19 December 2007: Dynamo Temple – 304 points, finished 10th (out of 12)

18 December 2012: Vasco De Beauvoir – 307 points, finished 18th (relegated)

13 December 2006: Vazmanian Devils – 317 points, finished 9th (last, relegated)

17 December 2008: FC Gun Show – 318 points, finished 12th (last, relegated)

14 December 2005: Stockwell Stockwell – 343 points, finished 8th (last, relegated)

Kenna table

Weekly scores

		Manager	Points	Goals
1	This is Sparta…Prague	Rich	48	4
2	Just put Carles	Carles	40	3
3	KS West Green	Stix	39	3
4	Sporting Lesbian	Ben M	38	2
5	FC Testiculadew	James N	37	1
6	Hairy Fadjeetas	Aiden	35	1
7	Team Panda Rules OK	George	31	0
8	Dulwich Red Sox	Luke	28	2
9	Piedmonte	Phil	28	0
10	Spartak Mogadishu	Abdi	27	1
11	Rapids De Cullons CF	Jorge	24	1
12	Dynamo Charlton	Alex	23	2
13	Judean Peoples Front	Sholto	21	1
14	Bala Rinas	Lewis	21	0
15	Newington Reds	Dudley	19	1
16	Northern Monkeys	Hugo	18	2
17	Lokomotiv Leeds	Ben S	17	0
18	Young Boys	Denney	16	0
19	Headless Chickens	John N	13	1
20	PSV Mornington	El Pons	13	1
21	St. Reatham FC	Mike	13	1
22	Pikey Scum	Jack	11	0
23	Still Don’t Know Yet	Pete	6	0

		Points	Player
	Player of the week	21	Suarez, L – LIV – STR
		Club	This is Sparta…Prague

The Case of the Missing Eight Games

Goldeneye archives — Explosive: Luis Suarez has earned a place in the archives

DEEP in the bowls of Kenna HQ lies a vast underground record of all the notable, notorious and mediocre football management achievements in the league.

Chronicled for posterity in those dark annals are such guilded histories as FC Testiculadew’s Kenna in the bag season, the time Fat Ladies ended the most dismal of campaigns more than 200 points adrift and perhaps most importantly of all the 2009/10 Judean Peoples’ Front side becoming the most average team ever to compete in the league.

Whispers in the corridors and smoking areas of Kenna HQ maintain that hidden in these depths, amongst dusty artefacts like the March 2007 third transfer window and the mysterious soundproofed door to which only the chairman has the key, is a list of the highest individual weekly scores written in virgin’s blood on a beermat preserved from the first ever auction.

Statisticians are praying this sacred parchment is found soon, as Luis Suarez is believed to have had the best ever seven days in the Kenna.

The Uruguayan’s manager at This is Sparta…Prague is so delighted with the striker’s five goals and four assists he’s had T-shirts made bearing the slogan ‘He’ll miss the first eight games though’.

The jibe is a reference to a popular remark made by Kenna managers at August’s pre-season auction dismissing the player as a poor investment, and which allowed the Sparta manager to cheerfully pick Luis up for just £0.5m.

Suarez’ exploits now see him overtaking £38m KS West Green striker Sergio Aguero as the top performing player in the league. The Still Don’t Know Yet manager can only rue his decision to make Robin van Persie the most expensive Kenna player ever. The glass Dutchman does not warrant his £46m price tag.

Unfortunately for Sparta, the unprecedented individual display of Suarez was only enough to lift them one place in the relegation zone.

At the business end of the league, two goals from Yaya Toure were not enough to stop Headless Chickens relinquishing their nine-week spell at the top of the table to Piedmonte.

Canesten Combi Cup results

Cup results - 10 December 2013 — Canesten Combi Cup results – 10 December 2013

Kenna table

Weekly scores

		Manager	Points	Goals
1	FC Testiculadew	James N	69	4
2	KS West Green	Stix	63	4
3	Newington Reds	Dudley	60	4
4	Piedmonte	Phil	60	0
5	This is Sparta…Prague	Rich	55	5
6	Hairy Fadjeetas	Aiden	55	2
7	Lokomotiv Leeds	Ben S	54	2
8	Team Panda Rules OK	George	50	2
9	Still Don’t Know Yet	Pete	47	2
10	Bala Rinas	Lewis	42	2
11	Sporting Lesbian	Ben M	41	0
12	St. Reatham FC	Mike	35	2
13	Pikey Scum	Jack	34	0
14	Headless Chickens	John N	32	2
15	Judean Peoples Front	Sholto	32	2
16	Just put Carles	Carles	32	0
17	Dynamo Charlton	Alex	31	1
18	Northern Monkeys	Hugo	31	0
19	Rapids De Cullons CF	Jorge	31	0
20	Young Boys	Denney	31	0
21	Spartak Mogadishu	Abdi	29	0
22	Dulwich Red Sox	Luke	28	1
23	PSV Mornington	El Pons	27	1

		Points	Player
	Player of the week	38	Suarez, L – LIV – STR
		Club	This is Sparta…Prague

Rearranging deckchairs on the Titanic

Stalin bidding — Red mist: Afterwards the mood changed dramatically when he realised the player he’d just bought was out injured for the rest of the season

IT HAS never been remarked upon that any team won a top-level football league because they ‘transfer windowed well’.

In the brief hiatus between the end of the season in May and the start of the World Cup in June, whoever the winners are will be noted for their long-term strategy, the conviction instilled into the team by the manager and most of all their luck.

They may have signed a useful player in January who immediately gels with his teammates, but that will only be a footnote in the side’s chronicle of success.

The Kenna League takes pride in reflecting this particular nuance of modern football. In every Kenna season to date, the winning manager’s preparations in the summer, his approach to the auction, the core of team purchased therein and good fortune, has decided the campaign.

That’s not to say that transfer windows are obsolete, despite the Pikey Scum manager’s claim today that his Senderos/Jenkinson swap in the last window was like ‘rearranging the deckchairs the Titanic’. To remain competitive Kenna managers must ensure their peripheral players are making appearances – it’s little surprise that three of the bottom four managers didn’t attend the October window.

Transfer windows are as integral to the Kenna League manager as they are to the Premier League manager, but for the most part of the season they must both rely on the finite resources at their disposal.

Which is why other, much less exclusive fantasy football competitions have got it wrong.

If any manager wants to remind himself of the superiority of the Kenna all he needs to do is enter the ‘official’ Fantasy Premier League.

At this point it would easy to list the many faults of this contest, that everyone ends up with pretty much the same players in their team, the ridiculousness of picking a captain and vice captain each week, the folly and oversight of not giving prominence to manager darts entrance music, but the argument will be kept to one strain – transfers.

The season is one long transfer window. The manager is essentially picking his team from one squad of every player in the Premier League. No player is off limits. How does that mirror the game?

Of course, the banner advertising on each page hints at why the FPL wants ‘managers’ to keeping checking back on their selections for the upcoming week. The Kenna suffers from no such obstacle to improving manager experience, as the trifling amount of visits to these pages testify.

But satisfying sponsors at the expense of sophistication is nothing compared to FPL’s single biggest foible.

The crucial period of the FPL manager’s week is time between Friday morning and Saturday lunchtime, between squads being announced for the weekend’s fixtures and the cut off point for making changes to your team.

So why does the chairman kick himself every week five minutes into the Saturday early game on the Kenna HQ kitchen radio? Because for any self-respecting Kenna manager this 36-hour ‘transfer window’ is dedicated to planning, executing and recovering from a Friday evening’s entertainment after the working week.

Almost exactly a third of the way through the season it’s a welcome reminder of why the Kenna was founded, and why the preferred time for the next Kenna transfer window is a Friday night.

It’s also the best way to explain why the chairman is bottom of every FPL league he’s entered.

Canesten Combi Cup – group stage standings after two match weeks

Week 2 cup standings - 26 November 2013 — Week 2 cup standings – 26 November 2013

Kenna table

Weekly scores

		Manager	Points	Goals
1	Dynamo Charlton	Alex	37	2
2	KS West Green	Stix	37	2
3	Pikey Scum	Jack	31	1
4	Young Boys	Denney	30	2
5	Newington Reds	Dudley	30	1
6	Team Panda Rules OK	George	28	3
7	Hairy Fadjeetas	Aiden	28	1
8	Bala Rinas	Lewis	26	2
9	This is Sparta…Prague	Rich	26	3
10	Dulwich Red Sox	Luke	20	1
11	Rapids De Cullons CF	Jorge	20	1
12	Lokomotiv Leeds	Ben S	19	0
13	Northern Monkeys	Hugo	19	0
14	FC Testiculadew	James N	18	2
15	St. Reatham FC	Mike	17	1
16	Just put Carles	Carles	16	0
17	Headless Chickens	John N	15	0
18	Judean Peoples Front	Sholto	15	0
19	Piedmonte	Phil	15	0
20	PSV Mornington	El Pons	13	1
21	Sporting Lesbian	Ben M	13	1
22	Still Don’t Know Yet	Pete	13	1
23	Spartak Mogadishu	Abdi	7	0

		Points	Player
	Player of the week	15	Lampard, F – CHE – MID
		Club	Dynamo Charlton

Kenna team of the season so far

HUGO Lloris may still be struggling to remember his daughter’s name and feeding his cat drawing pins after Sunday’s knock to the head, but the clean sheet means he’s made it into the Kenna team of the season so far.

Unusually for a Frenchman, the FC Testiculadew goalkeeper represents one of the best value for money of the eleven over performers, scoring 45 points for his £500k auction price tag.

Yaya Toure is the most cost-effective purchase with 57 points for his £500k. Alongside Leighton Baines, the Ivorian midfielder is one of two players featuring for league leaders Headless Chickens.

Defenders Dejan Lovren (Team Panda Rules OK) and Winston Reid (Dulwich Red Sox) are the season’s surprise packages, notching up a combined 94 points for £17m.

Like Reid, St Reatham FC‘s Kyle Walker also scored 44 points but missed out on selection due to his larger £17m signing fee.

Sergio Aguero (KS West Green) is so far repaying his manager’s £39m with 73 points. The player of the week is also the league’s top scorer.

Kenna team of the season so far
Points: 551
Value: £170m

Goalkeeper
Hugo Lloris (£0.5m) – FC Testiculadew – 45

Defenders
Dejan Lovren (£8.5m) – Team Panda Rules OK – 50
Leighton Baines (£17m) – Headless Chickens – 49
Jan Vertonghen (£7m) – Northern Monkeys – 45
Winston Reid (£8.5m) – Dulwich Red Sox – 44

Midfielders
Yaya Toure (£0.5m) – Headless Chickens – 57
Samir Nasri (£11m) – Piedmonte – 46
Eden Hazard (£34m) – Hairy Fadjeetas – 42
Oscar (£24m) – Dulwich Red Sox – 40

Strikers
Sergio Aguero (£39m) – KS West Green – 73
Olivier Giroud (£20m) – Team Panda Rules OK – 60

Canesten Combi Cup group stage – round one

Cup group stage one - 5 November 2013 — Cup group stage one – 5 November 2013

League table

Wk 10 - 5 November 2013 — Week 10 of 37 – 5 November 2013

Weekly scores

		Manager	Points	Goals
1	Hairy Fadjeetas	Aiden	39	3
2	Still Don’t Know Yet	Pete	38	1
3	Headless Chickens	John N	36	2
4	KS West Green	Stix	32	1
5	FC Testiculadew	James N	31	1
6	Northern Monkeys	Hugo	30	2
7	Piedmonte	Phil	30	0
8	Rapids De Cullons CF	Jorge	28	2
9	Judean Peoples Front	Sholto	28	1
10	Spartak Mogadishu	Abdi	27	0
11	St. Reatham FC	Mike	26	1
12	Just put Carles	Carles	25	1
13	Team Panda Rules OK	George	25	1
14	Dulwich Red Sox	Luke	24	0
15	Young Boys	Denney	24	0
16	Newington Reds	Dudley	23	1
17	Dynamo Charlton	Alex	21	0
18	Pikey Scum	Jack	17	0
19	Sporting Lesbian	Ben M	16	0
20	Lokomotiv Leeds	Ben S	15	0
21	This is Sparta…Prague	Rich	15	0
22	Bala Rinas	Lewis	14	0
23	PSV Mornington	El Pons	10	1

		Points	Player
	Player of the week	16	Aguero, S – MCY – STR
		Club	KS West Green

Spartak Mog? Mo chance

Mo Farah Arsenal — Slim: Mo Farah has dismissed the chances of rival London Somali immigrant the Spartak Mogadishu manager retaining the cup (photo courtesy of Sean Hinks)

MO FARAH has launched a scathing attack on Spartak Mogadihu’s chances of defending their title in the Kenna cup contest.

The double Olympic gold winning athlete instantly became the second most successful Somali immigrant in London when the Spartak manager lifted the Canesten Combi Cup for the first time in May.

“Yarrrrr! If ye be askin’ me, ye chance o’ that lily-livered scoundrel in ye thrush goblet be shipwrecked. Lallana apart, the rest o’ his side be a shower,” said Farah from next to his gold postbox in Teddington, south west London.

Many pundits have agreed with Farah’s assessment. Even after making changes at the transfer window the Spartak boss has struggled to get the best out of his team, which this week slipped into the relegation zone.

In Northern Monkeys the Somali manager will have an easy enough opening group C stage fixture this weekend, but tougher challenges await, particularly in the form of Headless Chickens, who maintain their place at the top of the Kenna table.

Responding to Farah’s comments outside the club’s Spyglass Hill training facility, the Spartak Mogadishu manager said: “Ye addled scurvy dog should be comin’ out from behind ‘is gold postbox an’ sayin’ ‘is words to me fore. I be makin’ ‘ee kiss the gunner’s daughter an’ no mistake! Yarrrrrr!”

The weekend cup action kicks off a schedule of five group games to be played over the next three months (5 November, 26 November, 10 December, 7 January and 21 January).

On each cup weekend Kenna teams will compete head to head to score the most goals, with three points awarded to the winner and one apiece if they draw.

The top four teams from each group will go through to the knockout phase, playing two legs in the last 16 in February, quarter finals in March, semi finals in April and the final taking place on the last day of the league season.

Week off – Piedmonte

League table

Kenna table wk 9 - 29 October 2013 — Kenna table wk 9 – 29 October 2013

Weekly scores

		Manager	Points	Goals
1	Hairy Fadjeetas	Aiden	40	2
2	Pikey Scum	Jack	38	3
3	KS West Green	Stix	38	2
4	Team Panda Rules OK	George	35	1
5	St. Reatham FC	Mike	33	1
6	Headless Chickens	John N	32	0
7	Bala Rinas	Lewis	30	2
8	Newington Reds	Dudley	28	0
9	Dulwich Red Sox	Luke	27	2
10	Just put Carles	Carles	27	0
11	This is Sparta…Prague	Rich	24	3
12	FC Testiculadew	James N	24	1
13	Northern Monkeys	Hugo	24	0
14	Still Don’t Know Yet	Pete	23	1
15	Piedmonte	Phil	23	0
16	Spartak Mogadishu	Abdi	23	0
17	Dynamo Charlton	Alex	21	0
18	Lokomotiv Leeds	Ben S	20	0
19	Rapids De Cullons CF	Jorge	18	1
20	Young Boys	Denney	16	0
21	Judean Peoples Front	Sholto	15	1
22	PSV Mornington	El Pons	15	1
23	Sporting Lesbian	Ben M	15	0

		Points	Player
	Player of the week	17	Suarez, L – LIV – STR
		Club	This is Sparta…Prague

Facebook teen changes ‘will unlock talent’

THE YOUNG Boys of Vauxhall manager has welcomed plans allowing teenagers to make their Facebook profile public.

Campaigners claim the changes to privacy settings will encourage cyberbullying and unsavoury interest from adults, but the Young Boys boss is convinced the added scouting potential will increase his team’s chances of identifying football talent and improve their chances of winning a second Kenna title.

The Welsh manager needs all the help he can get this season after suffering a catastrophe at the first transfer window earlier this month, despite signing in-form Andros Townsend.

He absentmindedly bought too many midfielders and fell foul of the Titus Bramble ruling. The team’s best midfielder was removed by the league and replaced by Operation Yewtree suspect Rolf Harris as a forfeit.

A tactic to raise quick cash by selling Vincent Kompany also backfired when only £5m was paid for the Belgian by fellow strugglers St Reatham FC.

The Young Boys had to settle for an injured Martin De Michelis as replacement. The Argentine defender joins Harris, Townsend, Nathan Redmond and Sone Aluko as new signings at the club, which failed to climb above 18th place in the weekend back from the international break.

The Young Boys manager remains upbeat. He said: “Everyone knows that the secret to future success is to groom the best talent from an early age. These Facebook changes to teenage privacy settings will let us target boys as young as 13 – a key age in their development both as footballers and people.

“Some parents can be a little overprotective of their children at this age, but they shouldn’t be concerned. Here at the club we regularly help our youngest, most impressionable players to escape distractions and focus on their game. It’s just me, Rolf Harris and 10 Young Boys in a flat in Vauxhall. What could possibly be untoward about that?”

Headless Chickens maintained their grip on first place and remain top goal scorers despite not finding the net this week. The Chickens boss welcomed Facebook’s decision to allow beheading clips to return to the social media site.

“We were being discriminated against,” he said.

League table

Kenna table wk 8 - 23 October 2013 — Kenna table wk 8 – 23 October 2013

Weekly scores

		Manager	Points	Goals
1	Northern Monkeys	Hugo	43	2
2	Hairy Fadjeetas	Aiden	36	4
3	Still Don’t Know Yet	Pete	34	2
4	FC Testiculadew	James N	33	3
5	Judean Peoples Front	Sholto	33	2
6	Team Panda Rules OK	George	31	1
7	KS West Green	Stix	28	2
8	Rapids De Cullons CF	Jorge	26	2
9	Just put Carles	Carles	26	0
10	Pikey Scum	Jack	25	2
11	Piedmonte	Phil	25	1
12	Lokomotiv Leeds	Ben S	24	1
13	Newington Reds	Dudley	24	0
14	Spartak Mogadishu	Abdi	22	1
15	Young Boys	Denney	21	1
16	Headless Chickens	John N	20	0
17	St. Reatham FC	Mike	20	0
18	Dulwich Red Sox	Luke	19	2
19	Dynamo Charlton	Alex	19	0
20	Bala Rinas	Lewis	18	0
21	Sporting Lesbian	Ben M	16	0
22	PSV Mornington	El Pons	11	0
23	This is Sparta…Prague	Rich	11	0

		Points	Player
	Player of the week	15	Hazard, E – CHE – MID
		Club	Hairy Fadjeetas

Canesten Combi Cup – group stage standings

Cup fixtures

Kenna table

Weekly scores

Best newcomer – the Sporting Lesbian manager

Performance of the year – Spartak Mogadishu

Worst performance of the year – the PSV Mornington manager

The Wally with the Brolly award for most hapless tournament campaign – Bala Rinas

Captain Mainwaring leadership award – the Still Don’t Know Yet manager

Biggest dilemma ahead of a transfer window award – Juan Mata or Demba Ba?

The Dr Evil award for the Kenna’s biggest nemesis – the Catholic Church

The Kevin Keegan ‘I would LOVE it’ award for coping with April pressure – the Woking manager

The Jack Wilshere xenophobe award – Mo Farrah’s pirate accent

The Amsterdam red light district award for most false promise in the window – Jason Puncheon

The Notorious BIG Life After Death award for best post-Kenna career – the former manager of The Dan Terry Seduction

The Men from the Ministry Bureaucratic Balls Up award – Kenna HQ

Best night out – August auction

The Operation Yewtree award for best youth set up – the Young Boys manager

Kenna table

Weekly scores

The year in a nutshell

The Kenna blog’s top five posts in 2013 (that weren’t about pub crawls)

Kenna table

Weekly scores

Canesten Combi Cup results

Kenna table

Weekly scores

Canesten Combi Cup – group stage standings after two match weeks

Kenna table

Weekly scores

Canesten Combi Cup group stage – round one

League table

Weekly scores

Group A

Group B

Group C

Group D

League table

Weekly scores

League table

Weekly scores