Inactivity: Gabriel Tamas, Micah Richards (centre) and Thomas Sorensen put Woking top of the luxury league
HAIRY FADJEETAS have hit out at BBC Radio Five Live after commentators branded Hatem Ben Arfa ‘a luxury man’.
The criticism came during the first half of last night’s match at Goodison Park as Ben Arfa continued to waste possession despite his team struggling in midfield at 1-0 down.
Comments made by summariser Danny Mills outraged the Hairy Fadjeetas midfielder’s manager.
“I’d like to see Five Live bring their ‘analysis’ to the bearpit that is the Kenna and then talk about luxuries,” he fumed from his Regency chaise longue in between mouthfuls After Eight mints dipped in asses’ milk fed to him by the woman who popped Marouane Chamakh’s cherry.
Luxury league
A ‘luxury player’ is considered to be someone whose individual talent can turn a game in his team’s favour, but who contributes little actual work to the side.
Identifying luxury players in general is largely a matter of opinion, but in the Kenna there’s a hard and fast rule.
Below, Kenna teams are ordered into a hierarchy of money spent on players who so far have contributed nothing to their side’s campaign.
Woking top the list, by virtue of having the most players on nil points, including that most profligate of signings – a luxury player in goal. Cynics might say that at one place off the bottom, the club also has a luxury manager.
Leroy Lita and the luxury player’s luxury player Tomas Rosicky have fin de siècle Vasco De Beauvoir a close second.
Considering his side’s dissolute approach, the Fadges boss would do well to heed to the BBC.
Outlook: Tentative debut auction for the Woking manager, with dogged pursuit of Sorensen and Ireland raising eyebrows in some quarters. Twitter lawyers stood down after frozen snack expert Rio Ferdinand lost on a Bramble and replaced by Gabriel Tamas. Micah Richards sidelined with injury for a month.
(B) = player awarded under the Titus Bramble ruling.
Stella cast: the Premier League is bursting with talent. Well, apart from the Titus Bramble brigade
SKY SPORTS hacks, former professionals-cum-pundits and the intimidating bloke at the bar with the British Bulldog tattoo and Argos bling all vehemently maintain that England has the best football league in the world.
While we can be certain that their assurances are absolutely genuine, and have nothing whatsoever to do with viewing figures, xenophobia or a grim, single-parent upbringing in a region of high unemployment, the more subversive among us sometimes harbour dark thoughts that not everyone competing in the Premier League is of a world-beating standard.
As the David Silvas, Wayne Rooneys and John Terrys of the land set them up, bang them in and save the handshaking for the faces of their teammates’ wives, a small contingent of those plying their trade on Super Sunday are more folly prone than Hollywood.
Even Signet Rings in the pub, at least until he’s charged up on a couple of rounds of wife beater, could be persuaded that some the players in the Premier League are what’s colloquially known as ‘a bit shit’.
For denizens of the Kenna this spirit of mediocrity has found earthly embodiment in the form of Titus Bramble. The journeyman defender continues to make regular starts in the Premier League despite his flaws at Newcastle once forming the contents of an official Chelsea dossier and nightclub indiscretions leading to unsavoury tangles with the law.
Ahead of the new season, the Kenna is searching for more specimens like Titus who are likely to spend the next few months showcasing just how average English football can be.
Make your suggestion by adding a comment below or join the debate on Twitter @jeffkennaleague.
The best suggestions will be assembled into a ‘Titus Bramble Invitational Squad’ and employed as forfeit players for the upcoming Kenna auction, to be held next month in another not-so-exclusive central London pub.
Managers breaking auction rules will have the cream of their side whipped out and replaced by one of ‘the Brambles’.
AS ROMAN Abramovich composes his classified ad for the Russian oligarch equivalent of Autotrader (‘millions spent, could run well for another year or so’), another season of domestic football draws to a close.
For the sake of posterity (and to make room on the homepage for the upcoming Emmanuel Olisadebe European Cup), the final league standings for 2011/12 can be found below.
