What a bunch of can’ts

McIlroy toothache: Maybe the equipment’s to blame

THE WOKING manager can’t polish a turd.

The Sporting Lesbian manager surely can’t lose the title from here, something the Piedmonte manager can’t ever be expected to win buying under-performing English footballers for extortionate prices at auction. The Judean Peoples’ Front manager can’t visit Utoya Island ever again. One man still can’t believe that when he introduced them to the definition of the word ‘needster’, two people who had never met before the Newington Reds manager’s stag do in the Pyrenees simultaneously pulled up the same provocative Facebook photo of a girl in a bikini. Rival Catalans the Just Put Carles and PSV Mornington managers can’t eat their evening meals before midnight. A steady diet of lager and Jägerbombs can’t be sustained for longer than three days without an eerie taste of sick developing at the back of the throat. The Spartak Mogadishu manager can’t stop pillaging other’s first dates and making off with the booty, while the former Dan Terry Seduction manager can’t get laid, even using Rohypnol. Kenna HQ can’t afford to open premises in St James’s called the Point Fives Club with live tweets from the Olisadebe 2012 Euros auction framed on the wall of the billiard room. And someone who can snowboard can’t necessarily ski.

Which is why the Chairman cuts a lonely figure in the photo above. Having made it half way up a red run, he spent 20 agonising minutes being severely punished for his vainglorious, ‘how hard can it be’ attempt to ski. Forced to abandon, he was rewarded with the long and awkward journey back to the bottom, and for posterity snapped by the Greendale Rockets manager from the smug comfort of a chairlift.

No stranger to ignominy on the slopes, the Chairman said afterwards: “It wasn’t as bad as the trip to Chamonix a few years ago. I’ll never go snowboarding in jeans again.”

League table

Week 29 - 19 March 2013
Week 29 – 19 March 2013

Weekly scores

This week
Manager Points Goals
1 Judean Peoples’ Front Sholto 43 3
2 Northern Monkeys Hugo 39 1
3 Piedmonte Phil 33 3
4 Sporting Lesbian Ben M 33 1
5 Hairy Fadjeetas Aiden 31 2
6 Spartak Mogadishu Abdi 30 1
7 Greendale Rockets Stu 27 2
8 Just put Carles Carles 26 1
9 PSV Mornington El Pons 22 1
10 Bala Rinas Lewis 22 0
11 Dynamo Charlton Alex 22 0
12 Lokomotiv Leeds Ben S 22 0
13 Vasco De Beauvoir Stix 22 0
14 FC Testicluadew James N 20 1
15 Woking Mike 19 0
16 Pikey Scum Jack 18 0
17 Headless Chickens John N 16 0
18 Newington Reds Dudley 16 0
19 Wandsworth Window Lickers Will 16 0
20 Still Don’t Know Yet Pete 14 1
Points Player
Player of the week 11 Monreal, N – ARS – DEF
Club Judean Peoples’ Front
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