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St George's flag
In his heart: Piedmonte players have been made to watch Dambusters to practice their formation

THERE HAVEN’T been many positives in the career of the erstwhile Piedmonte manager.

For seven disappointing years he plied his trade in the Kenna at the helm of Thieving Magpies, sticking to the same dogged loyalty of picking England players to do a job that foreigners will perform with twice the results for half the transfer fee.

After starting their Kenna career with positive third and second place finishes in the opening two seasons, Thieving Magpies spent five years in steady decline. Supporters were patient, but when January’s nadir came with the manager admitting he couldn’t go out locally, it was only a matter of time before he got the boot.

Taking the reins of new club Piedmonte, it looked like the manager had made the same St George’s flag lapel badge blunders of the dark times at ‘Pies, but Darren Bent and Frank Lampard have come charging out of the blocks, ably assisted by Nathan Dyer and Ricky Lambert.

Even the inclusion of his preferred goalkeeper Rob Green appears a masterstroke. The former England man doesn’t get a sniff of action in goal at Loftus Road, where so many away strikers do.

“I like football the English way. It’s about keeping them honest,” said the Piedmonte manager, making the first team’s only foreigners Rafael and Fabricio Coloccini practice slide tackling on the training ground’s goalposts before sending them to buy runner beans from an untended table in a nearby village and checking they’d left some money.

The manager’s dogmatic approach has already caused ripples at the club, with £17m Dutch playmaker Rafael van der Vaart leaving for the Bundesliga.

“I’ve got the utmost respect for Rafa, but to be fair he was a bit of a luxury player,” said the gaffer, who went on to deny rumours the midfielder had left because the team had been made to watch ‘Escape to Victory’ before every match.

League table

Week 6 - 2 October 2012
Week 6 – 2 October 2012

Weekly scores

Manager Points Goals
1 Sporting Lesbian Ben M 43 4
2 Pikey Scum Jack 30 1
3 Judean Peoples’ Front Sholto 28 2
4 PSV Mornington El Pons 27 3
5 Bala Rinas Lewis 24 2
6 Just put Carles Carles 24 1
7 FC Testicluadew James N 23 3
8 Spartak Mogadishu Abdi 23 1
9 Newington Reds Dudley 21 1
10 Greendale Rockets Stu 20 1
11 Lokomotiv Leeds Ben S 20 1
12 Northern Monkeys Hugo 20 1
13 Still Don’t Know Yet Pete 20 1
14 Hairy Fadjeetas Aiden 19 0
15 Headless Chickens John N 17 1
16 Piedmonte Phil 17 1
17 Dynamo Charlton Alex 13 0
18 Wandsworth Window Lickers Will 12 0
19 Woking Mike 7 0
20 Vasco De Beauvoir Stix 6 0
Points Player
Player of the week 20 Suarez, L – LIV – STR
Club Sporting Lesbian
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Lesbi show

Peep show
Michu has given a glimpse of his prowess

FOUR GOALS in three appearances for Spanish sensation Michu has gifted the Sporting Lesbian boss August’s Manager of the Month award.

The £2.5m attacking midfielder from Asturias has inspired the rest of the Lesbian side – apart from the injured Marko Marin, the rest of the team has contributed to their manager’s early success.

“We’re putting in some very good Lesbian performances. It’s really bringing the punters in,” said the Sporting boss, while taking delivery of a fresh batch of ping pong balls and listing the used ones for sale on a discreet, specialist website.

This time last season Just Put Carles were in a similar position, but could only end the season in a bitter lower mid-table dogfight.

The Kenna pump

  • £17m midfielder Rafael van der Vaart has moved to Germany. “Scheisse!” said the Peidmonte manager.
  • £500k defender Neil Taylor is out for the rest of the season with injury. “We’re not in crisis,” said the Greendale Rockets manager, whose also without Wayne Rooney.
  • Despite £35m Robin van Persie’s hat-trick and penalty fail, Still Don’t Know Yet are in trouble up front with £23m Mario Balotelli out with an eye injury. “He’s not looking so good,” quipped the SDKY gaffer.
  • £500k Lokomotiv Leeds midfielder Ryan Taylor is out until March with a cruciate injury
  • £1m Headless Chicken Andy Carroll is out for a month with a hamstring injury.
  • Just over a year after the FC Testiculadew manager signed him for £7m, Maicon has come to England.

League table

Kenna table - week 3
Kenna table – week 3

 

Weekly scores

    Manager Points Goals
1 FC Testicluadew James N 36 3
2 Piedmonte Phil 29 1
3 Northern Monkeys Hugo 28 2
4 Sporting Lesbian Ben M 27 1
5 Dynamo Charlton Alex 24 2
6 Still Don’t Know Yet Pete 23 3
7 Bala Rinas Lewis 21 0
8 Just put Carles Carles 19 0
9 Vasco De Beauvoir Stix 18 1
10 Headless Chickens John N 17 1
11 Lokomotiv Leeds Ben S 17 1
12 Spartak Mogadishu Abdi 17 1
13 Newington Reds Dudley 16 1
14 Wandsworth Window Lickers Will 16 1
15 Woking Mike 16 0
16 Hairy Fadjeetas Aiden 15 1
17 Judean Peoples’ Front Sholto 14 0
18 Greendale Rockets Stu 13 0
19 Pikey Scum Jack 10 0
20 PSV Mornington El Pons 5 0
         
    Points Player  
  Player of the week 15 van Persie, R – MUN – STR  
    Club Still Don’t Know Yet  
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Piedmonte

Manager: Phil (Wolverhampton)

Twitter name: @PhillyD55

Since: 2005 (co-founder)

Last season: 18th (relegated and sacked as manager of Thieving Magpies)

Trophy cabinet: Empty (best finish – 2nd in 2006/07)

Sympathies: Notts County

Darts music: The Wheelbarrow song

Outlook: After seven years without silverware the Wulfrunian was sacked in May after taking the Thieving Magpies down. Despite circumstances reaching dire levels during that last campaign, he found a job at Piedmonte and things now appear to be on the up. Frank Lampard is already two goals to the good and Adam Johnson’s has made a positive switch to Wearside. The manager has retained the services of Darren Bent up front – a surprising move.

(B) = player awarded under the Titus Bramble ruling

Begovic, A STO £0.5m
Johnson, G LIV £8m
Coloccini, F NEW £10m
Rafael MUN £2m
Dawson, M TOT £6m
Kebe, J REA £0.5m
Lampard, F CHE £16m
Milner, J MCY £0.5m
Johnson, A SUN £4.5m
Jelavic, N EVE £34m
Lambert, R SOT £13m
 Total £95m

Second transfer window – 1 February 2013

Out      In 
Mertesacker, P ARS £19m Dawson, M TOT £6m
Dyer, N SWA £10m Kebe, J REA £0.5m
Bent, D AVL £16m Jelavic, N EVE £34m

First transfer window – 26 October 2012

Out      In 
Green, R QPR £0.5m Begovic, A STO £0.5m
Tomkins, J WHM £3m Mertesacker, P ARS £19m
van der Vaart, R HAM £17m Milner, J MCY £0.5m
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Lokomotiv Leeds (second window)

Manager: Mr Ben Silver (ENG)

Since: 2011

Trophy cabinet: empty

Sympathies: Leeds United

Foster, B WBA £4m
Skrtel, M LIV £18m
Bardsley, P SUN £5m
Simpson, D NEW £0.5m
Sagna, B ARS £14m
Howson, J NOR £0.5m
Toure, Y MCY £16.5m
van der Vaart, R TOT £5m
Moses, V WIG £3m
Hernandez, J MUN £21m
Sturridge, D CHE £0.5m
£88m
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