robin van persie – The Jeff Kenna League

The 7.08 Club

SHOCKWAVES from Saturday’s Kenna fantasy football auction are still being felt in London five days on.

The marathon event shook the upstairs bar of the Roebuck in Borough for a record eight hours, as 21 managers worked their way through 232 lots and many more units of Central European lager.

Robin van Persie fetched the highest price of £46m – almost half a Kenna manager’s ton budget – bought over Skype by a mysterious man in Valencia wearing a Panama hat.

At £39m each Wayne Rooney and Sergio Aguero were the next biggest signings bought by St Reatham FC, the former Woking manager’s new team, and KS West Green, the Chairman’s team, respectively. Both managers steered their teams to relegation last season.

But it wasn’t the ninth annual Kenna auction itself that caused the biggest stir.

Locked in competition for a full shift, the majority of Kenna managers decided to accept the FC Rapid de Cuillons manager’s invitation to a late drink on his Thames boat bar: Bar&Co.

As the complimentary shooters flowed, the pressure of entering the world’s most competitive fantasy football league began to show, with memories of the evening becoming hazier.

Anders Breivik lookalike the Judean Peoples’ Front manager was among a hardened group of post-auction revellers who reported getting home at breakfast time, but he was not the biggest casualty.

Shutting himself into the Kenna HQ situation room with nothing but a case of tinned sardines and the auction wildcards, it took until Wednesday for the Kenna chairman to come to terms with the beast he’d created.

Emerging from his solitary vigil the chairman said: “Up until Saturday many people associated with the Kenna often wished there was more than one auction a year. Not any more.

“Glad as we are to be involved with this great institution, no one’s sanity, home life or alimentary canal could possibly deal with more than one of those sessions in 12 months.”

The first transfer window in October will probably come close.

The league will issue full details of teams and remaining budgets ahead of the season curtain raiser on Saturday at 12.45pm.

Wildcard: each manager could pick one player at random to be auctioned immediately

Attack, Midfield, Defence: winners and losers

Anders Breivik — Attack: The Still Don’t Know Yet front pair came top in a straight comparison (photo courtesy of Pan African News Wire)

THE KENNA League is jumping on the pundit bandwagon about the Per Mertesacker and Laurent Koscielny partnership being the basis of Arsenal’s realised European ambition.

The four best defences in the Kenna this season helped their team to a top-half finish. Joe Hart, Ashley Cole and Jose Enrique shared a tremendous season at Judean Peoples’ Front to crown the team best at the back.

In midfield, the Just Put Carles manager’s decision to stick with his starting four of Arteta, Silva, Osman and Henderson – more likely through not turning up to transfer windows than anything else – paid dividends.

Despite winning the league on Sunday with the most goals scored of any side, Sporting Lesbian fell short in defence and midfield for which the front pair of Luis Suarez and Sergio Aguero more than atoned. Only Robin van Persie and Arouna Kone at Still Don’t Know Yet did better.

The Sporting manager’s celebratory tweet today suggests a William Hill account has taken a bit of beating over the last few months.

@jeffkennaleague Delighted with the season, the prize money just about covers all the dodgy bets I’ve made this season..

— Ben Marcangelo (@BenMarcangelo) May 22, 2013

Defence (final league position)

1	Judean Peoples’ Front (3)	543
2	Piedmonte (4)	466
3	Spartak Mogadishu (8)	463
4	Just Put Carles (5)	420
5	Pikey Scum (15)	415
6	Newington Reds (11)	409
7	Sporting Lesbian (1)	400
8	Bala Rinas (13)	392
9	FC Testiculadew (2)	386
10	Lokomotiv Leeds (7)	383
11	Greendale Rockets (17)	382
12	Headless Chickens (16)	372
13	PSV Mornington (10)	368
14	Vasco De Beauvoir (18)	356
15	Northern Monkeys (12)	355
16	Woking (20)	346
17	Wandsworth Window Lickers (19)	343
18	Dynamo Charlton (6)	337
19	Hairy Fadjeetas (9)	266
20	Still Don’t Know Yet (14)	207

Midfield (final league position)

1	Just Put Carles (5)	474
2	Dynamo Charlton (6)	456
3	Hairy Fadjeetas (9)	440
4	Headless Chickens (16)	399
5	FC Testiculadew (2)	395
6	Northern Monkeys (12)	393
7	PSV Mornington (10)	376
8	Sporting Lesbian (1)	375
9	Piedmonte (4)	362
10	Spartak Mogadishu (8)	336
11	Wandsworth Window Lickers (19)	334
12	Pikey Scum (15)	332
13	Newington Reds (11)	331
14	Greendale Rockets (17)	318
15	Bala Rinas (13)	305
16	Lokomotiv Leeds (7)	296
17	Judean Peoples’ Front (3)	295
18	Woking (20)	283
19	Vasco De Beauvoir (18)	268
20	Still Don’t Know Yet (14)	243

Attack (final league position)

1	Still Don’t Know Yet (14)	397
2	Sporting Lesbian (1)	378
3	FC Testiculadew (2)	297
4	Lokomotiv Leeds (7)	278
5	Dynamo Charlton (6)	278
6	PSV Mornington (10)	264
7	Newington Reds (11)	258
8	Northern Monkeys (12)	256
9	Spartak Mogadishu (8)	254
10	Judean Peoples’ Front (3)	251
11	Piedmonte (4)	251
12	Vasco De Beauvoir (18)	236
13	Hairy Fadjeetas (9)	218
14	Greendale Rockets (17)	209
15	Pikey Scum (15)	198
16	Bala Rinas (13)	197
17	Just Put Carles (5)	184
18	Wandsworth Window Lickers (19)	169
19	Woking (20)	163
20	Headless Chickens (16)	152

Cup preview: Second eggs poised for drama

Protection: Northern Monkeys will have a bodyguard for their away trip to Spartak Mogadishu (photo courtesy of Jessica Hatcher)

EIGHT managers will be eating their eggs with a little more anxiety than usual this Easter weekend as their teams head out in the final leg of the cup quarter finals.

As Sporting Lesbian run away with the league, the Canesten Combi Cup increasingly represents the only chance to get some silverware this season.

Who will progress? Who will end up with egg on their face? For each tie the Kenna makes predictions weaker than the puns in this post.

Still Don’t Know Yet (1) v Vasco De Beauvoir (1)
Venue: Not Sure Avenue

A vital, first-leg away goal for Still Don’t Know Yet will make this a tough trip for Vasco, and the relegation strugglers from De Beauvoir will hope Robin van Persie’s goal drought continues.

Progression over the Chairman’s team would be a double victory for the SDNY manager, who holds the league accountable for an untoward nocturnal incident back in the August.

Prediction: Tie boiled down to points scored on second leg.

Sporting Lesbian (2) v Just Put Carles (1)
Venue: The Gash

The league leaders are in assured form carrying two away goals into the second leg, and are the bookies’ favourites to take this all the way having scored 15 more goals than any other club this season.

JPC’s Le Fondre, Maloney, Henderson, Osman and Silva are less likely to find the net.

Prediction: Plenty of mouth-watering action with Lesbians coming on top.

Spartak Mogadishu (2) v Northern Monkeys (1)
Venue: RPG Ground

One of the toughest away trips in the calendar. Northern Monkeys will have to overcome a lead, away goals and Al Shabaab pot shots from nearby rooftops.

The good news is that Monkeys striker Edin Dzeko has good experience in this field, having grown up in 90s Sarajevo.

Prediction: Monkeys fail to scramble it in the Horn of Africa.

FC Testiculadew (1) v Dynamo Charlton (3)
Venue: Scrot Rot Street

Cup holders Testiculadew have their work cut out to overturn this tie, but Dynamo only just scraped through the last 16 and can sometimes rely a little too heavily on Carlos Tevez.

Prediction: Remy and Berbatov poach it for the tactial Brambler.

Lesbi show

Peep show — Michu has given a glimpse of his prowess

FOUR GOALS in three appearances for Spanish sensation Michu has gifted the Sporting Lesbian boss August’s Manager of the Month award.

The £2.5m attacking midfielder from Asturias has inspired the rest of the Lesbian side – apart from the injured Marko Marin, the rest of the team has contributed to their manager’s early success.

“We’re putting in some very good Lesbian performances. It’s really bringing the punters in,” said the Sporting boss, while taking delivery of a fresh batch of ping pong balls and listing the used ones for sale on a discreet, specialist website.

This time last season Just Put Carles were in a similar position, but could only end the season in a bitter lower mid-table dogfight.

The Kenna pump

£17m midfielder Rafael van der Vaart has moved to Germany. “Scheisse!” said the Peidmonte manager.
£500k defender Neil Taylor is out for the rest of the season with injury. “We’re not in crisis,” said the Greendale Rockets manager, whose also without Wayne Rooney.
Despite £35m Robin van Persie’s hat-trick and penalty fail, Still Don’t Know Yet are in trouble up front with £23m Mario Balotelli out with an eye injury. “He’s not looking so good,” quipped the SDKY gaffer.
£500k Lokomotiv Leeds midfielder Ryan Taylor is out until March with a cruciate injury
£1m Headless Chicken Andy Carroll is out for a month with a hamstring injury.
Just over a year after the FC Testiculadew manager signed him for £7m, Maicon has come to England.

League table

Kenna table - week 3 — Kenna table – week 3

Weekly scores

		Manager	Points	Goals
1	FC Testicluadew	James N	36	3
2	Piedmonte	Phil	29	1
3	Northern Monkeys	Hugo	28	2
4	Sporting Lesbian	Ben M	27	1
5	Dynamo Charlton	Alex	24	2
6	Still Don’t Know Yet	Pete	23	3
7	Bala Rinas	Lewis	21	0
8	Just put Carles	Carles	19	0
9	Vasco De Beauvoir	Stix	18	1
10	Headless Chickens	John N	17	1
11	Lokomotiv Leeds	Ben S	17	1
12	Spartak Mogadishu	Abdi	17	1
13	Newington Reds	Dudley	16	1
14	Wandsworth Window Lickers	Will	16	1
15	Woking	Mike	16	0
16	Hairy Fadjeetas	Aiden	15	1
17	Judean Peoples’ Front	Sholto	14	0
18	Greendale Rockets	Stu	13	0
19	Pikey Scum	Jack	10	0
20	PSV Mornington	El Pons	5	0

		Points	Player
	Player of the week	15	van Persie, R – MUN – STR
		Club	Still Don’t Know Yet

Still Don’t Know Yet

Manager: Pete (Teeside)

Twitter name: @peterball01

Since: Domestic debut (entered The Olisadebe Euro 2012)

Trophy cabinet: Empty

Sympathies: Boro

Darts music: Theme from ‘The Power Game’ – Cyril Stapleton

Outlook: After a warm-up 12th in the Olisadebe in the summer, this was a chance to stamp some authority on the domestic game but the SDKY manager already finds himself under considerable pressure. Not content with being the first manager in eight years to lose a goalkeeper on a Bramble, and hence have the services of missing reserve player from the Cameroon Olympic women’s team Drusille Ngako between the sticks, the SDKY boss unsuccessfully appealed against a controversial decision to remove defender James Collins from his side.

(B) = player awarded under the Titus Brambling ruling

Ngako, D (B)	AWOL	£1m
Jagielka, P	EVE	£7.5m
Ferdinand, A	QPR	£4m
Pogatetz, E	WHM	£3.5m
Ferguson, S (B)	NEW	£1m
McAnuff, J	REA	£18m
Gerrard, S	LIV	£15m
Cattermole, L	SUN	£2.5m
Morrison, J	WBA	£2.5m
van Persie, R	MUN	£35m
Kone, A	WIG	£19m
	Total	£109m

Second transfer window – 1 February 2013

Out			In
Jenkinson, C	ARS	£13m	Pogatetz, E	WHM	£3.5m
O’Neil, G	WHM	£0.5m	McAnuff, J	REA	£18m

First transfer window – 26 October 2012

Out			In
Evans, J	MUN	£5m	Jenkinson, C	ARS	£13m
Balotelli, M	MCY	£23m	Kone, A	WIG	£19m

JPF boss refutes lookalike claims

Fjord defence: JPF boss was quick to refute lookalike claims

DESPITE goals from Robin Van Persie and Ramires this week, Judean Peoples’ Front are yet again struggling to maintain their public image.

The club’s press office was sent into overdrive as world events came crashing through the door of the Kenna and right into the mid-table club.

As millions of people watched the trial of Norwegian mass murderer Anders Breivik it dawned. He looks remarkably like the JPF manager.

The media immediately began drawing parallels. The remorselessness shown by the Bond villain henchman-esque Scandinavian was likened to that of the JPF boss during the Ashley Williams transfer affair.

Eager to avoid a repeat of that last PR disaster, the JPF boss was quick to call a press conference.

“Now look here, I may have told the odd ginger joke and don’t get me started on the bloody English, but I share none of Breivik’s extremist views on multiculturalism,” said the manager of the team with one of the fewest black minority ethnic players in the league.

Official league equality and inclusion champion the Spartak Mogadishu manager, no stranger to heavily-armed men in wetsuits turning up uninvited, was not convinced.

“Yarrr! Ye all be rac1sts,” he yo-ho-hoed.

Next week: finalists for the Cannestan Combi Cup will be decided as the semi final second leg results due.

Download a full breakdown of the scores from the ‘Details’ box on the right hand side of this page.

Judean Peoples’ Front (second window)

Manager: Mr Sholto Gilbertson (WAL)

Since: 2008

Trophy cabinet: empty

Sympathies: Manchester United

Ruddy, J (B)	NOR	£0.5m
Heitinga, J	EVE	£8m
Gallas, W	TOT	£10m
Toure, K	MCY	£7m
Upson, M	STO	£4m
Scholes, P	MUN	£0.5m
Duff, D	FUL	£8m
N’Zogbia, C	AVL	£0.5m
Ramires	CHE	£9.5m
van Persie, R	ARS	£38.5m
Bellamy, C	LIV	£0.5m
		£87m

‘Incompetent and thoughtless’ JPF boss in leaked memo row

Cut loose: Ashley Williams is a free agent

Wales defender Ashley Williams has hit out at the Judean Peoples’ Front manager after details of an internal club memo were leaked to the media.

Williams, who was released by JPF ahead of this Friday’s transfer window, has taken exception to the heave ho and the contents of the memo written by the manager himself.

“I also have someone from Swansea – get rid of him.”

In the leaked communique the JPF boss says: “Could you remove the bloke that I have from QPR and Cleverly. I also have someone from Swansea – get rid of him.”

The £2.5m-rated defender, who has played every minute of the campaign so far this season, said: “If he can’t see that I’m giving my all week in week out, then he’s just incompetent and thoughtless.

“His man management skills are a shambles, that’s why the only person who’s playing well for him this season is Robin van Persie, and even he wants to leave.”

In his defence the JPF manager said: “It’s a case of sour grapes. The axe has swung and he needs to deal with it.”

Early indications are that suitors will be queuing up to sign Williams, with eight managers needing to fill holes in defence.

A full list of available players will be released by Friday morning.