Analysis: The Romelu Lukaku chant

MANCHESTER United fans have ignored the polite request of Romelu Lukaku and the wrath of Kick It Out campaign to continue singing their controversial chant.

For anyone who hasn’t heard it, terrace ‘wits’ are using a melody from Made of Stone by the Stone Roses to make race-related assertions about the Belgian striker’s manhood.

For chant enthusiasts, comparisons could be made to a video of Manchester United fans chanting about allegations Adam Johnson had an inappropriate sexual encounter with a 15-year-old girl (analysed here two years ago).

At the time, the former Sunderland winger was yet to be convicted.

But while both chants relate to…ahem…Johnsons under scrutiny, in Lukaku’s case defamation is an unlikely issue.

Is any man going to be interviewed outside the Royal Courts of Justice thousands of pounds richer because his penis is smaller than slandered?

In…ahem…short, the Lukaku chant is clearly racist and inappropriate.

But to the chant purist it could beg the question: to what United players could the Made of Stone chant be applied on the grounds of national stereotyping?

Here are some seriously low-quality efforts.

Juan Mata (Spain)

Juan Mata
Likes to chatter
Smokes Ducardos at a bullfight
Doesn’t eat his tea till midnight
Getting the assists
When he talks he lisps

Matteo Darmian (Italy)

Tackler, passer and a shooter
Says ‘Ciao!’ to girls from his scooter
Pressing down the flank
Reversing in his tank

Daley Blind (Netherlands)

Daley Blind
Smoking blim
Useful defensive solution
Relaxed views on prostitution
Tulips, clogs, windmills
Not that good on hills

Sergio Romero (Argentina)

A magician on the goal line
Steak and Malbec every lunchtime
Acrobatic feats
Can’t help it if he cheats

Anthony Martial (France)

He might take a nifty free kick
But his bike’s covered in garlic
Playing on the wing
Can’t resist a fling

Henrikh Mkhitaryan (Armenia)

He’s Armenian
Our state English education
Means we’ve reached the limitation
Of our trivia
It’s bordered by Georgia?

Zlatan Ibrahimovic (Sweden)

His home country’s rich
Leggy blondes, midsummer parties
Collaborated with the Nazis
Goals and kung fu tough
Saunas in the buff

Michael Carrick (England)

Michael Carrick
Midfield magic
Killer pass he’s always hunting
Local pub’s got George’s bunting
In England he believes
Probably voted Leave

Kenna table week 6

Full scores available from The Rub.

Kenna table week 6 - 26 September 2017
Kenna table week 6 – 26 September 2017
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Pirates plunder Catalans 7-1 in cup final

Somali pirate Lego
Helpless: Just Put Carles were no match for Spartak Mogadishu – the Pirates fired all afternoon (photo courtesy of Spontaneous Raptor)

KEVIN Nolan and Romelu Lukaka both scored hat-tricks to propel Spartak Mogadishu to a record 7-1 victory over Just Put Carles in the Canesten Combi Cup final.

The misery began for the Catalan manager of JPC when defender Jonas Ollson put the ball into his own net in the 17th minute.

Spartak Mogadishu striker Kevin Nolan made it 2-0 a few minutes later. JPC held on until half time, but Nolan added another just after the break.

Adam Le Fondre clawed one back for the Catalans, but Lukaku and Nolan went on to pump in another four goals to make it a record Canesten Combi Cup scoreline.

The Spartak Mogadishu manager becomes the first Johnny Foreigner to win silverware in the Kenna. He tweeted this evening that he was ‘here on merit’.

In the wake of the defeat the JPC manager tweeted: “Destroyed Catalan for dinner tonight”. It’s unclear whether he’s referring to the result or he’s entertaining Luis Suarez this evening.

It’s yet to be seen what effect the final day of the season will have on the Kenna League table, although Spartak Mogadishu were just too far back from third place for their six goals to have any likely say in the race for prize money.

Sporting Lesbian are almost certain to take the league title. A goal from Dimitar Berbatov will most likely have cemented runners up place to defending champions FC Testiculadew.

Judean Peoples’ Front and Piedmonte failed to get a goal between them, so the third place is anyone’s guess.

Full results will be published this week.

Cup final result

Spartak Mogadishu 7 (seven) – 1 Just Put Carles
Ollson (og)                                             Le Fondre
Nolan x3
Lukaku x3

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Spartak Mogadishu

Manager: Abdi (Somalia)

Twitter name: @abdinw1

Since: 2010

Last season: 4th

Trophy cabinet: Empty (best finish – last season)

Sympathies: Arsenal

Darts music: The Trumpet Hornpipe – The Captain Pugwash theme

Outlook: There were always concerns that the Mog manager’s haphazard approach to auction tactics would overshadow his campaign and, one or two players aside, they appear well founded. Midfield linchpin Luka Modric left for Spain hours after the Pirates signed him, leaving a dressing room bubbling with poor temperament, untested talent and indifferent previous.

Surprisingly, no Brambles.

Reina, P LIV £0.5m
Evra, P MUN £15m
Shawcross, R STO £11m
Bramble, T SUN £0.5m
Riether, S FUL £0.5m
Lallana, A SOT £14m
Gosling, D (B) NEW £19.5m
Nolan, K WHM £5m
Taarabt, A QPR £1m
Lukaku, R WBA £14m
Benteke, C AVL £35m
 Total £116m

Second transfer window – 1 February 2013

Out     In
Pollitt, M (B) WIG £11m Reina, P LIV £0.5m
Shelvey, J ARS £11m Gosling, D (B) NEW £19.5m
Ameobi, Shola NEW £0.5m Benteke, C AVL £35m

First transfer window – 26 October 2012

Out     In
Krul, T NEW £21m Pollitt, M (B) WIG £11m
Koscielny, L ARS £17m Bramble, T SUN £0.5m
Modric, L RMA £1m Shelvey, J LIV £11m
Campbell, F SUN £0.5m Ameobi, Shola NEW £0.5m
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