Transfer night turd ‘cost me third’

Chocolate hostage
Chocolate hostage: The Judean Peoples’ Front manager claims a rival Welshman took advantage of his singular bowel movement ritual (photo: FluffyPuppy2007)

THE Judean Peoples’ Front manager has claimed an ill-timed call of nature at the second transfer window flushed away his chances of finishing third in this season’s Kenna League.

Having occupied the number three spot for over three months as the season approached its back end, Judean Peoples’ Front were wiped down to fourth on the penultimate week of the campaign by rival Welsh manager’s side Bala Rinas.

The JPF manager, who bears an unfortunate resemblance to Norwegian mass murderer Anders Breivik, says an untimely visit to the pub gents during the transfer window in February meant he missed out on key target Samir Nasri. The Frenchman’s services would have ensured JPF a place on the podium.

As it is, while the JPF manager was in consultation with this number two, Bala Rinas signed Nasri for £2.5m and shot to third, his best ever finish.

The Breivik lookalike maintains insider knowledge of his unusually lengthy toiletting habits were used by the Bala manager, who is also the Kenna treasurer, to secure Nasri while he was dropping the kids off at the pool.

“I would have come third if I hadn’t gone for a shit. It’s as simple as that,” said the JPF manager yesterday.

“The treasurer, he’s a sneaky one. He knew I had more money than him on that transfer night and that I wanted Nasri. He knows I take a long time to park the fudge, so he waited for me to crimp one off and signed the midfielder on the cheap.”

This is the second time Samir Nasri has unwittingly found himself at the centre of this season’s Kenna League narrative.

Many managers were stunned the Frenchman was available in the first place.

The Piedmonte manager inexplicably released Nasri ahead of the second transfer window in favour of the services of Andros Townsend.

Presented with a genuine shot at the title two months ago, Piedmonte eventually hit the skids while Nasri flourished. For the second time, the Wulfrunian manager finds himself at number 2 – his ninth tilt at the title down the pan.

Had the Piedmonte manager kept the French midfielder he would now be sitting on the Kenna throne.

Instead, it is FC Testiculadew who today were confirmed as winners of the league, to be added to last week’s Canesten Combi Cup victory.

Asked today how he has masterminded two Kenna doubles in just three seasons, the FCT manager said: “It’s a giddy mix of knowledge, preparation and luck.”

In further comments that will not endear the already unpopular manager to the rest of the league, he continued: “Having said that, I’d consider ourselves unlucky this season. Had the lady smiled on us, rest assured your crushing under foot would have been far more emphatic.

“We’d have ripped your heads off and shat down each and everyone of your necks, real diarrhoea style.”

The league committee will be reviewing pub buffet arrangements ahead of the 2014 Emerson World Cup auction next month.

Kenna table – final standings

Kenna wk 37 - 20 May 2014
Kenna wk 37 – 20 May 2014

Weekly scores





Pikey Scum Jack  8   1 


Hairy Fadjeetas Aiden  7   1 


PSV Mornington El Pons  7   1 


KS West Green Stix  4   1 


Team Panda Rules OK George  4   0 


FC Testiculadew James N  2   0


Rapids De Cullons CF Jorge  2   0 


Sporting Lesbian Ben M  2   0


Judean Peoples Front Sholto  1   0 


Just put Carles Carles  1   0 


Newington Reds Dudley  1   0 


Northern Monkeys Hugo   1   0 


St. Reatham FC Mike   1   0 


Bala Rinas Lewis  0   0 


Dynamo Charlton Alex  0   0 


Headless Chickens John N  0   0


Lokomotiv Leeds Ben S  0   0


Dulwich Red Sox Luke  0   0 


Piedmonte Phil  0   0 


Spartak Mogadishu Abdi  0   0 


Still Don’t Know Yet Pete  0   0 


This is Sparta…Prague Rich  0   0 


Young Boys Denney  0  0 


Player of the week


Quinn, S – HUL – MID


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Death, taxes and one poor transfer decision

Samir Nasri
“What do I think of the Piedmonte manager?” (photo: Rod McLaren)

TITLE races don’t come much more thrilling than this season’s Kenna, but when it’s all over one manager may look back on a transfer window with severe regret.

The Piedmonte manager has his best chance of winning the league since its origins in 2005. It would be quite an itch to scratch considering he was among the eight pioneers of the Kenna that fateful night in The Old Bank of England.

As this season rolls into the final five weeks, Piedmonte find themselves just 25 points behind flash new boys FC Testiculadew. Dismissing a potentially catastrophic oversight by league organisers, one manager will be spraying champagne onto the bare breasts of high-class escort girls while the other will be throwing up a bellyful of Frosty Jacks in the park, along with the rest of the league.

If the Piedmonte manager finds himself waking up in his own vomit, as he has eight times before, the sale of Samir Nasri at the second transfer window will be a source of tortuous despair.

Eyebrows were raised that night in The Enterprise when the silky-skilled Frenchman found himself back on the market and snapped up for £2m by Bala Rinas.

Now Piedmonte find themselves so close to missing out, the manager is introspectively taking to social media:

He’s wrong. The fact is that if he’d made no transfers he wouldn’t be top of the league, but his team would have scored more goals (see below).

No one could criticise the Piedmonte manager for releasing Emmanuel Adebayor at the October window. The Togolese didn’t score a single point in those first six weeks, and looked to be having another season the elephant would sooner forget.

His replacement Jonathan Walters used to be one of those bargain Kenna bankers, but he’s had a torrid time of late and in 13 weeks for Piedmonte scored at less than two points a week, notching just two goals in the process.

‘The Pies’ replaced him with Peter Odemwingie, a huge gamble considering the Nigerian’s troubles, but he’s gone on to score a whopping 44 points in the last 10 weeks.

So no strikers sleeping in the car park – it’s in midfield where the manager has come unstuck.

A handful of good games, including one for England, meant Andros Townsend was so universally fashionable earlier this season he was even talked about in space.

But since joining Piedmonte, Townsend has clocked up a miserable 1.4 points a week. In the same time Samir Nasri has been going at an astronomic rate of 4.9.

Even more confounding for the Pies managers is that while Nasri’s purple patch has come since he left the club, he was already scoring at a very respectable 4.26 points, and if he’d kept the Frenchman he would be 20 points above FCT and have scored two more goals.

That’s going to haunt the Piedmonte manager if he misses out in yet another season.

Piedmonte scoring

Current total: 990 points, 43 goals

Starting XI total: 983 points, 49 goals

If he’d kept Nasri: 1,025 points, 47 goals

Piedmonte average points scored a week – individual

Krul – 2.47

Ben Davies – 2.34

Hangeland – 1.44

Phil Jones – 1.47

Jags – 2.66

Stevie G – 5.09

Noble – 3.09

Puncheon – 3.19

Nasri – 4.26 for Pies, 4.56 for the season / Townsend – 1.4 for Pies, 2.41 for the season

Long – 2.81

Adebayor – 0 for Pies, 3.06 for the season / J Walters – 2.77 for Pies, 2.41 for the season / Odemwingie – 4.4 for Pies,


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Piedmonte worry top as boss parties Down Under

Piedmonte manager in Australia
Mental Oriental: As Piedmonte flourish thousands of miles away the team’s manager enjoys more unorthodox pastimes

SAMIR Nasri has urged his manager not to come back from Australia in case a return ruins the club’s fantastic run of form.

The French midfielder scored twice for Piedmonte on the weekend which, added to goals from Shane Long and Steven Gerrard, helped fire the club second in the Kenna League.

The performance cuts Headless Chickens‘ lead to just 12 points, the lowest margin since they went top in mid September.

It is the Piedmonte manager’s best league position since he came second in the Kenna eight years ago, and all while the Englishman tours a former penal colony in the southern hemisphere.

Now his players have demanded their manager stays away from the club, claiming they can do a better job without him.

“The way we’re playing, we hope the boss never comes back. It’s no secret that the boss is a bit of a xenophobe, and I think certainly for me and some of the lads in the dressing room have got a renewed focus from not having to sing Jerusalem before games or being forced to drink a popular brand of weak English lager on Friday nights,” said Nasri, who’s enjoying his best run of form since joining the Kenna in 2008.

It’s not the first time the Piedmonte manager’s British bulldog mentality has been called into question. Overseeing years of steady decline at former club Thieving Magpies, his decision to pick English-only players was thought to have been vindicated just over a year ago. Lasting legacy was short-lived.

If the Piedmonte manager can tear himself away from hostilities in Adelaide for a few moments this weekend, he’ll be hoping his side can get something out of their Canesten Combi Cup group stage match with Hairy Fadjeetas.

Despite goals from Aaron Ramsey and Yoan Gouffran on the weekend, the Fadges slipped to third in the table.

Both managers are yet to win any Kenna league or cup silverware.

Kenna table

Kenna wk 13 - 26 November 2013
Kenna wk 13 – 26 November 2013

Weekly scores

Manager Points Goals
1 St. Reatham FC Mike 51 5
2 Piedmonte Phil 50 3
3 Bala Rinas Lewis 35 2
4 Newington Reds Dudley 32 1
5 Hairy Fadjeetas Aiden 31 3
6 Judean Peoples Front Sholto 31 1
7 Just put Carles Carles 31 1
8 Team Panda Rules OK George 30 1
9 FC Testiculadew James N 29 0
10 Pikey Scum Jack 27 1
11 Headless Chickens John N 24 0
12 Northern Monkeys Hugo 21 0
13 Rapids De Cullons CF Jorge 20 2
14 Sporting Lesbian Ben M 20 1
15 Dynamo Charlton Alex 20 0
16 KS West Green Stix 18 0
17 Still Don’t Know Yet Pete 18 0
18 Spartak Mogadishu Abdi 17 0
19 Young Boys Denney 16 0
20 This is Sparta…Prague Rich 13 0
21 PSV Mornington El Pons 11 0
22 Dulwich Red Sox Luke 10 0
23 Lokomotiv Leeds Ben S 8 0
Points Player
Player of the week 17 Long, S – WBA – STR
Club Piedmonte
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Wandsworth Window Lickers

Manager: Will (Worcestershire)

Twitter name: @chainfir3

Since: 2010

Trophy cabinet: Empty (highest league position – 8th in 2010/11)

Sympathies: Kidderminster Harriers

Darts music: Mary Jane – Rick James

Outlook: Not even 221B could say why the Wandsworth boss introduced and bought Jamie Carragher at last week’s auction, but with the exception of that mystery and Josh McEachran’s announcement he’s going on loan to Boro, the opening week of the season is treating the manager well with goals from Nasri and Odemwingie and clean sheets from O’Shea and Szczesny.

(B) = player awarded under the Titus Brambling ruling

Szczesny, W ARS £19m
Clyne, N SOT £6m
Assou-Ekotto, B TOT £7m
O’Shea, J SUN £5.5m
Ben Haim, T QPR £10m
Fellaini, M EVE £9m
Young, A MUN £15m
Assaidi, O LIV £0.5m
Nasri, S MCY £15m
Odemwingie, P WBA £6m
Gouffran, Y NEW £5m
 Total £98m

Second transfer window – 1 February 2013

Out     In
Herd, C AVL £0.5m Ben Haim, T QPR £10m
Obertan, G (B) NEW £0.5m Assaidi, O LIV £0.5m
Zamora, B QPR £2m Gouffran, Y NEW £5m

First transfer window – 26 October 2012

Out     In
Carragher, J LIV £0.5m Herd, C AVL £0.5m
McEachran, J (B) CHE £9m Obertan, G (B) NEW £0.5m
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Newington Reds (second window)

Manager: Mr Ben Dudley (ENG)

Since: 2005 (founder member)

Trophy cabinet: empty

Sympathies: Liverpool

Kenny, P QPR £0.5m
Shawcross, R STO £9m
Jones, P MUN £22m
Riise, J FUL £8m
Vermaelen, T ARS £3m
Formica, M BLR £1.5m
Cahill, T EVE £11m
Nasri, S MCY £18m
Sinclair, S SWA £1.5m
Ba, D NEW £11m
Long, S WBA £0.5m
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