Charm offensive

Champagne
Champagne manager, beer football: Seduction are failing to woo supporters

FACES don’t come much more egg-stained than that of the Dan Terry Seduction manager.

Ever since the pre-season name change fiasco, the DTS boss has been struggling to impress.

His team have occupied the relegation zone for much of the campaign and £26m, one-goal Florent Malouda is a prime candidate for big money flop of the season.

“There have been positives, like the form of Sebastian Larsson,” said the Seduction gaffer to a young female reporter who’d come to his office to interview him for the local rag.

“But let’s not get bogged down in the nitty gritty, shall we?” he continued, dimming his office lights, putting on some Barry White and uncorking a bottle of Asda’s own champagne.

“You know, managing a team in the Kenna is a lot like making love to a beautiful woman.

“To be successful you’ve got to keep hammering it in the goal right to the end. And make sure things are nice and tight at the back.”

The Seduction boss had by now poured two glasses and moved around to sit on the desk very close to the journalist, leaning over her.

“I sense that you’re nervous. Is this your first big assignment?” he said, handing her a drink.

She rolled her eyes. “Actually no. I interviewed George Elokobi a couple of weeks ago. He told me how glad he was to be rid of this place. We drew straws in the office to see who would interview you.”

“I see you have spirit. Football can be a hard game. Have you much experience?” as he said this he toasted her and took a sip.

“Listen. I’ve to get a story filed in two hours. I think I’ve got enough here. You’ll probably get spiked for the story about a Headless Chickens defender turning up for training in nothing but a pair of comedy breasts anyway,” she said, putting down her glass and leaving.

The Seduction boss spent a few moments sitting on his desk after she left. Eventually he got up.

“Damn!” he said, looking at the untouched drink. “That’s another roofie wasted.”

Download a full breakdown of the scores from the ‘Details’ box on the right hand side of this page.

Weekly scores - 13 March 2012
Weekly scores - 13 March 2012
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Elokobi leaves Seduction on loan

Nottingham Forest have signed The Dan Terry Seduction left-back George Elokobi on loan until the end of the season.

The 26-year-old Cameroonian has scored only 18 points for the struggling club this season, with just three starts in the Kenna League.

Elokobi told BBC Radio Nottingham: “It hasn’t worked out for me this season. There’s just not enough to eat in the club canteen.”

The defender’s departure leaves the Seduction in a bitter fight against relegation.

“We hoped the fuss around the England job would distract the media from this embarrassing development,” said the Seduction boss.

“We’re doomed. The only thing left for us to do now is stash as much complimentary Kenna stationery as possible into the lock-up before our official relegation at the end of the season,” he continued, while backing the club’s Bedford Rascal into a Dalston industrial estate.

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Woo woe continues

Jeff Kenna Invitational Matchplay scorecard
Shocker: the Seduction manager came close to losing on shots

The Seduction manager’s off-the-pitch troubles continued this weekend at Enfield Golf Club.

The manager lost the Jeff Kenna Invitational Matchplay on Saturday, a fixture he usually wins at a canter.

Pressure from last week’s name change fiasco made itself felt as the ‘Grosvenor Allstars‘ manager carded two doubles and a treble bogey on the back nine.

The slip up allowed the Vasco De Beauvoir manager and last season’s Lokomotiv Tooting manager, who had joined forces, to win the round by a hole.

As his striker banged in three goals, the Vasco manager produced some scintilating golf, including two birdies.

It was only an ugly nine at the 16th that prevented him from beating the Seduction manager on strokes for the first time in years.

The Lokomotiv Tooting manager enjoyed some considerable luck, producing several textbook examples of the member’s bounce.

Managers interested in future Jeff Kenna golfing events should contact the Chairman.

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Seduction name change nightmare

WHAT A BOOB

  • Dan Terry Seduction in name change fiasco

  • Boss ‘failed to woo’ more big names

THE Dan Terry Seduction boss was left out in the cold this week after his board requested the club’s name be changed.

A leaked communique revealed that the boardroom were unhappy with the manager’s choice of team name after a ‘pair of boobs’ on auction night left potential signings turned off.

The cap-in-hand letter to Kenna suits claimed that TWICE the Seduction boss tried to buy players immediately after they were signed by other teams.

The letter goes on to say “after this pair of boobs failed to woo more talent on auction night, we’re having to rebrand the club.

“There’s simply nothing seductive about Dan Terry, or his big boobs.”

A late charm offensive by the under-fire manager was not enough to stop the club changing it’s name to ‘Grosvenor Allstars’.

“We feel that this new bland and unambitious name reflects the true potential of the club,” droned a club statement.

The north London outfit are second from bottom of the league.

A club insider said: “Unless he can get something out of his team soon, the only thing he’ll be courting is disaster.”

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