Lezzers lose libido late on

A playful slime treatment
Spilt milk?: Sporting Lesbian are on the verge of messing it up (photo courtesy of Wet and Messy Photography)

BITING BANS and injury troubles have Kenna League leaders Sporting Lesbian limping towards the line with two weeks left of the football season.

Michu, David Santon, Kieran Gibbs and Maynor Figueroa are all on the physio’s table, a thought that has teammate Luis Suarez lurking nearby with the condiments as he sits out his 10-match ban.

The personnel crisis at Sporting Lesbian is a surprising twist in this term’s final act. In his debut campaign their manager has dominated to such an extent that league investigators claim to have found the ashes of any competition for the title in the living room woodburner of his country cottage.

The door has now been left ajar for defending champions FC Testiculadew. Not dissimilar to the Sporting manager’s debut this time, FCT’s authority over last season’s contest led to their manager being implicated in the ‘Kenna in the bag‘ scandal in April 2012.

In second place for most of the year, the FCT manager is also struggling to get the best from his team as strikers Loic Remy and Dimitar Berbatov rapidly lose interest in proceedings. Over his shoulder a host of clubs are queuing up for the spoils.

Led by Anders Breivik lookalike the Judean Peoples’ Front manager – whose team ironically has one of the worst returns at hitting the target – the chasing pack extends down to the Dynamo Charlton in seventh place.

Pikey Scum in fifteenth would appear most likely to escape a dreary performance with a mid-table finish. Below them two goals from ‘Release’ Bryan Ruiz and a second league notch for Gareth McAuley on the weekend have Vasco De Beauvoir exerting a modicum of pressure on those clubs just above the drop zone.

At the bottom, the Woking manager hasn’t been to work since taking a screen test at Sky Sports News three weeks ago. Surrey Police have appealed for any information related to his whereabouts, although they advise the public not to approach him.

League table

Week 35 - 7 May 2013
Week 35 – 7 May 2013


Weekly scores

Manager Points Goals
1 Just put Carles Carles 46 1
2 Judean Peoples’ Front Sholto 40 0
3 Bala Rinas Lewis 35 1
4 Dynamo Charlton Alex 35 0
5 PSV Mornington El Pons 32 2
6 Vasco De Beauvoir Stix 30 3
7 Lokomotiv Leeds Ben S 30 1
8 Wandsworth Window Lickers Will 28 1
9 Piedmonte Phil 28 0
10 Headless Chickens John N 26 0
11 Newington Reds Dudley 22 1
12 FC Testicluadew James N 22 0
13 Hairy Fadjeetas Aiden 22 0
14 Woking Mike 21 1
15 Greendale Rockets Stu 21 0
16 Spartak Mogadishu Abdi 21 0
17 Still Don’t Know Yet Pete 20 1
18 Pikey Scum Jack 15 1
19 Northern Monkeys Hugo 13 0
20 Sporting Lesbian Ben M 11 0
Points Player
Player of the week 12 Agbonlahor, G – AVL – STR
Club PSV Mornington
Share Button

In too deep

Woking manager Sky Sports News
Never Woking up again: Three days later a dog walker found Natalie Sawyer’s battered corpse on Chobham Common

THE CAR pulled to a stop and he killed the lights. It was late at night and only the glow of the radio illuminated their faces. He turned to her.

“I really need this,” he said over his Genesis CD.

“Look, Mike, it’s not that easy. I can’t just click my fingers and get you a job,” she said nervously. There was no other light around them as far as the eye could see, except the dim red suggestion of the M3 a couple of miles away. He’d seemed so pleasant and well mannered in the studio, but he was different now. He probably didn’t have any rare Brentford Football Club memorabilia to show her.

“But you must be able to,” the tension in his voice was clear. “You’re one of their most popular anchors. The Woking job, that’s over now. The board called me in yesterday.”

She took a deep breath: “Not all ex managers make good pundits. I know you did okay in the screen test today, but there are other factors. Do you know how many former managers we have coming in? Lots of…”

“But I could do it,” he cut in. “I’ve got the experience. To manage a team propping up the league for most of the season, well, it gives you plenty to analyse. It gives you perspective,” he was louder now, and the Home Counties twang he worked so hard to hide was becoming more pronounced.

“We’ve already got a team of well known pundits who the punters love,” she was firmer, and trying to steer the conversation towards getting away from the desolate spot in which she found herself. “They’re not some one-season pony with three worst manager of the month awards and a string of ill-advised signings. They’re household names: Jeff Stelling, Matt Le Tissier, Alan McInally…”

“Screw Alan McInally!” His hands hit the steering wheel in frustration. Her head snapped round to see a wild look in his eyes as he stared into the darkness. His breathing was deep, animal.

“If I don’t get this then there’s nothing,” he continued. “Nothing. I’ve been talking to my agent and there are no offers to manage another club. No job in football’s top flight and my life’s over. You have to get me a job, Natalie.” His knuckles were white. His eye twitched.

“I’d like you to drive me home now,” she made the sound, but it was barely audible. The end of the sentence was swallowed by the realisation that she’d seen Sam for the last time.

He opened the door and stepped into the chill of a Surrey spring night. She became more rigid in her seat as he retrieved something from the boot. In a flash her door was opened.

“Get out!” He shouted. Then without waiting he grabbed her sleek dark hair and dragged her out of the car. She screamed but there was no one to hear. The noise was enveloped by the lonely isolation.

He threw her to ground and stood over her. The lichen was damp and cold against her tights.

“I’ve been patient,” he said, the strain of his team’s poor league performances and early cup exit very much apparent. “But you’re negativity is starting to anger me. You don’t understand. No one understands. You just think the Kenna League is a bunch of guys in the pub doing a fantasy football auction. Do you know how much my back still stings from wearing the Bramble Jersey during the January transfer night? This is serious, more serious than you could ever imagine in your cosy studio.”

“I understand. I agree with you,” she simpered.

“You’re mocking me,” he snarled. Something briefly shined at his side.

“Please, please don’t hurt me,” she sobbed. Tears were streaming from her dark eyes. In places they were beginning to stick hair to the sharp curves of her Slavic features.

The open car door was the only window of light in the wide open space of the dark heathland, made blacker still by the overcast and starless night sky. Not even an owl hooted.

The melancholy voice of Phil Collins coming from the radio drifted over the purple flowering heather and sweet scented gorse, punctuated by 17 blows from a socket wrench.

Coloured performance chart

MOTM Augst 2012 - March 2013
Coloured performance chart – August 2012 to March 2013

Cup results

Canesten Combi Cup semi final first leg

Still Don’t Know Yet 1 – 2 Just Put Carles
van Persie                              Maloney, Arteta

Spartak Mogadishu 0 – 0 FC Testiculadew

Second leg to be played 30 April.

League table

Week 32 - 16 April 2013
Week 32 – 16 April 2013

Weekly scores

Manager Points Goals
1 Vasco De Beauvoir Stix 32 1
2 Pikey Scum Jack 28 1
3 Newington Reds Dudley 27 1
4 Sporting Lesbian Ben M 26 2
5 Lokomotiv Leeds Ben S 25 1
6 Still Don’t Know Yet Pete 24 1
7 Woking Mike 24 0
8 Just put Carles Carles 23 2
9 Spartak Mogadishu Abdi 22 0
10 Bala Rinas Lewis 21 1
11 Piedmonte Phil 21 1
12 Hairy Fadjeetas Aiden 19 0
13 PSV Mornington El Pons 19 0
14 Dynamo Charlton Alex 18 1
15 Wandsworth Window Lickers Will 17 1
16 Greendale Rockets Stu 17 0
17 Northern Monkeys Hugo 14 0
18 FC Testicluadew James N 12 0
19 Judean Peoples’ Front Sholto 12 0
20 Headless Chickens John N 10 0
Points Player
Player of the week 10 Sessegnon, S – SUN – MID
Club Newington Reds
Share Button