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AS ROMAN Abramovich composes his classified ad for the Russian oligarch equivalent of Autotrader (‘millions spent, could run well for another year or so’), another season of domestic football draws to a close.
For the sake of posterity (and to make room on the homepage for the upcoming Emmanuel Olisadebe European Cup), the final league standings for 2011/12 can be found below.
LIKE KING Kenny’s chances of being down with the kids of Brixton, the season is well and truly over.
To complement January’s big mid-season review, the Kenna has added the second half’s performance chart to the mix (below).
Back in early January, Lokomotiv Leeds had enjoyed a prosperous Christmas and dislodged FC Testiculadew from the top of the table.
FCT’s response was emphatic.
Producing what will probably turn out to be one of the highest-scoring months in Kenna history, Wayne Rooney & co were so rampant for the first four weeks of the calendar year that their manager wasn’t even inclined to attend the February transfer window.
Having lost Yaya Touré to the battlefields of Africa, Lokomotiv’s form nosedived in January and February, leaving FCT to sail over the line.
Meanwhile at the other end, Polonia Forsyth didn’t exceed average performance for the entire season.
Lurliners, Vasco De Beauvoir and the Dan Terry Seduction almost joined them.
So what does the aristocrat of Match of the Day punditry make of all this?
“Pace. Power. Determination. FC Testiculadew have it all in hatfuls.
“Solid at the back. Tight in midfield. When they get the ball in the final third, they’ve got that killer pass that makes all the difference.
“If I were to describe them in one word, it would be ‘quality’.
“When I was at Liverpool…”
We’re sure Alan will be back to provide some more insightful analysis in the near future.
EDIN Dzeko and Wayne Rooney both netted on the last day of the season to help FC Testiculadew win a historic double.
In his debut Kenna season, the FCT manager picked up the Cannestan Combi Cup on the final day, sweeping aside sibling rival the Headless Chickens boss.
FCT added the cup to their league title, where their dominance and the rest of the table’s complete capitulation led to an official inquiry being opened.
“It’s an itch I’ve been dying to scratch since Christmas. The feeling when you win the Kenna, it’s pretty special, like the smell of mown grass on a spring day or finding a cream that can really alleviate the symptoms,” said a jubilant FCT manager, who’ll scoop a combined prize total of £190, without counting manager of the month awards.
The Lokomotiv Leeds manager, another debutant and the only serious challenger to FCT, took second place 119 points behind.
“The £57 prize will go a long way towards rejuvenating the squad over the summer,” said the Leeds manager, who looks unlikely to be able to retain the services of Victor Moses for the £3m he paid last summer.
Kenna veteran the Newington Reds manager came third, winning £19.
Defending Kenna champion the Young Boys of Kilburn gaffer finished fourth.
FCT become the second club in history to take the double. The only other club to achieve that feat, Vasco De Beauvoir, finished the season just one place above relegation.
The managers of the Dan Terry Seduction, Thieving Magpies and Polonia Forsyth all collected their P45s.
“In the end the league got a little predictable, but in many ways this was a fantastic season. Special mention has to the go to the Spartak Mogadishu manager. It all looked lost back in October when he picked up Turkey of the Month, but he’s finished the season just outside the top four – remarkable considering his haphazard bidding technique,” said the Chairman to the gathered masses from the balcony of Kenna HQ.
Everyone else finished mid-table.
January to May’s manager of the month awards, player of the week tallies and Alan Hansen’s coloured performance chart will be published later in the week, to go with the stats from the first half of the season.
JOSE Mourinho is facing fierce criticism over his tactics in Real Madrid’s victory over Barcelona last night.
The Portuguese is sure to be unsettled by comments made in the wake of the away win by the PSV Mornington manager.
The Catalan put aside recent hostilities with his fellow countryman and gave a resigned press conference at the club’s Crescent stadium
“Yesterday evening it happened that Real Madrid played with 11 players behind the ball – something that should not honour a team with nine European cups – and were lucky enough to get two goals from three shots on target.
“I know, Barcelona did not have that many yesterday, but they had the ball just in front of their [Real Madrid’s] box for 80 per cent of the match, so normally this would mean a Barcelona win,” said the Catalan with a comical look on his face after Total Football’s insides had been kicked out for the second time in four days.
“Anyway, this happens in football, they have played us this way, very mean, for the last 10 matches and just got one win yesterday, one win in the extra time and eight losses – including 2-6, 5-0 and 1-3.”
Usually confident ahead of such fixtures, the PSV boss will endure a nailbiting 48 hours ahead of Barcelona’s ill-fated Champions League second leg with Chelsea.
HOSTILITIES have been declared between the Kenna’s Barcelona contingent.
The knives were out in ‘La Liga Latina’ after early-season front runners Just Put Carles dipped to thirteenth in the table, one place below fierce Catalan rivals PSV Mornington.
Comments made by the JPC manager at a post-match interview on Wednesday evening ignited the row.
“N’hi ha per llogar-hi cadires!” fumed the JPC boss, in a language only a handful of people understand, when asked what it was like to be below PSV for the first time in the season.
Yesterday morning’s front cover of Sport, Catalonia’s best-selling sports daily, featured a cartoon depicting the PSV boss trying to lure passers by into an empty stadium.
“Tallo el bacallà!”
The PSV manager’s response was unequivocal. Interviewed through the window of his Continental city car arriving at work yesterday he said: “Sabràs dos i dos quants fan. Està tocat del bolet. Tallo el bacallà!”
By Thursday lunchtime, the quote was all over the news. Photoshopped pictures of the JPC boss eating cod and mushrooms went viral.
“Ets un somiatruites i un tap de bassa!,” said the JPC manager emerging from his afternoon siesta when quizzed by reporters about his rival Catalan’s comments.
Late Thursday evening, the PSV boss was forced to abandon his customary, midnight, family paella to address the rabble of hacks assembled outside his house.
“No sabeu el pa que s’hi dóna,” is all he would explain to Sky Sports News while eating a suspiciously-large piece of nougat and making a flicking gesture with his thumb and front teeth.
Even though just five points separate the two teams, both managers repeatedly refuse to acknowledge they are in a ‘Mexican stand-off’ for 12th place.
They outrageously claim the British media are ‘portraying negative stereotypes of Hispanic culture’.
As the Kenna moves into the final month of the season, the spat appears far from over.
Quick guide to Catalan idiomsFor more information about Catalan idioms and the region itself visit All about Catalonia.
IT WAS the best of times, it was the worst of times.
It was the £500k of wisdom, it was the £13m of foolishness.
It was the of 10 goals and assist of belief, it was the two goals and red card of incredulity.
It was the 76 points of Light, it was the 15 points of Darkness.
It was the spring of Spartak Mogadishu, it was the winter of Pikey Scum.
We had a league renaissance before us, we had a quarter-final cup exit behind us.
We were all going direct to Heaven, we were all going direct the other way.
In short, the period showed that Papiss had so utterly outclassed Dijbrial since their January arrival in the Kenna, that some of its noisiest authorities insisted, for good or for evil, the name Cissé was in the superlative degree of comparison only.
FC Testiculadew 54 – 36 PSV Mornington
Headless Chickens 28 – 34 Hairy Fadjeetas
