Kenna’s first ever cash-plus-player deal

MANUEL Lanzini and Stewart Downing became the first footballers in Kenna League history to be part of a cash-plus-player deal, it has emerged.

Two managerial debutants unwittingly made the transaction at last month’s transfer window to set a new precedent, which has left one of them is left with egg on his face.

Attending his maiden transfer night the Two Goals One Cup manager rung the changes releasing five players including the 1.5-points-per-week Lanzini.

The So Good They Named Him Twice manager couldn’t make the window so released the 2.75-points-per-week Stewart Downing and bid via broadcasting app Periscope.

While So Good signed Lanzini for £8m, Two Goals picked up Downing for twelve.

They have effectively conducted the league’s first cash-plus-player deal – Lanzini plus £4m for Downing.

Since then ‘makeweight’ Lanzini has pulled up his socks to score at 2.7-points-per-week.

Downing has slowed considerably to an average of 1.9.

“Well, well. This is troubling,” said the Two Goals One Cup manager this morning outside the club’s Rimmer’s Way stadium.

Downing: his sorrows

For Kenna veterans, it was little surprise to see Stewart Downing become the first player take part in such an arrangement.

Managers under pressure or looking for quick wins at transfer windows regularly use Downing as a scapegoat.

In just over five years, the winger has been signed on 10 separate occasions by Kenna managers.

That includes a term when he was unavailable in the second tier, and another when his August employer naffed off around the world for a few months without bothering to conduct any transfer business for the rest of season.

It’s also not the first record Downing’s set. In the 2013/14 season he is believed to have become the first player to appear for three different clubs.

Narcozep Cup group stage – after two rounds

Narcozep Cup standings - 22 November 2016
Narcozep Cup standings – 22 November 2016


Kenna table – week 12

Full scores and tables can be downloaded from The Rub.

Kenna table week 12 - 22 November 2016
Kenna table week 12 – 22 November 2016
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Stewart Downing leaves managers frowning

Stewart Downing
“Released? What, again?”

POOR Stewart Downing.

His only crime was to have a left foot and enough talent to get him into the top flight of domestic football.

Yet coming of age at a time when the English public were dreaming of a world class left winger to solve all the problems of the national side, his inferiority to the likes of a Ryan Giggs, a Leo Messi or even a Diego Maradonna, has brought Stewart into the firing line for much criticism over matters completely out of his control.

All of which means that while Kenna managers may appreciate Downing is a regular starter, they are also quick to blame him when things aren’t going well.

His demeanour doesn’t help. Constantly looking like a small boy at an information desk awkwardly hearing his own name being read out over the shopping centre tannoy and dreading the moment his relieved mother makes a tearful reunion now the school bully has clocked him while out for a spot of shoplifting, Stewart’s expression appears to invite contempt.

This season Downing is the only player to appear for three different Kenna teams, having found himself released at both transfer windows.

Bought for £9.5m by Judean Peoples’ Front at the August auction, the winger overcame injury and settling in to West Ham to only score at an average of 1.33 points a week. Downing found himself released at the October transfer window.

The Newington Reds manager snaffled Downing for half a million pounds and throughout autumn, Christmas and January he scored at a very creditable three points a week. League leaders FC Testiculadew have seen their players score at 2.9 points a week on average this campaign.

A Liverpool fan, perhaps it was the Newington Reds manager’s memory of that season of no goals and no assists, but he saw fit to jettison Downing at the February window.

Northern Monkeys picked up the winger for the nominal £0.5m, and have seen him continue that form to score at 2.67 points a week.

What was the Reds manager’s midfield doing while his former player was helping Monkeys to the Canesten Combi Cup semi final?

Assembled for £13m at that raucous night in The Enterprise, the trio of Nathan Redmond, Adnan Januzaj and Oussama Assiadi have scored just two more points between them than Downing.

“The nine-year trophy hunt for Reds continues,” said the chairman, his PhD in hindsight neatly framed on his Kenna HQ office wall.

Stewart Downing’s season

Judean Peoples’ Front – £9.5m – six weeks / eight points – 1.33 point a week

Newington Reds – £0.5m – 13 weeks / 39 points – 3 points a week

Northern Monkeys – £0.5m – nine weeks / 24 points – 2.67 points a week

Newington Reds replacement midfield:

Redmond – £0.5m – 12 points

Januzaj – £12m – 11 points

Assaidi – £0.5m – 3 points

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Woking fingered in Europol match fix probe

Bramble jersey handover 1Feb13 anon
Funny looking brown envelope: The Woking manager (right) accepts the Bramble jersey at Friday’s transfer window

WOKING emerged from the transfer window in the unsavoury spotlight of the match fixing allegations sweeping Europe.

The struggling club’s truly lacklustre debut season left Europol with little doubt that an Asian betting syndicate must be involved.

Handed the Bramble jersey at Friday night’s transfer window for being last-placed in the Kenna League, the Woking manager insisted there was nothing fishy going on at the club.

“I’ve just been unlucky in the transfer market,” said the Woking boss, who only has Leighton Baines left from his original eleven in August. “Who are Europol anyway? They sound like something from a second-rate sci-fi movie. What are they doing to do? Come after me with Judge Dread and Commander Worf?”

However, the European Union’s law enforcement agency dropped the charges soon after discovering that, amongst other glaring examples of tactical shortsightedness, Shane Long had scored just hours after being ditched by the Woking manager.

Rob Wainwright, director of Europol, said: “Having investigated Woking in more detail we’ve come the conclusion that the manger’s ineptitude excuses him of any wrongdoing. He’s bought Stewart Downing, for crying out loud.”

League table

Week 23 - 5 February 2013
Week 23 – 5 February 2013

Weekly scores

Manager Points Goals
1 Piedmonte Phil 50 4
2 Wandsworth Window Lickers Will 39 2
3 Vasco De Beauvoir Stix 36 2
4 Bala Rinas Lewis 34 1
5 PSV Mornington El Pons 33 2
6 Judean Peoples’ Front Sholto 33 0
7 Newington Reds Dudley 30 3
8 Just put Carles Carles 30 1
9 Northern Monkeys Hugo 28 2
10 Spartak Mogadishu Abdi 26 2
11 Sporting Lesbian Ben M 26 1
12 Lokomotiv Leeds Ben S 23 0
13 Dynamo Charlton Alex 21 0
14 Still Don’t Know Yet Pete 20 1
15 Woking Mike 20 0
16 Pikey Scum Jack 19 1
17 FC Testicluadew James N 18 0
18 Hairy Fadjeetas Aiden 16 0
19 Headless Chickens John N 15 0
20 Greendale Rockets Stu 13 1
Points Player
Player of the week 12 Fellaini, M – EVE – MID
Club Wandsworth Window Lickers


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Pikey Scum

Manager: Jack (Hampshire)

Since: 2005 (co-founder and committee member – charts and graphs)

Last season: 9th

Trophy cabinet: Cup at some point (best league finish – 5th in 2010/11), 2006 Claudio Caniggia World Cup winner

Sympathies: Spurs

Darts music: I’m A Pikey – Enrique Iglesias

Outlook: With the exception of £8m Stewart Downing, the Pikey manager seems to have assembled a side capable of making a first successful assault on the title. Will have a tough decision come the first transfer window, when he’ll have to jettison either Bale or Adebayor

No Brambles.

Vorm, M SWA £9.5m
Jones, P MUN £12m
Huth, R STO £5m
Cahill, G CHE £7.5m
Boyce, E WIG £0.5m
Allen, J LIV £10m
Walcott, T ARS £15m
Granero, E APR £0.5m
Brunt, C WBA £4m
Anichebe, V EVE £5m
Fletcher, S SUN £30m
 Total £99m

Second transfer window – 1 February 2013

Out     In
De Ridder, S (B) SOT £15m Allen, J LIV £10m
El Ahmadi, K AVL £3m Granero, E QPR £0.5m
Pogrebnyak, P REA £8.5m Anichebe, V EVE £5m

First transfer window – 26 October 2012

Out     In
de Gea, D MUN £19m Vorm, M SWA £9.5m
Sagna, B ARS £11m Jones, P MUN £12m
Bale, G TOT £30m De Ridder, S (B) SOT £15m
Downing, S LIV £8m Walcott, T ARS £15m
Adebayor, E TOT £0.5m Fletcher, S SUN £30m
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Torres comes prematurely for Fadjeetas cup hopes

Touched: Religion has played a key role for Torres

FERNANDO Torres finally had his prayers answered but his exalted performance may have come a week too early.

Two goals, two assists and a first player-of-the-week award from the £27.5m Spaniard put Hairy Fadjeetas top of this week’s scoring charts.

A goal, assist and clean sheet from Jonny Evans and a goal and assist from Stewart Downing completed the rout.

“Typical, my team’s best showing all season comes a week early. I just hope Fernando’s form remains,” said the Fadges boss ahead of his side’s crunch quarter-final second leg against Dynamo Charlton.

Nine points separate the teams after the first leg.

Only one of the quarter-final ties looks like a foregone conclusion after Pikey Scum’s first leg demolition 49 – 16 by Headless Chickens.

Due to technical issues at Kenna HQ the latest table is only available by downloading the spreadsheet in the ‘details’ box.

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Release Bryan!

Life of Brian
Impediment: Ruiz and Torres are struggling up front

BRYAN Ruiz yet again failed to make an impact for Hairy Fadjeetas, but it didn’t stop his new club snatching the initiative in the first leg of the cup quarter finals.

Despite showing sparks of promise, the Costan Rican has failed to convince the mob.

The unfancied Fadges had to rely on a Matthew Etherington goal and a Stewart Downing assist to give them the edge over a dismal Dynamo Charlton.

“We just need to get the ball to Bryan in attacking positions,” said the Hairy Fadjeetas boss, forgetting that he’s been trying that with Fernando Torres since August.

Widely regarded as stragglers in the league, where they lie just 15 points from the bottom, Fadjeetas have been tearing up the form book in the cup.

Should they progress to the semis they’ll likely face Pavel Pogrebnyak’s Headless Chickens, who thumped a flimsy Pikey Scum.

Facile boast

In the other half of the draw, the Young Boys manager is preparing to eat his ‘Easy! Easy!’ tweets after losing first-leg ground to PSV Mornington.

Outstanding performances from Alex Song, Danny Murphy and Jermaine Defoe meant the Catalan boss was savouring his turrón and ratafia cocktail come Sunday night.

“Métetelo por el culo,” he said, when asked about Andy Carroll’s form.

A tough semi final against FC Testiculadew or Newington Reds awaits.

Quarter final leg one results
Quarter final leg one results
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