Life in the gutter: Razvan Rat looks likely to be released from the Kenna League ahead of this Friday’s transfer window (photo courtesy of gynti_46)
RAZVAN Rat is one of eleven players likely to be jettisoned by his club tomorrow as Kenna League managers prepare for this Friday’s transfer window.
The Romanian defender was signed by Dynamo Charlton in August for £3m, but will surely be given the heave ho having been told to scurry away from the Premier League last week.
Another disappointed rat will be the Dulwich Red Sox manager, who sees his £24m striker Dimitar Berbatov slouch off to the French Riviera.
The Still Don’t Know Yet manager was also given plenty more to complain about as the £20m pair of Yohan Cabaye and Danny Graham went their separate ways.
Floundering at 16th in the Kenna table, the under-pressure manager is the subject of an investigation from the league’s manager experiences department after being caught up in a vicious Twitter rant at the chairman.
Meanwhile, four managers find themselves Titus Bramble tied – they now have two players from the same Premier League club and must release one tomorrow.
FC Testiculadew will surely keep Juan Mata over Rafael, but three other managers find some pretty tough choices to make.
As well as a rat, or lack of a rat, problem, the Dynamo manager has the humdinger of picking between striker Peter Odemwingie and defender Erik Pieters, now both plying their trade in the potteries.
Anders Brievik lookalike the Judean Peoples’ Front manager must choose between goalkeeper Allan McGregor or striker Nikica Jelavic. McGregor’s red card makes it likely the Croat will stay.
Bottom-of-the-table PSV Mornington, now being managed by a cardboard cut out of Pep Guardiola since the former boss was sacked just before Christmas, will probably keep regular starter Leroy ‘The Bouncer’ Fer over a crocked Jonas Gutierrez.
Cheerio
Dimitar Berbatov (£24m) – Dulwich Red Sox
Yohan Cabaye (£11), Danny Graham (£9m) – Still Don’t Know Yet
Bryan Ruiz (£14m) – KS West Green
Razvan Rat (£3m) – Dynamo Charlton
Philipe Senderos (£2m) – Pikey Scum
Danny Osvaldo (£1.5m) – Newington Green
Bramble tied
FC Testiculadew – Juan Mata or Rafael
PSV Mornington – Jonas Gutierrez or Leroy Fer
Dynamo Charlton – Peter Odemwingie or Erik Pieters
Judean Peoples’ Front – Allan McGregor or Nikica Jelavic
Built like an Alp and ridged like a Toblerone: What forecourt sales patter will charm Kenna managers ahead of this Friday’s transfer window?
‘There’s never been a better time to change your car.’
A lifetime ago when the Kenna chairman prowled the forecourt of a provincial dealership of premium German cars, this was the mantra of the managing director.
He said the phrase so often one likely mechanic went as far as to suggest the MD uttered it to his wife ‘before slipping her one’.
There was much sniggering and raised eyebrows, but after a while the penny dropped. As an opening pitch it was cast iron. It could woo any customer.
Those just browsing were suddenly reminded their current car was losing value every day. Those seriously looking were gently spurred towards the dotted line. Those salivating over the garish demonstrator with all the knobs and buttons whole-heartedly agreed.
But there was an overriding reason this phrase worked so well: everyone turns up to a premium German car dealership in a car.
It seems obvious, but whether it’s another prestige motor, a mass market Volkswagen or a clapped out Ford Scorpio, everyone visiting a premium German car showroom has one thing in common: they’re thinking of an upgrade.
And many are dreamers. If they were shopping for a drive within their means and with hard science, they would be in a Kia garage.
And that’s why shiny foreign cars and are like shiny foreign footballers.
When it comes to those big-money signings, clubs are always looking for an upgrade. They want to say to their fans and to their rivals ‘look at us, we mean business, we’re up there with the best’.
Just like some pinstripe at the top of his game would rather turn up to that important meeting in a BMW 7-series rather than a Kia Ceed.
The Kenna League transfer window takes place this Friday night. Managers will gather in The Enterprise on Red Lion Street looking to inject some fresh football talent into their teams.
Over the last month a selection of shiny foreign imports have filtered into England’s top flight.
Who will Kenna managers go after? Who will fetch the most money at auction?
Of course, there’s no sure way of telling how successful a silky continental striker will be in the Kenna. Take Dani Osvaldo – a failure sure to be released by Newington Reds by Wednesday’s Kenna deadline.
So when it comes to the auction – three pints of strong lager on an empty stomach, the pressure of getting results by May – Kenna managers aren’t going for the Kia Ceed. They don’t care about fuel consumption or seven-year guarantees. They want a Beamer with all the trimmings, with ‘skin, wind and bark’.
Like a car showroom full of eager sales executives, the media is full of managers, new team mates and former teammates expounding the virtues of their latest delivery.
Now is the time that Kenna managers must choose between the flattery and the pad, because that hour of shooting from the hip in the pub on Friday night will define the rest of their season.
There’s never been a better time to change your car.
Strikers
Konstantinos Mitroglu (Fulham): “Eric Cantona was a great, great player – one of the best, but Konstantinos is very strong. I remember watching Cantona on television and he was holding the ball up – that’s the type of player Konstantinos is.” Roy Carroll, former teammate at Olympiakos.
Marco Boriello (West Ham) – “It’s not too difficult to say what we want from Marco – that’s goals and Italian flair.” Sam Allardyce.
Luke De Jong (Newcastle) – ‘He’s a great character and a proven goalscorer who I know is very keen to replicate the prolific form he showed for FC Twente in the Eredivisie.’ Joe Kinnear.
Midfielders
Aiden McGeady (Everton) – “The first time I saw Aiden was in 2007 in an Old Firm game against Rangers. He was special. He was a match winner, playing with his socks down. I love a player who is as good in one-versus-one situations as Aiden.” Roberto Martinez.
Anotnio Nocerino (West Ham) – “Antonio is a link between defence and forward play that makes us more creative in possession and more resilient when we’re out of it.” Sam Allardyce.
Mohamed Salah (Chelsea) – “He reminds me of Robben, the way he plays going from the right wing but going inside left-footed. I hope he is going to be important for us.” Jose Mourinho.
Nemanja Matic (Chelsea) – “Nemanja’s a spider, stealing balls and the way he runs and moves.” Branislav Ivanovic.
Magnus Wolff Eikram (Cardiff) – “He’s a playmaker, a quarterback if you will, someone who likes to get on the ball and can see a pass.” Ole Gunnar Solskjaer.
Kim Kallstrom (Arsenal) – “We identified he would be injured for four to six weeks, so they will pay him for the first six weeks of his wages. There’s a possibility he will not play, but also a possibility he will score a vital winning goal.” Arsene Wenger.
Defenders
Kurt Zouma (Chelsea) – “He’s a player with big potential, physically ready. One thing is to be physically ready, another thing is to be tactically ready. Well done Chelsea.” Jose Mourinho.
Marcos Alonso (Sunderland) – “I watch a lot of Spanish football and I saw him play for Real Madrid. When he joined Bolton, it surprised me.” Gus Poyet.
Red mist: Afterwards the mood changed dramatically when he realised the player he’d just bought was out injured for the rest of the season
IT HAS never been remarked upon that any team won a top-level football league because they ‘transfer windowed well’.
In the brief hiatus between the end of the season in May and the start of the World Cup in June, whoever the winners are will be noted for their long-term strategy, the conviction instilled into the team by the manager and most of all their luck.
They may have signed a useful player in January who immediately gels with his teammates, but that will only be a footnote in the side’s chronicle of success.
The Kenna League takes pride in reflecting this particular nuance of modern football. In every Kenna season to date, the winning manager’s preparations in the summer, his approach to the auction, the core of team purchased therein and good fortune, has decided the campaign.
That’s not to say that transfer windows are obsolete, despite the Pikey Scum manager’s claim today that his Senderos/Jenkinson swap in the last window was like ‘rearranging the deckchairs the Titanic’. To remain competitive Kenna managers must ensure their peripheral players are making appearances – it’s little surprise that three of the bottom four managers didn’t attend the October window.
Transfer windows are as integral to the Kenna League manager as they are to the Premier League manager, but for the most part of the season they must both rely on the finite resources at their disposal.
Which is why other, much less exclusive fantasy football competitions have got it wrong.
If any manager wants to remind himself of the superiority of the Kenna all he needs to do is enter the ‘official’ Fantasy Premier League.
At this point it would easy to list the many faults of this contest, that everyone ends up with pretty much the same players in their team, the ridiculousness of picking a captain and vice captain each week, the folly and oversight of not giving prominence to manager darts entrance music, but the argument will be kept to one strain – transfers.
The season is one long transfer window. The manager is essentially picking his team from one squad of every player in the Premier League. No player is off limits. How does that mirror the game?
Of course, the banner advertising on each page hints at why the FPL wants ‘managers’ to keeping checking back on their selections for the upcoming week. The Kenna suffers from no such obstacle to improving manager experience, as the trifling amount of visits to these pages testify.
But satisfying sponsors at the expense of sophistication is nothing compared to FPL’s single biggest foible.
The crucial period of the FPL manager’s week is time between Friday morning and Saturday lunchtime, between squads being announced for the weekend’s fixtures and the cut off point for making changes to your team.
So why does the chairman kick himself every week five minutes into the Saturday early game on the Kenna HQ kitchen radio? Because for any self-respecting Kenna manager this 36-hour ‘transfer window’ is dedicated to planning, executing and recovering from a Friday evening’s entertainment after the working week.
Almost exactly a third of the way through the season it’s a welcome reminder of why the Kenna was founded, and why the preferred time for the next Kenna transfer window is a Friday night.
It’s also the best way to explain why the chairman is bottom of every FPL league he’s entered.
Canesten Combi Cup – group stage standings after two match weeks
Whodunnit: The Still Don’t Know Yet manager claims mystery injuries kept him from the transfer window. Kenna HQ has denied any wrongdoing (photo courtesy of Vicki12692)
PROTESTS have flooded into the homely surrounds of Kenna HQ following calls for a cull of managers.
The deluge comes after it had been suggested in some quarters that team bosses are more interested in lifting shirts than silverware. Saturday saw the poorest turnout at a Kenna transfer window in years.
Speaking through an electrolarynx he said: “It was a Friday night drinking injury that caused my Kenna non-attendance, not a lack of commitment. I’ve got a big fat lip and a face that has swollen out of all proportions.”
Saying that he “probably fell” and that the night was a “bit blank”, the SDKY chief, who has had well-publicised disagreements with Kenna hierarchy in the past, added: “The timing is a bit too convenient if you ask me. It looks like some kind of Kenna dirty tricks campaign to keep me from the title.”
SDKY currently occupy 17th position in the league table, just four places above the relegation zone.
Kenna HQ indicated managers failing to attend the February transfer window could be subject to increased entry fees next season.
THE KENNA’S sexuality has been called into question as just eight managers turned out for the first transfer window of the season – a record low since the league expanded to double figures.
And in scenes reminiscent of the graveyard shift at BBC World only a handful of players changed hands in the first two hours of the event on the upper floor of a south London boozer.
Fans’ groups are now demanding root and branch reform at Kenna HQ starting with a cull of ‘otherwise engaged’ bosses.
The league quickly cranked its PR machine in to gear in an attempt to deflect the criticism, with the St Reatham FC boss fronting the backlash.
Skyping in from Woking he said: “We’re all 110 per cent fully committed to the Kenna, but Saturdays are difficult with so many distractions.
“I’m sorry but I’ve got to go now, my mum says dinner is ready and Strictly is on in half an hour.”
Kenna chiefs have yet to comment on the debacle but a source close to the league said: “This is yet another example of useless Kenna blazers losing the plot. Even the 50p game was so embarrassed it only made a brief appearance.”
Groaning: The Kenna HQ doormat struggles under the weight of transfer requests
ROYAL Mail chiefs last night warned of further disruption to services after the Kenna transfer window was blamed for bringing the postal system to the brink of collapse.
Managers notifying the league of their unwanted players by mail ahead of tomorrow’s first transfer window caused an unprecedented surge in correspondence.
As of this morning, Kenna HQ has received 11 letters from managers eager to get their hands on the £10m transfer kitty bonus for getting their requests in by post before today’s deadline. The volume of mail is expected to double today.
The £10m bonus will be added to the remaining funds from managers’ £100m budget from the Kenna pre-season auction. Gathered in the pub tomorrow at 3pm, the managers will bid against each other over unsigned footballers at the transfer auction to fill the gaps in their teams.
The league chairman said: “This is the top, top, top level of football in the world and managers are keen to give themselves the best advantage as they look to freshen up their teams heading into winter. There’s a long way to go to the second, and last, transfer window of the season in February.
“I can confirm that I received a telephone call from the Royal Mail chairman Donald Brydon CBE who begged me to change Kenna rules since additional strain was being put on their services. It seems the volume of under-performing footballers’ names being sent by post was interrupting deliveries of vital, lifesaving equipment.
“I said to him ‘Don, calm down, it’s not like anyone’s lost a kidney. Also, stop using the phone, it’s bad for your business’.
“The call ended well. We’re playing golf next week.”
Photos of managers posting their submissions have flooded social media sites. A prize will be awarded for the best offerings. Here’s a pick of the entries so far:
Going postal: Anders Breivik lookalike the Judean Peoples’ Front manager misuses the cricket-loving company dwarfSeeing red: The Still Don’t Know Yet manager shakes his fist at ‘the ivory tower‘Instant forfeit: The Young Boys manager owes the Kenna committee a round of drinks at tomorrow’s transfer window for using official London 2012 brandingPR opp: The St Reatham FC manager attempts to rebuild his public image after being plagued by unsavoury allegations earlier this yearQueen of football clubs: Her Maj is pressed into service by league leader the Headless Chickens managerPitcher and Piano: The Team Panda Rules OK manager advertises the poor choice of pubs in Berkshire’s county townCock and balls: FC Testiculadew stationery adheres to strict brand guidelinesKnit: The Hairy Fadjeetas managerRide of his life: The Judean Peoples’ Front manager felt it appropriate to include this photo with his transfer request
Don’t matter if you’re black or white. Or eight: Nani could face the door at Team Panda Rules OK for his statuesque performances (photo courtesy of thesparrowman)
THE MICHAEL Jackson statue removed from Craven Cottage last week is being lined up as a like-for-like replacement for Nani ahead of this Saturday’s first Kenna transfer window.
The Portuguese winger has failed to make an impact for Kenna newbies Team Panda Rules OK and the manager is taking no prisoners.
“That shabby tribute to the King of Pop has shown as much movement this season as, well, that shabby tribute to the King of Pop,” complained the Panda manager, as he prepared to table a bid for the statue to owner Mohamed Al-Fayed.
The Egyptian business magnate declined to comment.
This desperation is just the tip of the iceberg in the Kenna as managers prepare for the new format of transfer window on the weekend.
Having bought eleven players each at the pre-season auction, the window is one of only two chances in the campaign for managers to freshen up their teams. A second window is held in early February.
Club’s will release unwanted players by Friday before representatives congregate in the pub to fill their teams at auction.
Aaron Ramsey, Mesut Ozil, Ross Barkley and Morgan Amalfitano are among the unsigned players whose form will see them top manager’s shopping lists.
In the league, Headless Chickens maintained their lead at the top of the table this week with more goals from Yaya Toure and Gylfi Sigurdsson.
Luis Suarez’s two-goal return has lifted This is Sparta…Prague off the bottom of the table.
Rough guide to the transfer window
Notify the league of the players you want to release by Friday to get a bonus.
You will get a £10m bonus for submitting your released players by post to Kenna HQ, or £5m for doing so by any other means of communication.
You start the transfer night with the money you have left from your initial £100m, plus any bonus from getting your transfers in on time.
To begin with, auction lots will be drawn at random from the pot of released players.
Whatever your released player fetches at auction will be added to your funds.
The Titus Bramble ruling applies. Any manager without funds to fill their team spending the minimum of £0.5m on each player will have their most expensive player removed.
If no one buys your released player you can either keep them or let them go on a free. However, if someone buys that player later in the window you will get whatever is paid for them.
Once all the released players have gone to auction, a set number of available players will be auctioned in order of most points scored.
Once the set list is exhausted, managers with gaps in their teams to fill will take it in turns to introduce remaining players to auction.
Each manager has one wildcard that can be played at any time during the transfer window.
The wildcard allows you to release any player in your team at a moment’s notice.
You will not receive a bonus if you do not release any players.
’10 for that you must be mad’: Players’ true market values will be reflected at transfer windows
PLANS to introduce a new open market system to Kenna transfer windows were unveiled today.
In what league blazers have smugly branded ‘Jeff’s transfer bazaar’, managers selling players in the season’s two windows will only receive what another club is prepared to pay for them. Previously, managers received the price they’d paid for a player.
The Chalkstripes in Kenna HQ’s speculations department predict the move will introduce a new dimension to the league, with less money sloshing around windows than last season and individual performance deciding a player’s value.
The announcement comes comes 11 days before the annual Kenna auction, where managers will gather in the pub to buy their teams ahead of the English football season.
In a press conference this afternoon in the saloon bar of the King’s Arms in Waterloo, the chairman said: “Managers will have to be a lot more wary of who they outlay the big money on at the auction. You don’t want to be stuck with a £30m out-of-sorts Andy Carroll on your hands, or even worse a Titus Bramble forfeit player.”
A top secret brochure of players to be sold in set order will be distributed to managers immediately before the auction starts – a move away from the traditional method of managers taking turns to pick players at random.
The chairman has hit back at critics of the plan, who think it will lead to less spontaneity: “To improve the auction experience, every manager will have one wildcard pick each, so that they can introduce a player of their own choosing at any stage of the auction.
“Five selected lots will be sold in a first-price sealed bid auction – where potential buyers will secretly write down their maximum bid, with the highest winning.”
No indication was made of who exactly the forfeit players would be for the auction, but Kenna HQ did confirm a 23-strong squad.
Made up of 11 young or loaned out Premier League footballers (The Bramble Youth) and 11 high-profile individuals who have earned notoriety off the pitch (Titus Bramble’s Pub XI), the Titus Bramble squad will be used as bogey players for managers breaking the rules.
Daniel Sturridge and Jordan Henderson having a ‘siesta off’ to prove their worth to the Just Put Carles manager.
The Sporting Lesbian boss interrupted with news of the fast approaching transfer window during a game of bowls on Plymouth Hoe dismissing concern with the words: “We have time to finish our game of bowls and defeat the Spanish.”
These are some of the things that could be happening this morning as managers rush to get their players released to Kenna HQ ahead of today’s noon deadline.
Come Friday night it’ll be game faces ‘on’ for the second and final transfer window of the season before clubs make their assault on the title / relegation survival / mid-table mediocrity (delete as appropriate).
Top-performing unsigned players, and a few new faces, are listed below. As everyone steels themselves ahead of Friday the question hanging in the air is: just who will walk away with Emmanuel Pogatetz?
Strikers
Hernandez (MUN, 89)
Le Fondre (REA, 87)
Benteke (AVL, 83)
Shaun Maloney (WIG, 64)
Di Santo (WIG, 62)
Kenna HQ is issuing protective equipment to managers until the England post is filled
Fabio Capello plunged domestic matters into chaos this week by resigning from the England post.
As managers tried to galvanise their teams after the transfer window, rolling sports news went into an unsettling overdrive.
The FC Testiculadew boss was the first to have his south London home surrounded by roving reporters.
“We’re over a hundred points in front, so it’s no time to be complacent and I’m totally focused on the league,” he said, which according to anchor Mike Wedderburn meant he’d not ruled himself out of the England job.
The cameras cut to Yorkshire, where the Lokomotiv Leeds gaffer had been stopped from driving to training by Geoff Shreeves.
“Yes, Geoff, many would say signing Phil Bardsely does show a lack of ambition, but I see it as a positive step towards catching the leaders,” answered the Lokomotiv boss from his car window, before checking his phone, most likely for missed calls from the FA, affirmed Shreeves afterwards.
Even foreigners can’t escape. Still.
In his weekly PSV Mornington press conference, the manager was explicit.
“¡Me cago en la leche!” he said, which after some deliberation studio translators confirmed meant ‘I’m working up my CV’.
Amongst the haitus, the Chairman issued a message to managers.
“Until a new England manager is appointed, it’s important that we all keep calm and carry on,” he said, before thinking that if you printed those words on mugs and T-shirts, in an ironic sort of way, it could really catch on.
