Pirates plunder Catalans 7-1 in cup final

Somali pirate Lego
Helpless: Just Put Carles were no match for Spartak Mogadishu – the Pirates fired all afternoon (photo courtesy of Spontaneous Raptor)

KEVIN Nolan and Romelu Lukaka both scored hat-tricks to propel Spartak Mogadishu to a record 7-1 victory over Just Put Carles in the Canesten Combi Cup final.

The misery began for the Catalan manager of JPC when defender Jonas Ollson put the ball into his own net in the 17th minute.

Spartak Mogadishu striker Kevin Nolan made it 2-0 a few minutes later. JPC held on until half time, but Nolan added another just after the break.

Adam Le Fondre clawed one back for the Catalans, but Lukaku and Nolan went on to pump in another four goals to make it a record Canesten Combi Cup scoreline.

The Spartak Mogadishu manager becomes the first Johnny Foreigner to win silverware in the Kenna. He tweeted this evening that he was ‘here on merit’.

In the wake of the defeat the JPC manager tweeted: “Destroyed Catalan for dinner tonight”. It’s unclear whether he’s referring to the result or he’s entertaining Luis Suarez this evening.

It’s yet to be seen what effect the final day of the season will have on the Kenna League table, although Spartak Mogadishu were just too far back from third place for their six goals to have any likely say in the race for prize money.

Sporting Lesbian are almost certain to take the league title. A goal from Dimitar Berbatov will most likely have cemented runners up place to defending champions FC Testiculadew.

Judean Peoples’ Front and Piedmonte failed to get a goal between them, so the third place is anyone’s guess.

Full results will be published this week.

Cup final result

Spartak Mogadishu 7 (seven) – 1 Just Put Carles
Ollson (og)                                             Le Fondre
Nolan x3
Lukaku x3

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The Chairman’s auction night top tips

Chairman with Averna
Chairman’s largesse in action: “Digestif? Take the pack.”

WITH SO many thrills, spills, tears and emotions it’s hard to believe that London 2012 was just the warm act, but tonight it’s finally time for the main event.

Tweeted live from 7pm, the Kenna auction will see around 20 managers gathered around a table bidding to buy their eleven Premier League players for this season’s campaign.

In an act typifying his boundless munificence, the Chairman has issued some top tips for managers to get the most of their experience.

“In order for everyone to buy their teams, we’ll have to clear at least one player a minute. If managers follow some simple pointers, we should have no trouble,” said the Chairman, forgetting that the FC Testiculadew manager has confirmed his attendance.

The Chairman’s top tips

Get there early – proceedings will start at 6.30pm, with the auction starting at 7pm regardless of how many managers are present.

Bring £20 – to give to the treasurer for your entry fee.

Bring a player list and pen – there’s a stationery shortage at Kenna HQ. An inquiry has been launched.

Write down who you buy – seems obvious, but some managers have fallen foul of the Titus Bramble ruling for not doing so in the past.

Plan your picks – if I catch you scratching your head looking stumped, I’ll pick them for you. We don’t have time.

Don’t take it too seriously – it’s a competitive arena, but if you throw your toys out the pram the Treasurer will refund your entry fee and we’ll bid you an upbeat farewell.

A Bramble is for life (or at least until October’s transfer window) – a Titus Bramble player cannot be lost on a Bramble, no matter how much they cost.

Pre-emptive West Cornwall Pasty Co – there’ll be a pub buffet at 8pm, but we’ve all been left with no more than a cocktail sausage and some leftover satay in the past.

A few other items of note:

  • Anyone arriving in Team GB merchandise will immediately be considered to have bought Ryan Giggs for £10m.
  • Anyone arriving in London 2012 merchandise will have to buy the committee a round.
  • Anyone arriving in Olympic accreditation, a Games Maker uniform or a Locog BMW will have to buy the league a round.
  • No Batman suits.
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Premier League auction to be tweeted live

Director of Wry Tweets
Garlic bread?: New committee member relishes access to the executive Daewoo

FOR THE very first time the annual Kenna League auction is to be tweeted live.

Household names such as Wayne Rooney, Sergio Aguero and Ricardo Vaz Te will go under the hammer next Wednesday in a City of London pub.

Kenna HQ initially tweeted the Emmanuel Olisadebe auction live ahead of Euro 2012, but this is the first time the domestic season, now in its eighth year, will be broadcast to the world.

“We saw the overwhelming wave of reaction to the Olisadebe tweets and we’re pleased to bring the experience of  the Kenna to globe absolutely free of charge,” said the Chairman, referring to his bar bill and the three extra followers gained during the Euro 2012 auction night.

Follow the Kenna live on @jeffkennaleague from 7pm on Wednesday 15 August.

In preparation for the auction, the committee have appointed the Hairy Fadjeetas manager Director of Wry Tweets.

“The overriding reason I’ve accepted this position is because it brings access to the league’s executive Daewoo,” said the new addition to the committee, before shrugging that he probably won’t be able stay to the end of the evening.

The Fadges boss was chosen after his tweeting at the Olisadebe. Some of his wryest offerings from that fateful evening can be found below.

Global economic woes summed up in a bid for French school gates botherer Franck Ribery:

Debt tweet

The prospect of two ageing strikers taking on Europe’s elite:

Keane and Sheva tweet

Glib account of the Kenna’s first mid-auction resignation after a Bramble led to the loss of Dutch gnome Arjen Robben (from the bottom up):

Toys out of the pram

Phonetic German side by side with an intimate moment:

Fag and handjob tweet

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Who will be the most mediocre Premier League players of 2012/13?

Stella Artois
Stella cast: the Premier League is bursting with talent. Well, apart from the Titus Bramble brigade

SKY SPORTS hacks, former professionals-cum-pundits and the intimidating bloke at the bar with the British Bulldog tattoo and Argos bling all vehemently maintain that England has the best football league in the world.

While we can be certain that their assurances are absolutely genuine, and have nothing whatsoever to do with viewing figures, xenophobia or a grim, single-parent upbringing in a region of high unemployment, the more subversive among us sometimes harbour dark thoughts that not everyone competing in the Premier League is of a world-beating standard.

As the David Silvas, Wayne Rooneys and John Terrys of the land set them up, bang them in and save the handshaking for the faces of their teammates’ wives, a small contingent of those plying their trade on Super Sunday are more folly prone than Hollywood.

Even Signet Rings in the pub, at least until he’s charged up on a couple of rounds of wife beater, could be persuaded that some the players in the Premier League are what’s colloquially known as ‘a bit shit’.

For denizens of the Kenna this spirit of mediocrity has found earthly embodiment in the form of Titus Bramble. The journeyman defender continues to make regular starts in the Premier League despite his flaws at Newcastle once forming the contents of an official Chelsea dossier and nightclub indiscretions leading to unsavoury tangles with the law.

Ahead of the new season, the Kenna is searching for more specimens like Titus who are likely to spend the next few months showcasing just how average English football can be.

Make your suggestion by adding a comment below or join the debate on Twitter @jeffkennaleague.

The best suggestions will be assembled into a ‘Titus Bramble Invitational Squad’ and employed as forfeit players for the upcoming Kenna auction, to be held next month in another not-so-exclusive central London pub.

Managers breaking auction rules will have the cream of their side whipped out and replaced by one of ‘the Brambles’.

Here’s a smattering of last summer’s Bramble players, some of whom could be eligible for selection again:

Shaun Wright-Phillips (good at running, not so at kicking)

Michael Owen (in his Indian summer, bench-warming role at Old Trafford)

Hendry Thomas (can circumstances become any more unglamorous than holding midfielder at Wigan?)

Danny Shittu (yes, yes, name and nature. An obvious choice)

Mamady Sidibie (has failed to live up to the ‘Big Mama’ sobriquet for the last couple of seasons)


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Olisadebe showdown – live on Twitter

TONIGHT’S FINAL showdown between The Eurosceptics and Testiculadewlandwill be tweeted live @jeffkennaleague.

Just three points separate the teams, who are vying for honours in the Emmanual Olisadebe European Cup, not to mention winning the coveted unofficial, replica, imitation Poland shirt (with superficial damage).

Neutrals will be hoping leaders The Eurosceptics, represented by Jordi Alba and Antonio Cassano in Kiev, will take the prize.

The T-land manager became the contest’s pantomime villain after unsavoury deception was exposed in the pre-tournament auction.

Italy’s Bonucci and Spain’s Piqué are likely starters for controversial T-land.

In the third-place battle Bwing on the Euwos (Buffon and Ramos) have a four-point advantage over Everybody Gdansk Now‘s Iker Casillas.

Make Party (Maggio) and Utoya Island XI (Ranocchia and Alonso), who share last place going into the game, will both be looking to avoid the wooden spoon.


Players are awarded two points for starting the match, five for scoring a goal, three for an assist and one point for coming on as a sub.

One point is docked for a yellow card, three for a red and three for missing a penalty.

Defenders and goalkeepers get four points for a clean sheet. A point is deducted for two goals scored against their team, two points taken off for three goals and three points for four goals etc.

Goalies collect five points for saving a penalty.

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Auction marred by ‘unfit conduct’

Player list
Glass empty: moral bankruptcy marred proceedings

AN ETHICS committee is to be formed at Kenna HQ after last night’s controversial Olisadebe auction.

Two incidents of note relating to the Titus Bramble Ruling, where a manager forfeits an illegal player, caused heated confrontation, with the Horn of Africa manger threatening to resign halfway through proceedings.

Later in the evening, the FC Testiculadewland boss was found to be engaged in ‘tactical Brambling’ – knowingly attempting to buy an illegal player to free up funds from the one he would forfeit.

Despite working for on the case for almost 24 hours, Scotland Yard are still scratching their heads as to just where the spirit of Kenna has disappeared.

“Two incidents of note at the auction betrayed some truly unfit conduct from managers. The Kenna has always been a place of genteel manners and this type of histrionic or devious behaviour will  not be tolerated,” said the Chairman in an official league statement.

“We will form a Kenna Ethics Committee to establish a managers’ code of conduct. We’re also looking to develop a ‘fit and proper persons test’, although looking around the table last night we shouldn’t make it too difficult,” continued the Chairman, who definitely didn’t fall asleep on the bus home and wake up in Enfield.

Full teams will be published soon.

Bunch of twits

Fag and handjob tweet
Top tweet: Despite almost walking out over it, The Horn of Africa loses Robben on a Bramble

Broadcasting the auction live on Twitter, the Kenna gained a grand total of two new followers.

“Controversy aside, we think the rest of the auction went rather well,” said the Chairman.

“Although interaction with the online community was limited, the tweets do provide an excellent chronicle of the evening.”

Live broadcasting the summer auction is to be decided pending review.

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Olisadebe Euro 2012 prizes announced

Emmanuel Olisadebe shirt - back
Strike it rich: Unofficial, replica Olisadebe shirt (with superficial damage) awaits tournament winner

KUDOS, riches and glazed-over, gyrating, Slav human traffic leggier than a recent Scott Parker performance have long been the trappings of international success, but the Olisadebe offers that little bit extra.

Not only will the victor trouser £100 in cash, but they will become the proud owner of an unofficial, replica Emmanuel Olisadebe Poland shirt.

“Gained at no great expense, the shirt is almost exactly like the one, like the one worn by Emmanuel during his prolific spell for Poland. Any manager would be thrilled to hang the shirt in pride of place, so long as they can overlook the superficial damage,” said the Chairman, before returning to a heated telephone call about unkept promises with a storage solutions company.

Second place will land £50 while third will scoop £20.

The manager ending with the top individual points scorer in their team will also have something smile about.

“This tournament we’re offering a whopping £60 for player of the tournament. We hope it’ll bring out some big bids on the auction night,” said the Chairman.

Follow the auction live on Twitter @jeffkennaleague or #eurosauction on Tuesday 29 May from 7pm (BST)

Look out for more news and features about the Olisadebe in the build up to the auction.


First: £100 and the unofficial, replica Emmanuel Olisadebe Poland shirt (with superficial damage)

Second: £50

Third: £20

Top individual player score: £60

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Euro 2012 auction to be tweeted live

For all the latest updates follow #eurosauction

THE EMMANUEL Olisadebe European Cup auction is to be broadcast live on Twitter, organisers announced today.

Lot-by-lot updates of the fantasy football competition, based on Euro 2012, will be tweeted on Tuesday (29 May) from 7pm.

A total of 16 managers will battle it out in a mystery pub in south London.

The contest is a ‘ties-off’ international tournament in a similar format to domestic club contest the Jeff Kenna League.

The Kenna HQ Chairman said: “The live tweet is an excellent way to showcase to the world how fantasy football competitions should be played.

“The Emmanuel Olisadebe European Cup auction, like the Kenna auction, is a face-to-face contest of knowledge and footballing acumen in an informal atmosphere. During the roller coaster, four-hour event participants experience the full range of emotions, although they mostly fluctuate between schadenfreude and humiliation.

“Picking captains and making transfers every week may be a good way for the big newspapers to drive up traffic to their websites and increase advertising revenue, but we’re convinced the auction format is the true test of fantasy footballing skill.

“Once the auction is done, entrants are left to wholeheartedly drink in every second of Euro 2012 in the patented Ruud Gullit ‘bars and discotheques’ style.”

Follow the auction live @jeffkennaleague or #eurosauction on Tuesday 29 May from 7pm (BST)

Look out for more news and features about the Olisadebe here in the build up to the auction.

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Young Boys confident of getting semis

Road to the final
Cannestan Combi Cup - The Road to the Final

A belligerent Young Boys manager claimed his side were guaranteed a place in the semi finals after being drawn to league strugglers PSV Mornington.

“Easy! Easy!” chanted the YB boss after Friday’s draw was made on Twitter.

“My Young Boys don’t have much experience of semis, but they train hard, so I’m quietly confident,” he crowed on the social media platform.

Should they progress, YB face the tough prospect of either league leaders FC Testiculadew or third-placed Newington Reds.

In the other side of the knockout stages, Dynamo Charlton will play Hairy Fadjeetas in what commentators are dubbing ‘The Ambulance News Derby’.

“This is a real grudge match for my beautiful fadges,” said the Fadjeetas boss, stroking Fernando Torres hair as the Spaniard wept into his lap.

The winners will face either in-form Pikey Scum or Pavel Pogrebnyak’s Headless Chickens.

Quarter final dates

Leg one – Wednesday 7 March

Leg two – Wednesday 28 March

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Dynamo Charlton

Manager: Mr Alex Bass (ENG)

Since: 2011

Trophy cabinet: empty

Sympathies: Charlton Athletic

Reina, P LIV 9
Assou-Ekotto, B TOT 6.5
Neville, P EVE 6.5
Kolarov, A MCY 0.5
Alcaraz, A WIG 3.5
Barton, J QPR 9
Giggs, R MUN 6
Etuhu, D FUL 2.5
Ramsey, A ARS 2
Drogba, D CHE 18
Gyan, A SUN 8
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