Bala Rinas

Manager: Lewis (Wales)

Twitter name: @jsl105

Since: 2007 (committee member – Treasurer)

Last season: 8th

Trophy cabinet: Empty (highest league position – last season)

Sympathies: Wrexham

Darts music: C.R.E.A.M. – Wu Tang Clan

Outlook: Scarred by relegation in his debut at the helm of The Trinny Men in 2007/08, the Welshman took time out from the pressure of Kenna management before assuming the reins of Bala Rinas last season, and with some success. His follow up campaign began with some respectable business, but with a red card for Agger already and the fire of Grant Holt and Djibril Cisse up front, discipline could be an issue.

(B) = player awarded under the Titus Bramble ruling

Jaaskelainen, J WHM £0.5m
Agger, D LIV £15m
Neville, P EVE £4m
Koscielny, L ARS £0.5m
Fabio QPR £0.5m
Hernandez, P SWA £10m
Duff, D FUL £16m
Johnson, B NOR £1m
Bale, G TOT £26m
Ba, D CHE £42m
Di Santo, F WIG £0.5m
 Total £116m

Second transfer window – 1 February 2013

Out     In
Hooiveld, J SOT £0.5m Fabio QPR £0.5m
Nani MUN £15m Hernandez, P SWA £10m
McClean, J SUN £14m Johnson, B NOR £1m
Holt, G NOR £9m Ba, D CHE £42m

First transfer window – Friday 26 October 2012

Out     In
Savic, S (B) MCY £10m Koscielny, L ARS £0.5m
Kaboul, Y TOT £6.5m Hooiveld, J SOT £0.5m
Moses, V CHE £12m Duff, D FUL £16m
Marveaux, S NEW £2m Bale, G TOT £26m
Cisse, D QPR £12m Di Santo, F WIG £0.5m
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FC Testiculadew scoop double on debut

Jolly Roger
Jolly Roger: The Spartak Mogaishu had plenty to smile about after coming from behind to take fifth

EDIN Dzeko and Wayne Rooney both netted on the last day of the season to help FC Testiculadew win a historic double.

In his debut Kenna season, the FCT manager picked up the Cannestan Combi Cup on the final day, sweeping aside sibling rival the Headless Chickens boss.

FCT added the cup to their league title, where their dominance and the rest of the table’s complete capitulation led to an official inquiry being opened.

“It’s an itch I’ve been dying to scratch since Christmas. The feeling when you win the Kenna, it’s pretty special, like the smell of mown grass on a spring day or finding a cream that can really alleviate the symptoms,” said a jubilant FCT manager, who’ll scoop a combined prize total of £190, without counting manager of the month awards.

The Lokomotiv Leeds manager, another debutant and the only serious challenger to FCT, took second place 119 points behind.

“The £57 prize will go a long way towards rejuvenating the squad over the summer,” said the Leeds manager, who looks unlikely to be able to retain the services of Victor Moses for the £3m he paid last summer.

Kenna veteran the Newington Reds manager came third, winning £19.

Defending Kenna champion the Young Boys of Kilburn gaffer finished fourth.

FCT become the second club in history to take the double. The only other club to achieve that feat, Vasco De Beauvoir, finished the season just one place above relegation.

The managers of the Dan Terry Seduction, Thieving Magpies and Polonia Forsyth all collected their P45s.

“In the end the league got a little predictable, but in many ways this was a fantastic season. Special mention has to the go to the Spartak Mogadishu manager. It all looked lost back in October when he picked up Turkey of the Month, but he’s finished the season just outside the top four – remarkable considering his haphazard bidding technique,” said the Chairman to the gathered masses from the balcony of Kenna HQ.

Everyone else finished mid-table.

January to May’s manager of the month awards, player of the week tallies and Alan Hansen’s coloured performance chart will be published later in the week, to go with the stats from the first half of the season.

Weekly scores - 15 May 2012
Weekly scores – 15 May 2012
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Houston, we have a problem

  • Ramsey strike takes out pop diva

  • ‘We were aiming for Syrian leader’ says Dynamo boss

Bullseye: Ramsey boasts a better conversion rate than Victor Moses

Aaron Ramsey received the full backing of his manager today after mistakenly killing Whitney Houston.

The Dynamo Charlton midfielder’s 75th-minute strike on Saturday sounded the death knell for the troubled pop singer.

The diva is Ramsey’s fourth scalp. His previous three goals spelled the end of terrorist leader Osama Bin Laden, Apple boss Steve Jobbs and African tyrant Colonel Gaddafi.

In an eyebrow-raising press conference, the Dyanmo Charlton boss claimed the strike didn’t hit its intended target, but he’d have his player working extra hard in training to make up for it.

“We saw the job Aaron did taking out Bin Laden for the Americans last May and we knew then he’d be a good investment,” said the Dyanmo gaffer to stunned silence.

“If I told you that before the summer auction we’d pick him up for £2m, you’d never have believed me.

“Considering his awareness on the ball, his passing ability and the money Bill Gates was offering for Jobbs, there ain’t no way I was going to miss out on signing him.”

Assad day for soul

As journalists’ jaws hit the floor, the Dyanmo manager revealed that having successfully eliminated Colonel Gaddafi for the Libyan National Transitional Council, the club was approached by the United Nations.

“After hitting some red tape with the Russians and Chinese, the UN asked us to take care of Syrian president Bashar al-Assad. Sadly, Whitney copped it instead. I suppose it was just one of those days.

“I said to Aaron after the game ‘I believe in you and me’, and we’ll be working extra hard this week in training,” the Dynamo boss said.


Under club rules, Ramsey will get have to cough up £50 towards the end-of-season party for missing the target.

“What can I say?” said the manager, shrugging his shoulders.”He’s hit three in four attempts.

“That’s a lot better than Victor Moses.”

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Lokomotiv Leeds (second window)

Manager: Mr Ben Silver (ENG)

Since: 2011

Trophy cabinet: empty

Sympathies: Leeds United

Foster, B WBA £4m
Skrtel, M LIV £18m
Bardsley, P SUN £5m
Simpson, D NEW £0.5m
Sagna, B ARS £14m
Howson, J NOR £0.5m
Toure, Y MCY £16.5m
van der Vaart, R TOT £5m
Moses, V WIG £3m
Hernandez, J MUN £21m
Sturridge, D CHE £0.5m
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