Kenna League less than a fifth English


THE KENNA League is only 17 per cent English, according to Jack Wilshere.

Only four managers come from below the Watford Gap to qualify as English under the midfielder’s nationality test.

The largest portion of managers, 52 per cent, fail to meet Wilshere’s English test point blank as they hail from ‘the Norf’.

Another 13 per cent of managers who come from Wales were dismissed as ‘facking sheep shaggers’.

Of the rest of the league 13 per cent are Catalan – or in Wilshere’s opinion ‘facking Spanish in’it, sangria cants’ – and four per cent Somali.

Wilshere, who is currently signed for Kenna outfit Judean Peoples’ Front, said: “It’s a facking disgrace all these Johnny Foreigners comin’ over here with a soppy bollocks brand of football. If it were up to me we’d put ’em all on the banana boat they came here on and send the buggers ‘ome.

“I don’t trust these Spanish. I heard they eat their tea at midnight. What the fack is that about? That’s over six hours after you’re s’pose to. And I mean seriously, a Somali? In London? Who does ‘e think ‘e is? Mo bleedin’ Farah? I actually quite respect Mo for ‘is runnin’ and stuff, although if me daughter brought ‘im home that would be a different facking story.”

Jack Wilshere’s English test includes eating pie and mash, smoking ‘Silk facking Cat’ and walking like ‘a bit of a geezer’.

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Sagres back in the fridge


ONE SEMI final down and The Eurosceptics hold the lead by a narrow four-point margin.

Bruno Alves’ penalty miss, so ably assisted by Make Party’s Luis Nani, left the door ajar for Testiculadewland’s Piqué and Contraõ.

Tonight The Eurosceptics’ Cassano and Podolski take on T-lands’ Özil and Bonucci.

The Chalkstripes in Kenna HQ’s speculations dept reckon the thyroid-assisted German/Turkish string puller holds the key.

Manager Points Goals

1 The Eurosceptics Alex Bass 137 4

2 Testiculadewland James Norris 133 2

3 Bwing on the Euwos Denney 117 4

4 Everybody Gdansk Now Ben Dudley 115 3

5 Every Pole’s a Goal Seimon Lewis 102 2

6 Bunga Bunga Euro Tour John Norris 97 2

7 The Horn of Africa Abdi Ali 96 4

8 Just Put Warsaw Carles Duz 96 1

9 Hoodunika Bolokov Jack 95 3

10 Just Femen Claire Forysth 87 3

11 Chernobyl Forlov Aiden Brisland 83 4

12 Don’t know yet Pete Ball 83 3

13 Utoya Island 11 Sholto 76 9

14 Make Party Six 75 2

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Today’s scores available


Olisadebe organisers were outraged this morning after the Chairman’s jar of Marmite was confiscated at Stanstead Airport,

On his way to Sweden to extend the olive branch ahead of tonight’s Group D clash, the Chairman was to present the condiment to Scandinavian counterparts.

“We’re flattened and disappointed,” read an official statement.

Today’s scores can be downloaded from the ‘Details’ box on the right hand side.

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