Kenna makes sweeping changes to MOTM, cliches sin bin offences published

Kenna HQ has been accused of ‘fiscal tampering’ after making sweeping changes to Manager of the Month awards this season.

Binning off 10 awards for managerial performance, Kenna HQ has split the season into unequal quarterly segments.

‘This is fiscal tampering at the basest level,’ said the Still Don’t Know Yet manager, the self-proclaimed champion of unique funding models in the league.

Managers will now compete for four awards over the season:

The Legacy Award – the most points scored with last season’s team until the September/October international break.

The Noel Whelan Award – the most points scored between the October and November international break.

The Aaron Winter Award – the most points scored between November and the February transfer window.

The Run-In Award – the most points scored from the window to the end of the season in May.

‘This new format means bigger prizes for segmented seasonal performance,’ said the Kenna chairman. ‘What’s crucial is that the revenues that are generated from this are going back to the game all over the world. Or at least the auction bar bill.’

The changes mean teams bought at this Saturday’s auction will begin scoring from early October.

Cliches under attack

Popular Kenna cliches have been added to the growing list of sin bin offences.

‘Is there a player list?’, ‘He’s a midfielder not a forward’ and ‘I’m pacing myself’ are all expressions which will land managers a 10-minute ban on buying players.

Pointing out a player is long-term injured while a bid on him is still live is also now a sin bin offence.

‘We’ve been hearing some of these phrases for two decades. They don’t add value. Today I feel free,’ said the chairman.

Contents

  1. Bramble rules
  2. Bidding rules
  3. Titus Bramble ruling
  4. ‘Grey’ Brambling
  5. Sin bin – process
  6. Sin bin – auction offences
  7. Sin bin – pub offences
  8. Sin bin – cliches
  9. Autofill
  10. Trading card packs
  11. Transfer window

1. Bramble rules

  1. £100m budget
  2. 4-4-2
  3. No more than one player from a PL club
  4. Lowest value for a player is £0.5m
  5. No bidding £0.5m after £1m
  6. Positions as per the newspaper fantasy football competition

2. Bidding rules

  1. Managers take it in turns to introduce players to auction, starting to the auctioneer’s left
  2. Once the last player sale is recorded, the next manager has 20 seconds to introduce a player name (plus position and club if asked by the auctioneer) or they will be sin binned.
  3. The manager should only give one name in the 20-second timeframe. Saying a name then quickly retracting it will get the manager sin binned.
  4. Every manager must introduce a player in each round, with the exception of the auctioneer.
  5. If a manager tries to introduce a player outside of his 20-second timeframe, either before the last player sale is recorded or when it is not his turn, they will get sin binned.
  6. Any manager bidding point five after £1m will get sin binned.

3. Titus Bramble ruling

  1. Ilegal player returned to the pot and manager fined half the value paid
  2. Space filled with Bramble player
  3. Two players from the same PL club – more expensive player removed
  4. Too many players in one position – last purchase returned to the pot, most expensive player in the position returned to the pot, manager fined half the value of the latter, space filled with Bramble player
  5. Manager goes over budget – most expensive player returned to the pot, manager fined half the value paid, space filled with Bramble player
  6. The Titus Bramble ruling is only triggered once the hammer has come down on a player sale. 
  7. Once the TB ruling details are confirmed the offending manager is sin binned.

4. ‘Grey’ Brambling

There is a grey area in the TB ruling when a manager either introduces a player or bids on a player that would trigger the Titus Bramble ruling if signed. This is shall be known as ‘grey’ Brambling, and the following rules are introduced to deter it:

  1. If a manager makes a grey Bramble bid all other managers should stop bidding so the hammer can come down and the TB ruling is triggered
  2. If a manager has made a grey Bramble bid, but another manager has outbid him, the bid stays live and the grey Brambler is sin binned after the player is eventually sold
  3. If a manager makes a grey Bramble bid and no one notices, the manager is free from any reprisals after the hammer comes down on that player.

5. Sin bin – process

  1. Only the chairman, or a second chosen by the chairman, can sin bin a manager
  2. If a manager is sin binned they cannot bid on any players for 10 minutes
  3. If the manager chooses to remain in the auction room while sin binned they cannot take a seat at the table, they must sit in the designated area in the corner of the room. The 10 minutes starts when the manager sits in the sin bin or leaves the room
  4. If a manager spots someone committing a sin bin offence they can bring this to the attention of the chairman, but must do so in a polite manner

6. Sin bin – auction offences

  1. Quickly retracting a bid
  2. Triggering the Titus Bramble forfeit
  3. Buying a player no longer in the Premier League
  4. Buying a player with a long-term injury
  5. Asking the auctioneer any questions during bidding
  6. Bidding point five after £1m (even in jest)
  7. Signing Erling Haaland
  8. Bidding while on the pavement outside the pub
  9. Attempting to introduce a player before the last sale is recorded
  10. Attempting to introduce a player when it’s not your turn
  11. Taking more than 20 seconds to introduce a player when it’s your turn
  12. Failing to meet a request from the chairman
  13. *NEW* Pointing out a player is long-term injured or unavailable while a bid is live

7. Sin bin – pub offences

  1. Buying a one-drink round
  2. Switching the TV from the agreed channel
  3. The team you support scores a goal – doesn’t apply if you’re in the sin bin
  4. Sexually assaulting a professional footballer
  5. Dismembering a journalist

8. Sin bin – cliches *NEW*

  1. ‘Has anyone got a pen?’
  2. ‘Is there a player list?’
  3. ‘I can’t believe he’s still available’
  4. ‘I had him on the list’
  5. ‘Great value’ after signing a player to your own team
  6. ‘I’m pacing myself’
  7. ‘Technically….’
  8. ‘He’s a midfielder in FPL’
  9. ‘Had him last season’
  10. ‘He had a good/bad World Cup so…’
  11. ‘The cricket’s going well’

9. Autofill

  1. If a manager finishes the auction with spaces in their team, those spaces will be autofilled by charts and graphs at a value of £0.5m per player.
  2. At the February transfer window, all autofilled players have a buyout clause of £0.5m.

10. Trading card packs

  1. At various intervals in the auction (decided by the chairman) official PL trading card packs will be sold. The packs contain six players.
  2. The manager with the highest bid can choose which player to sign from the six in the pack. Bramble rules apply.
  3. If one of the players in the pack has already been signed by another manager (Manager B), either from a previous pack or after a routine bid, the manager who bought the pack (Manager A) can compulsory purchase that player for the value paid for the pack. Manager B will either make or lose money from the sale depending on how much they initially paid for the player.
  4. The difference in value between what Manager B paid and what Manager A paid for a compulsory purchased player determines that player’s buyout clause at the February window.

11. Transfer window

  1. The transfer window takes place on the first Saturday in February (6 February 2027)
  2. Managers must send the chairman their players to be released by midday on Friday 5 February
  3. There are no transfer bonuses, so managers only take what is left of their £100m at auction, plus any money generated from player sales at the window
  4. Autofill players have a buyout clause of £0.5m
  5. Compulsory purchase players have a buyout clause agreed at the auction (see rule 10.4)
  6. A manager cannot re-sign a player they have released that season, but they can sign a player compulsory purchased from them at the auction if they can meet the buyout clause.
  7. The league champions are crowned in May. The eleven players in a manager’s team post-transfer window start scoring points for next season from August. Ahead of the September auction all players are released.
  8. Auction absentees not submitting silent bids will receive an average remaining budget of all other managers for the transfer window.
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Oxford pub crawl World Cup fantasy football auction – rules published

Police have warned Oxford publicans to remain vigilant of ‘grey Brambling’ next Saturday (13 June) after rules for the Roy Wegerle World Cup auction pub crawl were published.

Managers from the world’s leading London pub-based fantasy football league are expected to descend on a succession of Oxford pubs as they attempt to buy 11 players in a 4-3-3 formation under ‘Bramble rules’ (section 1 below).

‘There is a high likelihood the new pub crawl format will lead to errant and unpunished auction activity,’ began a police message to landlords, before explaining the concept of grey Brambling as bidding on an illegal player without eventually signing them (section 4).

Licence holders are also advised to familiarise themselves with new Wegerle sin bin rules whereby the offending manager is not only prohibited from buying any players until the next pub, but may have to buy the whole league a round for the vague description of ‘excessive participation’ in auction proceedings (sections 5.2 and 5.3).

‘I just hope the chairman decides we’re a 15-lot pub rather than a 10-lot pub,’ said one Oxford pub landlord who wished to remain anonymous in reference to section 2 of the rules. ‘I’ve heard this lot can run up a bar tab to negate the blockage of the Strait of Hormuz.’

The Punter, The Bear Inn, The Star and The Lamb & Flag found out they were among pubs on the crawl when plans were leaked earlier this week.

‘Space, vibe and quality of pilsner will be foremost in my thinking when deciding on how long we stay,’ the league chairman told journalists on Abingdon Road through his rolled-down car window this morning. ‘Now would you mind standing back, I want to get this car washed.’

Wegerle World Cup auction pub crawl rules

  1. Bramble rules
  2. Bidding rules
  3. Titus Bramble ruling
  4. ‘Grey Brambling’
  5. Sin bin – process
  6. Sin bin – auction offences
  7. Sin bin – pub offences
  8. Autofill
  9. Sticker packs

1. Bramble rules

  1. £100m budget
  2. 4-3-3
  3. No more than one player from a country
  4. Lowest value for a player is £0.5m
  5. No bidding £0.5m after £1m
  6. Positions as per https://play.fifa.com/fantasy/team 
  7. Scoring as per https://play.fifa.com/fantasy/help/guidelines. Scores will be published at intervals during the tournament, with final scores published afterwards.

2. Bidding rules

For the first time the auction will be run during a pub crawl rather than a single venue. There will be at least 110 players to be auctioned over a crawl of eight or nine pubs. 

  1. There is no set lot list and no player list will be provided other than https://play.fifa.com/fantasy/team 
  2. The chairman will decide the number of lots to be auctioned at each pub. The first lot will be a sticker pack (see section 9), followed by either 10 or 15 lots at the chairman’s discretion, taking into consideration factors such as space, vibe and pilsner quality.
  3. Managers take it in turns to introduce players to auction, starting to the auctioneer’s left
  4. Once the last player sale is recorded, the next manager has 20 seconds to introduce a player name (plus position and country if asked by the auctioneer) or they will be sin binned (see section 5)
  5. The manager should only give one name in the 20-second timeframe. Saying a name then quickly retracting it will get the manager sin binned.
  6. Every manager must introduce a player in each round, with the exception of the auctioneer.
  7. If a manager tries to introduce a player outside of his 20-second timeframe, either before the last player sale is recorded or when it is not their turn, they will get sin binned.
  8. Any manager bidding point five after £1m will get sin binned.

3. Titus Bramble ruling

  1. Illegal player returned to the pot and manager fined half the value paid
  2. Space filled with Bramble player
  3. Two players from the same country – more expensive player removed
  4. Too many players in one position – last purchase returned to the pot, most expensive player in the position returned to the pot, manager fined half the value of the latter, space filled with Bramble player
  5. Manager goes over budget – most expensive player returned to the pot, manager fined half the value paid, space filled with Bramble player
  6. The Titus Bramble ruling is only triggered once the hammer has come down on a player sale. 
  7. Once the TB ruling details are confirmed the offending manager is sin binned.

4. ‘Grey Brambling’

There is a grey area in the TB ruling when a manager either introduces a player or bids on a player that would trigger the Titus Bramble ruling if signed. This is shall be known as ‘grey Brambling’, and the following rules are introduced to deter it:

  1. If a manager makes a grey Bramble bid all other managers should stop bidding so the hammer can come down and the TB ruling is triggered
  2. If a manager has made a grey Bramble bid, but another manager has outbid him, the bid stays live and, if identified before the hammer goes down, the grey Brambler is sin binned after the player is sold
  3. If a manager makes a grey Bramble bid and no one notices, the manager is free from any reprisals after the hammer comes down on that player.

5. Sin bin – process

  1. Only the chairman, or a second chosen by the chairman, can sin bin a manager
  2. If a manager is sin binned they cannot bid on any players until the next pub
  3. Once sin binned a manager may remain in the auction circle but excessive participation in the auction proceedings may result in a penalty fine of buying the whole league a round at the next pub
  4. If a manager spots someone committing a sin bin offence they can bring this to the attention of the chairman, but must do so in a polite manner

6. Sin bin – auction offences

  1. Quickly retracting a bid
  2. Triggering the Titus Bramble forfeit
  3. Buying an ‘on the beach’ player
  4. Asking the auctioneer any questions during bidding
  5. Bidding point five after £1m (even in jest)
  6. Signing Erling Haaland
  7. Bidding while on the pavement outside the pub (unless the auction is taking place on the pavement outside the pub)
  8. Attempting to introduce a player before the last sale is recorded
  9. Attempting to introduce a player when it’s not your turn
  10. Taking more than 20 seconds to introduce a player when it’s your turn
  11. Failing to meet a request from the chairman

7. Sin bin – pub offences

  1. Buying a one-drink round
  2. Switching the TV from the agreed channel
  3. The team you support scores a goal – doesn’t apply if you’re in the sin bin
  4. Sexually assaulting a professional footballer
  5. Dismembering a journalist

8. Autofill

Conventional, domestic autofill rules will not be applied. If a manager finishes the auction with spaces in their team, those spaces will be filled after the auction at the chairman’s discretion.

9. Sticker packs

  1. The first lot at each pub will be a Panini sticker pack. Each pack contains seven stickers.
  2. The manager with the highest bid can choose which player to sign from the seven in the pack. Bramble rules apply.
  3. ‘Shiny’ stickers, either country FA logos or Tournament branding, and team stickers do not count as a player.
  4. If a pack contains two stickers with the same player the manager must sign that player.
  5. If one of the players in the pack has already been signed by another manager (Manager B), either from a previous pack or after a routine bid, the manager who bought the pack (Manager A) can compulsory purchase that player for the value paid for the pack. Manager B will either make or lose money from the sale depending on how much they initially paid for the player.
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Dark Lord wins unprecedented third Kenna title

FC Testiculadew became the first team to win three Kenna League titles in the 20-year history of the league.

Kenna season 20 – 2024/25

Prize money

Testiculadew – £160 (Champions: £150, MOTMx1: £10)

Test Team (please ignore) – £50 (Runner up)

Young Boys – £25 (Third place)

Chairman’s XI – £20 (Wenger Trophy: £10, MOTMx1: £10)

Don’t Know Yet – £10 (MOTM)

Clotted Cream First – £10 (MOTM)

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Bala Rinas win second Kenna title

The Bala Rinas manager joined an elite group in London pub-based fantasy football by lifting his second Kenna League title.

Kenna season 2023/24 – Manager of the Month

Full score available in The Rub.

Prize money

Bala Rinas – £190 (Champions: £150, 4xMOTM: £40)

Lokomotiv Leeds – £70 (Runner up: £50, 2xMOTM: £20)

Cowley Casuals – £35 (Third place: £25, 1xMOTM: £10)

Chairman’s XI – £10 (Wenger Trophy: £10)

Testiculadew – £10 (MOTM)

Piss Poor – £10 (MOTM)

Oxford Reds – £10 (MOTM)

Dynamo Charlton – £10 (MOTM)

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Kenna League auction rules – September 2023

The 19th annual Kenna League auction takes place in The Mitre Lancaster Gate this Saturday (16 September).

Refined over the last 18 years, rules for the world’s leading London pub-based fantasy football league are laid out below.

While ‘Bramble rules’ are well known, managers should pay particular attention their obligations under new bidding rules, and to the new sin bin process.

The Titus Bramble ruling is further clarified, particularly the grey area which previously existed around Brambling when a bid is live, which shall be known as ‘grey’ Brambling.

The trading card packs section has the potential to seriously manipulate the auction market. The competitive Kenna manager ought to make themself familiar with this twist on the tried and tested ‘World Cup sticker packs’ game.

Contents

  1. Bramble rules
  2. Bidding rules
  3. Titus Bramble ruling
  4. ‘Grey’ Brambling
  5. Sin bin – process
  6. Sin bin – auction offences
  7. Sin bin – pub offences
  8. Autofill
  9. Trading card packs
  10. Transfer window

1. Bramble rules

  1. £100m budget
  2. 4-4-2
  3. No more than one player from a PL club
  4. Lowest value for a player is £0.5m
  5. No bidding £0.5m after £1m
  6. Positions as per the newspaper fantasy football competition

2. Bidding rules

  1. Managers take it in turns to introduce players to auction, starting to the auctioneer’s left
  2. Once the last player sale is recorded, the next manager has 20 seconds to introduce a player name (plus position and club if asked by the auctioneer) or they will be sin binned.
  3. The manager should only give one name in the 20-second timeframe. Saying a name then quickly retracting it will get the manager sin binned.
  4. Every manager must introduce a player in each round, with the exception of the auctioneer.
  5. If a manager tries to introduce a player outside of his 20-second timeframe, either before the last player sale is recorded or when it is not his turn, they will get sin binned.
  6. Any manager bidding point five after £1m will get sin binned.

3. Titus Bramble ruling

  1. Ilegal player returned to the pot and manager fined half the value paid
  2. Space filled with Bramble player
  3. Two players from the same PL club – more expensive player removed
  4. Too many players in one position – last purchase returned to the pot, most expensive player in the position returned to the pot, manager fined half the value of the latter, space filled with Bramble player
  5. Manager goes over budget – most expensive player returned to the pot, manager fined half the value paid, space filled with Bramble player
  6. The Titus Bramble ruling is only triggered once the hammer has come down on a player sale. 
  7. Once the TB ruling details are confirmed the offending manager is sin binned.

4. ‘Grey’ Brambling

There is a grey area in the TB ruling when a manager either introduces a player or bids on a player that would trigger the Titus Bramble ruling if signed. This is shall be known as ‘grey’ Brambling, and the following rules are introduced to deter it:

  1. If a manager makes a grey Bramble bid all other managers should stop bidding so the hammer can come down and the TB ruling is triggered
  2. If a manager has made a grey Bramble bid, but another manager has outbid him, the bid stays live and the grey Brambler is sin binned after the player is eventually sold
  3. If a manager makes a grey Bramble bid and no one notices, the manager is free from any reprisals after the hammer comes down on that player.

5. Sin bin – process

  1. Only the chairman, or a second chosen by the chairman, can sin bin a manager
  2. If a manager is sin binned they cannot bid on any players for 10 minutes
  3. If the manager chooses to remain in the auction room while sin binned they cannot take a seat at the table, they must sit in the designated area in the corner of the room. The 10 minutes starts when the manager sits in the sin bin or leaves the room
  4. If a manager spots someone committing a sin bin offence they can bring this to the attention of the chairman, but must do so in a polite manner

6. Sin bin – auction offences

  1. Quickly retracting a bid
  2. Triggering the Titus Bramble forfeit
  3. Buying a player no longer in the Premier League
  4. Buying a player with a long-term injury
  5. Asking the auctioneer any questions during bidding
  6. Bidding point five after £1m (even in jest)
  7. Signing Erling Haaland
  8. Bidding while on the pavement outside the pub
  9. Attempting to introduce a player before the last sale is recorded
  10. Attempting to introduce a player when it’s not your turn
  11. Taking more than 20 seconds to introduce a player when it’s your turn
  12. Failing to meet a request from the chairman

7. Sin bin – pub offences

  1. Buying a one-drink round
  2. Switching the TV from the agreed channel
  3. The team you support scores a goal – doesn’t apply if you’re in the sin bin
  4. Sexually assaulting a professional footballer
  5. Dismembering a journalist

8. Autofill

  1. If a manager finishes the auction with spaces in their team, those spaces will be autofilled by charts and graphs at a value of £0.5m per player.
  2. At the February transfer window, all autofilled players have a buyout clause of £0.5m.

9. Trading card packs

  1. At various intervals in the auction (decided by the chairman) official PL trading card packs will be sold. The packs contain six players.
  2. The manager with the highest bid can choose which player to sign from the six in the pack. Bramble rules apply.
  3. If one of the players in the pack has already been signed by another manager (Manager B), either from a previous pack or after a routine bid, the manager who bought the pack (Manager A) can compulsory purchase that player for the value paid for the pack. Manager B will either make or lose money from the sale depending on how much they initially paid for the player.
  4. The difference in value between what Manager B paid and what Manager A paid for a compulsory purchased player determines that player’s buyout clause at the February window.

10. Transfer window

  1. The transfer window takes place on the first Saturday in February (3 February 2024)
  2. Managers must send the chairman their players to be released by midday on Friday 2 February
  3. There are no transfer bonuses, so managers only take what is left of their £100m at auction, plus any money generated from player sales at the window
  4. Autofill players have a buyout clause of £0.5m
  5. Compulsory purchase players have a buyout clause agreed at the auction (see rule 9.4)
  6. A manager cannot re-sign a player they have released that season, but they can sign a player compulsory purchased from them at the auction if they can meet the buyout clause.
  7. The league champions are crowned in May. The eleven players in a manager’s team post-transfer window start scoring points for next season from August. Ahead of the September auction all players are released.
  8. Auction absentees not submitting silent bids will receive an average remaining budget of all other managers for the transfer window.
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Reds manager fails to defend Kenna title despite promises

Oxford Reds failed to win the back-to-back Kenna titles, finishing eighth 12 months after promising to ‘defend the title with honour’.

After vowing not to buy players ‘the likes of Kurt Zouma and Nathan Collins’ in the 2022/23 auction, the Reds manager proceeded to buy Kurt Zouma for £1m and Nathan Collins for £0.5m.

Many have said ‘I told you so’ after questioning the manager’s ability to perform back-t0-back titles after the Reds franchise moved from London to the south Midlands.

Barry Town won the Kenna for first time in four seasons of competition.

With the Covid Cup a casualty of supply chain issues linked to the pandemic recovery and the invasion of Ukraine, the Clotted Cream First manager could be the last ever Kenna cup winner.

Kenna season 2022/23 – Manager of the Month

Full scores available in The Rub.

Prize money

Barry Town – £190 (Champions: £150, MOTMx4: £40)

Young Boys – £70 (Runner up: £50, MOTMx2: £20)

Chairman’s XI – £25 (third place)

Pikey Scum – £10 (Wenger Trophy)

Test Team – £10 (MOTM)

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Reds manager vows to defend second Kenna title with honour

Walthamstow Reds won the Kenna for the second time in three years with the manager vowing to ‘defend the title with honour’.

‘We’re delighted to claim our second Kenna title and it will certainly be among the international news highlights of May 2022, like the ongoing Depp v Heard defamation court case and Sam Ryder technically winning Eurovision,’ said the Reds boss.

‘But now the challenge is to win back-to-back championships next season. That’s straight talk, not marketing speak, and shows how much the world’s leading London pub-based fantasy football league means to the club and me as a manager.’.

Many have questioned the manager’s ability to perform such a feat with the Reds franchise rumoured to be moving the south Midlands next season.

‘We will defend the title with honour,’ said the manager. ‘When I go to the 2022/23 auction as the manager of Oxford Reds I’ll be looking to sign top talent, and not the likes of Kurt Zouma or Nathan Collins.’

The Clotted Cream First manager won the Covid Cup for the second time in three years, and is being hailed as ‘Pandemic Cup Specialist’.

Kenna season 2021/22 – Manager of the Month

Full scores available from The Rub.

Prize money

Walthamstow Reds – £170 (Champions: £150, MOTMx2: £20)

Clotted Cream First – £155 (Cup winner: £75, Runner up: £50, MOTMx3: £30)

Molesey Massive – £35 (Third: £25, MOTM: £10)

Dynamo Charlton – £30 (Wenger Trophy: £10, MOTMx2: £20)

Barry Town – £10 (MOTM)

Thame Network Solutions – £10 (MOTM)

Kenna week 34

Kenna week 33 - 24 May 2022
Kenna week 34 – 24 May 2022

Covid Cup Final

Clotted Cream First 26 – 23 Pikey Scum

Kenna week 33

Kenna week 33 - 20 May 2022
Kenna week 33 – 20 May 2022

Kenna week 32

Kenna week 32 - 10 May 2022
Kenna week 32 – 10 May 2022

Kenna week 31

Kenna week 31 - 3 May 2022
Kenna week 31 – 3 May 2022
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Free to a good home

Two potential future Kenna chairmen. Hardly witnessed any substance abuse and content to watch Polish satellite television Premier League multi room for limited periods before demanding badly-written, dog-themed American animation show. Promising careers beckon but feud over Kenna top job ascendancy possible. Would love to keep them but seriously hinder administration of the world’s leading London pub-based fantasy football league.

February, March, April season highlights

  • Molesey Massive have clung onto lead at the top of the table, despite surge from Walthamstow Reds which sees the sides within a point of each other at the end of April
  • Top six positions remained unchanged for three months until Barry Town edged ahead of Thame Network Solutions last week
  • Thieving Magpies have twice climbed out of the relegation zone before twice sliding back in
  • Clotted Cream First reach third Covid Cup final in four seasons. Cream beat two times cup winner the Chairman in the semi final
  • Cream face Pikey Scum in the final next weekend. Whoever wins will be the first manager in the history of the Kenna to win three cups

Kenna week 30

Full scores available from The Rub

Kenna week 26 – 26 April 2022

Kenna week 29

Kenna week 29 – 19 April 2022

Covid Cup semi final second leg

Chairman 21 (56) – 41 (82) Clotted Cream First
Reds 31 (52) – 22 (57) Pikey Scum

Kenna week 28

Kenna week 28 – 12 April 2022

Covid Cup semi final first leg

Chairman 35 – 41 Clotted Cream First
Reds 21 – 35 Pikey Scum

Kenna week 27

Kenna week 27 – 5 April 2022

Covid Cup quarter final second leg

Chairman 23 (67) – 23 (52) Dynamo Charlton
Clotted Cream First 28 (69) – 30 (65) Craft Beer Wankers
Molesley Massive 29 (54) – 28 (71) Reds
Barry Town 16 (52) – 32 (61) Pikey Scum

Kenna week 26

Kenna week 26 - 22 March 2022
Kenna week 26 – 22 March 2022

Covid Cup quarter final first leg

Chairman 44 – 29 Dynamo Charlton
Clotted Cream First 41 – 35 Craft Beer Wankers
Molesley Massive 25 – 43 Reds
Barry Town 36 – 29 Pikey Scum

Kenna week 25

Kenna week 25 - 15 March 2022
Kenna week 25 – 15 March 2022

Covid Cup last 16 second leg

Chairman 59 (86) – 16 (44) Dark Lord
Dynamo Charlton 38 (61) – 27 (36) Hairy Fadjeetas
Piss Poor 34 (80) – 48 (87) Clotted Cream First
TNS 45 (84) – 37 (92) Craft Beer Wankers
Molesley Massive 50 (90) – 29 (41) Daggers
Cowley Casuals 46 (105) – 53 (110) Reds
Barry Town 42 (70) – 7 (17) Bala Rinas
Lokomotiv 31 (62) – 39 (63) Pikey Scum

Kenna week 24

Kenna week 24 - 9 March 2022
Kenna week 24 – 9 March 2022

Covid Cup last 16 first leg

Chairman 27 – 28 Dark Lord
Dynamo Charlton 23 – 9 Hairy Fadjeetas
Piss Poor 46 – 39 Clotted Cream First
TNS 39 – 55 Craft Beer Wankers
Molesley Massive 40 – 12 Daggers
Cowley Casuals 59 – 57 Reds
Barry Town 28 – 10 Bala Rinas
Lokomotiv 31 – 24 Pikey Scum

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Chairman’s keynote address to the 17th Kenna transfer window

The Colton Arms, West Kensington, Saturday 5 February 2022, 1pm

Welcome to the Kenna transfer window, the first in-person transfer
window for two years.

And what a couple of years it’s been. Looking around at the faces gathered here today I can see lockdown, the anxiety, the stress, it’s really taken its toll.

I look in the eyes of managers and I can see they’re emptier than Anfield when Liverpool won their first Premier League. Emptier even than 10 March 2001 in Woking Pizza Express.

But salvation is here. The Kenna transfer window is upon us and your wellbeing is restored. At least until you start signing players.

Over the last two years the world has changed in many ways, but one phenomenon of particular note is the traditional elites becoming more accountable for their personal conduct.

No longer does enormous wealth, fame, or political power insulate your ethical failings.

The prime minister can’t have a drink at work.

Novak Djokovic can’t get into Australia.

Harvey Weinstein can’t get laid.

Prince Andrew can’t not sweat all over a teenage girl, even a teenage
who’s procuring more teenage girls for him not to sweat over.

Idris Elba can’t even get into this pub.

So amongst all this moral consternation you had every right to arrive today concerned.

Concerned that with many traditional power structures being uprooted the Kenna executive may not be beyond reproach.

As your chairman I’m her to tell you those concerns are completely unfounded. The Kenna League is here to stay.

The admin errors, the vague rules around the Titus Bramble forfeit ruling, the vice chairman not pulling his weight. Everything you know about the Kenna remains untouched.

But I bring a stark warning. Now I’m not the kind of autocratic, fear mongering leader who would create an enemy out of thin air to further legitimise my own iron grip on the regime, but the Kenna has emerged from the pandemic with a new enemy: Autofillism.

Too many managers are leaving the fortunes of their team to the autofill. Too many managers are not coming to the pub. Too many managers are not buying a round.

Let’s take one of the biggest proponents of autofillism, the Judean Peoples’ Front manager.

He hasn’t turned up to a Kenna event for so long I was beginning to take it personally.

But then I checked his social media accounts. I saw the classic car rallies in Italy, the auctions in Pebble Beach, the hobnobbing in the south of France, and I realised Breivik is just as absent a father as he is a Kenna manager.

And there you have it: the worst insult that could possibly levelled at anyone in the league, and Breivik isn’t even here to respond.

Because it turns out he’s just as absent a Kenna manager as he is a father.

Nevertheless, to counter the rising threat of autofillism next season rules will be introduced to punish those absent and reward those present.

The rules are likely to involve buyout clauses at the February transfer window for autofilled players. The rules are likely to be draconian. The rules are likely to be ill-conceived and easily misunderstood.

But that’s the Kenna. That’s why you keep coming back. Most of you certainly don’t come to win anything.

Let the transfer window begin.

Covid Cup quarter final first leg fixtures this weekend

Chairman v Dark Lord
Dynamo Charlton v Hairy Fadjeetas
Piss Poor v Clotted Cream First
TNS v Craft Beer Wankers
Molesley Massive v Daggers
Cowley Casuals v Reds
Barry Town v Bala Rinas
Lokomotiv v Pikey Scum

Kenna League week 23

Full scores available from The Rub.

Kenna week 23 – 22 February 2022

Kenna League week 22

Kenna week 22 – 15 February 2022
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Graywash

SUE Gray has completely exonerated the chairman of any wrongdoing in her report filed this week.

The inquiry found the vice chairman guilty of touching several children in his club’s academy, and Sue Gray has reported him to the police.

The vice chairman’s side was ditched out of the Covid Cup this week ahead of the knockout round, along with Judean Peoples’ Front, Thieving Magpies, and Test Team (please ignore).

“When I arrive at the transfer window on Saturday the chairman’s going to get both barrels,” fumed the vice chairman while loading his colonial cosplay elephant gun.

Even though the window promises to be a special event, with many league members not having seen each other in person for at least two years, the managers of Reds and Casuals maintain they’ll be drinking nothing stronger than coffee on the 10.34 from Oxford.

Transfer window schedule this Saturday

11.37am – Idris Elba tries to get into the Colton Arms but is turned away

12pm – managers gather in the Colton Arms

12.45pm – window opens

6pm – window closes

Free agents scoring at least three points a week this season

Rudiger – 101
Ramsdale – 99
Kilman – 91
Emmanuel Dennis – 86
Fornals – 85
Saiss – 82
Norgaard – 79
Smith Rowe – 79
Mbuemo – 78
Regulion – 75
Edouard – 75
Rice – 75
Canos – 71
Odegaard – 71
Josh King – 69
Kovacic – 69
Gundogan – 68
Townsend – 67
Hojbjerg – 67
Tomiyasu – 66
Krul – 65
Buendia – 63
McTominay – 63
Mac Allister – 63
Moder – 62
Janelt – 61
Jacob Ramsey – 61

Released players and war chests

Managers may release one additional wildcard player at any time during the window

ManagerReleasedBramble tiedWar chestGaps
Bala RinasCedric, Hendo, Thiago, Savile70.5DF, MFx2, ST
FadgesBertrand, Holgate, Taylor, Ndombele, Jensen70DFx3, MFx2
Test TeamAurier, Cahill, Bailey, GreenwoodDigne/Bailey57.5DFx2, MF, ST
Lokomotiv LeedsPVA, Holding, Havertz, Rodri, Martial51.5DFx2, MFx2, ST
ChairmanCastagne43DF
PirateBen Davies, Ryan Fraser42DF, MF
Piss PoorPereira, Traore B, Maitland-Niles39DF, MFx2
Pies36
Vice chairmanAreola, Mendy, Zouma, J Rod, Burn, Gil, Barnes36GK, DFx3, MFx2, ST
DaggersFred, Doucoure, Nketiah36MFx2, ST
Breivik36
Pikey ScumLo Celso35.5MF
Cowley CasualsLeno, Fofana, Doherty26.5GK, DFx2
Barry TownBoly, Bellerin, Young, Eze, Joelinton26DFx3, MF, ST
CreamF Torres, A Traore25.5ST, MF
Reverse CowboysAbraham25ST
Dynamo CharltonWan-Bissaka, Wilson C23.5DF, ST
Molseley MassiveShaw, Targett, Pulisic, Ayoze14.5DFx2, MFx2
Dark LordAuba, Chilwell14DF, ST
RedsGodfrey, Pepe, Benteke14DF, MF, ST

Kenna League week 20

Full scores available from The Rub.

Kenna week 20 - 25 January 2022
Kenna week 20 – 25 January 2022

Kenna League week 19

Kenna week 19 - 18 January 2022
Kenna week 19 – 18 January 2022

Covid Cup group stage final standings

Covid Cup - 25 January 2022
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