2011 – The Jeff Kenna League

Chickens Long past their Best

The Headless Chickens manager was left choking on his Christmas leftovers this week as former striker Dimitar Berbatov racked up over double the score of Leon Best and Shane Long.

The Bulgarian hitman scored 23 points over Christmas, while the Chickens’ current front two got 11 between them.

Chickens occupy tenth spot going into the New Year. They would look poised to move up the table, but for a lack of goals: only eight have been scored by the whole side this term.

“I have every confidence in every department of my team to produce the goods, not just Leon and Shane,” squawked the Chickens boss, whose £9m midfielder Pedersen is currently playing at left back.

Meanwhile, Lokomotiv Leeds extended their lead over FC Testiculadew at the top of the table, despite goals from FCT’s Dempsey and Mata.

Vasco De Beauvoir’s awful run of form has landed them in the relegation zone for the first time since before their double-winning 2009/10 season.

“The fans are starting to restless but I’m sure we can answer our critics with results on the pitch,” said the Vasco De Beauvoir gaffer-OUT, while trying to tempt Craig Gardner down from his hiding place in a tree.

Weekly scores - 29 December 2011 — Christmas was a points bonanza for some

Testiculadew toppled

Having forged what looked like an unassailable lead by September, FC Testiculadew have lost the top spot to Lokomotiv Leeds.

The northern club have mounted a growing challenge in recent weeks due to strong showings from Rafa Van der Vaart, Yaya Touré and Daniel Sturridge.

It was a goal and clean sheet from Slovak Martin Skrtel that made the difference this weekend as Lokomotiv pipped FCT at the table top by three points.

However, a dark shadow hangs over Leeds’ title hopes as Yaya Touré could be off to Africa.

Another dark shadow hangs over other parts of the Kenna in the form of rac1sm. Superfuzz striker Luis Suarez was handed an eight-match ban for comments made to Pikey Scum defender Patrice Evra.

Thieving Magpies are also set to face more woe as defender John Terry is expected to be charged with rac1sm.

“I don’t understand it, you couldn’t meet a nicer guy,” lied the ‘Pies boss.

The Cup of No Hope

The lower echelons of the table have never been a bad place to be, so long as there’s the good chance to get on a bit of cup run.

Sadly, this is not the case for any managers in this season’s Kenna, where two of teams in the relegation zone have also scored nil points in the Cannestan Combi Cup.

Heads may be nearing the block at Thieving Magpies and Spartak Mogadishu.

Touré of Duty

Toyota Hilux — Hitting the road?: Toure torn between war and the Kenna

Title challengers Lokomotiv Leeds face a not-so-happy New Year with the prospect of losing their star midfielder Yaya Touré to the African Cup of Nations.

“Our country needs people like myself and Didier Drogba because there is a war and it’s important we do what we can for our people, but this is also a crucial time of the season,” said Touré, studiously doing keepy ups while seven friends carrying Russian assault rifles beckoned him from the rear of a 1988 Toyota Hilux.

Lokomotiv find themselves in a top three separated by only 18 points going into Christmas week.

“We’ve got plenty of talent in midfield to maintain pressure on FCT and Newington Reds in Yaya’s absence,” said the Lokomotiv manager at the club’s training ground, before diving for cover from another errant Victor Moses goal attempt.

Newington Reds are also set to lose prolific, Senegalese striker Demba Ba to the tournament in Gabon and Equatorial Guinea.

“Baaaaa!” opined the Reds gaffer.

Cut out for mid-table

PSV coaching staff — The PSV Mornington coaching staff

The PSV Mornington manager stared down at the remains of his arroz con leche and sighed a heavy sigh.

His self-imposed exile of the last few days was not having its desired effect. He’d locked himself in his office and hadn’t seen anyone outside the room since Saturday night.

He turned up his face and spoke slowly: “Just when I was starting to get a run of form together Gary Cahill gets sent off and Frank Lampard misses a penalty. How can I make up the 36 points to climb the next place in the table with most of my team misfiring?”

This short outburst over the PSV manager returned his gloomy gaze to the table.

“I want my team to play with the freedom and the fluidity of yours. How have you made such a team of superstars gel, when I can’t even get Salgado and Wes Brown to spring an offside trap?” he said, as much to his glass of hot chocolate as to anyone else.

Utterly at odds with himself, the PSV boss wiped away a tear before heading to the sofa for this third siesta of the day.

The life-sized, cardboard cut out of Pep Guardiola propped against the door stared in silence.

Weekly scores 6 December 2011 — Weekly scores - 6 December 2011

Lazy cup results

A Kenna board member announces the new TV deal — "We'll see you on Thursday, Channel 5"

Kenna HQ announced this week that they’ve sold the Cannestan Combi Cup TV rights to Channel 5.

A glamorous unveiling of the new deal, worth £50 and a 1995 Panini sticker of John Solako playing for Crystal Palace, was made in an exclusive central London venue.

The Chairman said: “Being positive about equal rights, we made sure there was a BME guy on stage when we announced the deal. It’s also good for business in the subcontinent.

“We tried to get John Barnes, but he was booked raising awareness for some cause or other.”

Kenna critics have pointed out that the cup is nothing more than a moneyspinner for the administration, and claim that the publication of last week’s table today shows a lack of committment to the competition.

A press release from Kenna HQ said: “The Chairman’s been so busy flying to Ukraine for the Euro 2012 draw that there simply hasn’t been time to post the results.

“The good news, however, is that the Chairman has successfully met with the president of the Polish FA in Kiev to get some advice on securing new premisis for Kenna HQ.

“In the cup last week some stuff happened. We’re pretty sure no one reads this far down anyway, and there are loads of group games left too, so who cares at this stage?”

Cup groups after game two - 29 November 2011 — Cup groups after two rounds

cup second round

Mata of fact

Even without Rafa van der Vaart, Lokomotiv Leeds are giving FC Testiculadew a challenge; Little Pea, Dean Sturridge and the unlikely Victor Moses providing the lion’s share of the team’s points this week.

It’s fortunate that the Yorkshire club are just Juan Mata’s contribution this week behind, as the pack are ambling along 50 points off the leader.

The Chairman said: “Betting without Lokomotiv, only a small miracle can stop Mata and his FCT chums from completely running off with the league.

“Well, either a small miracle or playing Rooney deep in midfield and leaving Dzeko on the bench for a few games, although the latter doesn’t seem to be helping.”

Young Boys stand firm against thick bush

Young Boys cup hopes — The Young Boys manager has promised his charges a tilt at the cup

Group A

Young Boys held their nerve in the face of some Hairy Fadjeetas to claim three points in group A. The Kilburn outfit have a point to prove as they were knocked out at the group stage last season.

Thieving Magpies 16 – 25 Lokomotiv Leeds
Young Boys 27 – 25 Hairy Fadjeetas

Group B

Just Put Carles’ astronomic start to the season appears to be receeding after they were beaten by midtable strugglers Polonia Forsyth.

JPC 14 – 27 Polonia Forsyth
Bala Rinas 19 – 33 Headless Chickens

Group C

There was more woe for bottom-placed Spartak Mogadishu away at Dynamo Charlton. PSV’s renaissance continued apace at Superfuzz.

SuperFuzz 22 – 28 PSV Mornington
Dynamo Charlton 25 – 22 Spartak Mogadishu

Group D

Drubbing of the round goes to Lurliners, who were beaten by 30 points at the Scum.

JPF 23 – 32 FC Testiculadew
Pikey Scum 42 – 12 Lurliners

Chuck Norris*

Barn owls — Robin van Persie, Chuck Norris and a barn owl watch JPF ship another goal

Anyone would assume that with Robin van Persie in your starting line up, your team would be soaring up the league.

Not the Judean Peoples’ Front boss, who really is struggling to spread his wings in midtable despite the Dutchman’s form.

“If Robin van Persie were a bird of prey, he’s be a fooking barn owl,” asserted the JPF manager in a faux Lancashire accent outside their Nazareth Rec home ground.

“As for the rest of my team they can flock off . Cleverly and Gallas are injured, the defence is sh1te, and why did I buy Shaun Derry?” said the beleagured manager, spitting feathers.

*For those who have no idea what this post is about ask the JPF manager to tell the story at the next transfer window

Weekly scores - 22 November 2011 — Week 14 - scores

Management training

Vasco presentation — "...to be a successful manager you need skill, judgement, luck and not to be so far gone on auction night that you wake up the next day with Titus Bramble...especially now he's inside."

A little later than planned, last week’s scores are now available.

The table would’ve been up sooner, but the Chairman and Vasco boss were away on a management training course (in separate hotel rooms, mind).

Honoured to have been invited, the Vasco manager prepared a 30-minute PowerPoint presentation for the group entitled ‘Leading Your Team To Success’.

Unfortunately, the delegates did not share the Vasco manager’s enthusiasm for going through each week’s spreadsheet of the 2005/06 season, and he made a sharp exit before the crowd turned.

Luckily, the Chairman had already started the car.

Glory assured

Once this cursed international break is over, we’ll have definitely learned one thing: a team can be as comfortable in their fancy dan possession as they like, but to win matches a side doesn’t need the skill to string together more than three passes.

Certainly, the England team, in fact England as a whole, will now adopt this philosophy and full-scale frenzy will descend upon the country until they slink out of Poland and/or Ukraine after losing on penalties to a Republic of Ireland team who can string together just two passes.

If any Englishmen out there start thinking “Maybe we could just do it this….” Stop! Have a word with yourself. We haven’t done it for 46 years.

The tumbleweed will surface in the Sweden game.

Group A

Thieving Magpies 16 – 25 Lokomotiv Leeds Young Boys 27 – 25 Hairy Fadjeetas