"What do you mean I've already bought a Tott... but... Titus who?"
The most infamous collection of names since the Nomenklatura has arrived.
Managers trying to buy an illegal player at next week’s auction will face the ignominy of fielding one of the Titus Bramble offerings below.
The players have been picked in the spirit of Bramble philosophy: they’ll play sometimes, they may even score on occaision, but most of time they’ll do less actual work than Sven Goran-Eriksson.
This season’s Bramble ruling has been tidied up to avoid a repeat of January’s ugly incident that left the Barking manager without a job.
The updated ruling – highlights
Managers will invoke the Bramble ruling if they buy, or try to buy:
More than one player from a particular Premiership club – the most expensive of the two will be replaced.
A player that causes them to exceed the £100m budget – their most expensive player, regardless of who they bought last, will be replaced.
Once they’ve undergone the Bramble ruling, the offending manager may not take part in the next round of bidding and must buy a pitcher of beer (get the next round).
Managers found to be consistently making illegal bids to drive up the value of players will invoke the Titus Bramble ruling.
Full league rules and regulations, including changes to the Bramble ruling, will be shared soon.
The Titus Bramble list – 2011/12
Under the updated ruling, Bramble players in each position will be awarded in the order they appear below.
If a manager has a player from the same club as the first available Bramble, then the next Bramble down will be awarded.
Each Bramble player will cost £0.5m.
Goalkeepers
1
John Ruddy
Norwich
2
Jose Moreira
Swansea City
3
Paddy Kenny
QPR
Defenders
1
Titus Bramble
Sunderland
2
Danny Shittu
QPR
3
Zak Whitbread
Norwich City
4
Angel Rangel
Swansea City
5
Rafik Halliche
Fulham
6
Christophe Berra
Wolves
7
Stotirios Kyrgiakos
Liverpool
8
Pablo Ibanez
West Bromwich Albion
Midfielders
1
Shaun Wright-Phillips
Manchester City
2
Josh McEachran
Chelsea
3
Emmanuel Frimpong
Arsenal
4
Christian Poulson
Liverpool
5
Hendry Thomas
Wigan Athletic
6
Darron Gibson
Manchester United
7
Michael Tonge
Stoke City
8
Dan Gosling
Newcastle United
Strikers
1
Michael Owen
Manchester United
2
Ji Dong-Won
Sunderland
3
Emile Heskey
Aston Villa
4
Conor Sammon
Wigan Athletic
5
Magaye Gueye
Everton
6
Sam Vokes
Wolves
7
Roman Bednar
West Bromwich Albion
8
Mamady Sidibie
Stoke City
Bramble players may be subject to change before the auction night, depending on transfers.
The word ‘wantaway’ crops up every summer to the chagrin of the Kenna manager.
With the auction taking place three weeks before the end of the transfer window, there’s always a risk of blowing the budget on a ‘top, top, top, top‘ player for him to do one before the season has even begun.
So with the potential for either player to stay in England and rack up a Kenna-winning points total, which player is more likely to go for the most money at auction?
Spanish, Basque, Catalan, Valencian, Aragonese and, for good measure, Portuguese players have been pitched against each other to determine precisely which brand of tiki-taka managers should adopt next season.
The outcome
From the small data set available, it’s concluded that Valencian players offer the best return. Basque players are also a good investment, provided they’re not extorted for revolutionary tax by their fellow countrymen. The Portuguese are an excellent choice and Castilians are a safe bet.
Players from Aragon and Catalonia are overrated and should be left well alone.
Tevez, hairplugs, malaria, molester, out of form, dobber: in that order
Carlos Tevez has put quality time with his daughters on hold to become the most expensive signing in the DT player list, issued today.
The ‘wantaway’ striker, who spurned free plastic surgery on a childhood accident that left his neck scarred for life, shares the top spot with a man who had hairplugs fitted and announced it on the internet.
Frank Lampard takes the wig in midfield, despite his truly awful season for bottom-placed PSV last season. Watch Gareth Bale’s auction value plummet as he no longer picks up clean sheet points.
Vidic is the new JT/Ian Harte as the priciest defender. Joe Hart’s club form makes him first choice ‘keeper.
Managers are reminded that the position in which a player is included on this list, is the position they will play in their Kenna 4-4-2 formation.
View the player list by clicking on the PDF icon on the right, and remember: a Kenna manager is better than the information contained in the green box at the top.
Just one calendar month to go until the start of the new season. Salty.
In the only concrete football news this week, Liverpool finally bought Charlie Adam.
Now they have all these new options in midfield, and considering that Raul Miereles picked up more goals and assists than the fading Stevie G last season, the chalk stripes and Rolexes in Kenna HQ speculations department are pondering which midfielder will pick up the biggest price tag at auction.
Although still in the Midlands, Stewart ‘ showdown talks’ Downing has been included only because everyone except McLeish wants him to be there.
And so the first edition of what’s hoped to be a weekly fixture begins: The Friday poll.
Stripped-down value: there's always a touch of gold to be found in the bargain basement
A familiar scenario: it’s 10.30pm on auction night, you’re three sheets to the wind and there are four spaces to fill in your team.
It’s your turn to introduce a player to the bidding. Squinting at the tiny print of the player list the first name you see amongst the crossings out and the beer stains is Jonathan Spector. Surely, it hasn’t come to this?
The next few seconds can make or break a season.
These are the players (Spector aside) that can bring the most value to a Kenna team. In summer 2009, Vasco De Beauvoir paid a mere £500k for Carlos ‘Hughes won’t pick him’ Tevez. The Argentine’s imperious form that season significantly helped Vasco De Beauvoir lift their second league title and scoop the first ever double. Mark Hughes got sacked by Christmas.
Below are the nine top-scoring £0.5m players from last season’s auction. Taylor and Etherington come as little surprise, and Giggy’s prowess is well documented, but the Blackburn Mamba just goes to show that popular talent is not a pre-requisite of individual Kenna success.
Furthermore, 11 Martin Skretls would’ve won the league last season. That’s a lot of sultry Slovak.
