A Mata of expedience

A record 75 players were culled this week as managers attempt to improve their team’s chances ahead of tomorrow night’s transfer window.

FC Testiculadew’s Jose Bosingwa and Bala Rinas’s Andrey Asharvin were among the high-profile names to contraversially find a P45 in their pigeonholes yesterday, as their respective managers deemed them surplus to requirements.

“Bosingwa’s made one of his best starts to any season. He has the odd wobble, but in that position he’s the best player we’ve got and he just signed a new contract,” said the Chelsea fan in the office in a rare moment of reasoned analysis.

There was scandal surrounding the Judean Peoples’ Front manager, who in a leaked communique entitled ‘sweeping changes’ described his team as an “underperforming bunch of tossers”. The club released six players.

The Pikey Scum boss went one better, releasing seven signings back into the pot, including Bacary Sagna.

Just Put Carles, who currently lie second in the table, were the only team not to release any players.

Below is a list of footballers, rightly or wrongly, discharged by managers.

On the right, find a document entitled ‘Available players’, split into positions and ordered in points scored.

Players released by Kenna clubs
In no particular order

1. FC Testiculadew
Maicon
Ireland
Lennon
Bosingwa​

2. Newington Reds
Rio Ferdinand
Michael Dawson
Kolo Toure
Marc Albrighton
Grant Holt

3. Pikey Scum
Gomes
Sagna
Alex
Emerton
Petrov, S
Carroll
Beckford

4. Spartak Mogadishu
Carlos Teves
Jay Bothroyd
Cesc Fabregas
Ryan Nelson

5. Lurliners
Ivanovic, B
Zabaleta, P
Rodriguez, M
Dong-Won, J
Doyle, K

6. Vasco De Beavoir 
Sneijder
Ebanks-Blake
Shittu

7. Hairy Fadjeetas
Djourou
A Hughes
Pienaar
Miereles
Kevin Davies

8. Lokomotiv Leeds
Heitinga
Wilshere

9. Polonia Forsyth
​Rodallega
Fabianski
Essien​

10. Dan Terry Seduction
Pennant
Squillaci
Kyrgiakos

11. Young Boys
Huth
Rafael
Jerome Thomas
K Richardson
DJ Campbell

12. PSV Mornington
Aurelio

​13. Headless Chickens
Lee Chung-Yong
Berbatov
Kalou
Enrique

14. Dynamo Charlton
Phil Neville
Etuhu
Giggs
Gyan

​15. Judean Peoples’ Front
G Johnson
Bramble
Berra
Taarabt
Valencia
Heskey

16. Superfuzz
S Harper
Higginbotham
Senderos
Diaby

17. Bala Rinas
Owen
Super Pav
Bardsley
N’Somnia
Asharvin

​18. Thieving Magpies
Vermaelen
Gera
K Dyer
Bilyaletdinov
Kenwyne Jones

19. Just Put Carles
No transfers