Cup draw results

Teams have been drawn for the group stages of this season’s Cannestan Combi Cup, the oldest and most prestigious tournament contest in Kenna history.

With 19 entrants, this season’s group stage sees group D teams only having to play three matches. In all the other groups teams will play four.

The top two teams from each group will progress to a two-leg, knock-out stage, to be drawn at the Feburary window.

League points difference over the group fixtures will decide who progresses in the event of being level on cup points in the group.

Simple.

Cup dates will be announced soon.

Group A

Thieving Magpies

Lokomotiv Leeds

Young Boys of Kilburn

Hairy Fadjeetas

Vasco De Beauvoir

Group B

Just Put Carles

Polonia Forsyth

Bala Rinas

Headless Chickens

Newington Reds

Group C

Superfuzz

PSV Mornington

Dynamo Charlton

Spartak Mogadishu

The Dan Terry Seduction

Group D

Judean Peoples’ Front

FC Testiculadew

Pikey Scum

Lurliners

Cup rules

Over the next three months teams will be will be pitched against each other in pre-selected weeks.

Whoever picks up the most points in that week will earn three cup points. Teams scoring an equal amount will get one a piece.

There are no points for a loss.

Teams equal on cup points at the end of the group stages will be decided on league points difference.

Window smashes records

More Kenna records were left as smashed as the managers last night as the transfer window attracted 14 bidders.

In a pressure-cooker atmosphere behind some thick curtains in the upstairs of a Piccadilly pub, 13 managers packed in for business.

The Thieving Magpies manager offered some applied phone bidding. Kevin Doyle and Gabriel Obertan were his reward.

Colonel Gaddafi and Vincent Tabak sadly couldn’t make it.

League leaders FC Testiculadew (pronounced ‘Test-ick-you-lah-joo’, didn’t you know?) picked up in form attacker Juan Mata for £31m, much to the concern of those present.

Emmanuel Adebayor attracted the biggest price tag as the Pikey Scum boss recovered from his night inside to stump up £43m.

“An excellent evening and well attended,” said the Chairman. “Managers should remember that their new players will only start to score points from next weekend.

“Those not present who needed players can be assured there was an open and transparent process to fill the gaps in their teams.”

Full details, and the results of the Cannestan Combi Cup draw, will be published soon.

Top five most expensive window signings

Emmanuel Adebayor – £43m (Pikey Scum)
Juan Mata – £31m (FC Testiculadew)
Gabby Agbonlahor – £22m (Bala Rinas)
Phil Jones – £22m (Newington Reds)
Leon Best – £16m (Headless Chickens)

PHONEJACK-ERR

The Pikey Scum manager’s transfer window preparations were left in tatters last night after he was arrested.

Police collared the Scum boss on the grounds that the stolen iPhone incident he was apparently the victim of on Tuesday was allegedly an elaborate insurance fraud.

Details have emerged that the chief suspect in the case was known to the Scum manager beforehand and was actually his defender Patrice Evra.

“I’m telling you, the guy was a honky!” pleaded the Scum gaffer as stoney-faced policemen placed him in handcuffs at the club’s home stadium Trailer Park.

Evra was brought in for questioning, but he just shrugged a lot while chainsmoking Gauloises. Both men were bailed in the early hours.

Police initially followed up leads that a third man was involved and arrested the Spartak Mogadishu manager.

He was later released due to lack of evidence.

“This be gettin’ ridiculous,” said the Spartak manager this morning outside the club’s Spyglass Hill training facility. “If ye tryin’ to throw me in the brig, ye should try doin’ it for summint I actually done, like those French tourists I got locked in me….um….shivver me timbers, be that the time? I must be away to get shipshape for ye transfer porthole.”

PIKEY SCUM!

The Pikey Scum manager is making an charitable appeal after his iPhone was snatched yesterday.

In an incident laced with irony, the Scum manager’s phone was grabbed by a passing cyclist while he was trying to resolve the weekend’s incident involving his star defender Patrice Evra.

The assailant is still at large.

“I’ll be raising money to buy a new iPhone at the transfer night,” said the optimistic Scum manager.

A CCTV still photo has been released of the suspect. It shows a black man in his 20s wearing a sleeveless hooded top and riding a bicycle just before the incident.

Police initially brought in the Spartak Mogadishu manager for questioning, but he was later released due to lack of evidence.

“I prefers to do me plunderin’ at cutlass point,” said the Spartak manager.

A Mata of expedience

A record 75 players were culled this week as managers attempt to improve their team’s chances ahead of tomorrow night’s transfer window.

FC Testiculadew’s Jose Bosingwa and Bala Rinas’s Andrey Asharvin were among the high-profile names to contraversially find a P45 in their pigeonholes yesterday, as their respective managers deemed them surplus to requirements.

“Bosingwa’s made one of his best starts to any season. He has the odd wobble, but in that position he’s the best player we’ve got and he just signed a new contract,” said the Chelsea fan in the office in a rare moment of reasoned analysis.

There was scandal surrounding the Judean Peoples’ Front manager, who in a leaked communique entitled ‘sweeping changes’ described his team as an “underperforming bunch of tossers”. The club released six players.

The Pikey Scum boss went one better, releasing seven signings back into the pot, including Bacary Sagna.

Just Put Carles, who currently lie second in the table, were the only team not to release any players.

Below is a list of footballers, rightly or wrongly, discharged by managers.

On the right, find a document entitled ‘Available players’, split into positions and ordered in points scored.

Players released by Kenna clubs
In no particular order

1. FC Testiculadew
Maicon
Ireland
Lennon
Bosingwa

2. Newington Reds
Rio Ferdinand
Michael Dawson
Kolo Toure
Marc Albrighton
Grant Holt

3. Pikey Scum
Gomes
Sagna
Alex
Emerton
Petrov, S
Carroll
Beckford

4. Spartak Mogadishu
Carlos Teves
Jay Bothroyd
Cesc Fabregas
Ryan Nelson

5. Lurliners
Ivanovic, B
Zabaleta, P
Rodriguez, M
Dong-Won, J
Doyle, K

6. Vasco De Beavoir
Sneijder
Ebanks-Blake
Shittu

7. Hairy Fadjeetas
Djourou
A Hughes
Pienaar
Miereles
Kevin Davies

8. Lokomotiv Leeds
Heitinga
Wilshere

9. Polonia Forsyth
Rodallega
Fabianski
Essien

10. Dan Terry Seduction
Pennant
Squillaci
Kyrgiakos

11. Young Boys
Huth
Rafael
Jerome Thomas
K Richardson
DJ Campbell

12. PSV Mornington
Aurelio

13. Headless Chickens
Lee Chung-Yong
Berbatov
Kalou
Enrique

14. Dynamo Charlton
Phil Neville
Etuhu
Giggs
Gyan

15. Judean Peoples’ Front
G Johnson
Bramble
Berra
Taarabt
Valencia
Heskey

16. Superfuzz
S Harper
Higginbotham
Senderos
Diaby

17. Bala Rinas
Owen
Super Pav
Bardsley
N’Somnia
Asharvin

18. Thieving Magpies
Vermaelen
Gera
K Dyer
Bilyaletdinov
Kenwyne Jones

19. Just Put Carles
No transfers

Dropping the N-bomb

Luis Suarez and Patrice Evra — "Where's your caravan?"

The Kenna was rocked this week by allegations of derogatory remarks made during a match to Pikey Scum defender Patrice Evra.

Superfuzz striker Luis Suarez, who stands accused of using the ‘N’ word, denies any wrongdoing and has the full backing of his manager.

“Like all my players, Luis epitomises the civility, taste and style of Superfuzz FC and I can’t imagine him ever coming out with this type of remark during a match,” said the manager, after putting in a discreet telephone call to Ebony Entertainments Ltd to cancel down the surprise stripper for the club’s Halloween party.

The Pikey Scum manager defended claims that his defender fabricated the incident to draw attention away from another lacklustre performance.

“Being the Pikey Scum of the Kenna it’s a sad fact that we’ve grown used to these sort of comments and this type of negative stereotyping,” he said, while loading scrap metal into an untaxed van under the cover of darkness. “But, to call Patrice a ‘nomad’ during league play, that’s just unacceptable.”

Transfer deadline day – just three hours left!

Jim White being filmed arriving at the Sky Sports studios to take us to the big moment.

Footage of the Spartak Mogadishu manager making Carlos Tevez walk the plank while jabbing him in the back with a rocket-propelled grenade launcher.

A clip of the Polonia Forsyth manager in a chintz dressing gown waving off Hugo Rodallega at her front door.

These are just some of the images we’d like to bring you as the close of submissions for the first transfer window approaches at midday today.

Instead, because of copyright restrictions, all we can provide you with on this momentous occasion is an abstract photo representing what opportunities await as we peep through the window.

For some, transfer night will bring goals, assists, clean sheets and most importantly points to managers looking to press on over the winter period.

For most, Thursday night will end in despair, desparation and the big-money signing of a player you’d never heard of at the pre-season auction.

Find below a list of the top five players in each position not to be part of the Kenna yet this season.

Strikers

Agbonlahor – 39 points
Adebayor – 35 points
Di Santo – 33 points
A Johnson – 31 points
Long – 31 points

Midfielders

Mata – 30 points
Pilkington – 27 points
Eagles – 25 points
B Johnson – 25 points
Diame – 23 points

Defenders

P Jones – 37 points
A Williams – 29 points
S Taylor – 26 points
J Evans – 25 points

Goalkeepers

Vorm – 29 points
Begovic – 28 points
Krul – 26 points
Rudd – 7 points
Lindegaard – 6 points

Once all transfer submissions have been made, a full list of available players will be shared in the next two days.

Quick guide to transfer night

George W Bush — "Dempsey, go big on Dempsey!"

The rapidly-approaching transfer window means a tin-pot guide to bringing in new personnel is in demand.

Transfer nights work in the same way as auction nights, but take a lot less time.

Here are the key points:

Submitting transfers

A manager should submit the players they wish to release by midday on Tuesday (18 October). They can do this confidentially by emailing the Chairman (either personally or through [email protected]) or messaging him on Facebook. The manager recieves the amount paid for each released back, which goes towards their transfer night budget.

Example: the Vasco De Beauvoir manager releases Sneijder (£0.5m), Ebanks-Blake (£2m) and Sh1ttu (£0.5m). He gets a total of £3m back.

Forced transfer submissions

If a player has moved Premiership clubs since the pre-season August, so that a manager has two players from the same club in their team, they must release one of those players. Managers unable to attend the transfer night must still release one of these players (see ‘Attendance’ below).

Example: because Luke Young moved from Villa to QPR, the Vasco manager has two QPR players (Young and Sh1ttu). As manager he must release either one. In this case Sh1ttu.

Budget

The amount received for released players is added to the amount the manager had left over after auction night. This will be their transfer night budget.

Example: the Vasco manager adds the £3m for the released players to the £22m leftover from auction night. This leaves a total transfer kitty of £25m.

Available players

The released players will be added to all the players not signed at the August auction night.

Transfer night auction

Managers attend the transfer evening next Thursday (20 October) and take part in an auction of the available players to fill the spaces in their teams. Bramble rulings

Example: having released Sneijder, Ebanks-Blake and Sh1ttu, the Vasco needs to sign a midfielder, striker and defender the transfer auction.

Bramble ruling

Usual auction rules apply. Managers going over budget or buying two players from the same Premiership club will be penalised under the Bramble Ruling.

Attendance

Managers unable to attend the transfer window can still release and acquire players. However, managers attending the transfer window will always successfully outbid absent managers.

Absent managers must release illegal players (as per ”Forced transfer submissions’ above).

Example: the Lokomotiv Leeds manager cannot attend the transfer night, but can still get back £20m for releasing Wilshere. He may leave some preferred choices of replacement with the Chairman, but he cannot outbid a manager present at the auction unless he makes a phone bid.

Hopefully, this makes sense. Any managers not attending but wishing to do business, should contact the Chairman to the discuss their options.

Bikini bottom

It’s an unnerving time for the mid-table Kenna manager.

Dangling above, FC Testiculadew are slowly drawing in to tea bag the rest of the league.

Lying below, the tangled mess of Hairy Fadjeetas writhes unenticingly with just seven points this week.

“Sh1t! Football is sh1t!” fumed an apoplectic Fadjeetas boss from the rolled-down driver’s window of his 1995 Renault Clio, before checking the mirror, looking both ways and pulling away at a brisk, but ultimately sensible, speed from the hack pack outside the club’s Bikini Lane ground.

Somehwere between the rotten balls and manky bush lurks the thorny issue of seks and drug allegations in the Judean Peoples’ Front camp.

“We’re doing everything we can to get Titus back to full two-appearance-points status,” said the JPF manager, while breathing heavily down the phone to a girl on the witness protection scheme.