Bikini bottom

It’s an unnerving time for the mid-table Kenna manager.

Dangling above, FC Testiculadew are slowly drawing in to tea bag the rest of the league.

Lying below, the tangled mess of Hairy Fadjeetas writhes unenticingly with just seven points this week.

“Sh1t! Football is sh1t!” fumed an apoplectic Fadjeetas boss from the rolled-down driver’s window of his 1995 Renault Clio, before checking the mirror, looking both ways and pulling away at a brisk, but ultimately sensible, speed from the hack pack outside the club’s Bikini Lane ground.

Somehwere between the rotten balls and manky bush lurks the thorny issue of seks and drug allegations in the Judean Peoples’ Front camp.

“We’re doing everything we can to get Titus back to full two-appearance-points status,” said the JPF manager, while breathing heavily down the phone to a girl on the witness protection scheme.

Bottom pressure

Whiskey — Early doors: how will managers handle 'drop zone' pressure?

Three managers will be reaching for the bottle in their bottom drawer a little earlier today as the Kenna table now contains a ‘relegation zone’.

Quite what will happen to managers who face the drop is unclear, so rumours abound.

“Here at Kenna HQ we have a long-term plan to introduce more statistics into the league,” said the Chairman in a corporate Betamax video filmed on the Norfolk Broads. “We want to make managers’ careers more transparent.

“We’re also looking at various options, but I think the possibility is emerging that those in the relegation zone at the end of the season will have to come back at the helm of another club next year….(cough, cough)…and pay an increased entry fee.”

One club currently under pressure is Polonia Forsyth.

The manager’s unorthodox man management methods drew a lot of profile to the club last season.

Local reports claim that the manager has divided her time between Michael Essien’s physio table and pining for the talents of Johan Elmander, and so the team’s performances have slipped.

“These rumours are totally unfounded,” said the Polonia manager, emerging from her office with a framed photo of the club’s top scorer last season and wearing a Black Stars shirt.

Week 7's round up — Demba Ba's hat trick was a boost to Newington Reds

Defoe coming good

The PSV manager — Upbeat: the PSV manager gave a spritely post-match interview on Sunday

Things are finally happening for the PSV Mornington manager.

After seeing his striker Jermaine Defoe pick up a goal and assist (10 points), the PSV boss looked optimistic and relaxed in his post-match interview on Sunday.

Currently lying seventh in the table, the highest place since joining the Kenna in 2009, PSV’s three years of faith in the diminutive target man ultimately seems to have paid off.

The interview was in stark contrast to the manager’s humble apology in May, after they spent most of the season at the bottom of the table.

“The first thing I spoke to Jermaine after the game on Sunday was ‘¿Dónde puñeta has estado? En el pasado, haces lo que le sale de los cajones, y ahora es la verga andando!‘

“I think he understands what I meant,” said the PSV manager, grabbing his crotch.

On the last week’s evidence, PSV look to have some form in the team with David De Gea and Danny Murphy both setting out markers.

The question remains whether ‘El Jefe’ can keep getting enough out of his team to challenge the 17-goal dominance of FC Testiculadew.

Arteta and Barton’s scores will be fully updated by next week’s update.

Week 6 - week's points — PSV topped the weekly scores

Fulham 2 – 2 Man City

Fulham v Man City — Fulham make a rare first-half appearance in the City area

The Vasco De Beauvoir boss was tempted to do his own ‘Poznan’ in the Johnny Haynes stand as Sergio Aguero (12 points) added to his remarkable string of performances.

The Argentine striker was ably assisted by Just Put Carles‘ Silva (5 points) and FC Testiculadew‘s Dzeko (5 points).

Fulham players looked incapable of picking up any points in the first hour, as they kept tight and let City stroke the ball around in their half.

However, after that JPC picked up a Zamora goal (7 points) and PSV Mornington celebrated a Danny Murphy strike in the 75th minute (7 points).

Young Boys (Kompany), Thieving Magpies (Lescott), Pikey Scum (Richards), Headless Chickens (Clichy) and the club formally known as The Dan Terry Seduction (Hart) will all be thoroughly annoyed that they failed to pick up six points for a clean sheet.

In what must be a Kenna first, all the players booked (Sidwell and Barry) were unsigned.

Fulham 1 – 1 Blackburn

Fulham v Blackburn — Good seats courtesy of the Headless Chickens manager

A changable Sunday afternoon at Craven Cottage gave two Kenna managers the chance to scout some mid-table talent.

It was just as well because Vasco De Beauvoir (N’Zonzi and Schwarzer – 3 points) and Hairy Fadjeetas (Givet and Hughes – 4 points) had a mediocre afternoon at the 1-1 draw.

PSV Mornington‘s impeccably turned out Miguel Salgado, who looks like Gerard Depardieu on a daytrip to Bruges, was slow and booked (1 point).

The Judean Peoples’ Front manager needs a quiet word about Damien Duff. The left footer spent the first half on the right delivering poor crosses with his weaker foot, and the next 45 at left back (2 points).

The only significant Kenna display came from Just Put Carles striker Zamora finding the net (7 points).

As in most matches outside the top four, it was unsigned forwards who stole the show.

Former Barcelona youth player Ruben Rochina scored an excellent goal that came off the underside of the bar.

Junior Hoillet was busy and exciting on the wing, and almost scored the winner in injury time but for being knocked out cold by Vasco’s Schwarzer.

However, two Premiership debutants Ruiz and Goodwillie looked shaky.

Despite a lone plea from the the Johnny Haynes stand to ‘Release Bryan!’, Ruiz will do well to look on the bright side of life after failing to make any sort of an impact, falling over a lot and getting subbed off at half time.

David Goodwillie may be Scotland’s player of the year, but, well, that says it all really.

Thank you to the Headless Chickens manager for the tickets.

The Kenna welcomes match reports and photos from managers.

So Long Gyan for Silver

Kenna table week 5 — Kenna table - week 5

The Dynamo Charlton manager has been left stunned by Assamoah Gyan’s decision to leave the bright lights of the Kenna for the obscurity of the Etisalat Pro-league in the UAE, despite telling Jeff All News otherwise.

The Dynamo boss blamed so-called ‘parasites’ who emerged after Gyan’s excellent performance at a friendly against England in March.

“He’s been unsettled now, if we are being brutally honest, for weeks and months,” the Dynamo manager said.

“Since that game at Wembley, all the parasites, as I call them, hover around.

“Real Madrid was the first one, which I laughed at five months ago, but it started with that and it’s ended up with the United Arab Emirates.”

FC Testiculadew extended their lead at the top to 35 points with a hat trick from Wayne Rooney.

It looks increasingly difficult to stop the charge of the club, especially as they dominate the table without Bosnian goal machine Edin Dzeko.

“Bankers are morally inferior to looters,” said the FCT manager to nonplussed hacks outside the VD Stadium, when asked about his decision to leave Dzeko on the bench.

Elsehwere, Lokomotiv Leeds‘ Daniel Sturridge emerged as striker elect in west London.

Linking up with El Chicharito, Lokomotiv’s front men rustled up three goals this week to score the most points.

This is bads new for the Hairy Fadjeetas manager, as Fernando Torres spent the weekend looking on from the sidelines and looks ever more marginalised.

Woo woe continues

Jeff Kenna Invitational Matchplay scorecard — Shocker: the Seduction manager came close to losing on shots

The Seduction manager’s off-the-pitch troubles continued this weekend at Enfield Golf Club.

The manager lost the Jeff Kenna Invitational Matchplay on Saturday, a fixture he usually wins at a canter.

Pressure from last week’s name change fiasco made itself felt as the ‘Grosvenor Allstars‘ manager carded two doubles and a treble bogey on the back nine.

The slip up allowed the Vasco De Beauvoir manager and last season’s Lokomotiv Tooting manager, who had joined forces, to win the round by a hole.

As his striker banged in three goals, the Vasco manager produced some scintilating golf, including two birdies.

It was only an ugly nine at the 16th that prevented him from beating the Seduction manager on strokes for the first time in years.

The Lokomotiv Tooting manager enjoyed some considerable luck, producing several textbook examples of the member’s bounce.

Managers interested in future Jeff Kenna golfing events should contact the Chairman.

Seduction name change nightmare

WHAT A BOOB

Dan Terry Seduction in name change fiasco
Boss ‘failed to woo’ more big names

THE Dan Terry Seduction boss was left out in the cold this week after his board requested the club’s name be changed.

A leaked communique revealed that the boardroom were unhappy with the manager’s choice of team name after a ‘pair of boobs’ on auction night left potential signings turned off.

The cap-in-hand letter to Kenna suits claimed that TWICE the Seduction boss tried to buy players immediately after they were signed by other teams.

The letter goes on to say “after this pair of boobs failed to woo more talent on auction night, we’re having to rebrand the club.

“There’s simply nothing seductive about Dan Terry, or his big boobs.”

A late charm offensive by the under-fire manager was not enough to stop the club changing it’s name to ‘Grosvenor Allstars’.

“We feel that this new bland and unambitious name reflects the true potential of the club,” droned a club statement.

The north London outfit are second from bottom of the league.

A club insider said: “Unless he can get something out of his team soon, the only thing he’ll be courting is disaster.”

Lokomotiv injury woe

The Lokomotiv manager faces a grim autumn ahead with injuries to two of his star midfielders.

Jack Wilshire and Rafael van der Vaart are both out until at least late October.

The playmaker pair will have little chance to make any impact for Lokomotiv Leeds before the November transfer window.

“This is a disappointing start to our first season as Jack and Rafa are both key players. I have every confidence in the rest of the team digging deep until their return,” platituded the Lokomotiv manager.

Strikeforce Javier Hernandez and Dean Sturridge are both yet to notch. Martin Skretl has scored the club’s only goal this season.

The team has been mainly relying on the creativity of Victor Moses.

Lokomotiv currently lie 16th in the Kenna.

The Friday Poll: Deadline day deals

Wednesday’s scramble brought a mixture of well-known experience and fresh talent to these shores.

Which one of these exotic players will adapt to the climate of ‘the best league in the world’ and which will be the next Helder Postiga?

Select who you think will have the most points by the Kenna November transfer window.

[polldaddy poll=5471760]

WHAT A BOOB

Dan Terry Seduction in name change fiasco

Boss ‘failed to woo’ more big names