April 2012 – The Jeff Kenna League

Kenna ‘probably wanted’ to be in bag

Old bag — Bag: Experts say the Kenna would have been forced in by a third party

THE CHAMPIONSHIP title may have wanted to padlock itself into a bag because current managers are so inept, it emerged today at the Kenna-in-the-bag inquiry.

The panel heard chilling evidence from the 2006 Claudio Caniggia World Cup, which attempted to padlock itself into a bag in the aftermath of the controversial tournament.

“The group stages went well, but then the newspaper stopped printing the scores. The administration tried to deal with it by waiting until after the final and getting all the player totals from some random Yank sports website. I felt completely devalued. It was an utter clusterf*ck,” said the Caniggia after the inquiry had watched video evidence of the tournament trying to lock itself in a holdall in 2007.

The panel heard that the Kenna title could have resorted similar actions.

“The mediocre managers in the league today? Their naive auction tactics? I wouldn’t be surprised if this season’s championship had wanted to be in the bag,” stated the Caniggia, fighting back the tears.

Experts maintain that it’s unlikely the Kenna could have got into the bag itself, and that it must have been forced in by a third party.

The inquiry continues.

Load-blowing semis

Tissues — No one envied the Camp Nou commentary box cleaners that night

TWO semi final second legs enthralled Europe with nail-biting drama this week as the Cannestan Combi Cup reached towards climax.

As Gary Neville struggled to explain the mess in the press section, FC Testiculadew celebrated progression to the mother of all sibling rivalries in the May final.

Oppenents PSV Mornington offered little resistance, the gaffer’s advocation of ‘The Barcelona Way’ nullified by signings Andy Carroll and Jermaine Defoe. A mid-table finish awaits.

FCT will face Pavel Pogrebnyak’s Headless Chickens, whose comprehensive second-leg turnaround left Hairy Fadjeetas to fully concentrate on their relegation battle.

“We just kept pumping it into their box and in the end gave them a right going over,” said the Chickens manager, pulling a stray whisker from his teeth.

Cup semi final second leg results

FC Testiculadew 40 (94) – ~~26 (62) PSV Mornington~~

Headless Chickens 36 (64) – ~~12 (48) Hairy Fadjeetas~~

The final will be held between FC Testiculadew and Headless Chickens on Sunday 13 May.

Download the full scores, tables and much more from the ‘Details’ box on the right hand side of the page.

Kenna-in-the-bag inquiry launched

CLINT Dempsey, Wayne Rooney and Wojciech Szczesny are all set to be called as star witnesses in an official Kenna investigation.

The FC Testiculadew players will give evidence after it emerged that their manager has had the Kenna championship padlocked in a bag in his bathroom since January.

The FCT manager will also be called to answer allegations of using ‘dark arts’ to steer his team to league victory in his debut Kenna season.

“I’ve absolutely nothing to fear from these allegations. I think it’s just handbags from the league administration. They’re trying to get me the sack because I’ve been so successful,” said the FCT boss, who’s yet to explain the £20,000 of women’s clothes found in his flat and his decision to buy Shaun Wright-Phillips for £8m.

Kenna HQ are due to call Bosnian striker Edin Dzeko, even though his form has done the biggest disappearing act since the Sky News IT department deleted the canoe man’s emails.

“We will be conducting a full, fair and fearless inquiry into this highly controversial issue. This is no open-and-shut case,” said the Chairman.

Hippo — Gaping: the gap between FCT and the pack is over 100 points

PSV boss rues ‘mean’ Clásico

Catalan flag donkey — Donkey punch: Barcelona suffered title hopes blow

JOSE Mourinho is facing fierce criticism over his tactics in Real Madrid’s victory over Barcelona last night.

The Portuguese is sure to be unsettled by comments made in the wake of the away win by the PSV Mornington manager.

The Catalan put aside recent hostilities with his fellow countryman and gave a resigned press conference at the club’s Crescent stadium

“Yesterday evening it happened that Real Madrid played with 11 players behind the ball – something that should not honour a team with nine European cups – and were lucky enough to get two goals from three shots on target.

“I know, Barcelona did not have that many yesterday, but they had the ball just in front of their [Real Madrid’s] box for 80 per cent of the match, so normally this would mean a Barcelona win,” said the Catalan with a comical look on his face after Total Football’s insides had been kicked out for the second time in four days.

“Anyway, this happens in football, they have played us this way, very mean, for the last 10 matches and just got one win yesterday, one win in the extra time and eight losses – including 2-6, 5-0 and 1-3.”

Usually confident ahead of such fixtures, the PSV boss will endure a nailbiting 48 hours ahead of Barcelona’s ill-fated Champions League second leg with Chelsea.

Poppins eyes Brazilian

RUNNING a football league allows few moments of comedy, especially at Kenna HQ.

But one small pleasure, amongst the endless committee meetings about goal-line technology and the appropriate amount of chutney in the boardroom cheese and pickle sandwiches, is the things that the good old general public want to find when they stumble across your website.

Take Mary Poppins. A Victorian pillar of respectability capable of silencing even the most incongruous of audiences with a single glance.

A more useful asset to any organisation could not be hoped.

Idle speculation aside, no one at Kenna HQ had ever felt so inclined to dwell upon what happened below Miss Poppins’ petticoats as to conduct a more detailed enquiry.

Perhaps they should, as there appears to be a niche market out there.

You can delete your cookies, but you can’t hide them from Jeff.

Hennessey injury hits Fadjeetas

FADJEETAS goalkeeper Wayne Hennessey has been ruled out for the rest of the season after scans revealed he had suffered a torn cruciate ligament.

The Bikini Lane No.1 sustained the knee injury during the weekend’s match and was sent for an MRI examination which confirmed the club’s worst fears.

The Hairy Fadjeetas manager is already staring a relegation battle in the face as his side currently sits just above safety with only four games remaining and with a significantly inferior goal difference.

And they must now face their remaining fixtures without the Wales international shot-stopper, who had racked up 47 points, starting every game this season.

With the 25-year-old sidelined, Hairy Fadjeetas will finish the campaign with 10 men, placing more pressure on stuttering striker Fernando Torres and Bryan Ruiz, who has failed to make an impact since being signed in January.

Hennessey now faces a lengthy road back to full fitness over the next three or four months and faces a battle to be fit for the start of next season.

JPF boss refutes lookalike claims

Fjord defence: JPF boss was quick to refute lookalike claims

DESPITE goals from Robin Van Persie and Ramires this week, Judean Peoples’ Front are yet again struggling to maintain their public image.

The club’s press office was sent into overdrive as world events came crashing through the door of the Kenna and right into the mid-table club.

As millions of people watched the trial of Norwegian mass murderer Anders Breivik it dawned. He looks remarkably like the JPF manager.

The media immediately began drawing parallels. The remorselessness shown by the Bond villain henchman-esque Scandinavian was likened to that of the JPF boss during the Ashley Williams transfer affair.

Eager to avoid a repeat of that last PR disaster, the JPF boss was quick to call a press conference.

“Now look here, I may have told the odd ginger joke and don’t get me started on the bloody English, but I share none of Breivik’s extremist views on multiculturalism,” said the manager of the team with one of the fewest black minority ethnic players in the league.

Official league equality and inclusion champion the Spartak Mogadishu manager, no stranger to heavily-armed men in wetsuits turning up uninvited, was not convinced.

“Yarrr! Ye all be rac1sts,” he yo-ho-hoed.

Next week: finalists for the Cannestan Combi Cup will be decided as the semi final second leg results due.

Download a full breakdown of the scores from the ‘Details’ box on the right hand side of this page.

El Gran Cat-fight

Just Put Carles sink below PSV for first time
War of words erupts between Catalan managers

Donkey derby: the battle for 12th refuses to be a peaceful one

HOSTILITIES have been declared between the Kenna’s Barcelona contingent.

The knives were out in ‘La Liga Latina’ after early-season front runners Just Put Carles dipped to thirteenth in the table, one place below fierce Catalan rivals PSV Mornington.

Comments made by the JPC manager at a post-match interview on Wednesday evening ignited the row.

“N’hi ha per llogar-hi cadires!” fumed the JPC boss, in a language only a handful of people understand, when asked what it was like to be below PSV for the first time in the season.

Yesterday morning’s front cover of Sport, Catalonia’s best-selling sports daily, featured a cartoon depicting the PSV boss trying to lure passers by into an empty stadium.

“Tallo el bacallà!”

The PSV manager’s response was unequivocal. Interviewed through the window of his Continental city car arriving at work yesterday he said: “Sabràs dos i dos quants fan. Està tocat del bolet. Tallo el bacallà!”

By Thursday lunchtime, the quote was all over the news. Photoshopped pictures of the JPC boss eating cod and mushrooms went viral.

“Ets un somiatruites i un tap de bassa!,” said the JPC manager emerging from his afternoon siesta when quizzed by reporters about his rival Catalan’s comments.

Mexican stand-off

Late Thursday evening, the PSV boss was forced to abandon his customary, midnight, family paella to address the rabble of hacks assembled outside his house.

“No sabeu el pa que s’hi dóna,” is all he would explain to Sky Sports News while eating a suspiciously-large piece of nougat and making a flicking gesture with his thumb and front teeth.

Even though just five points separate the two teams, both managers repeatedly refuse to acknowledge they are in a ‘Mexican stand-off’ for 12th place.

They outrageously claim the British media are ‘portraying negative stereotypes of Hispanic culture’.

As the Kenna moves into the final month of the season, the spat appears far from over.

Quick guide to Catalan idioms

N’hi ha per llogar-hi cadires! > You could even rent chairs with this!
(I can’t believe it / this is incredible – in a negative context)
Sabràs dos i dos quants fan > you know what two and two make
(There will be consequences if I do not get my way)
Està tocat del bolet > He is touched by the mushroom
(He is crazy)
Tallo el bacallà > I cut the cod
(I’m in a position of power)
Ets un somiatruites > He is an omelette dreamer
(He is a daydreamer)
No sabeu el pa que s’hi dóna > You do not know the bread that is given
(You do not really know what is this about)

For more information about Catalan idioms and the region itself visit All about Catalonia.

A Tale of Two Cissés

Charles Dickens — "It is a melancholy truth that even great men have their poor relations."

IT WAS the best of times, it was the worst of times.

It was the £500k of wisdom, it was the £13m of foolishness.

It was the of 10 goals and assist of belief, it was the two goals and red card of incredulity.

It was the 76 points of Light, it was the 15 points of Darkness.

It was the spring of Spartak Mogadishu, it was the winter of Pikey Scum.

We had a league renaissance before us, we had a quarter-final cup exit behind us.

We were all going direct to Heaven, we were all going direct the other way.

In short, the period showed that Papiss had so utterly outclassed Dijbrial since their January arrival in the Kenna, that some of its noisiest authorities insisted, for good or for evil, the name Cissé was in the superlative degree of comparison only.

Cup semi final first leg results

FC Testiculadew 54 – 36 PSV Mornington

Headless Chickens 28 – 34 Hairy Fadjeetas

Snog Marry Avoid

Mary Poppins — Spoonful of sugar: Balotelli has Polonia boss walking on air

ROBERTO Mancini may be critical of the performance, but Mario Balotelli certainly put a smile on the face of his Kenna manager on Saturday.

Turning his shots into more success than Gavin Henson on a morning flight to Cardiff, the maverick striker’s 12 points have lifted Polonia Forsyth to a good position in the relegation fight.

The bottom-placed club now lie just 27 points off salvation; roughly equal to two ‘troubled’ Balotelli performances.

“I’d snog Gavin, marry lovely Mario and avoid that sourpuss Roberto,” said the Polonia boss when asked how she copes with the pressure of the drop zone.

Meanwhile, Kenna HQ insist there’s still plenty to be excited about at the top of the table despite the growing inevitability of FC Testiculadew and Lokomotiv Leeds‘ first and second places.

“This morning we had a three-hour item at the board meeting about whether we should put little arrows on next season’s table graphic to indicate changing league positions. It’s all work, work, work,” said the Chairman before disappearing to the golf course for the afternoon.

This weekend sees the Cannestan Combi Cup semi final first leg.

In what’s being dubbed the Pussy Chicken derby, Hairy Fadjeetas take on Headless Chickens.

FCT play PSV Mornington in the other game. No witty derby name for that one.