May 2012 – Page 2 – The Jeff Kenna League

FC Testiculadew scoop double on debut

Jolly Roger: The Spartak Mogaishu had plenty to smile about after coming from behind to take fifth

EDIN Dzeko and Wayne Rooney both netted on the last day of the season to help FC Testiculadew win a historic double.

In his debut Kenna season, the FCT manager picked up the Cannestan Combi Cup on the final day, sweeping aside sibling rival the Headless Chickens boss.

FCT added the cup to their league title, where their dominance and the rest of the table’s complete capitulation led to an official inquiry being opened.

“It’s an itch I’ve been dying to scratch since Christmas. The feeling when you win the Kenna, it’s pretty special, like the smell of mown grass on a spring day or finding a cream that can really alleviate the symptoms,” said a jubilant FCT manager, who’ll scoop a combined prize total of £190, without counting manager of the month awards.

The Lokomotiv Leeds manager, another debutant and the only serious challenger to FCT, took second place 119 points behind.

“The £57 prize will go a long way towards rejuvenating the squad over the summer,” said the Leeds manager, who looks unlikely to be able to retain the services of Victor Moses for the £3m he paid last summer.

Kenna veteran the Newington Reds manager came third, winning £19.

Defending Kenna champion the Young Boys of Kilburn gaffer finished fourth.

FCT become the second club in history to take the double. The only other club to achieve that feat, Vasco De Beauvoir, finished the season just one place above relegation.

The managers of the Dan Terry Seduction, Thieving Magpies and Polonia Forsyth all collected their P45s.

“In the end the league got a little predictable, but in many ways this was a fantastic season. Special mention has to the go to the Spartak Mogadishu manager. It all looked lost back in October when he picked up Turkey of the Month, but he’s finished the season just outside the top four – remarkable considering his haphazard bidding technique,” said the Chairman to the gathered masses from the balcony of Kenna HQ.

Everyone else finished mid-table.

January to May’s manager of the month awards, player of the week tallies and Alan Hansen’s coloured performance chart will be published later in the week, to go with the stats from the first half of the season.

Weekly scores - 15 May 2012 — Weekly scores – 15 May 2012

Thrush ‘n’ roulette

Roulette wheel — Everything on red: Chickens are banking on former Spartak Moscow centre forward Pogrebnyak

PAVEL Pogrebnyak is tipped to be the key man when the wheel spins in Sunday’s Cannestan Combi Cup showdown.

The Headless Chickens scalp hunter has led a mid-season renaissance at the club, who must go into Sunday’s game as underdogs against the omnipotent, title-winning form of FC Testiculadew.

Lamplighters through the knock-out stages of the tournament, there’ll be no love lost between sibling rivals the FCT and Chickens managers.

The Chickens boss will hope goalscoring occasionals Steve Morison, Robert Huth and Theo Walcott will also hit a gold stream in what promises to be a ding-dong tie.

With Edin Dzeko less smiley over the last few months, the FCT manager will look to stalwarts Wayne Rooney, Juan Mata and incredible import from the American cousins Clint Dempsey to make it the double.

Winning the sack race

LONG. Hard. Ending with a gooey substance on the face.

For two other managers, the Polonia Forsyth boss’s experiences echo the Kenna season.

Guaranteeing her place in the relegation zone with one week left to go, the Polonia boss faces being blackballed by the club board – a term she previously associated with an alternative warm-up exercise developed with Mario Balotelli.

Sadly, unless the ‘madcap’ Italian produces the performance of his life this weekend, the Polonia gaffer faces a similar fate to the Thieving Magpies manager.

At one point prohibited from going out in his own backyard, the ‘Pies ‘coach’ is already working up his CV for the summer, at all times omitting the £32m he paid for Darren Bent.

A tough sentence also awaits the Dan Terry Seduction manager.

‘Roofie Dan‘ may have made away with the branded stationery, but his career in the Kenna hangs in the balance.

The August titular fiasco perhaps a sign of the calamity to come, a summons to the Rochdale grooming trial has made the Seduction manager’s position untenable.

“But I didn’t know they wanted the pills for that,” he pleaded.

Meanwhile, FC Testiculadew march on towards their first Kenna league title.

FCT need to score 65 points this week to break the most-points-scored-in-a-season record, set by Vasco De Beauvoir in the inaugural Kenna 2005/06 season.

They could also scoop the second ever Kenna double by beating Pavel Pogrebnyak’s Headless Chickens in the Cannestan Combi Cup final on Sunday.

Vasco De Beauvoir won the first ever double in the 2009/10 season, before their manager went on to lift the 2010 Khumalo World Cup.

A preview of the cup final will be published later in the week.

Weekly scores - 9 May 2012 — Weekly scores – 9 May 2012

Lining up survival

Coke: Heart problems not a concern for Lurliners boss

AS UNSPECTACULAR debut seasons in the Kenna go, Lurliners‘ has been textbook.

Floating around the bottom half of the table since an early charge in autumn, the club have made a dwindling impact.

Goals this week from the unlikely duo Franco di Santo and Steven Fletcher alleviated relegation fears hanging over the outfit for the last few weeks.

Concern was beginning to emerge after long-term injuries to Steven Taylor, Kieron Gibbs and a Fabrice Muamba cardiac arrest, but the Lurliners manager hasn’t been letting pressure get the better of him.

“Relegation? Relegation? There’s not chance I’ll be relegated. My team will definitely stay up. Definitely! If I find anyone talking about relegation at the club I’ll tie them to a tree and put a gun to their head, see how they like pressure. The only thing we’re going out is to town, and we’ll have a great time. A great time! You’ll see. When are the girls getting here? Get on the phone!” said the Lurliners manager while pacing up and down his office, ice tinkling in his Jack and Coke, ordering Bradley Johnson to rack up another line.

Meanwhile, Papiss Demba Cissé is ridiculing his £0.5m January price tag.

“Yarrrr! He be a fine purchase,” said the Spartak Mogadishu manager, preparing his war chest to retain the striker in the summer auction.

Download the full scores, tables and much more from the ‘Details’ box on the right hand side of the page.

Weekly scores - 3 May 2012 — Weekly scores – 3 May 2012

Open letter to Pep Guardiola

Kenna HQ
London WC2

Dear Pep,

We were very sorry to hear about your resignation as manager of FC Barcelona last week. Since your appointment in 2008, the club has lit up football around the world and proved a welcome antidote to the cynical professionalism so prevalent in today’s game (although the Sergio Busquets simulation issue does remain a concern).

We hear you’re taking a break from management. While this is perfectly understandable considering the incredible pressure involved in leading a European giant to such success, we’re sure a man of your drive and focus will not be able to stay away from that atmosphere for long.

When you feel you’re ready to return to the kind of challenge that led to the outstanding achievements of your previous tenure, get in touch with us about the possibility of managing a team in the Jeff Kenna League.

Based in the capital of football, ‘the Kenna’ is the game’s premier club football competition. The league contains managers from around the globe, including two of your fellow Catalans whose pride and application more than atone for their lack of tactical acumen.

At the summer auction you’ll find yourself drawing on every reserve of the craft, determination and grit you used to lift three European Cups. Transfer nights will make an away trip to the Santiago Bernabéu seem like late supper with good friends and a porron.

Ruud Gullit was once offered the chance of Kenna management. That he chose the soft cushions of television punditry instead speaks volumes

Should you decide to accept, liberty over signings and budget allocation are guaranteed. The cream of footballers in the Premiership are available. The only hard and fast rule is that you must play 4-4-2. This is England, Pep, and people here just aren’t ready for continental ‘three at the back’ tinkering, no matter how proven it is at getting results.

The gauntlet’s been thrown down. The only question that now remains is whether you have the cullons to pick it up.

Yours sincerely,

The Chairman