July 2012 – The Jeff Kenna League

Chairman to pick up auction speed

Toothpicks — Picks: Chairman will have a confidential list of 200 players

THE CHAIRMAN is to pick players to be introduced to auction if managers are too slow.

Under new rules managers must immediately introduce a player or be overridden by a ‘Chairman’s pick’.

The change has been designed to speed up the team-buying process after significant gaps were left in starting line ups at May’s Emmanuel Olisadebe Euro 2012 auction.

“To put it politely, as league membership has swelled, it’s become increasingly difficult to get all business completed in a timely manner. To be blunt, we’re tired of waiting for half-cut managers to make up their mind about who to introduce,” said the Chairman, putting on his ‘we’re waiting for you‘ face.

A confidential list of 200 players will be compiled by the Chairman before the auction.

Managers will have the choice of picking a player themselves, or leaving it to the Chairman.

A Chairman’s pick will not trigger the Titus Bramble ruling for any managers, unless they make an illegal bid.

In other news, the Kenna has written a strongly-worded email to the London Organising Committee for the Olympic Games after no mention of the league was made in any of London 2012’s pageantry.

“It appeared to us that any Tom, Dick or Harry could carry the torch, so with our tireless work in English sport and promoting London pubs (for not a penny of remuneration, nonetheless) we must have been a dead cert for the opening ceremony. The call never came.

“You make yourselves out to be this inclusive, public-spirited organisation, but in actual fact you’ve got absolutely no cultural sensitivities. Just look at the Korean flag mix up: you made a real dog’s dinner of that,” read a rambling extract.

Brambled pink

PINK GIN is to be deployed in the war on tactical Brambling.

Managers found to be deliberately making illegal bids at next month’s Kenna auction will have to order, buy and drink the cocktail before taking any further part in proceedings.

The rule was changed after a manager was discovered knowingly buying a second French player in order to induce a forfeit and free up funds late on in May’s Olisadebe Euro 2012 auction.

New regulations also mean that all managers convoking the Titus Bramble ruling, whether tactical, incidental or accidental, will have half the value of the player forfeit confiscated.

In a press conference arranged in the lounge bar of the King’s Arms in Waterloo, the Chairman said: “Pink Gin is the perfect drink to deter tactical Bramblers. While the addition of Angostura Bitters turns the drink the colour of a Frank Schlek urine sample, it does absolutely nothing to detract from the taste of warm, neat gin.

“We have acted decisively to stamp out the pernicious threat of tactical Brambling. It will mean tougher penalties for all Brambling, but the spirit of the Kenna is at stake.”

It must be proved beyond reasonable doubt that tactical Brambling has taken place for the rule to take effect.

Steaua Apples

The league has announced more lenient rules for managers accidentally introducing an illegal player to auction. If no other bids are made, and the manager immediately recognises their blunder, the Titus Bramble ruling will not be triggered.

“If no other managers make any bids for a player recognised to be illegal, the offending manager will not receive a forfeit, but may take no further part in the auction until they have bought and downed an Apple Sourz. That’s the kind of spirit the league has for members, and I’m sure managers can reciprocate that gesture,” said the Chairman in his munificence.

Those taking proceedings too seriously and throwing their toys out of the pram will be subject to ‘Mogadishu Rules’ – and openly mocked by the whole group.

More details about the ‘Spirit of the Kenna’ can be found on the Titus Bramble page.

Full rules and regulations will be shared with managers prior to the auction.

‘Serpent-tongued’ new treasurer divides opinion

Abacus — New bean counter joins league committee

THE INTEGRITY of the Kenna has been called into question after the controversial appointment of a new league treasurer.

The Chairman today came out in support of his decision to appoint the Bala Rinas boss as official bean counter, despite murmurings from the Kenna rank and file.

“The Bala Rinas manager has my full backing and is integral to the new direction the league is taking towards a system of annual subscription. Ultimately this will bring more benefits to managers,” said the Chairman at a press conference, setting off a roomful of corporate prattle detectors.

Other managers are less than convinced.

“I have grave concerns about his integrity” – the Young Boys boss.

“He’s a complete con man who can’t be trusted. I’ve been burnt many times by this tea leaf with his silky, serpent tongue. I was happier when the money went towards the Chairman’s taxi and kebab fund, ” said the Judean Peoples’ Front gaffer, inadvertently pinpointing exactly why a treasurer was needed in the first place.

“You’re going to need an ethics committee after this atrocity” – the Lurliners manager.

In the face of this opposition, the Chairman remained steadfast in his praise of the new treasurer, whose ascent to the committee was reportedly ratified on the strength of single spreadsheet.

“He gave a very convincing presentation about marvellous opportunities in ‘brick’, I think he said, and sound investments in the Spanish construction industry, which is funny, because every time you see them in the news they look like they’re in a spot of bother,” he said, merrily signing a personal cheque for 500 branded hard hats.

“Anyway, the diagram he drew of a triangle to explain just how the scheme would work was extremely impressive. It was all jolly technical, but he’s assured me that this time next year we’ll be millionaires.”

Confessions of a tactical Brambler

Lego horse — Cavalier attitude: Bramblers, both tactical and accidental, are to face much stiffer penalties

IN THAT brief period of English sport when there’s no proper football, it’s too wet for cricket and the only diversion is the mind-blowing sight of a man raised in Kilburn wearing the yellow jersey with six days to go, rumours abound.

For Kenna managers eagerly awaiting next month’s auction ahead of the Premier League opening on 18 August, tittle tattle is at fever pitch as to how the administration will tighten up rules in the wake of May’s illegal bidding scandal.

Now the man responsible for Tactical Brambling, the practice of bidding for a player to deliberately incur a forfeit and free up funds, gives his dark insight into what happened that fateful evening in late spring – the time when the rain began.

Despite being dealt a hefty penalty, the Testiculadewland manager finished second in the Emmanuel Olisadebe Euro 2012.

But retribution works in mysterious ways: if he’d had kept Franck Ribery instead of Karim Benzema he’d have been the champion.

Sitting in his murky office, sinister music playing in the background, the Testiculadewland manager recounted his frame of mind:

“When Benzema first came up my first thoughts were: ‘I’ll go for him’.

“Slightly later I realised that I had Ribery. I then thought: ‘Sod it, I wanted Benzema from the start and I want a good strike force. I can still have three good midfielders and the Bramble for losing Ribery’, as I saw it in my tipsy state.

“It was a gamble on my behalf, one in hindsight I don’t think really paid off. And Benzema only became available because of an earlier Bramble by someone else.

“I think tactical Brambling could pay off if done very carefully, but would only pay off the first time and if a manager was to repeatedly do it their team would very soon suffer.

“I think there’s an argument to be had to allow it as part of the game. It certainly makes the mid part of the auction more interesting and because your team is affected every time, your team exponentially becomes worse the more you do it, and there are already rules in place to deter it.

“I didn’t set out to tactical Bramble. It happened on the spur of the moment. Even if it was allowed I wouldn’t set out with it as part of my auction game plan, but if half way along things aren’t going well, its a rash gamble that could be played.

“Wracked with guilt I’ve tried to think of a way of stopping it, or a way you can distinguish between tactical Brambling and old-fashioned honest stupidity Brambling, but can’t think of anything as practical or fun as allowing it.”

If, as early reports suggest, there are to be stiffer penalties to the Titus Bramble ruling being announced later this week, the Testiculadewland manager’s cavalier approach will be frustrated.

Who will be the most mediocre Premier League players of 2012/13?

Stella Artois — Stella cast: the Premier League is bursting with talent. Well, apart from the Titus Bramble brigade

SKY SPORTS hacks, former professionals-cum-pundits and the intimidating bloke at the bar with the British Bulldog tattoo and Argos bling all vehemently maintain that England has the best football league in the world.

While we can be certain that their assurances are absolutely genuine, and have nothing whatsoever to do with viewing figures, xenophobia or a grim, single-parent upbringing in a region of high unemployment, the more subversive among us sometimes harbour dark thoughts that not everyone competing in the Premier League is of a world-beating standard.

As the David Silvas, Wayne Rooneys and John Terrys of the land set them up, bang them in and save the handshaking for the faces of their teammates’ wives, a small contingent of those plying their trade on Super Sunday are more folly prone than Hollywood.

Even Signet Rings in the pub, at least until he’s charged up on a couple of rounds of wife beater, could be persuaded that some the players in the Premier League are what’s colloquially known as ‘a bit shit’.

For denizens of the Kenna this spirit of mediocrity has found earthly embodiment in the form of Titus Bramble. The journeyman defender continues to make regular starts in the Premier League despite his flaws at Newcastle once forming the contents of an official Chelsea dossier and nightclub indiscretions leading to unsavoury tangles with the law.

Ahead of the new season, the Kenna is searching for more specimens like Titus who are likely to spend the next few months showcasing just how average English football can be.

Make your suggestion by adding a comment below or join the debate on Twitter @jeffkennaleague.

The best suggestions will be assembled into a ‘Titus Bramble Invitational Squad’ and employed as forfeit players for the upcoming Kenna auction, to be held next month in another not-so-exclusive central London pub.

Managers breaking auction rules will have the cream of their side whipped out and replaced by one of ‘the Brambles’.

Here’s a smattering of last summer’s Bramble players, some of whom could be eligible for selection again:

Shaun Wright-Phillips (good at running, not so at kicking)

Michael Owen (in his Indian summer, bench-warming role at Old Trafford)

Hendry Thomas (can circumstances become any more unglamorous than holding midfielder at Wigan?)

Danny Shittu (yes, yes, name and nature. An obvious choice)

Mamady Sidibie (has failed to live up to the ‘Big Mama’ sobriquet for the last couple of seasons)

Emmanuel Olisadebe Euro 2012 auction night – in pictures

IN MAY this year 14 intrepid souls gathered in a south London pub ahead of Euro 2012 to take part in a fantasy football auction.

With a budget of £100m, each manager had to buy 11 internationals who they thought would perform the best over three weeks in Poland and Ukraine.

The manager of the team with the most points at the end would claim the prestigious Emmanuel Olisadebe European Cup, collecting a cash prize and the coveted, replica, unofficial Emmanuel Olisadebe Poland shirt.

Over four hours, exclusively broadcast live on Twitter, participants had to pick their team in a 4-4-2 formation which could not contain more than one player from each country.

Failure to adhere to these rules would lead to the dreaded Titus Bramble ruling – the illegal player is removed and replaced with a forfeit player.

Managers had to overcome the added challenge of British round culture. The Albert Arms enjoyed a brisk trade.

The auction became the most controversial in eight years with one manager threatening to resign half way through the evening and another found to be engaged in the heinous act of ‘tactical Brambling’ – deliberately buying an illegal player to give himself a financial advantage late on in proceedings.

The Eurosceptics manager went on to win the tournament after a thrilling final night in Kiev.

Ahead of the English Premier League season, beginning next month, managers will convene to take part in the traditional Kenna auction at another London pub.

The auction is due to be tweeted live @jeffkennaleague.

All photos were kindly taken by World of Tim 2.

Olisadebe review: the best, the worst, the mediocre

UTOYA ISLAND XI’s back five rocked the record books by failing to register a single point between them for the whole Olisadebe Euro 2012 tournament.

It is the first time in Kenna history that a team’s goalkeeper and four defenders scored nil points in a competition.

The defensive shower of Shay Given, Per Mertesacker, Andrea Ranocchia, Marcus Antonsson and Dejan Lovren either put in an awful shift or didn’t even go to Poland or Ukraine due to form or injury.

“Obviously some of my targets didn’t come off,” said the Utoya manager, whose strike force of Ronaldo and Lovenkrands were named the most mediocre of the contest.

Don’t Know Yet, whose manager was making his debut, had the surprise top strike force of Fernando Torres and Titus Bramble player Georgios Samaras.

Team

Best – The Euroscpetics: 157 points
Worst – Make Party: 76 points

Player

Best – Jordi Alba (The Eurosceptics): 39 points
Worst – Wojciech Szczesny (Testiculadewland), John O’Shea (Just FEMEN): -1 point each

Strike force

Best – Samaras and Torres (Don’t Know Yet): 39 points
Worst – Ben Arfa and Kuyt (Bwing on the Euwos): 5 points
Most mediocre – Ronaldo and Lovenkrands (Utoya Island XI): 24 points (average: 24.21)

Midfield

Best – Xavi, Pirlo, Gerrard and Veloso (Every Pole’s a Goal): 72 points
Worst – Lampard, Robben, Malouda and Pranjic (Don’t Know Yet): 17 points
Most mediocre – Tziolis, The Ox, Ozil and Konoplyanka (Testiculadewland): 45 points (average: 43.28)

Defence

Best – Cech, Alba, Terry, Alves and K Papadopoulos (The Eurosceptics): 85 points
Worst – Given, Mertesacker, Ranocchia, Antonsson and Lovren (Utoya Island XI): 0 (zero) points
Most mediocre – dead heat between Kranjar, Silva, Rosicky and Husyev (Hoodyanika Bolokov), and, de Jong, Khedira, Busquets and Erikson (The Horn of Africa): 45 poins each (average 42.71)

Emmanuel Olisadebe Euro 2012: final standings

Swedish fans and the Chairman — Off their Swedes: The Chairman meets Scandinavian fans

THE FINAL Emmanuel Olisadebe table was announced today, with The Eurosceptics officially confirmed as champions.

Jordi Alba put the title beyond doubt with a goal and clean sheet in last night’s Kiev final.

The Spanish wing back also earned his manager an additional £60 as the top-scoring individual player of the contest.

In an official Kenna statement the Chairman said:

“Once we overcame the difficulties surrounding the pre-tournament auction, the competition was one of the closest we’ve had. Well done to all managers involved,” said the Chairman.

“We also built some important diplomatic links with other nations, although we’re not sure they really liked it that much.

“Our next challenge is to prepare for the domestic Kenna auction. Our priority is to eliminate that most heinous crime of ‘tactical Brambling‘ and to identify the next crop of forfeit players.”

Full scores for each team can be downloaded from the ‘Details’ box at the right hand side of the page.

Final table


		Manager	Points	Goals
1	The Eurosceptics (Champions)	Alex	157	5
2	Testiculadewland	James	145	3
3	Bwing on the Euwos	Denney	124	4
4	Everybody Gdansk Now	Ben	121	3
5	Every Pole’s a Goal	Lewis	115	2
6	Just Femen	Claire	107	5
7	Bunga Bunga Euro Tour	John	106	2
8	The Horn of Africa	Abdi	105	4
9	Hoodunika Bolokov	Jack	103	4
10	Just Put Warsaw	Carles	103	1
11	Chernobyl Forlov	Aiden	95	5
12	Don’t know yet	Ball	93	4
13	Utoya Island 11	Sholto	78	9
14	Make Party	Stix	76	2

Individual top scorers

	Player	Team	Position	TotalGoals	TotalPoints
1	Alba, J	The Eurosceptics	DEF	1	39
2	Casillas, I	Everybody Gdansk Now	GK	0	37
3	Pique, G	Testiculadewland	DEF	0	36
4	Ramos, S	Bwing on the Euwos	DEF	0	35
5	Ozil, M	Testiculadewland	MID	1	33
6	Iniesta, A	Bunga Bunga Euro Tour	MID	0	32
7	Silva, D	Hoodyanika Bolokov	MID	2	31
8	Arbeloa, A	Just Put Warsaw	DEF	0	30
9	Fabregas, C	Just FEMEN	MID	2	30
10	Balotelli, M	Just FEMEN	STR	3	29
11	Pirlo, A	Every Pole’s a Goal	MID	1	28
12	Gomez, M	Chernobyl Forlov	STR	3	27
13	Pepe	The Horn of Africa	DEF	1	26
14	Ronaldo, C	Utoya Island XI	STR	3	24
15	Torres, F	Don’t Know Yet	STR	3	24
16	Nani	Make Party	MID	0	23

Eurosceptics win Emmanuel Olisadebe Euro 2012

Honorary girl — Booby prize: Make Party came last

A GOAL and a clean sheet from Jordi Alba handed The Eurosceptics the Emmanuel Olisadebe title in Kiev tonight.

The international debut manager fought off a challenge from controversial Testiculadewland to scoop the £100 cash prize and the replica, imitation, unofficial Emmanuel Olisadebe Poland shirt.

Alba was also the top individual points scorer, earning his gaffer a further £60.

“Now if it could have happened with an Italy win I’d have won the office sweepstake as well!” said the jubilant Euroscpetics boss.

T-land picked up £50 for second place, while Bwing on the Euwos trousered £20 for third.

“I’m faiwly happy with bronze,” said the Bwing on the Euwos manager.

Disappointing Make Party, whose manager won the World Cup in 2012, came last collecting the Olisadebe’s wooden spoon – an ‘Honorary girl’ badge.

“We back go to draw board,” said the Make Party boss.

Full, confirmed results will be published soon.

Olisadebe showdown – live on Twitter

TONIGHT’S FINAL showdown between The Eurosceptics and Testiculadewlandwill be tweeted live @jeffkennaleague.

Just three points separate the teams, who are vying for honours in the Emmanual Olisadebe European Cup, not to mention winning the coveted unofficial, replica, imitation Poland shirt (with superficial damage).

Neutrals will be hoping leaders The Eurosceptics, represented by Jordi Alba and Antonio Cassano in Kiev, will take the prize.

The T-land manager became the contest’s pantomime villain after unsavoury deception was exposed in the pre-tournament auction.

Italy’s Bonucci and Spain’s Piqué are likely starters for controversial T-land.

In the third-place battle Bwing on the Euwos (Buffon and Ramos) have a four-point advantage over Everybody Gdansk Now‘s Iker Casillas.

Make Party (Maggio) and Utoya Island XI (Ranocchia and Alonso), who share last place going into the game, will both be looking to avoid the wooden spoon.

Scoring

Players are awarded two points for starting the match, five for scoring a goal, three for an assist and one point for coming on as a sub.

One point is docked for a yellow card, three for a red and three for missing a penalty.

Defenders and goalkeepers get four points for a clean sheet. A point is deducted for two goals scored against their team, two points taken off for three goals and three points for four goals etc.

Goalies collect five points for saving a penalty.