DEFENDER JAMES Collins, who went missing hours before kick off on Saturday, has been found in the Just Put Carles starting XI.

The Welshman has not been seen since a vanload of Kenna hatchet men with Estuary accents kidnapped him from the Still Don’t Know Yet team hotel before dawn on Saturday morning.

Kenna HQ declared Collins ineligible to play at Undecided Road as the manager had signed second West Ham player Gary O’Neil at the auction.

JPC have confirmed that Collins will be immediately available, despite club doctors diagnosing him with a severe case of truncheon rash.

This week’s highlights

• Unsigned Martin Petric was the top individual points scorer.
• £12m Sporting Lesbian striker Sergio Aguero is out for a month after picking up an injury in the first few minutes of the season.
• £9m Wandsworth Window Licker Josh McEachran will not be picking up any points after going on loan to Boro. The Still Don’t Know Yet manager is said to be preparing his transfer window war chest for the midfielder.
• £6m Headless Chicken Michael Dawson will score approximately 50 fewer points this season after a move to Loftus Road.
• £2.5m Woking defender Alex Santos was arrested by police going faster than the auction night buffet on the way to training.

Kenna table – week 1

			This season
		Manager	Points	Goals
1	Hairy Fadjeetas	Aiden	46	2
2	Sporting Lesbian	Ben M	39	2
3	Wandsworth Window Lickers	Will	37	3
4	Northern Monkeys	Hugo	37	1
5	Spartak Mogadishu	Abdi	33	2
6	Newington Reds	Dudley	28	0
7	Piedmonte	Phil	27	4
8	Greendale Rockets	Stu	27	1
9	Just put Carles	Carles	26	0
10	Dynamo Charlton	Alex	24	1
11	FC Testicluadew	James N	23	1
12	Headless Chickens	John N	21	0
13	Vasco De Beauvoir	Stix	19	0
14	Judean Peoples’ Front	Sholto	19	0
15	Pikey Scum	Jack	14	0
16	Woking	Mike	14	0
17	PSV Mornington	El Pons	13	1
18	Still Don’t Know Yet	Pete	12	0

Week’s scores

			This week
		Manager	Points	Goals
1	Hairy Fadjeetas	Aiden	46	2
2	Sporting Lesbian	Ben M	39	2
3	Wandsworth Window Lickers	Will	37	3
4	Northern Monkeys	Hugo	37	1
5	Spartak Mogadishu	Abdi	33	2
6	Newington Reds	Dudley	28	0
7	Piedmonte	Phil	27	4
8	Greendale Rockets	Stu	27	1
9	Just put Carles	Carles	26	0
10	Dynamo Charlton	Alex	24	1
11	FC Testicluadew	James N	23	1
12	Headless Chickens	John N	21	0
13	Vasco De Beauvoir	Stix	19	0
14	Judean Peoples’ Front	Sholto	19	0
15	Pikey Scum	Jack	14	0
16	Woking	Mike	14	0
17	PSV Mornington	El Pons	13	1
18	Still Don’t Know Yet	Pete	12	0
		Points	Player
	Player of the week	15	Petric, M – FUL – STR
		Club	Unsigned