BROADCASTER Chris Evans is to have his eyes tested after writing a glowing character reference of the Judean Peoples’ Front manager in his weekly column.
In the Mail on Sunday magazine at the weekend, the BBC Radio 2 host said the Judean Peoples’ Front boss was: “Top of the class, solid gold, as good as it gets.”
But senior figures at Kenna HQ have taken exception to the description by the bespectacled entertainer, which they claim bears no resemblance to the loud buffoonery and poor performance associated with the Welshman’s four-year league career.
“While we appreciate the noble cause that led to the article being written, we cannot let such fulsome praise of the Judean Peoples’ Front manager pass unchallenged,” said the Chairman at a press conference in lounge bar of the King’s Arms, Waterloo.
“Mr Evans’ comment about the JPF manager being ‘modest like that. All the best men are’ is wholly inaccurate taking into consideration a Kenna League tenure marked by poor man management skills, inappropriate jokes about hair colour and worrying parallels with Norwegian gunmen.”
It has been a controversial year for the Welshman. In the February transfer window, a leaked email – in what became known as the Ashley Williams affair – sparked outrage when he was found to have called his members of his first team an ‘under performing bunch of tossers’.
In April, when the team was found to have the fewest black minority ethnic players, the manager was forced to dismiss reports that his similarity to Norwegian mass murderer Anders Breivik only ended at looks.
Judean Peoples’ Front went on to finish a disappointing ninth last season, the manager’s highest achievement in three campaigns at the helm.
Asked how he thought someone could draw such wild conclusions about the JPF boss, the Chairman said: “He’s obviously never sold Chris Evans a car.”
League table
Weekly scores
| Manager | Points | Goals | ||
| 1 | Spartak Mogadishu | Abdi | 36 | 3 |
| 2 | Piedmonte | Phil | 29 | 4 |
| 3 | Wandsworth Window Lickers | Will | 29 | 3 |
| 4 | Judean Peoples’ Front | Sholto | 29 | 2 |
| 5 | Hairy Fadjeetas | Aiden | 27 | 2 |
| 6 | Woking | Mike | 27 | 0 |
| 7 | Still Don’t Know Yet | Pete | 26 | 2 |
| 8 | FC Testicluadew | James N | 25 | 0 |
| 9 | Lokomotiv Leeds | Ben S | 25 | 0 |
| 10 | Sporting Lesbian | Ben M | 24 | 0 |
| 11 | PSV Mornington | El Pons | 23 | 1 |
| 12 | Pikey Scum | Jack | 23 | 0 |
| 13 | Just put Carles | Carles | 22 | 0 |
| 14 | Bala Rinas | Lewis | 16 | 0 |
| 15 | Greendale Rockets | Stu | 16 | 0 |
| 16 | Headless Chickens | John N | 15 | 0 |
| 17 | Newington Reds | Dudley | 15 | 0 |
| 18 | Northern Monkeys | Hugo | 15 | 0 |
| 19 | Vasco De Beauvoir | Stix | 15 | 0 |
| 20 | Dynamo Charlton | Alex | 14 | 0 |
| Points | Player | |||
| Player of the week | 15 | Lambert, R – SOT – STR | ||
| Club | Piedmonte |
I know Chris Evans!
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