IN-FORM forward Moussa Dembele shrugging his shoulders in utter confusion and pulling a face after getting the boot from Newington Reds.
A life-sized cardboard cut out of Luka Modric holding a rocket propelled grenade launcher being dumped in the skip behind the club shop at Spartak Mogadishu’s Spyglass Hill training facility.
The Still Don’t Know Yet manager giving Mario Balotelli his marching orders before giving his full backing to errant Cameroonian Olympic womens’ reserve team goalkeeper Drusille Ngako.
A clip of Yohan Cabeye on a French television light entertainment show putting an effigy of the Woking manager made entirely of garlic bread into a guillotine.
Lukas Podolski winding down his car window as he leaves the FC Testiculadew training ground for the last time and tells journalists: “I cannot Adam unt Eve it. My loaf it goz in Angela Merkels.”
These are some of the images we’d like to bring you from this week’s transfer deadline day, but instead the best on offer is this picture of the Newington Reds manager struggling to get the club’s creaking infrastructure into action.
“I’ve tried sending the request through four times on the office fax, and a further three times on an internet-based free fax service but it just won’t work,” said the Reds boss late on Tuesday night, pinpointing exactly why it wasn’t working.
The legal team at Kenna HQ were beginning to research how many fax-based emails from one manager would constitute harassment when in waded the Chairman.
“It’s obvious the Newington Reds manager has done his best to complete transfer business well before the deadline and he’s provided evidence of his attempts to do so by fax, so we’ll award him the £10m transfer-fund bonus,” he said.
Upon discovering the girl in the background of the photo was the club’s Head of Ideas, the Chairman was not so magnanimous.
“I’ll give you an idea, love: get a new, bloody fax machine!” he said.
Tonight’s transfer window
This evening managers will go head to head at auction to fill the gaps in their teams. Bonuses for submitting transfers on time earlier this week by fax machine mean the small number of available players tonight will go for vastly inflated fees.
Managers can pick Premier League footballers from two separate lists, but may not buy back anyone they’ve released:
- The Unsigned – Not recruited by any club in August’s pre-season auction, these players are still available.
- The Journeymen – Deemed surplus to requirements, these players find themselves back on the market.
New signings will begin scoring points for their new clubs next weekend.
Remaining budgets and gaps to fill
| Team | Gaps | Budget |
| Vasco De Beauvoir | Five | £73.5m |
| Woking | Seven | £60m |
| Bala Rinas | Five | £52.5m |
| FC Testiculadew | Four | £51m |
| Pikey Scum | Four | £51.5m |
| PSV Mornington | Seven | £45m |
| Headless Chickens | Four | £44m |
| Northern Monkeys | Two | £40m |
| Dynamo Charlton | Three | £38m |
| Still Don’t Know Yet | Two | £36m |
| Hairy Fadjeetas | Two | £36.5m |
| Greendale Rockets | Four | £31m |
| Spartak Mogadishu | Three | £28.5m |
| Newington Reds | Four | £26m |
| Sporting Lesbian | Three | £26.5m |
| Wandsworth Window Lickers | Two | £25.5m |
| Piedmonte | Four | £25.5m |
| Lokomotiv Leeds | Four | £16m |
| Judean Peoples’ Front | Four | £19m |
