Hennessey injury hits Fadjeetas

FADJEETAS goalkeeper Wayne Hennessey has been ruled out for the rest of the season after scans revealed he had suffered a torn cruciate ligament.

The Bikini Lane No.1 sustained the knee injury during the weekend’s match and was sent for an MRI examination which confirmed the club’s worst fears.

The Hairy Fadjeetas manager is already staring a relegation battle in the face as his side currently sits just above safety with only four games remaining and with a significantly inferior goal difference.

And they must now face their remaining fixtures without the Wales international shot-stopper, who had racked up 47 points, starting every game this season.

With the 25-year-old sidelined, Hairy Fadjeetas will finish the campaign with 10 men, placing more pressure on stuttering striker Fernando Torres and Bryan Ruiz, who has failed to make an impact since being signed in January.

Hennessey now faces a lengthy road back to full fitness over the next three or four months and faces a battle to be fit for the start of next season.

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JPF boss refutes lookalike claims

Fjord
Fjord defence: JPF boss was quick to refute lookalike claims

DESPITE goals from Robin Van Persie and Ramires this week, Judean Peoples’ Front are yet again struggling to maintain their public image.

The club’s press office was sent into overdrive as world events came crashing through the door of the Kenna and right into the mid-table club.

As millions of people watched the trial of Norwegian mass murderer Anders Breivik it dawned. He looks remarkably like the JPF manager.

The media immediately began drawing parallels. The remorselessness shown by the Bond villain henchman-esque Scandinavian was likened to that of the JPF boss during the Ashley Williams transfer affair.

Eager to avoid a repeat of that last PR disaster, the JPF boss was quick to call a press conference.

“Now look here, I may have told the odd ginger joke and don’t get me started on the bloody English, but I share none of Breivik’s extremist views on multiculturalism,” said the manager of the team with one of the fewest black minority ethnic players in the league.

Official league equality and inclusion champion the Spartak Mogadishu manager, no stranger to heavily-armed men in wetsuits turning up uninvited, was not convinced.

“Yarrr! Ye all be rac1sts,” he yo-ho-hoed.

Next week: finalists for the Cannestan Combi Cup will be decided as the semi final second leg results due.

Download a full breakdown of the scores from the ‘Details’ box on the right hand side of this page.

Weekly scores - 18 April 2012
Weekly scores - 18 April 2012
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El Gran Cat-fight

  • Just Put Carles sink below PSV for first time

  • War of words erupts between Catalan managers

    Catalan donkey
    Donkey derby: the battle for 12th refuses to be a peaceful one

HOSTILITIES have been declared between the Kenna’s Barcelona contingent.

The knives were out in ‘La Liga Latina’ after early-season front runners Just Put Carles dipped to thirteenth in the table, one place below fierce Catalan rivals PSV Mornington.

Comments made by the JPC manager at a post-match interview on Wednesday evening ignited the row.

“N’hi ha per llogar-hi cadires!” fumed the JPC boss, in a language only a handful of people understand, when asked what it was like to be below PSV for the first time in the season.

Yesterday morning’s front cover of Sport, Catalonia’s best-selling sports daily, featured a cartoon depicting the PSV boss trying to lure passers by into an empty stadium.

“Tallo el bacallà!”

The PSV manager’s response was unequivocal. Interviewed through the window of his Continental city car arriving at work yesterday he said: “Sabràs dos i dos quants fan. Està tocat del bolet. Tallo el bacallà!”

By Thursday lunchtime, the quote was all over the news. Photoshopped pictures of the JPC boss eating cod and mushrooms went viral.

“Ets un somiatruites i un tap de bassa!,” said the JPC manager emerging from his afternoon siesta when quizzed by reporters about his rival Catalan’s comments.

Mexican stand-off

Late Thursday evening, the PSV boss was forced to abandon his customary, midnight, family paella to address the rabble of hacks assembled outside his house.

“No sabeu el pa que s’hi dóna,” is all he would explain to Sky Sports News while eating a suspiciously-large piece of nougat and making a flicking gesture with his thumb and front teeth.

Even though just five points separate the two teams, both managers repeatedly refuse to acknowledge they are in a ‘Mexican stand-off’ for 12th place.

They outrageously claim the British media are ‘portraying negative stereotypes of Hispanic culture’.

As the Kenna moves into the final month of the season, the spat appears far from over.

Catalan donkey on balconyQuick guide to Catalan idioms

    • N’hi ha per llogar-hi cadires! > You could even rent chairs with this!
      (I can’t believe it / this is incredible – in a negative context)
    • Sabràs dos i dos quants fan > you know what two and two make
      (There will be consequences if I do not get my way)
    • Està tocat del bolet > He is touched by the mushroom
      (He is crazy)
    • Tallo el bacallà > I cut the cod
      (I’m in a position of power)
    • Ets un somiatruites > He is an omelette dreamer
      (He is a daydreamer)
    • No sabeu el pa que s’hi dóna > You do not know the bread that is given
      (You do not really know what is this about)

For more information about Catalan idioms and the region itself visit All about Catalonia.

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A Tale of Two Cissés

Charles Dickens
"It is a melancholy truth that even great men have their poor relations."

IT WAS the best of times, it was the worst of times.

It was the £500k of wisdom, it was the £13m of foolishness.

It was the of 10 goals and assist of belief, it was the two goals and red card of incredulity.

It was the 76 points of Light, it was the 15 points of Darkness.

It was the spring of Spartak Mogadishu, it was the winter of Pikey Scum.

We had a league renaissance before us, we had a quarter-final cup exit behind us.

We were all going direct to Heaven, we were all going direct the other way.

In short, the period showed that Papiss had so utterly outclassed Dijbrial since their January arrival in the Kenna, that some of its noisiest authorities insisted, for good or for evil, the name Cissé was in the superlative degree of comparison only.

Cup semi final first leg results

FC Testiculadew 54 – 36 PSV Mornington

Headless Chickens 28 – 34 Hairy Fadjeetas

Weekly scores - 11 April 2012

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Snog Marry Avoid

Mary Poppins
Spoonful of sugar: Balotelli has Polonia boss walking on air

ROBERTO Mancini may be critical of the performance, but Mario Balotelli certainly put a smile on the face of his Kenna manager on Saturday.

Turning his shots into more success than Gavin Henson on a morning flight to Cardiff, the maverick striker’s 12 points have lifted Polonia Forsyth to a good position in the relegation fight.

The bottom-placed club now lie just 27 points off salvation; roughly equal to two ‘troubled’ Balotelli performances.

“I’d snog Gavin, marry lovely Mario and avoid that sourpuss Roberto,” said the Polonia boss when asked how she copes with the pressure of the drop zone.

Meanwhile, Kenna HQ insist there’s still plenty to be excited about at the top of the table despite the growing inevitability of FC Testiculadew and Lokomotiv Leeds‘ first and second places.

“This morning we had a three-hour item at the board meeting about whether we should put little arrows on next season’s table graphic to indicate changing league positions. It’s all work, work, work,” said the Chairman before disappearing to the golf course for the afternoon.

This weekend sees the Cannestan Combi Cup semi final first leg.

In what’s being dubbed the Pussy Chicken derbyHairy Fadjeetas take on Headless Chickens.

FCT play PSV Mornington in the other game. No witty derby name for that one.

Download a full breakdown of the scores from the ‘Details’ box on the right hand side of this page.

Weekly scores - 3 April 2012
Weekly scores - 3 April 2012
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Pirates frogmarch up the table

Rug whack
Rugs whacked: Hairy Fadjeetas moved both out of the relegation zone and into the cup semis

PAPISS Demba Cisse notched two goals as his team swaggered into the top half of the table.

Gareth Bale and Matt Jarvis added two more, while Sylvan Distin picked up two clean sheets in a bumper week for Spartak Mogadishu.

“Blistering barnacles!” said the Spartak boss, as balaclava-clad men carrying MP5s abseiled through his cabin windows and cable-tied his hands behind his back. “All this for a bunch of flip flops.”

Cup quarters results

A Mitchell brothers final is shaping up in the Cannestan Combi Cup as FC Testiculadew and Headless Chickens cruised through their respective quarters.

Chickens will have to navigate their way past an unlikely Hairy Fadjeetas in the semis. The Fadges also clawed their way out of the relegation zone this week.

Kenna reigning champions Young Boys have now been knocked out of the cup and are struggling in the title race.

PSV Mornington will be hoping to make something of their season by overcoming FCT.

Newington Reds 31 (55) – 41 (76) FC Testiculadew

Young Boys 40 (62) – 34 (67) PSV Mornington

Pikey Scum 19 (35) – 30 (79) Headless Chickens

Dynamo Charlton 30 (43) – 28 (50) Hairy Fadjeetas

Semi final games

Wednesday 11 April – leg one

FC Testiculadew v PSV Mornington
Headless Chickens v Hairy Fadjeetas

Wednesday 25 April – leg two

PSV Mornington v FC Testiculadew
Hairy Fadjeetas v Headless Chickens

Weekly scores - 28 March 2012
Weekly scores - 28 March 2012
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Spurs 3 – 1 Bolton

Spurs3-1Bolton
Strawberry fields: ginger warrior Bogdan watches another Spurs offensive fizzle out

QUIBBLES about value for money at top-flight English football matches were set aside for 10 days in north London.

For as little as £34 a ticket, the spectator was treated not just to a competitive 40 minutes of football abruptly ended by an ‘I was there’ life-time pub story, but a further match last night of great goalkeeping in the face of wave after wave of Spurs attack.

The first half  belonged to ‘magic Magyar’ Adam Bogdan, whose acrobatic feats between the sticks were enough to keep out a dominant, yet leggy, Tottenham onslaught.

Bolton had little of the ball, but remained compact enough. It’s not just the journalist band wagon, without Lennon on the right and Bale hugging the left, Spurs looked out of sorts.

The second half began in much the same fashion. Modric and Bale dominated possession in midfield, but clear chances for Adebayor and van der Vaart were swatted away by the impressive, ginger Hungarian.

It was only after Jermaine Defoe replaced the jaded Scott Parker that pressure turned into goals.

An excellent van der Vaart free kick that hit the crossbar aside, Tottenham’s set pieces were distinctly underwhelming. Ironically, it was from a corner that the Lillywhites went ahead in the 74th minute. Kiwi veteran Ryan Nelsen nodded in his first for his new club.

Having not registered a victory in all competitions since a replay win against Stevenage, the atmosphere at White Hart Lane palpably relaxed when Bale found himself clear to notch the second.

The Spurs faithful were rolling out the Wembley chants when Kevin Davies netted a surprise comeback goal for Bolton in 90th minute.

Their nerves were calmed when Louis Saha bent one around Bogdan in the last minute of stoppage time. By his substitution choices and overall game plan, Owen Coyle gave the impression he’d rather concentrate on staying the Premier League anyway.

Of course, we all clapped before the match to recognise the efforts of the medical staff who attended Fabrice Muamba. Thankfully, the game didn’t turn into a reverential procession it could have done.

Harry Redknapp does need to pull his team’s finger out. They played a lot better when his dog was up at Southwark Crown for tax evasion…

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Torres comes prematurely for Fadjeetas cup hopes

Christianity
Touched: Religion has played a key role for Torres

FERNANDO Torres finally had his prayers answered but his exalted performance may have come a week too early.

Two goals, two assists and a first player-of-the-week award from the £27.5m Spaniard put Hairy Fadjeetas top of this week’s scoring charts.

A goal, assist and clean sheet from Jonny Evans and a goal and assist from Stewart Downing completed the rout.

“Typical, my team’s best showing all season comes a week early. I just hope Fernando’s form remains,” said the Fadges boss ahead of his side’s crunch quarter-final second leg against Dynamo Charlton.

Nine points separate the teams after the first leg.

Only one of the quarter-final ties looks like a foregone conclusion after Pikey Scum’s first leg demolition 49 – 16 by Headless Chickens.

Due to technical issues at Kenna HQ the latest table is only available by downloading the spreadsheet in the ‘details’ box.

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Spurs 1 – 1 Bolton (match abandoned)

White Hart Lane (abandoned)
Shortly after this Fabrice Muamba collapsed to the left of the centre circle

WHITE Hart Lane was plunged into an atmosphere of eerie concern after Fabrice Muamba suffered a cardiac arrest on the pitch.

The Lurliners midfielder collapsed in the latter stages of the first half.

A team of medics visibly performed chest compressions for around 10 minutes before Muamba was stretchered off.

He is currently in a stable condition in London Chest Hospital.

Over 20 per cent of people suffering a cardiac arrest outside of hospital in the capital survive, according to the London Ambulance Service.

The immediate treatment the 23-year-old midfielder received, as well as early access to a defibrillator, should give him the best chances of survival.

Up to then the match had all the chip and charge of an FA Cup tie.

Bolton took the lead in opening minutes through unsigned Darren Pratley.

Just Put Carles defender Kyle Walker responded with a sumptious hanging header at the back post, delivered from Spartak Mogadishu winger Gareth Bale’s cross.

Kenna HQ have called an extraordinary meeting with the FA to decide whether points from this match will count.

The Chairman said: “We wish Fabrice all the best.”

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Search for official Euros auction pub announced

The official Kenna gavel
Hammered: The perfect auction venue must have a bar

Media release

16 March 2012

  • ‘Perfect’ London pub sought for auction night
  • Competition named as Emmanuel Olisadebe European Cup

KENNA HQ launched plans for this summer’s European Cup by announcing the search for the ‘perfect’ London pub to hold the auction.

Set for the evening of Thursday 31 May, the auction will involve no more than 16 managers battling it out for honours in the newly-named 2012 Emmanuel Olisadebe European Cup.

Speaking from an ornamental fountain in the Middle East, the Kenna Chairman said: “We like our football auctions with a pint, and by pint I mean a pint of beer, so we’re looking for a central London pub with an upstairs bit or sort of funtion room we can use for an evening.

“We’ve used a few other adequate venues in the past, but we still haven’t found the perfect pub. We need an area where 16 managers can sit around a table with a steady flow of draft premium lager and without competing for noise with the uninitiated.

“If you know a pub that meets the criteria get in touch.”

The criteria

  • Central London pub
  • Space for 16 managers to sit around a table/s
  • Wi-fi available
  • Ready access to food and drinks
  • The Kenna is a not-for-profit organisation so cannot offer payment, but can offer some very thirsty patrons.

Please send suggestions to [email protected] or tweet @jeffkennaleague using #bestlondonpub

The Emmanuel Olisadebe European Cup

Kenna HQ announced the name of the competition as the 2012 Emmanuel Olisadebe European Cup.

The Chairman said: “We’re absolutely delighted to have Emmanuel as our figurehead. His 11 goals in 25 appearances for Poland made him the stand-out candidate.

“Being an organisation proud of its diversity, we hope to use the tournament as an opportunity to highlight all that is multicultural about Poland, Ukraine and football itself; just like FIFA are doing with the 2022 Qatar World Cup.”

The competition will be limited to 16 teams. In the event that more managers wish to pick up the gauntlet, entry preference will be given to managers in the following order:

  1. Kenna commitee members (x3)
  2. Managers finishing highest in this season’s domestic league
  3. Founding Kenna members
  4. Other former Kenna managers
  5. Ruud Gullit
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