2012 – Page 16 – The Jeff Kenna League

They think it’s all Ober…it is now!

Crash and burn — Ober and out: Gabriel's wings have been clipped

A strike in the seventh minute of stoppage time was not enough to keep Gabriel Obertan at Thieving Magpies.

The French midfielder scored one of six goals this week for the beleaguered club to catapult them out of the relegation zone for the first time since November.

Fellow Magpie Darren Pratley notched his first of the season too, but both players had the hangover from hell when the manager handed them their P45s the next day.

“It’s just too little, too late and to be honest, after buying Obertan in a phone bid, his contribution to the club hasn’t paid back the cost of the UK evening call,” said the ‘Pies gaffer while waiting until 7pm to call Karl Henry’s agent.

Another French, midefield, goal-scoring casualty this week was Charles N’Somnia.

The Newington Reds boss jettisoned the playmaker just hours before he netted his first of the term.

“Luckily there’s a lot of high-class talent out there to be signed,” said the Reds manager before meeting Youssouf Mulumbu for lunch at Subway.

‘Incompetent and thoughtless’ JPF boss in leaked memo row

Cut loose: Ashley Williams is a free agent

Wales defender Ashley Williams has hit out at the Judean Peoples’ Front manager after details of an internal club memo were leaked to the media.

Williams, who was released by JPF ahead of this Friday’s transfer window, has taken exception to the heave ho and the contents of the memo written by the manager himself.

“I also have someone from Swansea – get rid of him.”

In the leaked communique the JPF boss says: “Could you remove the bloke that I have from QPR and Cleverly. I also have someone from Swansea – get rid of him.”

The £2.5m-rated defender, who has played every minute of the campaign so far this season, said: “If he can’t see that I’m giving my all week in week out, then he’s just incompetent and thoughtless.

“His man management skills are a shambles, that’s why the only person who’s playing well for him this season is Robin van Persie, and even he wants to leave.”

In his defence the JPF manager said: “It’s a case of sour grapes. The axe has swung and he needs to deal with it.”

Early indications are that suitors will be queuing up to sign Williams, with eight managers needing to fill holes in defence.

A full list of available players will be released by Friday morning.

Transfer deadline day – just four hours left!

Jermaine Defoe and Louis Saha playing paper, scissors, stone to see who’ll stay at PSV Mornington.

Vedran Corluka’s personal belongings being thrown out of a first-floor, terraced-house window by a teary-eyed Polonia Forsyth boss.

Andrey Asharvin in a cravat and smoking jacket telling the Hairy Fadjeetas gaffer “I go Mother Russia where make small tax and cheap car insurance”.

Just some of the footage we’d like to bring you today ahead of 12pm’s transfer submission deadline.

Instead, it’s the picture of the half-dressed girl with the developed quad again.

And Jim White making a rac1st slip of the tongue on live television.

“If you want to do business on Friday night send in your unwanted players by 12pm, otherwise you won’t be doing any business on Friday night,” said the Chairman while mixing cement in a disused warehouse.

Wednesday deadline for transfer submissions

Managers have until 12pm on Wednesday (1 February) to submit their unwanted players.

Submissions can be made directly to the Chairman or by emailing [email protected].

Bidding will begin for available players next Friday at the second, and final, transfer night this season at 7.30pm.

The rules remain the same as for the first transfer night.

“This is the first ever Kenna event on a Friday and we’re excited,” said the Chairman, before dismissing claims that television scheduling had forced the administration’s hand.

“I must remind you that any manager found re-signing someone who has previously played for them this season will incur the Titus Bramble ruling. We look forward to finding someone who didn’t read this far.”

A clutch of top-scoring available players can be found below.

Strikers

S Morison (Budgies) – 93
The Yak (Yakburn) – 90
Danny Graham (Swans) – 87
Holt (Budgies) – 78
Helguson (QPR) – 77

Midfielders

Richardson (Mackems) – 62
Ryan Taylor (Toon) – 62
J Allen (Swans) – 54
Formica (Blackburn) – 52
Jordi Gomez (Wigan) – 51

Defenders

Heitinga (Everton) – 49
Bardsley (Mackems) – 44
Hibbert (Everton) – 43
Senderos (Fulham) – 43
McAuley (WBA) – 43

Goalkeepers

Lindegaard (Man U) – 39

Fadjeetas: ‘We need Canesten Combi’

Like Paul Daniels’ circular saw, the Canesten Combi Cup group stages almost ended the magic.

Seven of the eight teams to qualify for the quarter finals are in riding high in the top half of the league.

It was left to Hairy Fadjeetas to tear up the form book and represent the bottom half.

Despite losing their final group game to Vasco De Beauvoir, Fadjeetas edged through by a whisker on goal difference.

The Bikini Lane faithful will be glued to their radios live for next Friday night’s transfer window, when their side will be drawn in the knock-out stages.

The team have struggled this term with Andrey Asharvin and Fernando Torres performances leaving them in danger of going down.

“With our lacklustre efforts in the league and our marquee signings failing to make an impact, we need the Canesten Combi,” said the Fadjeetas boss to his local pharmacist.

“The other seven teams are all strong and we’ll have some pretty stiff competition to deal with, but I can tell them that now we’ll take some licking if they want to get through.”

Cup results - 24 January — Cup results – 24 January

Mouldy Balls!

Even with Rooney and Dzeko doing their best Shrek and Donkey impression up front, FC Testiculadew dominate the Kenna.

The club now enjoy an 82-point lead atop the league.

Attacking midfielder Clint Dempsey was the hip hop superstar a fortnight past.

‘Deuce’ the goal robot popped up again with another player-of-week hat-trick.

Two assists from Shaun Wright-Phillips, one from Marouane Fellaini and a John O’Shea clean sheet completed the rout.

“I’ve put off this kind of talk so far, but now I’ve got one hand on that tax-free prize money come May,” said the FCT boss, or ‘Monsieur Pickles Quarte-vingts’ as he’s known at the gaming tables of the principality.

Polonia ire at ‘flaccid’ performance

The Polonia Forsyth manager has issued a startling battle cry after her team dropped to their lowest ever Kenna position.

Since they entered the league in 2008, the term ‘dropzone’ was only used at the club as players’ slang for the manager’s office.

Defensive worries have left them one spot off the bottom.

“I’m not going to stand here and get pummelled in the rear every week. I’m tired of these flaccid performances. You lot need to stiffen up and start pumping them in,” innuendoed the Polonia gaffer through an open trapdoor at the club’s Roger Hole training ground.

As part of an unorthodox training schedule, the Polonia first team spend all their time except match days locked in a soundproof ‘recovery’ area underneath Roger Hole wearing nothing but polyester, leopard-print thongs, stiff collars and bow ties.

“Food. We need food,” said Verdan Corluka.

Clucking banker

Cock: the Chickens boss has answered critics

Barely 19 days since a two-footed lambasting from these very pages, Headless Chickens have answered critics on the pitch.

Leon Best, Shane Long and Gamst Pedersen were singled out for their meagre contribution to Chickens’ trifling goal tally.

All three players scored this week.

Theo Walcott also netted, putting Chickens one rung up the golden boot league to third from bottom.

“People view me now as a competent Kenna manager and at the end of my tenure here when ever that might be I would like to think they will think of me as a great Kenna manager,” flapped the Chickens boss, sounding remarkably like a Welshman in Queen’s Park.

Struck by African absenteeism, Lokomotiv Leeds and Newington Reds both lost ground to FC Testiculadew.

Helped by a returning-to-form Edin Dzeko goal, the leaders moved 40 points clear of the mêlée.

Magpies manager admits he can’t go out locally

A thieving magpie — One for sorrow: Thieving Magpies have been bottom of the league for weeks

The Thieving Magpies manager has admitted that he can no longer go out in the local area because of the fear of meeting some of the club’s disgruntled fans.

With ‘Pies currently sitting bottom of the Kenna and facing the prospect of making more signings like Gabriel Obertan in the transfer window, supporters have vented their anger at the manager for most of the season.

Despite showing loyalty to the club since the Kenna began in 2005, the ‘Pies boss admitted that possible clashes with angry supporters has kept him from going out socially around the outfit’s Tin Foil Street ground.

“It’s sad really,” said the ‘Pies gaffer. “I live in the area but I don’t go out there because I can’t. You just never know who you might run into. I hope the situation changes and over Christmas it did feel like things were improving.

“I don’t go anywhere feeling any fear but, unfortunately, you never know where a flashpoint might occur,” he told Jeff All News.

Cannestan Combinations

Groups after four rounds — Only five teams know their cup destiny

Two teams qualified to the knockout stages of the Cannestan Combi Cup with a game to spare.

Dynamo Charlton and Headless Chickens progressed from their respective groups this week after winning all three of their opening fixtures.

Just Put Carles, Thieving Magpies and Spartak Mogadishu have all been eliminated. The latter two without scoring a single group-stage point.

The last group game results will be published in a fortnight. Here are the permutations:

Group A

Vasco De Beauvoir rely on the small miracle of beating Hairy Fadjeetas by 15 points and hoping Lokomotiv Leeds lose to a strongly-placed Young Boys of Kilburn.

Group B

Bala Rinas or Polonia Forsyth can go through, but only if one of them wins by a country mile and Newington Reds lose by one to Headless Chickens.

Group C

Having played all their games, Superfuzz will be hoping PSV Mornington lose to Dynamo Charlton. The Dan Terry Seduction need to slay Spartak Mogadishu to have any chance.

Group D

Judean Peoples’ Front need a Herculean effort against Lurliners and in-form FC Testiculadew to be taken to task by Pikey Scum.

Rules clarification

If two teams finish the group stage on equal cup points and points difference, then whoever won the game between those two teams will go through. If that game was a draw, then the team with the most points ‘For’ will be deemed to be ahead.

If two teams finish with the same cup points, points difference, ‘For’ points and they drew their fixture, a tie break at the transfer night will decide the winner.

How fast can you neck a pint?