2012 – Page 2 – The Jeff Kenna League

Just one, Borini

Cornetto — He’s from Bologna, in Italy: Fabio Borini’s summer is over unless he can find the net

There was a gentle tapping at the door.

“Enter!” said the Vasco De Beauvoir manager from his desk. It was performance review day.

A gauche Fabio Borini shuffled in wearing the club’s new training kit: brown with pink lightening bolts. The Vasco manager gestured towards the empty chair in the middle of the room. The Italian gingerly seated himself.

“Do you know why I’ve asked you in?” said the Vasco boss. He glowered, visibly on edge.

Borini looked at the floor.

“That’s right,” continued the manager, starting to toy with a silver letter opener. “I’d like to talk to you about expectations.”

The last word the Vasco manager pronounced very slowly. It was imperative he dragged the team out of this rut. Ever since the 2010 treble, results had dwindled. His empire was crumbling.

The Italian knew what was coming and rallied. He rattled out: “It’s just a matter of time for me. The same thing happened last season. I scored one goal before October, then got injured for three months and after that I scored my second goal in January.

“From January until March I scored eight goals. I know from past experience that the goals will come. In Swansea I scored six goals from March until May. The goals do com….”

“January! Fucking January!” yelled the Vasco boss, stabbing the paper knife into the polished mahogany desk and springing to his feet. “I don’t know if you’ve noticed in between picking up 10 fucking appearance points in the last two months, but we’re bottom of the fucking league!

“I need you to start pulling something out your arse, Sonny Jim, or you won’t just find yourself with the knife between your teeth, or whatever that contrived goal celebration is about, you’ll find this fucking letter opener giving you a Chelsea fucking smile!”

As he delivered this impassioned vitriol, the Vasco manager had picked up the dagger, moved around the desk and ended the outburst pointing it, shaking with rage, an inch from the quaking 21-year-old’s nose.

“B..b..but..” he stammered.

“Don’t fucking ‘but’ me,” screamed the Vasco boss, spittle hitting the Italian’s face. “I spent a lot of time justifying to the board why I forked out £19m for you. I told them you’re the next fucking Aguero.”

Borini knew better than to react at this last comment. Jermaine Pennant had been dropped after one start for mentioning the Argentine’s name in a team meeting.

“Now, let’s make a deal, “said the Vasco manager in a conciliatory yet strained voice. “You start scoring goals and I won’t sling you out of here like the slovenly luxury player you want to be.”

As he nodded his assent, Borini was saved by a knock at the door. He would not be the only player to get this one-on-one motivational talk today.

“And speaking of slovenly luxury players,” the Vasco boss was genial again. The head of Tomas Rosicky popped around the door.

“Come in Tomas. Fabio was just leaving,” said the gaffer. “Now tell me: why shouldn’t I injure your other shin?”

League table

Week 7 - 9 October 2012 — Week 7 – 9 October 2012

Weekly scores

		Manager	Points	Goals
1	Spartak Mogadishu	Abdi	39	2
2	Newington Reds	Dudley	33	3
3	Lokomotiv Leeds	Ben S	33	2
4	Greendale Rockets	Stu	31	1
5	Northern Monkeys	Hugo	30	2
6	Still Don’t Know Yet	Pete	30	2
7	Sporting Lesbian	Ben M	27	2
8	Hairy Fadjeetas	Aiden	27	1
9	Headless Chickens	John N	26	2
10	Piedmonte	Phil	26	1
11	Pikey Scum	Jack	26	1
12	Woking	Mike	21	1
13	FC Testicluadew	James N	21	0
14	Judean Peoples’ Front	Sholto	20	1
15	PSV Mornington	El Pons	19	0
16	Just put Carles	Carles	18	0
17	Bala Rinas	Lewis	15	1
18	Vasco De Beauvoir	Stix	9	0
19	Dynamo Charlton	Alex	7	0
20	Wandsworth Window Lickers	Will	5	0

This is England

St George's flag — In his heart: Piedmonte players have been made to watch Dambusters to practice their formation

THERE HAVEN’T been many positives in the career of the erstwhile Piedmonte manager.

For seven disappointing years he plied his trade in the Kenna at the helm of Thieving Magpies, sticking to the same dogged loyalty of picking England players to do a job that foreigners will perform with twice the results for half the transfer fee.

After starting their Kenna career with positive third and second place finishes in the opening two seasons, Thieving Magpies spent five years in steady decline. Supporters were patient, but when January’s nadir came with the manager admitting he couldn’t go out locally, it was only a matter of time before he got the boot.

Taking the reins of new club Piedmonte, it looked like the manager had made the same St George’s flag lapel badge blunders of the dark times at ‘Pies, but Darren Bent and Frank Lampard have come charging out of the blocks, ably assisted by Nathan Dyer and Ricky Lambert.

Even the inclusion of his preferred goalkeeper Rob Green appears a masterstroke. The former England man doesn’t get a sniff of action in goal at Loftus Road, where so many away strikers do.

“I like football the English way. It’s about keeping them honest,” said the Piedmonte manager, making the first team’s only foreigners Rafael and Fabricio Coloccini practice slide tackling on the training ground’s goalposts before sending them to buy runner beans from an untended table in a nearby village and checking they’d left some money.

The manager’s dogmatic approach has already caused ripples at the club, with £17m Dutch playmaker Rafael van der Vaart leaving for the Bundesliga.

“I’ve got the utmost respect for Rafa, but to be fair he was a bit of a luxury player,” said the gaffer, who went on to deny rumours the midfielder had left because the team had been made to watch ‘Escape to Victory’ before every match.

League table

Week 6 - 2 October 2012 — Week 6 – 2 October 2012

Weekly scores

		Manager	Points	Goals
1	Sporting Lesbian	Ben M	43	4
2	Pikey Scum	Jack	30	1
3	Judean Peoples’ Front	Sholto	28	2
4	PSV Mornington	El Pons	27	3
5	Bala Rinas	Lewis	24	2
6	Just put Carles	Carles	24	1
7	FC Testicluadew	James N	23	3
8	Spartak Mogadishu	Abdi	23	1
9	Newington Reds	Dudley	21	1
10	Greendale Rockets	Stu	20	1
11	Lokomotiv Leeds	Ben S	20	1
12	Northern Monkeys	Hugo	20	1
13	Still Don’t Know Yet	Pete	20	1
14	Hairy Fadjeetas	Aiden	19	0
15	Headless Chickens	John N	17	1
16	Piedmonte	Phil	17	1
17	Dynamo Charlton	Alex	13	0
18	Wandsworth Window Lickers	Will	12	0
19	Woking	Mike	7	0
20	Vasco De Beauvoir	Stix	6	0

		Points	Player
	Player of the week	20	Suarez, L – LIV – STR
		Club	Sporting Lesbian

Chairman challenges Chris Evans comments

Chris Evans article — Kenna suits have taken issue with praise of the Judean Peoples’ Front manager

BROADCASTER Chris Evans is to have his eyes tested after writing a glowing character reference of the Judean Peoples’ Front manager in his weekly column.

In the Mail on Sunday magazine at the weekend, the BBC Radio 2 host said the Judean Peoples’ Front boss was: “Top of the class, solid gold, as good as it gets.”

But senior figures at Kenna HQ have taken exception to the description by the bespectacled entertainer, which they claim bears no resemblance to the loud buffoonery and poor performance associated with the Welshman’s four-year league career.

“While we appreciate the noble cause that led to the article being written, we cannot let such fulsome praise of the Judean Peoples’ Front manager pass unchallenged,” said the Chairman at a press conference in lounge bar of the King’s Arms, Waterloo.

“Mr Evans’ comment about the JPF manager being ‘modest like that. All the best men are’ is wholly inaccurate taking into consideration a Kenna League tenure marked by poor man management skills, inappropriate jokes about hair colour and worrying parallels with Norwegian gunmen.”

It has been a controversial year for the Welshman. In the February transfer window, a leaked email – in what became known as the Ashley Williams affair – sparked outrage when he was found to have called his members of his first team an ‘under performing bunch of tossers’.

In April, when the team was found to have the fewest black minority ethnic players, the manager was forced to dismiss reports that his similarity to Norwegian mass murderer Anders Breivik only ended at looks.

Judean Peoples’ Front went on to finish a disappointing ninth last season, the manager’s highest achievement in three campaigns at the helm.

Asked how he thought someone could draw such wild conclusions about the JPF boss, the Chairman said: “He’s obviously never sold Chris Evans a car.”

League table

Kenna table week 5 - 24 September 2012 — Week 5 – 24 September 2012

Weekly scores

		Manager	Points	Goals
1	Spartak Mogadishu	Abdi	36	3
2	Piedmonte	Phil	29	4
3	Wandsworth Window Lickers	Will	29	3
4	Judean Peoples’ Front	Sholto	29	2
5	Hairy Fadjeetas	Aiden	27	2
6	Woking	Mike	27	0
7	Still Don’t Know Yet	Pete	26	2
8	FC Testicluadew	James N	25	0
9	Lokomotiv Leeds	Ben S	25	0
10	Sporting Lesbian	Ben M	24	0
11	PSV Mornington	El Pons	23	1
12	Pikey Scum	Jack	23	0
13	Just put Carles	Carles	22	0
14	Bala Rinas	Lewis	16	0
15	Greendale Rockets	Stu	16	0
16	Headless Chickens	John N	15	0
17	Newington Reds	Dudley	15	0
18	Northern Monkeys	Hugo	15	0
19	Vasco De Beauvoir	Stix	15	0
20	Dynamo Charlton	Alex	14	0

		Points	Player
	Player of the week	15	Lambert, R – SOT – STR
		Club	Piedmonte

Kenna club guide – Midlands and West

Immediately identify Kenna players in Midlands and West clubs: Aston Villa, Stoke, Swansea and West Brom.

Aston Villa

Given, S	GK	Dynamo Charlton	£13m
Dunne, R	DEF	Greendale Rockets	£3.5m
Hutton, A	DEF	Judean Peoples’ Front	£0.5m
Warnock, S	DEF	Hairy Fadjeetas	£2m
Holman, B	MID	Lokomotiv Leeds	£0.5m
N’Zogbia, C	MID	Sporting Lesbian	£6.5m
El Ahmadi, K	MID	Pikey Scum	£3m
Ireland, S	MID	Woking	£7m
Delph, F	MID	Northern Monkeys	£7.5m
Agbonlahor, G	STR	PSV Mornington	£7m
Bent, D	STR	Piedmonte	£16m

Stoke

Sorensen, T	GK	Woking	£4m
Wilson, M	DEF	Sporting Lesbian	£2m
Huth, R	DEF	Pikey Scum	£5m
Shawcross, R	DEF	Spartak Mogadishu	£11m
Upson, M	DEF	Dynamo Charlton	£2.5m
Delap, R	MID	PSV Mornington	£0.5m
Pennant, J	MID	Vasco De Beauvoir	£1m
Kightly, M	MID	Greendale Rockets	£5m
Etherington, M	MID	Newington Reds	£6m
Walters, J	STR	Lokomotiv Leeds	£7m
Crouch, P	STR	FC Testicluadew	£2m

Swansea

Taylor, N	DEF	Greendale Rockets	£0.5m
Rangel, A	DEF	Newington Reds	£3m
Williams, A	DEF	Hairy Fadjeetas	£3.5m
Michu	MID	Sporting Lesbian	£2.5m
Routledge, W	MID	Headless Chickens	£1m
Britton, L	MID	Judean Peoples’ Front	£0.5m
Sinclair, S	MID	FC Testicluadew	£11m
Dyer, N	MID	Piedmonte	£10m
Lita, L	STR	Vasco De Beauvoir	£20m
Graham, D	STR	Dynamo Charlton	£10m

West Brom

Foster, B	GK	Sporting Lesbian	£6.5m
McAuley, G	DEF	Vasco De Beauvoir	£0.5m
Olsson, J	DEF	Just put Carles	£0.5m
Tamas, G	DEF	Woking	£5.5m
Morrison, J	MID	Still Don’t Know Yet	£2.5m
Brunt, C	MID	Pikey Scum	£4m
Mulumbu, Y	MID	Newington Reds	£1.5m
Lukaku, R	STR	Spartak Mogadishu	£14m
Odemwingie, P	STR	Wandsworth Window Lickers	£6m

London club guide

North west club guide

North east club guide

East and South club guide

Kenna club guide – East and South

Immediately identify Kenna players in east and south Premier League clubs: Norwich, Reading and Southampton.

Norwich

Ruddy, J	GK	FC Testicluadew	£1.5m
Pilkington, A	MID	Headless Chickens	£3.5m
Snodgrass, R	MID	Dynamo Charlton	£6.5m
Hoolahan, W	MID	Hairy Fadjeetas	£2.5m
Holt, G	STR	Bala Rinas	£9m

Reading

Federici, A	GK	Lokomotiv Leeds	£0.5m
Harte, I	DEF	Vasco De Beauvoir	£10m
Pearce, A	DEF	Northern Monkeys	£3m
McCleary, G	MID	Hairy Fadjeetas	£0.5m
Pogrebnyak, P	STR	Pikey Scum	£8.5m

Southampton

Gazzaniga, P	GK	PSV Mornington	£4.5m
Clyne, N	DEF	Wandsworth Window Lickers	£6m
Lallana, A	MID	Spartak Mogadishu	£14m
Sharp, B	STR	Woking	£1.5m
Lambert, R	STR	Piedmonte	£13m

London club guide

North west club guide

North east club guide

Midlands and West club guide

Kenna club guide – North east

Immediately identify Kenna players in north east Premier League clubs: Newcastle and Sunderland.

Newcastle

Krul, T	GK	Spartak Mogadishu	£21m
Ferguson, S	DEF	Still Don’t Know Yet	£1m
Santon, D	DEF	Sporting Lesbian	£4m
Williamson, M	DEF	Greendale Rockets	£4m
Taylor, S	DEF	Dynamo Charlton	£5m
Simpson, D	DEF	FC Testicluadew	£6.5m
Coloccini, F	DEF	Piedmonte	£10m
Taylor, R	MID	Lokomotiv Leeds	£0.5m
Marveaux, S	MID	Bala Rinas	£2m
Gutierrez, J	MID	Vasco De Beauvoir	£5m
Tiote, C	MID	Judean Peoples’ Front	£0.5m
Ben Arfa, H	MID	Hairy Fadjeetas	£6.5m
Cabaye, Y	MID	Woking	£17m
Ba, D	STR	PSV Mornington	£17m
Cisse, P	STR	Northern Monkeys	£15m

Sunderland

Mignolet, S	GK	Hairy Fadjeetas	£5.5m
Brown, W	DEF	PSV Mornington	£3m
Bardsley, P	DEF	Headless Chickens	£2.5m
Cuellar, C	DEF	Dynamo Charlton	£4m
O’Shea, J	DEF	Wandsworth Window Lickers	£5.5m
Johnson, A	MID	Piedmonte	£4.5m
McClean, J	MID	Bala Rinas	£14m
Cattermole, L	MID	Still Don’t Know Yet	£2.5m
Sessegnon, S	MID	Sporting Lesbian	£13m
Larsson, S	MID	Woking	£9m
Campbell, F	STR	Spartak Mogadishu	£0.5m

London club guide

North west club guide

East and South club guide

Midlands and West club guide

Kenna club guide – North west

Immediately identify Kenna players in north west Premier League clubs: Everton, Liverpool, Manchester City, Manchester United and Wigan Athletic.

Everton

Howard, T	GK	Newington Reds	£8m
Baines, L	DEF	Woking	£22m
Distin, S	DEF	Northern Monkeys	£6m
Neville, P	DEF	Bala Rinas	£4m
Jagielka, P	DEF	Still Don’t Know Yet	£7.5m
Heitinga, J	DEF	PSV Mornington	£6m
Hibbert, T	DEF	Vasco De Beauvoir	£5m
Osman, L	MID	Just put Carles	£0.5m
Fellaini, M	MID	Wandsworth Window Lickers	£9m
Pienaar, S	MID	FC Testicluadew	£12m
Jelavic, N	STR	Judean Peoples’ Front	£21m

Liverpool

Reina, P	GK	Greendale Rockets	£16m
Agger, D	DEF	Bala Rinas	£15m
Skrtel, M	DEF	Newington Reds	£17m
Enrique, J	DEF	Judean Peoples’ Front	£13m
Carragher, J	DEF	Wandsworth Window Lickers	£0.5m
Johnson, G	DEF	Piedmonte	£8m
Downing, S	MID	Pikey Scum	£8m
Gerrard, S	MID	Still Don’t Know Yet	£15m
Leiva, L	MID	PSV Mornington	£0.5m
Henderson, J	MID	Just put Carles	£0.5m
Allen, J	MID	Woking	£7m
Borini, F	STR	Vasco De Beauvoir	£19m
Suarez, L	STR	Sporting Lesbian	£36m

Manchester City

Hart, J	GK	Judean Peoples’ Front	£22m
Savic, S	DEF	Bala Rinas	£10m
Zabaleta, P	DEF	Greendale Rockets	£7m
Kompany, V	DEF	Headless Chickens	£18m
Lescott, J	DEF	Hairy Fadjeetas	£12m
Richards, M	DEF	Woking	£12m
Milner, J	MID	Newington Reds	£0.5m
Silva, D	MID	Just put Carles	£32m
Nasri, S	MID	Wandsworth Window Lickers	£15m
Toure, Y	MID	FC Testicluadew	£21m
Balotelli, M	STR	Still Don’t Know Yet	£23m
Aguero, S	STR	Sporting Lesbian	£12m
Adebayor, E	STR	Pikey Scum	£0.5m
Tevez, C	STR	Dynamo Charlton	£30m
Dzeko, E	STR	Northern Monkeys	£1.5m

Manchester United

de Gea, D	GK	Pikey Scum	£19m
Ferdinand, R	DEF	Vasco De Beauvoir	£6.5m
Evra, P	DEF	Spartak Mogadishu	£15m
Jones, P	DEF	Headless Chickens	£9.5m
Vidic, N	DEF	FC Testicluadew	£13m
Rafael	DEF	Piedmonte	£2m
Kagawa, S	MID	Lokomotiv Leeds	£26m
Nani	MID	Bala Rinas	£15m
Carrick, M	MID	Dynamo Charlton	£2.5m
Valencia, A	MID	Judean Peoples’ Front	£17m
Cleverley, T	MID	Northern Monkeys	£8.5m
Young, A	MID	Wandsworth Window Lickers	£15m
Rooney, W	STR	Greendale Rockets	£38m
Welbeck, D	STR	Just put Carles	£7m
Hernandez, J	STR	Woking	£5.5m
van Persie, R	STR	Still Don’t Know Yet	£35m

Wigan Athletic

Al-Habsi, A	GK	Vasco De Beauvoir	£2.5m
Figueroa, M	DEF	Sporting Lesbian	£0.5m
Boyce, E	DEF	Pikey Scum	£0.5m
Alcaraz, A	DEF	Just put Carles	£0.5m
Miyaichi, R	MID	Newington Reds	£5.5m

London club guide

North east club guide

East and South club guide

Midlands and West club guide

Kenna club guide – London

Immediately identify Kenna players in London clubs: Arsenal, Chelsea, Fulham, QPR, Spurs and West Ham

Arsenal

Szczesny, W	GK	Wandsworth Window Lickers	£19m
Gibbs, K	DEF	Sporting Lesbian	£15m
Sagna, B	DEF	Pikey Scum	£11m
Koscielny, L	DEF	Spartak Mogadishu	£17m
Vermaelen, T	DEF	Newington Reds	£17m
Squillaci, S	DEF	Judean Peoples’ Front	£0.5m
Santos, A	DEF	Woking	£2.5m
Rosicky, T	MID	Vasco De Beauvoir	£1.5m
Walcott, T	MID	Headless Chickens	£17m
Chamberlain, A	MID	Dynamo Charlton	£8.5m
Arteta, M	MID	Just put Carles	£16m
Cazorla, S	MID	Northern Monkeys	£7.5m
Giroud, O	STR	Lokomotiv Leeds	£6m
Gervinho	STR	Greendale Rockets	£0.5m
Chamakh, M	STR	Hairy Fadjeetas	£16.5m
Podolski, L	STR	FC Testicluadew	£11m

Chelsea

Cech, P	GK	Headless Chickens	£19m
Ivanovic, B	DEF	Lokomotiv Leeds	£10m
Cahill, G	DEF	Pikey Scum	£7.5m
Cole, A	DEF	Judean Peoples’ Front	£17m
Terry, J	DEF	Northern Monkeys	£14m
Luiz, D	DEF	FC Testicluadew	£3m
Mata, J	MID	PSV Mornington	£28m
Marin, M	MID	Sporting Lesbian	£0.5m
Ramires	MID	Vasco De Beauvoir	£12m
Meireles, R	MID	Greendale Rockets	£6m
Oscar	MID	Dynamo Charlton	£5.5m
Hazard, E	MID	Hairy Fadjeetas	£26m
McEachran, J	MID	Wandsworth Window Lickers	£9m
Moses, V	MID	Bala Rinas	£12m
Lampard, F	MID	Piedmonte	£16m
Torres, F	STR	Newington Reds	£37m
Sturridge, D	STR	Just put Carles	£20m

Fulham

Schwarzer, M	GK	Just put Carles	£0.5m
Riise, J	DEF	Lokomotiv Leeds	£10m
Senderos, P	DEF	PSV Mornington	£5m
Riether, S	DEF	Spartak Mogadishu	£0.5m
Hughes, A	DEF	Hairy Fadjeetas	£4m
Hangeland, B	DEF	Northern Monkeys	£11m
Frei, K	MID	FC Testicluadew	£5.5m
Rodallega, H	STR	Judean Peoples’ Front	£0.5m

QPR

Green, R	GK	Piedmonte	£0.5m
Fabio	DEF	Lokomotiv Leeds	£0.5m
Ferdinand, A	DEF	Still Don’t Know Yet	£4m
Fabio	DEF	PSV Mornington	£5m
Nelsen, R	DEF	Newington Reds	£0.5m
Young, L	DEF	Dynamo Charlton	£4m
Taarabt, A	MID	Spartak Mogadishu	£1m
W-Phillips, S	MID	Greendale Rockets	£6m
Park, J	MID	Northern Monkeys	£6m
Cisse, D	STR	Bala Rinas	£12m
Zamora, B	STR	Wandsworth Window Lickers	£2m

Spurs

Friedel, B	GK	Northern Monkeys	£0.5m
Kaboul, Y	DEF	Bala Rinas	£6.5m
Dawson, M	DEF	Headless Chickens	£6m
Walker, K	DEF	Just put Carles	£12m
Assou-Ekotto, B	DEF	Wandsworth Window Lickers	£7m
Vertonghen, J	DEF	FC Testicluadew	£13m
Sigurdsson, G	MID	Lokomotiv Leeds	£20m
Bale, G	MID	Pikey Scum	£30m
Modric, L	MID	Spartak Mogadishu	£1m
Lennon, A	MID	Greendale Rockets	£8.5m
Parker, S	MID	Judean Peoples’ Front	£0.5m
van der Vaart, R	MID	Piedmonte	£17m
Dempsey, C	MID	Headless Chickens	£21m
Dembele, M	STR	Newington Reds	£2.5m
Defoe, J	STR	Hairy Fadjeetas	£13m

West Ham

Jaaskelainen, J	GK	Bala Rinas	£0.5m
Collins, J	DEF	Just put Carles	£0.5m
Tomkins, J	DEF	Piedmonte	£3m
O’Neil, G	MID	Still Don’t Know Yet	£0.5m
Noble, M	MID	PSV Mornington	£8m
Nolan, K	MID	Spartak Mogadishu	£5m
Cole, C	STR	Headless Chickens	£1.5m
Carroll, A	STR	Headless Chickens	£1m

North west club guide

North east club guide

East and South club guide

Midlands and West club guide

Arfa Job: Luxury Man

Roman Triclinium scene — Inactivity: Gabriel Tamas, Micah Richards (centre) and Thomas Sorensen put Woking top of the luxury league

HAIRY FADJEETAS have hit out at BBC Radio Five Live after commentators branded Hatem Ben Arfa ‘a luxury man’.

The criticism came during the first half of last night’s match at Goodison Park as Ben Arfa continued to waste possession despite his team struggling in midfield at 1-0 down.

Comments made by summariser Danny Mills outraged the Hairy Fadjeetas midfielder’s manager.

“I’d like to see Five Live bring their ‘analysis’ to the bearpit that is the Kenna and then talk about luxuries,” he fumed from his Regency chaise longue in between mouthfuls After Eight mints dipped in asses’ milk fed to him by the woman who popped Marouane Chamakh’s cherry.

Luxury league

A ‘luxury player’ is considered to be someone whose individual talent can turn a game in his team’s favour, but who contributes little actual work to the side.

Identifying luxury players in general is largely a matter of opinion, but in the Kenna there’s a hard and fast rule.

Below, Kenna teams are ordered into a hierarchy of money spent on players who so far have contributed nothing to their side’s campaign.

Woking top the list, by virtue of having the most players on nil points, including that most profligate of signings – a luxury player in goal. Cynics might say that at one place off the bottom, the club also has a luxury manager.

Leroy Lita and the luxury player’s luxury player Tomas Rosicky have fin de siècle Vasco De Beauvoir a close second.

Considering his side’s dissolute approach, the Fadges boss would do well to heed to the BBC.

Northern Monkeys, Lokomotiv Leeds and Newington Reds are all huddled over their bowl of gruel and cancelling Christmas – all their players have scored points.

Woking (£21.5m) – Thomas Sorensen (£4m), Gabriel Tamas (£5.5m), Micah Richards (£12m)
Vasco De Beauvoir (£21.5m) – Tomas Rosicky (£1.5m), Leroy Lita (£20m)
Hairy Fadjeetas (£18.5m) – Steve Warnock (£2m), Marouane Chamakh (£16.5m)
Headless Chickens (£18m) – Phil Jones (£9.5m), Michael Dawson (£6m), Phil Bardsley (£2.5m)
Dynamo Charlton (£15m) – Luke Young (£4m), Matthew Upson (£2.5m), The Ox (£8.5m)
PSV Mornington (£12.5m) – Paolo Gazzaniga (£4.5m), Phillipe Senderos (£5m), Wes Brown (£3m)
Pikey Scum (£11m) – Bacary Sagna
Bala Rinas (£10m) – Stefan Savic
Wandsworth Window Lickers (£9.5m) – Jamie Carragher (£0.5m), Josh McEachran (£9m)
FC Testiculadew (£5.5m) – Karim Frei
Greendale Rockets (£3.5m) – Richard Dunne (£3.5m)
Still Don’t Know Yet (£2.5m) – Drusille Ngako (£1m), Shane Ferguson (£1m), Gary O’Neill (£0.5m)
Judean Peoples’ Front (£1.5m) – Alan Hutton (£0.5m), Sebastian Squillaci (£0.5m), Scott Parker (£0.5m)
Spartak Mogadishu (£1m) – Luka Modric
Sporting Lesbian (£0.5m) – Marko Marin
Piedmonte (£0.5m) – Rob Green
Just Put Carles (£0.5m) – Jordan Henderson

League table

Weekly scores

		Manager	Points	Goals
1	FC Testicluadew	James N	46	2
2	Greendale Rockets	Stu	30	2
3	Hairy Fadjeetas	Aiden	28	2
4	Just put Carles	Carles	26	0
5	Northern Monkeys	Hugo	25	0
6	Woking	Mike	24	2
7	Lokomotiv Leeds	Ben S	24	0
8	Bala Rinas	Lewis	21	0
9	Sporting Lesbian	Ben M	20	1
10	Headless Chickens	John N	19	1
11	Dynamo Charlton	Alex	19	0
12	Still Don’t Know Yet	Pete	19	0
13	Newington Reds	Dudley	18	0
14	PSV Mornington	El Pons	17	2
15	Judean Peoples’ Front	Sholto	17	0
16	Piedmonte	Phil	16	0
17	Vasco De Beauvoir	Stix	16	0
18	Spartak Mogadishu	Abdi	14	0
19	Pikey Scum	Jack	13	1
20	Wandsworth Window Lickers	Will	2	0

		Points	Player
	Player of the week	15	Gervinho – ARS – STR
		Club	Greendale Rockets

Year Zero

Griffin statue — The Kenna was founded as the Fleet Street Fantasy Football League

LONDON: Wednesday 3 August 2005. Uncertain times.

The Piccadilly line reopened after the London Bombings 26 days previous had rocked the capital like never before (or at least until the pubs opened).
Despite bowling the Australians out by tea on the first day at Lord’s, the England cricket team had gone 1-0 down in the series. On the eve of the second test at Edgbaston the question on everyone’s lips was whether they could win the Ashes back after 17 years.
Edgar Davids joined Tottenham Hotspur on a free transfer from Inter Milan.

In the midst of these extraordinary circumstances, a group of eight distinguished gentlemen congregated at a pub near the site of the original Temple Bar, on the westernmost border of the City of London. Onlookers would have regarded these souls as unremarkable, but over the next four hours they went on to found what will be known in years to come as one of the capital’s most enduring institutions.

Under the auspices of the ‘Fleet Street Fantasy Football League’, this group of pioneers shed the tyranny of mass media fantasy competitions, of whose corporate wiles they’d all grown weary and disaffected, and created a pure format of the game, auctioning off top-level footballers over pints of Belgian Lager and branded ashtrays.

Little did they know, that 39 competitive weeks, two league name changes and one transfer window later, the Barry Norgrove Football League has all but come to the end of its first season; an emotional rollercoster of blood, sweat and avant-garde banter that will be remembered more fondly by history than the day Stanley rumbled Dr Livingstone interfering with the natives.

Four of those early tacticians are still managing teams in the Kenna this season. Over the years others have come and gone, left and stayed, but the central tenets of those events eight years ago still remain at the heart of the league: one of the managers can win and they don’t have to spend every Friday lunchtime making transfers and picking a bloody captain.

In the first of series of rose-tinted reviews, the Kenna will look back at it’s roots and those previous seasons. Most expensive summer signings, manager of the month charts, top points scorers and, of course, the final table will be featured.

Most expensive summer signings

	Player	Team	Value	Points scored
1	T Henry	Stockwell Stockwell	£29.5m	274
2	W Rooney	Thieving Magpies	£28m	245
3	F Lampard	Thieving Magpies	£27m	203
4	S Gerrard	Barking Hoxton	£26m	230
5	H Crespo	Park Ji Sung’s Allstars	£20.5m	107
6	J Defoe	Dynamo Stockwell	£20	54
7	C Ronaldo	Bashers FC	£18.5m	101
8	J Terry	Vasco De Beauvoir	£18m	182
9=	R van Nistelrooy	Bashers FC	£17.5m	176
9=	R Ferdinand	Fat Ladies	£17.5m	83

As experimental as the first prototype of a homemade chastity belt, the initial auction rules were not the honed article of today. The customary £100m budget was established, but managers were able to pick two players from each Premier League outfit.

With only eight managers and a wealth of talent, even the most sought after players didn’t reach £30m. At 18, Wayne Rooney was already a prized asset. Stevie Gerrard and Frank Lampard would also go on to dominate shopping lists.

A certain Czech West Ham defender quickly become synonymous with being the type of player no one wanted to buy, but back in those chivalrous days the Titus Bramble ruling wasn’t even a twinkle in Tomas Repka’s eye.

A full list of teams bought that night can be viewed here.

Story of the season

MOTM awards 2005-06 — Green = Manager of the Month, Red = Turkey of the Month

Thanks to a stingy back five of Paul Robinson, Steve Finnan, Kolo Toure, John Terry and Wes Brown, Vasco De Beauvoir dominated the league from September and were hard to catch from there, picking up five MOTM awards and becoming champions.

Stevie G and The Yak spurred on a spring assault for Barking Hoxton, who made second place their own for a large part of the season and finished there.

The Dynamo Stockwell manager did not enjoy the best of debuts. With a midfield built around Stelios Giannakopoulos, Dynamo’s pre-season prediction of a mid-table finish was woefully over ambitious. They came last.

Final league table

Norgrove table 05-06 — Barry Norgrove table – final standings

The top five individual performers have largely remained popular signings throughout the league’s history. As he would continue to do over the next few years, The Yak crept onto the high scoring charts.

The surprises were Vasco’s Steve Finnan and £500k Darius Vassell. They would both go on to discover, much to the detriment of future managers, this was the pinnacle of their careers.

Highest scorers

	Player	Team	Value	Points scored
1	T Henry	Stockwell Stockwell	£29.5m	274
2	W Rooney	Thieving Magpies	£28m	245
3	S Gerrard	Barking Hoxton	£26m	230
4	F Lampard	Thieving Magpies	£27m	203
5	J Terry	Vasco De Beauvoir	£18m	182
6	The Yak	Barking Hoxton	£7m	180
7	R van Nistlerooy	Bashers FC	£17.5m	176
8	J Riise	Fat Ladies	£10.5m	164
9	S Finnan	Vasco De Beauvoir	£8.5m	155
10	D Vassell	Vasco De Beauvoir	£0.5m	150

How the league administration summed up the season:

“So there you have it. Vasco are champions of the inaugural Barry Norgrove Football League. They’ve led since Week 3, and apart from a period when Mr Robben was at his most theatrical, haven’t looked like slipping. “I think I’ll have a tumbler of pink gin tonight to celebrate,” exclaimed the ever-inebriated Vasco manager. “The boys have done good, and now I can spend the next couple of months immersed in blackjack and hookers.

“Barking Hoxton put up a spirited final stand, with the redoubtable Stevie G saving the final yet again. The much-jostled for third spot finally falls to those winged kleptomaniacs, so it’s Europe for them and Dio-calm for the Allstars. Despite a late spurt from the Fat Ladies (what an image) they remain in fifth spot. Stockwell Stockwell (Henry top scored the entire league) and Bashers (who posted the lowest weekly score of the season of -6) will recharge to fight again next season.

“And finally Dynamo Stockwell. What can one say? Hapless? They aimed for mid-table and failed to fulfill their mediocre ambitions. Only time will tell if they’ve historically posted the worst score ever in the Norgrove, but with more transfer windows promised for next season one would conjecture that only the Black Cats could do worse. One would also think that the manager has taken a long hard look in the mirror, contemplating leaving the gas on for a split second, and is now preparing himself for the muckiest of pints at the awards evening.”

The Dyanmo manager never did drink that mucky pint.