LORRY LOADS of toilet paper being delivered to Vasco De Beauvoir‘s Shoreditch Park ground as the manager attempts to lure Jason Puncheon to the club.
Demba Ba and Juan Mata battling it out in an arroz con leche eating contest as they try to secure their future at PSV Mornington by impressing ‘El Jefe’.
Daniel Sturridge and Jordan Henderson having a ‘siesta off’ to prove their worth to the Just Put Carles manager.
The Sporting Lesbian boss interrupted with news of the fast approaching transfer window during a game of bowls on Plymouth Hoe dismissing concern with the words: “We have time to finish our game of bowls and defeat the Spanish.”
These are some of the things that could be happening this morning as managers rush to get their players released to Kenna HQ ahead of today’s noon deadline.
Come Friday night it’ll be game faces ‘on’ for the second and final transfer window of the season before clubs make their assault on the title / relegation survival / mid-table mediocrity (delete as appropriate).
Top-performing unsigned players, and a few new faces, are listed below. As everyone steels themselves ahead of Friday the question hanging in the air is: just who will walk away with Emmanuel Pogatetz?
Strikers
Hernandez (MUN, 89)
Le Fondre (REA, 87)
Benteke (AVL, 83)
Shaun Maloney (WIG, 64)
Di Santo (WIG, 62)
Gouffran (NEW)
Remy (QPR)
Wellington Paulista (WHM)
Midfield
De Guzman (SWA, 81)
Jason ‘I went for a sh1t’ Puncheon (SOT, 72)
Craig Gardner (SUN, 66)
Beausejour (WIG, 60)
Macanuff (REA, 57)
Coutinho (LIV)
Sissoko (NEW)
Chris David (FUL)
Holtby (TOT)
Defenders
Bassong (NOR, 72)
O’brien (WHM, 68)
Geoff Cameron (STO, 65)
Clichy (MCY, 63)
Azpilicueta (CHE, 60)
Yanga-Mbiwa (NEW)
Haidara (NEW)
Forren (SOT)
Ben Haim (QPR)
Debuchy (NEW)
Emmanuel Pogatetz (WHM)
Cup results
| Greendale Rockets | 2 | 1 | Dynamo Charlton |
| Woking | 1 | 0 | Still Don’t Know Yet |
| Vasco De Beauvoir | 1 | 2 | Headless Chickens |
| Northern Monkeys | 1 | 0 | Judean Peoples’ Front |
| Sporting Lesbian | 1 | 1 | Newington Reds |
| FC Testicluadew | 1 | 0 | Spartak Mogadishu |
| Just put Carles | 0 | 0 | Wandsworth Window Lickers |
| Lokomotiv Leeds | 4 | 1 | Piedmonte |
Canesten Combi Cup group stage – final tables
League table
Weekly scores
| Manager | Points | Goals | ||
| 1 | Lokomotiv Leeds | Ben S | 34 | 4 |
| 2 | Vasco De Beauvoir | Stix | 32 | 1 |
| 3 | Greendale Rockets | Stu | 29 | 2 |
| 4 | Hairy Fadjeetas | Aiden | 26 | 2 |
| 5 | FC Testicluadew | James N | 26 | 1 |
| 6 | Sporting Lesbian | Ben M | 26 | 1 |
| 7 | Headless Chickens | John N | 25 | 2 |
| 8 | Pikey Scum | Jack | 20 | 2 |
| 9 | Woking | Mike | 18 | 1 |
| 10 | Bala Rinas | Lewis | 17 | 0 |
| 11 | Newington Reds | Dudley | 16 | 1 |
| 12 | Northern Monkeys | Hugo | 16 | 1 |
| 13 | Piedmonte | Phil | 15 | 1 |
| 14 | Dynamo Charlton | Alex | 13 | 1 |
| 15 | PSV Mornington | El Pons | 13 | 0 |
| 16 | Judean Peoples’ Front | Sholto | 11 | 0 |
| 17 | Just put Carles | Carles | 10 | 0 |
| 18 | Wandsworth Window Lickers | Will | 8 | 0 |
| 19 | Spartak Mogadishu | Abdi | 6 | 0 |
| 20 | Still Don’t Know Yet | Pete | 3 | 0 |
| Points | Player | |||
| Player of the week | 26 | Giroud, O – ARS – STR | ||
| Club | Lokomotiv Leeds |
