AS THE SPORTING Lesbian manager bathes in the success of winning the Kenna title on his debut, time has run out at the other end of the league.
Vasco De Beauvoir, victors of the inaugural Kenna league in 2005 and double winners in 2010, rounded off a dismal season to be relegated after eight years in the top flight.
The Vasco manager’s disastrous campaign is being pinpointed to the moment he lost a £40m Sergio Aguero under the Titus Bramble ruling at the August auction. The strike force of Leroy Lita and Fabio Borini offered little recompense.
Aguero went on to the snapped up for £12m and became an integral component of Sporting Lesbian’s team.
Speaking to Sky Sports News this morning outside Vasco’s Shoreditch Park ground, which was as far he got when it turned out club wallahs had already ordered the locks to be changed, the outgoing manager said: “Is it opening time yet?”
Licked
In south London, the Kenna diversity police are hot on the trail of another manager with a P45 fresh in his in tray.
No one expected Wandsworth Window Lickers to put up much of a fight this season considering their registered status as intellectually disabled.
But the team bus with rainbows on the side and disproportionately high number of grab handles at their home ground was just a ruse, the whole team turned out to be physically fit athletes who possessed all their mental faculties – with the exception of Peter Odemwingie, who was mostly a knob.
The Wandsworth manager was last seen boarding a plane to South America on a ‘scouting mission’. Club bean counters are said to be keen to speak to the errant manager over missing disability allowance funds.
Crime spree
The Woking manager is still AWOL, and has been since the mysterious death of Sky Sports News presenter Natalie Sawyer on Chobam Common.
Surrey Police were believed to have made a breakthrough in the manhunt when an early-hours 999 call from a club admin girl claimed the manager’s car was parked outside her Worplesdon flat.
A response was dispatched, but officers arrived to find the property empty and ransacked. Two days later the girl was fished out of the Basingstoke Canal with a broken neck.
The search continues.
Big do
Managers will flock to a central London pub on Friday for the Kenna end-of-season awards night.
The Chairman said: “It’s been a long season and for all that hard work managers deserve nothing less than to buy me a beer. There’ll also be a short quiz to see how much people remember from the campaign’s shenanigans.”
Final league table
Weekly scores
| Manager | Points | Goals | ||
| 1 | Spartak Mogadishu | Abdi | 47 | 6 |
| 2 | Northern Monkeys | Hugo | 43 | 1 |
| 3 | Just put Carles | Carles | 40 | 2 |
| 4 | Lokomotiv Leeds | Ben S | 37 | 1 |
| 5 | Piedmonte | Phil | 35 | 1 |
| 6 | Headless Chickens | John N | 34 | 3 |
| 7 | PSV Mornington | El Pons | 34 | 1 |
| 8 | Woking | Mike | 32 | 3 |
| 9 | Dynamo Charlton | Alex | 32 | 0 |
| 10 | Bala Rinas | Lewis | 31 | 2 |
| 11 | Hairy Fadjeetas | Aiden | 30 | 1 |
| 12 | Judean Peoples’ Front | Sholto | 30 | 0 |
| 13 | Pikey Scum | Jack | 26 | 2 |
| 14 | Vasco De Beauvoir | Stix | 26 | 2 |
| 15 | Still Don’t Know Yet | Pete | 25 | 2 |
| 16 | FC Testicluadew | James N | 24 | 1 |
| 17 | Wandsworth Window Lickers | Will | 24 | 0 |
| 18 | Sporting Lesbian | Ben M | 23 | 1 |
| 19 | Greendale Rockets | Stu | 20 | 1 |
| 20 | Newington Reds | Dudley | 8 | 0 |
