August 2013 – The Jeff Kenna League

Rapids de Cullons CF 2013/14

Manager: Jorge (Catalunya)

Twitter name: @BoatBarandCo

Since: 2010

Last season: Did not enter

Trophy cabinet: empty (best finish – 12th in 2010/11)

Sympathies: Barcelona

Darts music: Boat drinks – Jimmy Buffett

Outlook (on 30 August): ‘Come back to the boat’. The words sound so innocent. After eight hours of Kenna auction in the pub, the Rapids manager invited the league back to his bar: a boat moored on the River Thames. What most managers weren’t expecting (some, including the chairman, already know the boat well, and some other places) was another six hours of shooters surrounded by young Spanish women. Football aside, this is the most dangerous manager in the Kenna.

On the pitch, Rapids have the the potential to beat the manager’s last Kenna outing of 12th place. Buying players new to England’s shores is always a risk, but Negredo and Aspas are already proving to be worthy signings. The rest of the side look capable of making appearances and providing spark, although how long will it be before John Terry is hauled before the authorities on a charge of inciting racial hatred?

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KSfONJYIyGM&w=560&h=315]

Stekelenburg, M	FUL	£17m
Terry, J	CHE	£14m
Alonso, M	SUN	£2.5m
Lugano, D	WBA	£1.5m
Caulker, S	CAR	£1m
Young, A	MUN	£3.5m
de Guzman, J	SWA	£4m
Pienaar, S	EVE	£8m
Arteta, M	ARS	£10m
Negredo, A	MCY	£25m
Crouch, P	STO	£10m
		£96.5m

First transfer window – 5 October 2013

Did not attend. League membership under review.

Second transfer window – 7 February 2014

Out				In
Pos	Player	Team	Sold	Pos	Player	Team	Paid
DEF	Garrido, J	NOR	Free	DEF	Alonso, M	SUN	£2.5m
STR	Aspas, I	LIV	Free	STR	Crouch, P	STO	£10m

Pikey Scum 2013/14

Manager: Jack (Hampshire)

Since: 2005 (co-founder and committee member – charts and graphs)

Last season: 15th

Trophy cabinet: Canesten Combi Cup winner 2008, Claudio Caniggia World Cup 2006 win (under review)

Sympathies: Spurs

Darts music: I’m A Pikey – Enrique Iglesias

Outlook (on 29 August 2013): A true workhorse on the Kenna committee in producing the weekly spreadsheet, the Pikey Scum manager’s struggle to translate his enthusiasm for the league into success on the pitch has driven him to a cider-only diet. Since the validity of his 2006 World Cup tournament victory was called into question during last year’s ‘Kenna in the bag’ inquiry, a solitary Canesten Combi Cup win in 2008 is all to be found in the manager’s trophy cabinet. League form in particular is poor. The Hampshire man has languished in mid-table obscurity throughout his Kenna career.

Could he overcome eight hours on the jungle juice and use the auction to improve this season? Certainly Sturridge and Lambert are the most fashionable English strike partnership since Shearer and Owen, both scousers have started the campaign scoring goals. Joe Cole is enjoying a renaissance in east London, but how long until his familiar foes of injury and form catch up? Carrick, Sandro and Morrison are regular starters, yet workaday. More spectacular are Clichy, Azpilicueta and Jenkinson coming forward.

The Pikey Scum manager has been here before though: exciting prospects but he never can quite motivate them into a unit capable of winning the Kenna. Three Manager of the Month awards in seven years: must be the cider.

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WfYT_8DnMpc&w=420&h=315]

Ruddy, J	NOR	£4.5m
Clichy, G	MCY	£19m
Shawcross, R	STO	£15m
Parr, J	CRY	£0.5m
Koscielny, L	ARS	£2.5m
Morrison, J	WBA	£9m
Elmohamady, A	HUL	£0.5m
Willian	CHE	£10m
Cole, J	WHM	£0.5m
Sturridge, D	LIV	£38m
Lambert, R	SOT	£4.5m
		£104m

First transfer window – 5 October 2013

Starting budget: £12m, remaining budget: £2.5m, net loss: £9.5m

(Hyperlink denotes from/to which club players were bought/sold)

Out				In
POS	Player	Team	Sold	POS	Player	Team	Paid
DEF	Azpilicueta, C	CHE	Free	DEF	Senderos, P	FUL	£2m
DEF	Jenkinson, C	ARS	£0.5m	DEF	Koscielny, L	ARS	£2.5m
MID	Sandro	TOT	Free	MID	Lamela, E	TOT	£5.5m

Second transfer window – 7 February 2014

Out				In
POS	Player	Team	Sold	POS	Player	Team	Paid
DEF	Senderos, P	VAL	Free	DEF	Parr, J	CRY	£0.5m
DEF	Cole, J	WHU	Free	MID	Elmohamady, A	HUL	£0.5m
MID	Carrick, M	MUN	Free	MID	Willian	CHE	£10m

St Reatham FC 2013/14

Manager: Mike (Surrey)

Twitter name: @mister76mike

Since: 2012

Last season: 20th (last place – relegated)

Trophy cabinet: Empty (best finish – last season)

Sympathies: Everton

Darts music: In Too Deep – Genesis

Outlook (on 28 August 2013): As the catastrophe of last season unfolded, the then Woking manager faced questions on all sides. Questions from fans about the the team’s dire performances, questions from the Woking board about his ineffectual transfer dealings, questions from Europol about suspected match fixing and questions from Surrey CID about why his DNA was found splashed all over the battered corpse of a female Sky Sports News presenter abandoned on Chobham Common. Somehow his alibi stood up, the Crown Prosecution Service failed to put a convincing case together and the manager was able to attend the Kenna auction at the helm of new employer St Reatham FC.

A fresh season has brought a fresh set of questions, the biggest hanging over the potato head of the manager’s star signing Wayne Rooney. Will he stay? Will he play? Now he’s got a family will be continue to ‘play away’? How is he supposed to form a strike partnership Gerard Deulofeu when the Catalan doesn’t start a game? How does one pronounce ‘Deulofeu’? Is it ‘Jew-Low-Few’? Will the Anti-Defamation League come down on Kenna HQ like a ton of bricks for that comment? Has the Society of Black Lawyers forgotten that incident when they came down on the Kenna? Does the surname of Victor Moses qualify him for more protection from the Anti-Defamation League or would the Society of Black Lawyers take precedence? Will Victor Moses have his own Exodus? To where?

All these questions and many more will be answered over the course of the next few weeks. All the while the St Reatham FC manager will look in the mirror each morning to find an answer the most pertinent enquiry: can he get away with it again?

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z6f2vyeO8Hs&w=420&h=315]

Foster, B	WBA	£0.5m
Delaney, D	CRY	£0.5m
Walker, K	TOT	£17m
Kompany, V	MCY	£5m
Sagna, B	ARS	£5m
Giaccherini, E	SUN	£0.5m
Nolan, K	WHU	£0.5m
Moses, V	CHE	£0.5m
Dyer, N	SWA	£3m
Deulofeu, G	EVE	£16m
Rooney, W	MUN	£39m
		£100m

First transfer window – 5 October 2013

Starting budget: £10m, remaining budget: £4m, net loss: £6m

(Hyperlink denotes from which club player was bought)

Out				In
Pos	Player	Team	Sold	Pos	Player	Team	Value
GK	Mannone, V	SUN	Free	GK	Foster, B	WBA	£0.5m
MID	Yoshida, M	SOT	Free	DEF	Kompany, V	MCY	£5m
MID	Westwood, A	AVL	Free	MID	Ramirez, G	SOT	£0.5m

Second transfer window – 7 February 2014

Out				In
Pos	Player	Team	Sold	Pos	Player	Team	Value
DEF	Martin, R	NOR	Free	DEF	Delaney, D	CRY	£0.5m
MID	Diame, M	WHU	Free	MID	Giaccherini, E	SUN	£0.5m
MID	Ramirez, G	SOT	Free	MID	Nolan, K	WHU	£0.5m

PSV Mornington 2013/14

Manager: El Pons (Catalunya)

Twitter name: @RamonPonsUK

Since: 2009

Last season: 10th

Trophy cabinet: empty (best finish – 9th in 2009/10)

Sympathies: Barcelona

Darts music: La Bamba – Ritchie Valens

Outlook (on 27 August 2013): The original Catalan import, the PSV manager was a Kenna regular long before London’s trendiest bars sold Estrella Damm in bottles, let alone on tap. Unfortunately, that wealth of experience has only brought the antimadridista three mid-table finishes and the ignominy of last-placed relegation in 2010/11. His most notable contribution to the Kenna remains the acrimonious El Gran Cat fight scandal in April 2012, when a war of words erupted with rival Catalan the Just Put Carles manager.

Santi Cazorla and Jose Enrique aside, this season’s PSV team look to continue the mediocre tradition. Robles and Muniesa haven’t yet left the bench; Amorebieta, Gutierrez, N’Zogbia and Carroll are all injured; and commentators still use the words ‘confidence’ and ‘lack of’ when speaking of Fernando Torres. Support for the side’s top talent is left up to a battling-for-his-place Jolean Lescott and Leroy ‘The Bouncer’ Fer.

It’s only a matter of time before yet again the high pressure of the Kenna forces the PSV manager to seek tactical inspiration by locking himself in his office with a week’s supply of arroz con leche and a cardboard cutout of Pep Guardiola.

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Jp6j5HJ-Cok&w=420&h=315]

Robles, J	EVE	£0.5m
Kelly, M	LIV	£0.5m
Amat, J	SWA	£0.5m
Lescott, J	MCY	£1.5m
Amorebieta, F	FUL	£2m
Nani	MUN	£0.5m
Cazorla, S	ARS	£30m
Westwood, A	AVL	£0.5m
Fer, L	NOR	£0.5m
Torres, F	CHE	£30m
Carroll, A	WHM	£15m
		£81.5m

First transfer window – 5 October 2013

Did not attend. League membership under review.

Second transfer window – 7 February 2014

Out				In
Pos	Player	Team	Sold	Pos	Player	Team	Paid
DEF	Enrique, J	LIV	Free	DEF	Kelly, M	LIV	£0.5m
DEF	Muniesa, M	STO	Free	DEF	Amat, J	SWA	£0.5m
MID	Gutierrez, J	NOR	Free	MID	Nani	MUN	£0.5m

MID

N’Sommnia

AVL

Free

MID

Westwood, A

AVL

£0.5m

Young Boys of Vauxhall 2013/14

Manager: Denney (Wales)

Twitter name: @andenney

Since: 2006

Last season: Did not enter

Trohpy cabinet: Champions 2010/11, Canesten Combi Cup winners 2008/09

Sympathies: Spurs

Darts music: Gentle Ben theme

Outlook (on 26 August 2013): Returning after a season-long layoff to focus on defending the club’s ambiguous name to the probings of Operation Yewtree , the Young Boys manager has lost a lot of the luck that made him one of the successful ever entrants in the Kenna.

In a near-copycat predicament to the Spartak Mogadishu Luka Modric fiasco last summer, £25m signing Gareth Bale is all but set to move to sunnier climes, while dark clouds have gathered over £17m Nicolas Anelka, whose future even as a player hangs in the balance. There’s no more joy in the rest of team, where Vincent Kompany and Nathan Baker both face lengthy periods on the treatment table.

Known as ‘Gentle Den’ at the club for his patented arm-round-the-shoulder approach to teasing the best out of his team of Young Boys, the manager will have get to work quickly on the remaining members if he wants to put together a credible challenge this season: Jonathan Walters has already started his campaign with a trademark missed penalty.

However, it’s common knowledge that behind the avuncular exterior lies a rigid disciplinarian, and come previous transfer windows those otherwise performing well have been culled for not meeting the manager’s unique demands, often to the detriment of the club’s title chances (this was sadly before the Kenna was so extensively chronicled on these pages).

For legal reasons, former players have always declined to speak of their experiences breaching the club’s strict code of conduct. Scotland Yard may have cleared him for now, but the Young Boys manager has never been able to shake the stories of cold showers, plastic cable ties and a scoutmaster’s uniform.

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tsaFjefpjJM&w=420&h=315]

Cech, P	CHE	£16m
Demichelis, M	MCY	£0.5m
Santon, D	NEW	£5m
Evra, P	MUN	£11m
Flanagan, J	LIV	£0.5m
Holtby, L	FUL	£0.5m
Brady, R	HUL	£1m
Ireland, S	STO	£0.5m
Delph, F	AVL	£0.5m
Adebayor, E	TOT	£14m
Traore, L	EVE	£0.5m
		£50m

First transfer window – 5 October 2013

Starting budget: £11m, remaining budget: £14.5m, net profit: £2.5m

(Hyperlink denotes to which club players were sold)

Out				In
Pos	Player	Team	Sold	Pos	Player	Team	Paid
DEF	Kompany, V	MCY	£5m	DEF	De Michaelis, M	MCY	£0.5m
MID	Bale, G	RMA	Free	MID	Redmond, N	NOR	£0.5m
MID	Rosicky, T	ARS	Free	MID	Harris, R	YEW	£1.0m
MID	Ramirez, G	SOT	£0.5m	MID	Townsend, A	TOT	£0.5m
STR	Walters, J	STO	£0.5m	STR	Aluko, S	HUL	£0.5m

Second transfer window

Out				In
Pos	Player	Team	Sold	Pos	Player	Team	Paid
DEF	Baker, N	AVL	Free	DEF	Flanagan, J	LIV	£0.5m
MID	Harris, R	YEW	Free	MID	Holtby, L	FUL	£0.5m
MID	Townsend, A	TOT	£1.5m	MID	Brady, R	HUL	£1.0m
MID	Kim	CAR	Free	MID	Ireland, S	STO	£0.5m
MID	Redmond, N	NOR	£0.5m	STR	Delph, F	AVL	£0.5m

STR

Anelka, N

WBA

Free

STR

Adebayor, E

TOT

£14m

STR

Aluko, S

HUL

Free

STR

Traore, L

EVE

£0.5m

Headless Chickens 2013/14

Mr Average: The Headless Chickens manager

Manager: John N (Yorkshire)

Since: 2011

Last season: 16th

Trophy cabinet: empty (best finish – 11th in 2011/12)

Sympathies: Liverpool

Darts music: Everyday Normal Guy – Jon Lajoie

Outlook (on 24 August 2013): Detractors would say he’s never won any silverware, not even a Manager of the Month award. Apologists would argue he’s never been relegated or even got a Turkey of the Month award. Everyone would agree the Kenna career of the Headless Chickens manager has been one of absolute mediocrity, and the stats back this up.

In his third attempt to win, well, anything, the Chickens boss picked up one of the bargains of the auction in Yaya Touré for half a million. Fortunate, since the rest of the midfield look unable to score points at this level – Schneiderlin plays in the holding role, Gardner plays in defence and Sigurdsson rarely plays at all.

Further uncertainty hangs over the front pair. Will Michu continue to enjoy the rich vein of form that saw him score 19 goals last season? Will Craig Bellamy take a five iron to his team mates?

At the back things look more solid, and not just because they have an extra right back in Gardner. Cole, Baines, McAuley and Bassong are likely to start almost every game this season. The Szczesny circus act looks set to continue.

Perhaps where the Chickens manager needs to be most careful is the transfer window. Last October he jettisoned a performing Theo Walcott in favour of Raheem Sterling. Walcott ended the season as one of the top midfielders with 179 points. Sterling scored a below-par 68.

He may as well have used Bellamy’s golf clubs.

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5PsnxDQvQpw&w=420&h=315]

Szczesny, W	ARS	£7m
Baines, L	EVE	£17m
McAuley, G	WBA	£6.5m
Bassong, S	NOR	£6.5m
Cole, A	CHE	£11m
Gardner, C	SUN	£6.5m
Sigurdsson, G	TOT	£5.5m
Schneiderlin, M	SOT	£4.5m
Toure, Y	MCY	£0.5m
Michu	SWA	£27m
Mitroglou, K	FUL	£12.5m
		£104.5m

First transfer window – 5 October 2013

Starting budget: £11m, remaining budget: £3m, net loss: £8m

Out				In
Pos	Player	Team	Sold	Pos	Player	Team	Value
STR	Bellamy, C	CAR	Free	STR	Cisse, P	NEW	£8m

Second transfer window – 7 February 2014

Out				In
Pos	Player	Team	Sold	Pos	Player	Team	Value
STR	Cisse, P	NEW	Free	STR	Mitroglou, K	FUL	£12.5m

This is Sparta…Prague 2013/14

Manager: Rich (Coventry)

Twitter name: @Richevatt

Since: Debut

Sympathies: Coventry City/Manchester United

Darts music: Grange Hill theme

Outlook (on 23 August 2013): Like Sideshow Bob in a car park full of rakes, the This is Sparta…Prague manager walked into every trap going in his debut auction. Snared by the Titus Bramble ruling not once but twice, it’s lucky his midfield has Jesus on it’s side, although it could be argued that Josef Fritzl shows promise in the holding role and Jeremy Forrest has proven ability to snatch one in the early stages. Aaron Lennon will clearly be the passenger.

While it’s yet to be seen whether the Suarez gamble pays off, Danny Welbeck has kicked off the campaign in sparkling form. The back five look capable and, apart from the aging Riise, were all handed starts in their first game.

Whether by folly or design, the Sparta manager was the thriftiest at last weekend’s auction, and takes a commanding war chest into the first transfer window in October, where he will begin the task of rebuilding his team to escape relegation.

Unfortunately for the rangy guitarist, his transfer kitty won’t be enough to take out a superinjunction disassociating himself from one of the nation’s most high-profile paedophiles for the rest of his Kenna career.

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BE7gAEsI0XY&w=420&h=315]

(B) denotes forfeit player awarded under the Titus Bramble ruling.

Westwood, K	SUN	£3m
Luiz, D	CHE	£15m
Figueroa, M	HUL	£4.5m
O’Brien, J	WHM	£3.5m
Riise, J	FUL	£0.5m
Fritzl, J (B)		£16.5m
Lennon, A	TOT	£14m
Navas, J	MCY	£10m
Forrest, J (B)		£8.5m
Welbeck, D	MUN	£2.5m
Suarez, L	LIV	£0.5m
		£78.5m

First transfer window – 5 October 2013

Did not attend. League membership under review.

Second transfer window – 7 February 2014

Did not attend. Final written warning.

Dynamo Charlton 2013/14

Manager: Alex (Surrey)

Twitter name: @alexbass75

Since: 2011

Last season: 6th

Trophy cabinet: Olisadebe Euro 2012 winner

Sympathies: Charlton Athletic

Darts music: The Gladiators TV theme

Outlook (on 22 August 2013): Rarely noted for pizzazz, the Dynamo manager went about the auction in the calm, mediated fashion that saw him win the Emmanuel Olisadebe 2012 Euros, although he’s never been able to transfer that success to the domestic game. Coming 14th in his debut season, and finishing 6th in May, the Dynamo boss will be hoping this side can finally bring league glory.

Before slipping away from last weekend’s auction, the manager assembled an adequate side and left £14.5m in the pot to become the third most affluent for October’s transfer window, a useful asset when it comes to replacing Darren still-can’t-get-a-game-despite-changing-clubs-because-surely-Berbatov-will-start Bent.

I’m a professional tweeter now Rio Ferdinand aside, the rest of the side are likely to pick up appearance points throughout the campaign without setting the world on fire. Will it be enough?

Probably not.

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vrVMLAlb8Ek&w=420&h=315]

Boruc, A	SOT	£9.5m
Zabaleta, P	MCY	£15m
Pieters, E	STO	£5m
Cissokho, A	LIV	£0.5m
Evans, J	MUN	£2.5m
Ince, T	CRY	£2.5m
Noone, C	CAR	£0.5m
Lampard, F	CHE	£5m
Ben Arfa, H	NEW	£3.5m
Bent, D	AVL	£10m
Hooper, G	NOR	£10m
		£64m

First transfer window – 5 October 2013

Starting budget: £24.5m, remaining budget: £24m, net loss: £0.5m

(Hyperlink denotes to which club player was sold)

Out				In
Pos	Player	Team	Sold	Pos	Player	Team	Value
MID	Koren	HUL	Free	MID	Sinclair, S	WBA	£0.5m
STR	Kone	EVE	£0.5m	STR	Odemwingie, P	CAR	£0.5m

Second transfer window – 7 February 2014

Out				In
Position	Player	Team	Sold	Position	Player	Team	Paid
DEF	Rat, R	WHU	Free	DEF	Cissokho, A	LIV	£0.5m
DEF	Ferdinand, R	MUN	Free	DEF	Evans, J	MUN	£2.5m
MID	Walcott, T	ARS	Free	MID	Ince, T	CRY	£2.5m
MID	Sinclair, S	WBA	Free	MID	Noone, C	CAR	£0.5m
STR	Odemwingie, P	STO	£5m	STR	Hooper, G	NOR	£10m

Lokomotiv Leeds 2013/14

All over my face: The Lokomotiv Leeds manager

Manager: Ben S (Yorkshire)

Twitter name: @BenCSilver

Since: 2011

Last season: 7th

Trophy cabinet: empty (best finish – runner up in 2011/12)

Sympathies: Leeds

Darts music: Bicycle Race – Queen

Outlook (on 21 August 2013): As reports of managers’ exploits filtered back to Kenna HQ in the days following last weekend’s auction there was one tale of particular note. Whether the incumbent mayor’s most innovative and popular scheme of public transport was designed to get Londoners home after 15 hours on licensed premises is an ethical discussion rather than a footballing one, but what remains clear is that a manager capable of such haphazard decision making in the face of revelry is likely to build a team incompatible with mounting a genuine title challenge.

The Lokomotiv boss will be keen to get back to the heights of his plucky debut campaign two years ago. Last season’s 7th-placed finish was far from the promise of his runners-up medal the previous May, and the manager has bought a team that can score points, although inclined to grind out them out rather than win them with flair. The victorious Dynamo Temple of 2008/09 proved that an unspectacular side can win the Kenna, but that was in the days of just 12 managers rather than 23 hunting for the spoils.

Marquee signing Wilfred Bony has already found the net just as Gabby Agbonlahor appears to have found the form that earned him three national call ups – incidentally during which time he was part of the winning Dynamo Temple team mentioned above.

In midfield, Johnson and Fellaini look to be starters for the season, unlike forfeit player Josh McEachran. The recognised authorities on the matter have already questioned the value Victor Wanyama can bring. At the back it’s steady as she goes, with only Younis Kaboul – formerly sidelined with injury – failing to score less than 90 points last season.

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GugsCdLHm-Q&w=420&h=315]

(B) denotes forfeit player awarded under the Titus Bramble ruling

Mignolet, S	LIV	£11m
Riether, S	FUL	£18m
Cameron, G	STO	£6m
Fonte, J	SOT	£2m
Rafael	MUN	£11m
McGeady, A	EVE	£2.5m
Johnson, A	SUN	£4.5m
Nocerino, A	WHU	£0.5m
Matic, N	CHE	£0.5m
Agbonlahor, G	AVL	£12m
Bony, W	SWA	£25m
		£93m

First transfer window – 5 October 2013

Starting budget: £10m, remaining budget: £6.5m, net loss: £3.5m

Out				In
Pos	Player	Team	Sold	Pos	Player	Team	Paid
DEF	Evans, J	MUN	Free	DEF	Fonte, J	SOT	£2m
DEF	Kaboul, Y	TOT	Free	DEF	Yanga-Mbiwa, M	NEW	£0.5m
MID	McEachran, J (TB)	CHE	Free	MID	Amalfitano, M	WBA	£0.5m
MID	Wanyama, V	SOT	Free	MID	Brady, R	HUL	£0.5m

Second transfer window – 7 February 2014

Out				In
Pos	Player	Team	Sold	Pos	Player	Team	Paid
DEF	Yanga-Mbiwa, M	NEW	Free	DEF	Rafael	MUN	£11m
MID	Amalfitano, M	WBA	Free	MID	McGeady, A	EVE	£2.5m
MID	Brady, R	HUL	£5m	MID	Nocerino, A	WHU	£0.5m
MID	Fellaini, M	MUN	£0.5m	MID	Matic, N	CHE	£0.5m

Still Don’t Know Yet 2013/14

At odds: The Still Don’t Know Yet manager

Manager: Pete (Teeside)

Twitter name: @peterball01

Since: 2012

Last season: 14th

Trophy cabinet: Empty (best finish – last season)

Sympathies: Boro

Darts music: Theme from ‘The Power Game’ – Cyril Stapleton

Outlook (on 20 August 2013): Despite earnest, late 90s conversations to the contrary, the internet definitely caught on. Not only did it allow the Still Don’t Know Yet manager to Skype into the Kenna auction from his summer sojourn in the Med complete with sunglasses and a panama hat, it gave him the platform to prove that no matter where you are in the world it’s possible to spend half your budget on Robin van Persie and the rest on a bunch of no-hopers who’ll make less substantive appearances this season than Madeleine McCann. Still, if there’s a chance of her mum turning up looking worried in a bikini…

Of course, for the SDKY manager the auction was less about mounting a title challenge and more a further opportunity to nurture his growing disillusionment with the league apparatus. Disappearing early for a can Boddingtons and re-runs of Only Fools and Horses in Valencia’s premier English pub, he left three gaps in his team filled by correspondence later that week. An Andre Wisdom, Philippe Senderos and Billy Jones later (see paragraph above), a leaked email about how the auction was run revealed the struggling manager to be apoplectic:

“For a start I’m only missing three players which means I’ve done 73% of a job not a “half a job” which considering I was only able to see the first 1/16th of the auction I believe was a creditable performance. I used to think that your offer to take transfer requests via fax was some sort of retro joke but now it seems more likely that this is due to the antiquated technological set up at Kenna HQ. I hope some of this year’s increased fees will be invested in infrastructure.”

The leaked email also revealed the SDKY manager clearly hasn’t forgotten that Gary O’Neil/James Collins incident last summer, which resulted in the Irish defender being kidnapped from the team hotel by a van load of goons with poor elocution, thought – but never proven – to be acting on the orders of the Kenna executive. He raged:

“I’m not having your bureaucrats cripple my team again this year after O’Neil-gate with petty administrative attacks.”

Kenna HQ remain tight lipped about the affair, except to make a firm rebuttal that there was “no retro joke involved in such a serious matter as faxing in transfer window requests”.

The fracas looks set to continue.

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FFrqbfiFlQQ&w=420&h=315]

Guzan, B	AVL	£8m
Agger, D	LIV	£5m
Tomkins, J	WHU	£0.5m
Dawson, M	TOT	£0.5m
Jenkinson, C	ARS	£0.5m
Pilkington, A	NOR	£8m
Sung-Yeung, K	SUN	£8.5m
Adam, C	STO	£0.5m
Davis, S	SOT	£4m
van Persie, R	MUN	£46m
Gayle, D	CRY	£0.5m
		£82m

First transfer window – 5 October 2013

Starting budget: £12.5m, remaining budget: £13m, net profit: £0.5m

(Hyperlink denotes to/from which club player was sold/bought)

Out				In
Pos	Player	Team	Sold	Pos	Player	Team	Paid
DEF	Wisdom, A	LIV	Free	DEF	Dawson, M	TOT	£0.5m
DEF	Senderos, P	FUL	£2m	DEF	Jenkinson, C	ARS	£0.5m
MID	Essien, M	CHE	Free	MID	Adam, C	STO	£0.5m

Second transfer window – 7 February 2014

Out				In
Pos	Player	Team	Sold	Pos	Player	Team	Paid
DEF	Connolly, M	CAR	Free	DEF	Agger, D	LIV	£5m
DEF	Davies, B	WBA	Free	DEF	Tomkins, J	WHU	£0.5m
MID	Cabaye, Y	PSG	Free	MID	Sung-Yueng, K	SUN	£8.5m

STR

Graham, D

MID

Free