September 2013 – Page 2 – The Jeff Kenna League

Bala Rinas 2013/14

Manager: Lewis (Wales)

Twitter name: @jsl105

Since: 2007 (committee member – treasurer)

Last season: 13th

Trophy cabinet: Empty (highest league position – 8th in 2011/12)

Sympathies: Wrexham

Darts music: C.R.E.A.M. – Wu Tang Clan

Outlook (on 10 September 2013): The treasurer has long tried to impose his tactics on the field, but his record is not a rosy one. The second-least successful manager in league history, it took him three seasons in the wilderness to overcome the ignominy of steering The Trinny Men to last place in his debut campaign. Returning at the helm of Bala Rinas in 2011, his team’s performances on the pitch have been eclipsed by his realpolitik at Kenna HQ. Elevation to the league committee in July last year led to fierce criticism from Kenna managers who questioned the appointment’s probity.

Rumours were flying in the build up to August’s auction that the Bala Rinas boss had turned his expansive accountancy skills to squad selection and he’d devised an ingenious balance sheet to identify Kenna-winning talent. The manager’s homework appears to be paying off. In what’s being touted as a Kenna first, all eleven of the Bala Rinas team turned out for the first two competitive weeks of the season.

Another 35 weeks to go and all’s well, but with Paulinho the most expensive player at £17m, will the Bala Rinas manager live to regret his decision not to make some bigger signings? And who will he choose to jettison between Foster and Sessegnon come the October transfer window?

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WrsfJHLx5YA&w=420&h=315]

Mannone, V	SUN	£0.5m
Monreal, N	ARS	£8m
Shaw, L	SOT	£5.5m
Collins, J	WHM	£0.5m
Heitinga, J	FUL	£2.5m
Fellaini, M	MUN	£0.5m
Nasri, S	MCY	£2m
Sissoko, M	NEW	£10m
Paulinho	TOT	£17m
Chamakh, M	CRY	£14m
Lukaku, R	EVE	£3m
		£63.5m

First transfer window – 5 October 2013

Starting budget: £6m, remaining budget: £6m, net profit/loss: broken even

(Hyperlink denotes club to which player was sold)

Out				In
Pos	Player	Team	Sold	Pos	Player	Team	Value
GK	Foster, B	WBA	£0.5m	GK	Stockdale, D	FUL	£0.5m

Second transfer window – 7 February 2014

Out				In
Position	Player	Team	Sold	Position	Player	Team	Paid
GK	Stockdale, D	FUL	Free	GK	Mannone, V	SUN	£0.5m
DEF	Luna, A	AVL	Free	DEF	Monreal, N	ARS	£8m
DEF	Agger, D	LIV	£5m	DEF	Heitinga, J	FUL	£2.5m
MID	Sessegnon, S	WBA	Free	MID	Fellaini, M	MUN	£0.5m
MID	Routledge, W	SWA	£1m	MID	Nasri, S	MCY	£2m

STR

Chamakh, M

CRY

£14m

Team Panda Rules OK 2013/14

Manager: George (Bromley)

Since: Debut

Sympathies: Millwall

Darts music: True Love Ways – Buddy Holly

Outlook (on 4 September 2013): The debut of the Team Panda Rules OK manager brings a raw south east England edge to the league. Known around the club as ‘The Panda’, the gaffer shares little in common with the soon-to-be-extinct bundle of joy at Edinburgh Zoo. His origins and accent more readily liken the Bromley man to an extra from hit TV show The Inbetweeners, a link cemented when he once revealed he actually went on a school geography field trip to Swanage. He maintains rumours he punched a fish and asked a pensioner at an ice cream stand whether she wanted to suck him off are purely here say.

The form of Olivier Giroud will settle the nerves of the team, even if Kane’s inactivity does the opposite. The Panda will be closely tracking Gareth Barry’s progress now the midfielder’s move to Merseyside means a choice between releasing him or Distin come the October transfer window. The rest of the side literally contains a couple of Johnsons.

With just one substitute appearance, Nani really is living up to the notion that he’s just a not very good Michael Jackson.

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X21mJh6j9i4&w=420&h=315]

Under Kenna rules, the manager must release one of the players in red at the next transfer window.

Begovic, A	STO	£7m
O’Shea, J	SUN	£11m
Lovren, D	SOT	£8.5m
Distin, S	EVE	£14m
Johnson, G	LIV	£17m
Kasami, P	FUL	£0.5m
Brunt, C	WBA	£7m
Johnson, B	NOR	£8m
Bacuna, L	AVL	£0.5m
Giroud, O	ARS	£20m
Campbell, F	CAR	£11m
		£104m

First transfer window – 5 October 2013

Starting budget: £11m, remaining budget: £0m, net loss: £11m

(Hyperlink denotes to which club player was sold)

Out				In
Pos	Player	Team	Sold	Pos	Player	Team	Paid
MID	Barry, G	EVE	£0.5m	MID	Kasami, P	FUL	£0.5m
STR	Kane, H	TOT	Free	STR	Campbell, F	CAR	£11m

Second transfer window – 7 February 2014

Out				In
Pos	Player	Team	Sold	Pos	Player	Team	Paid
MID	Nani	MUN	£0.5m	MID	Bacuna, L	AVL	£0.5m

Just Put Carles 2013/14

Manager: Carles (Catalunya)

Twitter name: @cduzpalau

Since: 2010

Last season: 5th

Trophy cabinet: Empty (highest league position – last season)

Sympathies: FC Barcelona

Darts music: Cant del Barca

Outlook (on 4 September): The Just Put Carles boss is one of a trio of Catalans in the Kenna who not in their wildest childhood dreams could have imagined emigration to the UK would end in competing at the game’s highest level. Overcoming his birth in the relative football backwater of the Costa Brava, last season the JPC boss became the Kenna’s most successful foreign manager in the league’s history by finishing in fifth position. Achievement earned the curiosity of his girlfriend, who attended last month’s auction to see for herself just what all the fuss was about. No doubt she was made to regret her decision when the new auction wildcards were unveiled.

Unlike his fellow conquistadores, the JPC manager chose to avoid the tactic of just signing Hispanic players. While Rapids de Cullons CF have five and PSV Mornington have seven, JPC boasts just Angel Rangel – an established starter who will play in defence alongside Guy Demel, Andy Wilkinson and Chris Smalling, in front of goalkeeper Tim Howard. Fernandinho, Dembele, Kacaniklic and Henderson all appear to be getting game time this campaign. Only Ba and Sanogo up front look like bench warmers.

Crucially, the manager takes £13m into the first transfer window in October, making JPC the fourth richest club in the league.

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ChFJOYO622Y&w=420&h=315]

Howard, T	EVE	£9m
Smalling, C	MUN	£1m
Rosenior, L	HUL	£2m
Rangel, A	SWA	£5m
Demel, G	WHM	£2.5m
Mutch, J	CAR	£5.5m
Fernandinho	MCY	£30m
Colback, J	SUN	£0.5m
Henderson, J	LIV	£0.5m
Walters, J	STO	£0.5m
Ameobi, Sh	NEW	£0.5m
		£57m

First transfer window – 5 October 2013

Did not attend. League membership under review.

Second transfer window – 7 February 2014

Out				In
Position	Player	Team	Sold	Position	Player	Team	Paid
DEF	Wilkinson, A	STO	Free	DEF	Rosenior, L	HUL	£2m
MID	Dembele, M	TOT	Free	MID	Mutch, J	CAR	£5.5m
MID	Kacanilkic, A	FUL	Free	MID	Colback, J	SUN	£0.5m
STR	Ba, D	CHE	Free	STR	Walters, J	STO	£0.5m
STR	Sanogo, Y	ARS	Free	STR	Ameobi, Sh	NEW	£2m

Simmering Sporting take August honours

Lesbians — Getting it on: Defending champions Sporting Lesbian start as they mean to continue (photo courtesy of MatchHerpes.com)

IN MANY ways the Kenna is a carbon copy of the Champions League. Football’s most talented managers locked in a high stakes tactical battle, scrutiny from fans and media across the globe, the thought of premium lager never far away.

The two competitive arenas share one other inescapable comparison – no manager has ever won twice on the bounce.

So it’s with great interest that everyone is watching the indomitable progress of Sporting Lesbian.

The defending champions, who won the Kenna so convincingly in May, are right back on top of the table after three competitive weeks of the season.

Podolski, Giaccherini, Wilson, Coloccini, Coleman and de Gea are all, like Mick Philpott in hero mode, setting the place on fire. Goals, assists and clean sheets are flooding in. And Stevan Jovetic hasn’t even played yet.

The omens bode well for the Sporting boss, in the last three seasons the winner of August’s MOTM award has gone on the take the title.

Things don’t look so rosy for Still Don’t Know Yet. In four of the eight Kenna seasons, the last-placed team at this stage of the campaign has gone on to be relegated.

League table

3 September 2013 - 3 of 37 — Kenna table 3 September 2013 – week 3 of 37

Weekly scores

			This week
		Manager	Points	Goals
1	Piedmonte	Phil	37	1
2	Headless Chickens	John N	33	1
3	Dynamo Charlton	Alex	32	1
4	Pikey Scum	Jack	31	1
5	Sporting Lesbian	Ben M	28	0
6	Team Panda Rules OK	George	27	1
7	Northern Monkeys	Hugo	25	0
8	Rapids De Cullons CF	Jorge	24	1
9	Newington Reds	Dudley	24	0
10	Spartak Mogadishu	Abdi	23	1
11	Hairy Fadjeetas	Aiden	23	0
12	Lokomotiv Leeds	Ben S	23	0
13	FC Testiculadew	James N	21	0
14	Lurliners	Luke	20	1
15	Just put Carles	Carles	20	0
16	PSV Mornington	El Pons	19	0
17	Young Boys	Denney	19	0
18	Bala Rinas	Lewis	15	0
19	Judean Peoples Front	Sholto	13	0
20	KS West Green	Stix	13	0
21	Still Don’t Know Yet	Pete	10	0
22	St. Reatham FC	Mike	8	0
23	This is Sparta…Prague	Rich	7	0

		Points	Player
	Player of the week	11	Davies, B – SWA – DEF
		Club	Piedmonte