2013 – Page 5 – The Jeff Kenna League

Young Boys of Vauxhall 2013/14

Manager: Denney (Wales)

Twitter name: @andenney

Since: 2006

Last season: Did not enter

Trohpy cabinet: Champions 2010/11, Canesten Combi Cup winners 2008/09

Sympathies: Spurs

Darts music: Gentle Ben theme

Outlook (on 26 August 2013): Returning after a season-long layoff to focus on defending the club’s ambiguous name to the probings of Operation Yewtree , the Young Boys manager has lost a lot of the luck that made him one of the successful ever entrants in the Kenna.

In a near-copycat predicament to the Spartak Mogadishu Luka Modric fiasco last summer, £25m signing Gareth Bale is all but set to move to sunnier climes, while dark clouds have gathered over £17m Nicolas Anelka, whose future even as a player hangs in the balance. There’s no more joy in the rest of team, where Vincent Kompany and Nathan Baker both face lengthy periods on the treatment table.

Known as ‘Gentle Den’ at the club for his patented arm-round-the-shoulder approach to teasing the best out of his team of Young Boys, the manager will have get to work quickly on the remaining members if he wants to put together a credible challenge this season: Jonathan Walters has already started his campaign with a trademark missed penalty.

However, it’s common knowledge that behind the avuncular exterior lies a rigid disciplinarian, and come previous transfer windows those otherwise performing well have been culled for not meeting the manager’s unique demands, often to the detriment of the club’s title chances (this was sadly before the Kenna was so extensively chronicled on these pages).

For legal reasons, former players have always declined to speak of their experiences breaching the club’s strict code of conduct. Scotland Yard may have cleared him for now, but the Young Boys manager has never been able to shake the stories of cold showers, plastic cable ties and a scoutmaster’s uniform.

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tsaFjefpjJM&w=420&h=315]

Cech, P	CHE	£16m
Demichelis, M	MCY	£0.5m
Santon, D	NEW	£5m
Evra, P	MUN	£11m
Flanagan, J	LIV	£0.5m
Holtby, L	FUL	£0.5m
Brady, R	HUL	£1m
Ireland, S	STO	£0.5m
Delph, F	AVL	£0.5m
Adebayor, E	TOT	£14m
Traore, L	EVE	£0.5m
		£50m

First transfer window – 5 October 2013

Starting budget: £11m, remaining budget: £14.5m, net profit: £2.5m

(Hyperlink denotes to which club players were sold)

Out				In
Pos	Player	Team	Sold	Pos	Player	Team	Paid
DEF	Kompany, V	MCY	£5m	DEF	De Michaelis, M	MCY	£0.5m
MID	Bale, G	RMA	Free	MID	Redmond, N	NOR	£0.5m
MID	Rosicky, T	ARS	Free	MID	Harris, R	YEW	£1.0m
MID	Ramirez, G	SOT	£0.5m	MID	Townsend, A	TOT	£0.5m
STR	Walters, J	STO	£0.5m	STR	Aluko, S	HUL	£0.5m

Second transfer window

Out				In
Pos	Player	Team	Sold	Pos	Player	Team	Paid
DEF	Baker, N	AVL	Free	DEF	Flanagan, J	LIV	£0.5m
MID	Harris, R	YEW	Free	MID	Holtby, L	FUL	£0.5m
MID	Townsend, A	TOT	£1.5m	MID	Brady, R	HUL	£1.0m
MID	Kim	CAR	Free	MID	Ireland, S	STO	£0.5m
MID	Redmond, N	NOR	£0.5m	STR	Delph, F	AVL	£0.5m

STR

Anelka, N

WBA

Free

STR

Adebayor, E

TOT

£14m

STR

Aluko, S

HUL

Free

STR

Traore, L

EVE

£0.5m

Headless Chickens 2013/14

Mr Average: The Headless Chickens manager

Manager: John N (Yorkshire)

Since: 2011

Last season: 16th

Trophy cabinet: empty (best finish – 11th in 2011/12)

Sympathies: Liverpool

Darts music: Everyday Normal Guy – Jon Lajoie

Outlook (on 24 August 2013): Detractors would say he’s never won any silverware, not even a Manager of the Month award. Apologists would argue he’s never been relegated or even got a Turkey of the Month award. Everyone would agree the Kenna career of the Headless Chickens manager has been one of absolute mediocrity, and the stats back this up.

In his third attempt to win, well, anything, the Chickens boss picked up one of the bargains of the auction in Yaya Touré for half a million. Fortunate, since the rest of the midfield look unable to score points at this level – Schneiderlin plays in the holding role, Gardner plays in defence and Sigurdsson rarely plays at all.

Further uncertainty hangs over the front pair. Will Michu continue to enjoy the rich vein of form that saw him score 19 goals last season? Will Craig Bellamy take a five iron to his team mates?

At the back things look more solid, and not just because they have an extra right back in Gardner. Cole, Baines, McAuley and Bassong are likely to start almost every game this season. The Szczesny circus act looks set to continue.

Perhaps where the Chickens manager needs to be most careful is the transfer window. Last October he jettisoned a performing Theo Walcott in favour of Raheem Sterling. Walcott ended the season as one of the top midfielders with 179 points. Sterling scored a below-par 68.

He may as well have used Bellamy’s golf clubs.

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5PsnxDQvQpw&w=420&h=315]

Szczesny, W	ARS	£7m
Baines, L	EVE	£17m
McAuley, G	WBA	£6.5m
Bassong, S	NOR	£6.5m
Cole, A	CHE	£11m
Gardner, C	SUN	£6.5m
Sigurdsson, G	TOT	£5.5m
Schneiderlin, M	SOT	£4.5m
Toure, Y	MCY	£0.5m
Michu	SWA	£27m
Mitroglou, K	FUL	£12.5m
		£104.5m

First transfer window – 5 October 2013

Starting budget: £11m, remaining budget: £3m, net loss: £8m

Out				In
Pos	Player	Team	Sold	Pos	Player	Team	Value
STR	Bellamy, C	CAR	Free	STR	Cisse, P	NEW	£8m

Second transfer window – 7 February 2014

Out				In
Pos	Player	Team	Sold	Pos	Player	Team	Value
STR	Cisse, P	NEW	Free	STR	Mitroglou, K	FUL	£12.5m

This is Sparta…Prague 2013/14

Manager: Rich (Coventry)

Twitter name: @Richevatt

Since: Debut

Sympathies: Coventry City/Manchester United

Darts music: Grange Hill theme

Outlook (on 23 August 2013): Like Sideshow Bob in a car park full of rakes, the This is Sparta…Prague manager walked into every trap going in his debut auction. Snared by the Titus Bramble ruling not once but twice, it’s lucky his midfield has Jesus on it’s side, although it could be argued that Josef Fritzl shows promise in the holding role and Jeremy Forrest has proven ability to snatch one in the early stages. Aaron Lennon will clearly be the passenger.

While it’s yet to be seen whether the Suarez gamble pays off, Danny Welbeck has kicked off the campaign in sparkling form. The back five look capable and, apart from the aging Riise, were all handed starts in their first game.

Whether by folly or design, the Sparta manager was the thriftiest at last weekend’s auction, and takes a commanding war chest into the first transfer window in October, where he will begin the task of rebuilding his team to escape relegation.

Unfortunately for the rangy guitarist, his transfer kitty won’t be enough to take out a superinjunction disassociating himself from one of the nation’s most high-profile paedophiles for the rest of his Kenna career.

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BE7gAEsI0XY&w=420&h=315]

(B) denotes forfeit player awarded under the Titus Bramble ruling.

Westwood, K	SUN	£3m
Luiz, D	CHE	£15m
Figueroa, M	HUL	£4.5m
O’Brien, J	WHM	£3.5m
Riise, J	FUL	£0.5m
Fritzl, J (B)		£16.5m
Lennon, A	TOT	£14m
Navas, J	MCY	£10m
Forrest, J (B)		£8.5m
Welbeck, D	MUN	£2.5m
Suarez, L	LIV	£0.5m
		£78.5m

First transfer window – 5 October 2013

Did not attend. League membership under review.

Second transfer window – 7 February 2014

Did not attend. Final written warning.

Dynamo Charlton 2013/14

Manager: Alex (Surrey)

Twitter name: @alexbass75

Since: 2011

Last season: 6th

Trophy cabinet: Olisadebe Euro 2012 winner

Sympathies: Charlton Athletic

Darts music: The Gladiators TV theme

Outlook (on 22 August 2013): Rarely noted for pizzazz, the Dynamo manager went about the auction in the calm, mediated fashion that saw him win the Emmanuel Olisadebe 2012 Euros, although he’s never been able to transfer that success to the domestic game. Coming 14th in his debut season, and finishing 6th in May, the Dynamo boss will be hoping this side can finally bring league glory.

Before slipping away from last weekend’s auction, the manager assembled an adequate side and left £14.5m in the pot to become the third most affluent for October’s transfer window, a useful asset when it comes to replacing Darren still-can’t-get-a-game-despite-changing-clubs-because-surely-Berbatov-will-start Bent.

I’m a professional tweeter now Rio Ferdinand aside, the rest of the side are likely to pick up appearance points throughout the campaign without setting the world on fire. Will it be enough?

Probably not.

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vrVMLAlb8Ek&w=420&h=315]

Boruc, A	SOT	£9.5m
Zabaleta, P	MCY	£15m
Pieters, E	STO	£5m
Cissokho, A	LIV	£0.5m
Evans, J	MUN	£2.5m
Ince, T	CRY	£2.5m
Noone, C	CAR	£0.5m
Lampard, F	CHE	£5m
Ben Arfa, H	NEW	£3.5m
Bent, D	AVL	£10m
Hooper, G	NOR	£10m
		£64m

First transfer window – 5 October 2013

Starting budget: £24.5m, remaining budget: £24m, net loss: £0.5m

(Hyperlink denotes to which club player was sold)

Out				In
Pos	Player	Team	Sold	Pos	Player	Team	Value
MID	Koren	HUL	Free	MID	Sinclair, S	WBA	£0.5m
STR	Kone	EVE	£0.5m	STR	Odemwingie, P	CAR	£0.5m

Second transfer window – 7 February 2014

Out				In
Position	Player	Team	Sold	Position	Player	Team	Paid
DEF	Rat, R	WHU	Free	DEF	Cissokho, A	LIV	£0.5m
DEF	Ferdinand, R	MUN	Free	DEF	Evans, J	MUN	£2.5m
MID	Walcott, T	ARS	Free	MID	Ince, T	CRY	£2.5m
MID	Sinclair, S	WBA	Free	MID	Noone, C	CAR	£0.5m
STR	Odemwingie, P	STO	£5m	STR	Hooper, G	NOR	£10m

Lokomotiv Leeds 2013/14

All over my face: The Lokomotiv Leeds manager

Manager: Ben S (Yorkshire)

Twitter name: @BenCSilver

Since: 2011

Last season: 7th

Trophy cabinet: empty (best finish – runner up in 2011/12)

Sympathies: Leeds

Darts music: Bicycle Race – Queen

Outlook (on 21 August 2013): As reports of managers’ exploits filtered back to Kenna HQ in the days following last weekend’s auction there was one tale of particular note. Whether the incumbent mayor’s most innovative and popular scheme of public transport was designed to get Londoners home after 15 hours on licensed premises is an ethical discussion rather than a footballing one, but what remains clear is that a manager capable of such haphazard decision making in the face of revelry is likely to build a team incompatible with mounting a genuine title challenge.

The Lokomotiv boss will be keen to get back to the heights of his plucky debut campaign two years ago. Last season’s 7th-placed finish was far from the promise of his runners-up medal the previous May, and the manager has bought a team that can score points, although inclined to grind out them out rather than win them with flair. The victorious Dynamo Temple of 2008/09 proved that an unspectacular side can win the Kenna, but that was in the days of just 12 managers rather than 23 hunting for the spoils.

Marquee signing Wilfred Bony has already found the net just as Gabby Agbonlahor appears to have found the form that earned him three national call ups – incidentally during which time he was part of the winning Dynamo Temple team mentioned above.

In midfield, Johnson and Fellaini look to be starters for the season, unlike forfeit player Josh McEachran. The recognised authorities on the matter have already questioned the value Victor Wanyama can bring. At the back it’s steady as she goes, with only Younis Kaboul – formerly sidelined with injury – failing to score less than 90 points last season.

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GugsCdLHm-Q&w=420&h=315]

(B) denotes forfeit player awarded under the Titus Bramble ruling

Mignolet, S	LIV	£11m
Riether, S	FUL	£18m
Cameron, G	STO	£6m
Fonte, J	SOT	£2m
Rafael	MUN	£11m
McGeady, A	EVE	£2.5m
Johnson, A	SUN	£4.5m
Nocerino, A	WHU	£0.5m
Matic, N	CHE	£0.5m
Agbonlahor, G	AVL	£12m
Bony, W	SWA	£25m
		£93m

First transfer window – 5 October 2013

Starting budget: £10m, remaining budget: £6.5m, net loss: £3.5m

Out				In
Pos	Player	Team	Sold	Pos	Player	Team	Paid
DEF	Evans, J	MUN	Free	DEF	Fonte, J	SOT	£2m
DEF	Kaboul, Y	TOT	Free	DEF	Yanga-Mbiwa, M	NEW	£0.5m
MID	McEachran, J (TB)	CHE	Free	MID	Amalfitano, M	WBA	£0.5m
MID	Wanyama, V	SOT	Free	MID	Brady, R	HUL	£0.5m

Second transfer window – 7 February 2014

Out				In
Pos	Player	Team	Sold	Pos	Player	Team	Paid
DEF	Yanga-Mbiwa, M	NEW	Free	DEF	Rafael	MUN	£11m
MID	Amalfitano, M	WBA	Free	MID	McGeady, A	EVE	£2.5m
MID	Brady, R	HUL	£5m	MID	Nocerino, A	WHU	£0.5m
MID	Fellaini, M	MUN	£0.5m	MID	Matic, N	CHE	£0.5m

Still Don’t Know Yet 2013/14

At odds: The Still Don’t Know Yet manager

Manager: Pete (Teeside)

Twitter name: @peterball01

Since: 2012

Last season: 14th

Trophy cabinet: Empty (best finish – last season)

Sympathies: Boro

Darts music: Theme from ‘The Power Game’ – Cyril Stapleton

Outlook (on 20 August 2013): Despite earnest, late 90s conversations to the contrary, the internet definitely caught on. Not only did it allow the Still Don’t Know Yet manager to Skype into the Kenna auction from his summer sojourn in the Med complete with sunglasses and a panama hat, it gave him the platform to prove that no matter where you are in the world it’s possible to spend half your budget on Robin van Persie and the rest on a bunch of no-hopers who’ll make less substantive appearances this season than Madeleine McCann. Still, if there’s a chance of her mum turning up looking worried in a bikini…

Of course, for the SDKY manager the auction was less about mounting a title challenge and more a further opportunity to nurture his growing disillusionment with the league apparatus. Disappearing early for a can Boddingtons and re-runs of Only Fools and Horses in Valencia’s premier English pub, he left three gaps in his team filled by correspondence later that week. An Andre Wisdom, Philippe Senderos and Billy Jones later (see paragraph above), a leaked email about how the auction was run revealed the struggling manager to be apoplectic:

“For a start I’m only missing three players which means I’ve done 73% of a job not a “half a job” which considering I was only able to see the first 1/16th of the auction I believe was a creditable performance. I used to think that your offer to take transfer requests via fax was some sort of retro joke but now it seems more likely that this is due to the antiquated technological set up at Kenna HQ. I hope some of this year’s increased fees will be invested in infrastructure.”

The leaked email also revealed the SDKY manager clearly hasn’t forgotten that Gary O’Neil/James Collins incident last summer, which resulted in the Irish defender being kidnapped from the team hotel by a van load of goons with poor elocution, thought – but never proven – to be acting on the orders of the Kenna executive. He raged:

“I’m not having your bureaucrats cripple my team again this year after O’Neil-gate with petty administrative attacks.”

Kenna HQ remain tight lipped about the affair, except to make a firm rebuttal that there was “no retro joke involved in such a serious matter as faxing in transfer window requests”.

The fracas looks set to continue.

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FFrqbfiFlQQ&w=420&h=315]

Guzan, B	AVL	£8m
Agger, D	LIV	£5m
Tomkins, J	WHU	£0.5m
Dawson, M	TOT	£0.5m
Jenkinson, C	ARS	£0.5m
Pilkington, A	NOR	£8m
Sung-Yeung, K	SUN	£8.5m
Adam, C	STO	£0.5m
Davis, S	SOT	£4m
van Persie, R	MUN	£46m
Gayle, D	CRY	£0.5m
		£82m

First transfer window – 5 October 2013

Starting budget: £12.5m, remaining budget: £13m, net profit: £0.5m

(Hyperlink denotes to/from which club player was sold/bought)

Out				In
Pos	Player	Team	Sold	Pos	Player	Team	Paid
DEF	Wisdom, A	LIV	Free	DEF	Dawson, M	TOT	£0.5m
DEF	Senderos, P	FUL	£2m	DEF	Jenkinson, C	ARS	£0.5m
MID	Essien, M	CHE	Free	MID	Adam, C	STO	£0.5m

Second transfer window – 7 February 2014

Out				In
Pos	Player	Team	Sold	Pos	Player	Team	Paid
DEF	Connolly, M	CAR	Free	DEF	Agger, D	LIV	£5m
DEF	Davies, B	WBA	Free	DEF	Tomkins, J	WHU	£0.5m
MID	Cabaye, Y	PSG	Free	MID	Sung-Yueng, K	SUN	£8.5m

STR

Graham, D

MID

Free

Sporting Lesbian 2013/14

Furry touch: The Sporting Lesbian manager

Manager: Ben M (Cumbria)

Twitter name: @BenMarcangelo

Since: 2012

Last season: 1st

Trophy cabinet: Champions 2012/13

Sympathies: Liverpool

Darts music: Lesbian Seagull – David van Driessen

Outlook: No manager has ever defended the Kenna title, and even Sporting Lesbian’s most optimistic fan would say this side doesn’t look like emulating the success of last season’s outfit. The only survivor from that collective, Marc Wilson is joined by a capable defence of Coleman, Rose and Coloccini – although the Argentine is prone to homesickness. David de Gea looks likely to start in goal all season.

Up front the £27m price tag for the untested, and injury prone, Jovetic may seem excessive, but Podolski could be one of the bargains of the season. Creativity abounds in midfield, but last season’s success was built on the outstanding form of Michu, and a similar discovery is yet to be evidenced here.

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4BaKOluofCA&w=560&h=315]

de Gea, D	MUN	£11m
Rose, D	TOT	£8m
Coleman, S	EVE	£14m
Ward, J	CRY	£1.5m
Wilson, M	STO	£0.5m
Coutinho, P	LIV	£19m
Snodgrass, R	NOR	£8m
Zaha, W	CAR	£15m
Ramires	CHE	£0.5m
Anichebe, V	WBA	£0.5m
Podolski, L	ARS	£1.5m
		£79.5m

First transfer window – 5 October 2013

Starting budget: £11.5m, remaining budget: £15.5m, net profit: £4m

(Hyperlink denotes to which club player was sold)

Pos	Player	Team	Sold	Pos	Player	Team	Paid
DEF	Coloccini, F	NEW	£4.5m	DEF	Turner, B	CAR	£0.5m

Second transfer window – 7 February 2014

Out				In
Pos	Player	Team	Sold	Pos	Player	Team	Value
DEF	Turner, B	CAR	£0.5m	DEF	Ward, J	CRY	£1.5m
MID	Giaccherini, E	SUN	Free	MID	Zaha, W	CAR	£15m
STR	Jovetic, S	MCY	Free	STR	Anichebe, V	WBA	£0.5m

Newington Reds 2013/14

Dudley with fax — Fax it up twice a season: The Newington Reds manager

Manager: Dudley (Wolverhampton)

Twitter name: @dudleyben

Since: 2005 (co-founder and committee member – charts and graphs)

Trophy cabinet: Empty (best finish – second in 2005/06)

Last season: 11th

Sympathies: Liverpool

Darts music: Forever Young – Alphaville

Outlook: As the hunt for that elusive first Kenna title enters its ninth year, the Newington Reds manager stands accused by the club’s fans of giving up before the season has begun. While they believe Joe Hart is a solid buy in goal, they think forking out £22m Shinji Kagawa – who spends much time as an unused substitute – and £14m on the controversial Loic Remy represents a particular lack of financial and tactical savvy.

But, those complaints are nothing next to what Reds supporters view as the manager’s biggest crime. With three midfielders still to buy, the Wulfrunian left the auction halfway through to go to Lion King on Ice in the West End. Fans’ forums lit up last Saturday with deprecation for a move which resulted in the manager missing out on such late-auction deals as Juan Mata and Joe Cole – who went for £0.5m each.

What Reds are left with is a team unlikely to bother the top half of the table, even if James McCarthy is brought into the top flight. With only £2m left in the war chest, the Reds manager better sort out his office fax machine once and for all come the window if he wants to unlock the £10m bonus and drag himself back into the contest.

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t1TcDHrkQYg&w=420&h=315]

Hart, J	MCY	£24m
Chico	SWA	£8m
Gibbs, K	ARS	£13m
Bertrand, R	AVL	£0.5m
Cahill, G	CHE	£7m
Redmond, N	NOR	£0.5m
Stirling, R	LIV	£0.5m
Januzaj, A	MUN	£12m
Assaidi, O	STO	£0.5m
Berahino, S	WBA	£0.5m
Remy, L	NEW	£14m
		£80.5m

First transfer window – 5 October 2013

Starting budget: £12m, remaining budget: £5.5m, net loss: £6.5m

(Hyperlink denotes from which team player was bought)

Out				In
Position	Player	Team	Sold	Position	Player	Team	Paid
DEF	Cuellar, C	SUN	Free	DEF	T-Catherine, K	CAR	£0.5m
MID	Allen, J	LIV	Free	MID	Downing, S	WHU	£0.5m
MID	Jedinak, M	CRY	Free	MID	Stirling, R	LIV	£0.5m
MID	Kagawa, S	MUN	Free	MID	Huddlestone, T	HUL	£3.5m
STR	Defoe, J	TOT	Free	STR	Osvaldo, P	SOT	£1.5m

Second transfer window – 7 February 2014

Starting budget: £15.5m, remaining budget: £1.5m, net loss: £14m

Out				In
Position	Player	Team	Sold	Position	Player	Team	Paid
DEF	T-Catherine, K	CAR	Free	DEF	Bertrand, R	AVL	£0.5m
MID	Downing, S	WHU	£0.5m	MID	Januzaj, A	MUN	£12m
MID	McCarthy, J	EVE	Free	MID	Redmond, N	NOR	£0.5m
MID	Huddlestone, T	HUL	Free	MID	Assaidi, O	STO	£0.5m
STR	Osvaldo, D	JUV	Free	STR	Berahino, S	WBA	£0.5m

Judean Peoples’ Front 2013/14

Breivik-a-like: The Judean Peoples’ Front manager

Manager: Sholto (Wales)

Since: 2008

Last season: 3rd

Trophy cabinet: empty (best finish – last season)

Sympathies: Manchester United

Darts music: Serial Killa – Snoop Doggy Dogg

Outlook: Once upon a time the Judean Peoples’ Front manager’s most notable achievement was his uncanny resemblance to Norwegian mass murderer Anders Breivik, but in May the Welshman secured a podium finish – his best ever in four Kenna campaigns.

Last season’s success was built on a solid defensive platform – unlike his Scandinavian lone wolf doppelganger his side found the target the least number of times in the field – and again goals would appear to be this new team’s weakness. Jelavic and Rodriguez scored 14 times between them last term, and the Croat looked out of sorts compared to his initial spurt in England.

In midfield it’s the same story. Stewart Downing’s shortcomings are well documented, Holtby sits deep, Sidwell’s ginger and while an impressive player the marquee £23m signing Jack Wilshere struggles to apply his particular talents to the Kenna scoring system.

Just as Njemana Vidic and Branislav Ivanovic hint that the JPF manager is searching for that same defensive formula again, Ciaran Clark and Liam Ridgewell imply he ran out of ideas in the auction . At least Allan McGregor should start every game.

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BJaVoKpHwd0&w=420&h=315]

Adrian	WHU	£0.5m
Ivanovic, B	CHE	£22m
Ridgewell, L	WBA	£4.5m
Clark, C	AVL	£1m
Vidic, N	MUN	£8.5m
Routledge, W	SWA	£1m
Wilshere, J	ARS	£23m
Erikson, C	TOT	£11m
Sidwell, S	FUL	£6.5m
Rodriguez, J	SOT	£0.5m
Jelavic, N	HUL	£3m
		£85.5m

First transfer window – 5 October 2013

Starting budget: £16.5m, remaining budget: £5m, net loss: £11.5m

(Hyperlink denotes to which club player was sold)

Out				In
Pos	Player	Team	Sold	Pos	Player	Team	Paid
MID	Downing, S	WHU	£0.5m	MID	Morrison, R	WHU	£0.5m
MID	Holtby, L	TOT	Free	MID	Erikson, C	TOT	£11m
STR	Rodriguez, J	SOT	Free	STR	Rodriguez, J	SOT	£0.5m

Second transfer window – 7 February 2014

Out				In
Pos	Player	Team	Sold	Pos	Player	Team	Paid
GK	McGregor, A	HUL	£0.5m	GK	Adrian	WHU	£0.5m
MID	Morrison, R	WHU	Free	MID	Routledge, W	SWA	£1m

The 7.08 Club

SHOCKWAVES from Saturday’s Kenna fantasy football auction are still being felt in London five days on.

The marathon event shook the upstairs bar of the Roebuck in Borough for a record eight hours, as 21 managers worked their way through 232 lots and many more units of Central European lager.

Robin van Persie fetched the highest price of £46m – almost half a Kenna manager’s ton budget – bought over Skype by a mysterious man in Valencia wearing a Panama hat.

At £39m each Wayne Rooney and Sergio Aguero were the next biggest signings bought by St Reatham FC, the former Woking manager’s new team, and KS West Green, the Chairman’s team, respectively. Both managers steered their teams to relegation last season.

But it wasn’t the ninth annual Kenna auction itself that caused the biggest stir.

Locked in competition for a full shift, the majority of Kenna managers decided to accept the FC Rapid de Cuillons manager’s invitation to a late drink on his Thames boat bar: Bar&Co.

As the complimentary shooters flowed, the pressure of entering the world’s most competitive fantasy football league began to show, with memories of the evening becoming hazier.

Anders Breivik lookalike the Judean Peoples’ Front manager was among a hardened group of post-auction revellers who reported getting home at breakfast time, but he was not the biggest casualty.

Shutting himself into the Kenna HQ situation room with nothing but a case of tinned sardines and the auction wildcards, it took until Wednesday for the Kenna chairman to come to terms with the beast he’d created.

Emerging from his solitary vigil the chairman said: “Up until Saturday many people associated with the Kenna often wished there was more than one auction a year. Not any more.

“Glad as we are to be involved with this great institution, no one’s sanity, home life or alimentary canal could possibly deal with more than one of those sessions in 12 months.”

The first transfer window in October will probably come close.

The league will issue full details of teams and remaining budgets ahead of the season curtain raiser on Saturday at 12.45pm.

Wildcard: each manager could pick one player at random to be auctioned immediately